DH drinking when with DD - AIBU?

[PeachFuzzzz]

I don't think I am but his reaction suggests I might be.

DH took DD to the movies yesterday, drank a beer and a wine and fell asleep watching the film. DD (6) told me about this when they got back. DH wants to take her camping overnight to some festivals in the summer and I have been wary about it for exactly this reason - he will fall asleep if he has a drink and then effectively she is left on her own, with no-one looking out for her. He thinks I am over reacting as they were at the cinema and so what if he has a snooze? I think that he is proving to me exactly why I shouldn't allow them to go to a festival alone, as I can't trust him to not drink and fall asleep etc.

He also told DD to tell me Daddy had orange juice, not beer, but she promptly grassed him up to me.

AIBU?

"I think it's very unusual to never drink alcohol whilst in charge of your children

I don't. That's kind of the point though, I'm made to feel a freak because I don't drink. That's how "normal" drinking is in our society. I will usually drive as it's easier to say I'm driving, than to have people quiz me over why I don't want a drink, no, not even one, yes, I know you think I'll enjoy myself more with a drink, but honestly, I won't. Yes, I'm quite sure, thank you. When you don't drink, you realise how immense the social pressure is, how drinking is expected, and that people actually think you're some sort of weird boring freak for not drinking. It's even fine to buy a non drinker alcohol as a gift.

Having a drink in a pub with lunch, OK. Or out on an evening. But can you really not go two hours in the cinema without a drink?"

Well Obviously if you don't drink alcohol at all you never will in front of the children

Re your last point- it's not about being able to. It's about wanting to. I can have lunch in the pub without an alcoholic drink too, but I often want one. Maybe he just fancied one in the cinema. For all sorts of reasons

If two drinks made me fall asleep I wouldn't ever drink when in sole charge of young DC.

You need to know your limits, sounds like his is none when DC are in his care.

Never seen alcohol in cinemas in uk tho appreciate you aren't in U.K.

I would find very worrying that dh can't go to a cinema for 2hrs and not have a drink - esp if a film he wanted to see

Different at home having a drink and possibly falling asleep on the sofa

But in a public place where anyone and anything could happen to dd

I wouldn't leave a 5yr alone in a cinema and that's basically what dh did

There in body not in mind

And the lying afterwards is wrong

Ah, it's not a UK festival - maybe not such a focus on getting trashed then!

If it's family friendly, then maybe you should all go, it could be fun.

The asking her to lie is a big problem.

Falling asleep in cinema itself wouldn't be huge deal. Why he needs to drink alcohol when at cinema with DD is strange.

Wouldn't allow the camping/ festivals.

The summer festivals in this country, Peach, are very tame. Really nothing like the ones back home at all. I would let your DH and DD go together.

Agree with Bogeyface (and others). This might suggest an alcohol problem to me.

Getting your dd to lie is indeed a red flag for an alcohol problem imo, sorry. As is falling asleep after two drinks, which could suggest he's drinking on the sly. While not wishing to project (dh has history with alcohol) I do wonder what his drinking habits are generally. Does he regularly drink more than the weekly recommended level? Is he forgetful? Does he have mood swings? Do you ever argue and think "where the he'll did that come from?!" You don't seem to think there's a problem, so I suppose you have to trust your instincts. But if it's not a problem yet, I would suggest that a beer and a wine at a kids film during the daytime when he's in sole charge of your dd and knows he falls asleep probably isn't a great signal for the future. I'd hate to see it spiral op. It's very easy for people to minimise and trick themselves into a warped perception of what is and isn't acceptable. Most people like a drink. But most people would not feel the need to drink alcohol at a cinema watching a kids film. That's not drinking socially, with other adults, engaging in conversation or while enjoying a meal, that's drinking solely to feel the effects.

I have no problem with festivals at all. They can be great places for families and there are some fantastic child friendly ones. I've been to Glastonbury many times, sadly all pre-ds (we've tried for tickets since he was born but have been unlucky). There are lots of friendly people. Predators are more likely to hang around places solely for children. But as your dh has form for drinking and falling asleep I wouldn't feel uncomfortable at all. Call your dh's bluff and tell him you'd love to go too. Carefully watch his reaction.

I really don't want to be alarmist op and very much hope that your assessment is right. But even at its most innocuous level, I think you're right to feel uncomfortable about him taking your dd to a festival alone.

Thing is, living in the same country that OP does, the relationship here with alcohol (especially for men) is very different. I have worked in a number of different environments here, and have close friends of the nationality, and they all think nothing of daily drinking in the evening. It's like Britain was in the 50s; the men come home at night after overtime, the SAHM makes them dinner, and the men relax with beer or the local speciality. DH and I are looked upon as curiosities as we save any drinking for the weekend! I think it can be dangerous to hold one culture up to the same standards as another culture - it really is a different world out here.

wouldn't feel comfortable sorry.

Sorry op just seen your update on previous page. Glad you've spoken and feel better.

Jp girl - yes, I think culture comes in to play. Drinking isn't a big deal here and tbh he doesn't even drink every day, or anywhere near that. But if he is at an event, he will.

I can go for months without drinking. I consider it normal not to drink when looking after children. The deal is here that one of us is always on the ball enough to deal with the usual surprises that kids throw at you.

Having a drink is nice, but I prefer being able to deal with kids without the fuzzy reactions.

It just seems odd to me that you couldn't go a few hours without having a drink when those drinks would mean that you wouldn't be able to keep an eye out. What if she had needed to use the toilet? Or found some of the film scary and wanted to hold hands? He knew that having those drinks would mean that he wouldn't be able to step up.

The lying is something else altogether.

I'm glad you were able to discuss it with him & get him to see why you were so upset OP.

Although there is that cultural expectation to drink on a regular/frequent basis, he maybe needs to reassess his patterns of drinking. Although he isn't drinking to excess he IS drinking more than is compatible with family life - particularly with sole childcare.

I suspect he knew that he shouldn't have been drinking, hence asking your DD to lie. Did he understand why you were so upset about that? And agree to never do anything of the sort again, I very much hope...

Do you know anyone who's been to the festival your DH wants to go to before? Am just thinking that discussing it with them might help? Including deciding if you'd be willing to reconsider going & taking your DS with you...