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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH drinking when with DD - AIBU?

139 replies

PeachFuzzzz · 10/01/2016 21:29

I don't think I am but his reaction suggests I might be.

DH took DD to the movies yesterday, drank a beer and a wine and fell asleep watching the film. DD (6) told me about this when they got back. DH wants to take her camping overnight to some festivals in the summer and I have been wary about it for exactly this reason - he will fall asleep if he has a drink and then effectively she is left on her own, with no-one looking out for her. He thinks I am over reacting as they were at the cinema and so what if he has a snooze? I think that he is proving to me exactly why I shouldn't allow them to go to a festival alone, as I can't trust him to not drink and fall asleep etc.

He also told DD to tell me Daddy had orange juice, not beer, but she promptly grassed him up to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Walkingintheraindrops · 11/01/2016 02:24

I agree with rose, I don't think it's a big deal although I do think it's pretty embarrassing to fall asleep after 2 drinks- lightweight doesn't even come close!

Bogeyface · 11/01/2016 02:26

Yeah cos him being a lightweight on two drinks is the main issue here....FFS

Walkingintheraindrops · 11/01/2016 02:27

Don't ffs me. You seem somewhat over invested in this.

Bogeyface · 11/01/2016 02:35

How is being disgusted at a man who cant get through an afternoon at the pictures with his child "over invested"?

I will FFS to whomsoever I choose thank you.

Perhaps you should consider why you think a man who cant take his beer, and is choosing to drink whilst in sole charge of a young child, is so amusing.

Bogeyface · 11/01/2016 02:36

How is being disgusted at a man who cant get through an afternoon at the pictures with his child without a drink "over invested"?

Walkingintheraindrops · 11/01/2016 02:44

Who is amused?

Why do you think he can't get through the afternoon without a drink as opposed to just wanting one, like the other 99.9% of people who drink alcohol?

Bogeyface · 11/01/2016 02:52

Why do you think he can't get through the afternoon without a drink as opposed to just wanting one, like the other 99.9% of people who drink alcohol?

He knows, according to the OP, that he cant take his beer and it sends him to sleep, yet knowing that he still had 2 drinks. Guess what?! He fell asleep! So why have those drinks? He knew he was in sole charge of that child, he knew he couldnt take it and yet he drank anyway.

And I said above, my main issue is the fact that he tried to make his DD lie about it. If what he did was ok then why lie? Why try to get his DD to lie?

Original poster

PeachFuzzzz · 11/01/2016 02:53

DH is Asian, most men I know here are similar lightweights. The festival would be in the country we are in.

I think dh made a bad choice. As a result, there will be no festival this year. Camping elsewhere might be a feasible alternative.

OP posts:

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 11/01/2016 02:58

Falling asleep in the cinema - meh, easily done.

Going to the cinema, having 2 drinks and falling asleep - irresponsible.

Telling a child to lie, and to her own mother no less - fucking devious and shit parenting and just not on.

I wouldn't trust him to look after a young child, full stop.
And this maybe an overreaction from a non-drinker, but he sounds like he is either an alcoholic or on his way to becoming one (no control and lying about it are just 2 signs of being an addict)

Atenco · 11/01/2016 03:30

If you knew me, OP, you would know I am far from overprotective (my dd went to school on the city bus by herself when she was five) but no way would I let someone who didn't have the right paternal instincts take a child of mine to a festival. My ex wanted to take dd to the beach when she was three, but I wouldn't let him as he had no experience of looking after her, wouldn't be able to resist a beer or two and always gets drunk extremely quickly.

Mistigri · 11/01/2016 07:50

I'm with bogey.

Someone who feels the need to have two drinks during an afternoon cinema visit with a young child has an alcohol problem - full stop. Not saying he's an alcoholic, but it's the behaviour of someone who either isn't in control of their drinking, or who has difficulty setting personal limits.

That is NOT the behaviour of a person I would want to take my children to a festival.

Mistigri · 11/01/2016 07:52

Also, lying about alcohol or drug consumption (and the loss of moral compass that makes you think it's ok to get a child to lie in your behalf) is classic addict behaviour.

I'd be surprised if there isn't an alcohol issue here. I wonder if he drank more than he says - an adult falling asleep after two drinks is unuusal, but what if it wasn't just two drinks?

differentnameforthis · 11/01/2016 08:14

Asking her to lie is a massive issue.

Why couldn't he not drink for a couple of hours while he took his dd out? Kids movies are what....2 hours tops!! And in that time he drank 2 alcoholic drinks ... I think this is odd behaviour & singles that he could have a problem.

I certainly wouldn't let my dh take my dd's out if he couldn't go 2 hours without booze at a bloody kids show!!

So am I an abuser now? No, you are not!

This tells me she's very angry with her ex and the sheer anger of her post shows this. If I were him I'd lie too. Erm....it's not her ex!!!

Or because the truth is hitting a bit too close to home for comfort? Probably spot on, Bogey!

How is being disgusted at a man who cant get through an afternoon at the pictures with his child without a drink "over invested"? Agree, Bogey!

I think comments that we have seen here just show how out of hand drinking culture is these days. I mean, can't go a couple of hours without a glass of wine, and a pint while he takes his child to the cinema. Would people say the same if they went swimming?

Alcohol is so deeply engrained that people here didn't even register the issue at all! I mean, how dare we expect our dc's fathers not to drink when they are in sole change of them!!

differentnameforthis · 11/01/2016 08:20

I wouldn't allow camping (if in a tent) either, op. Everyone I know & have been around when they (and I) were drunk ALWAYS slept heavier than when we hadn't been drinking.

Where we went camping there was a swimming pool & a lake very close to the campsite. Not to mention the roads, adjoining fields, other campers etc. And it's bloody dark!

What will happen if your daughter needs to use the toilet & he is asleep?

Can he be trusted to wake up & can she be trusted not to try & find her way to the toilet block by herself?

Walkingintheraindrops · 11/01/2016 08:50

I think it's very unusual to never drink alcohol whilst in charge of your children. We do this all the time and so does everyone I know (we don't fall asleep, because that's weird) It's not about needing a drink - it's about a glass of wine with lunch or during the theatre interval or going to the pub after a long walk.

The lying isn't good at all, but frankly if I thought I was going to get as hard a time as some on here would clearly give me, I'd consider it too.

OliviaBenson · 11/01/2016 08:51

My dad is an alcoholic and this is exactly what he would do when I was a child. It was really distressing and embarrassing.

The fact that he thought it was appropriate to have 2 drinks at an afternoon children's cinema showing is worrying, and the biggest red flag for me is asking your dd to lie about it. then when questioned by the op, to say he was testing the water.

What do you want to do from here op? Does he have a drinking problem? I'm worried that he doesn't appear to understand the seriousness of it all.

differentnameforthis · 11/01/2016 08:57

Walkingintheraindrops

I think it's very unusual to never drink alcohol whilst in charge of your children This isn't about drinking when in charge of children. In fact, I had a glass of wine Sat night while out for a meal with mine.

1] I don't fall asleep after drinking
2] I didn't ask my dc to lie to anyone about it

2ManySweets · 11/01/2016 09:14

YANBU to be pissed off. I'd primarily loop the loop about the lying bit but also kick his ass for having two drinks whilst in sole care of DD. He'll know his limits - he has decided to put what he fancied doing first in this situation. Not only selfish, but also pretty irresponsible.

What you said up thread about DD wanting to spend time with her Daddy but not wanting to go to this festival saddens me as its another example of him putting what he fancies doing ahead of his DD wanting some (what I'd imagine to be to her) precious 1:1 time. Again, selfish and potentially irresponsible (as he'll likely have a few jars and fall asleep, abdicating his responsibility to your DD and "dumping it" on others).

Sorry but he sounds like a self-centred knob who needs to be given a reality check pronto. If he doesn't wise up, she'll log and remember all this and grow up resenting him for putting what pleased him at the time at the expense of her having a nice time out with him, where he's present and focuses on her.

I don't believe he's got a drink problem/is the most awful man that ever lived, but he's being a prat. Don't be afraid to give him the "hairdryer treatment", OP.

Walkingintheraindrops · 11/01/2016 09:23

I didn't say you did different, however the dramatic response form some posters indicates they must think any drinking front of children is bad and potential alcoholism.

mummytime · 11/01/2016 09:42

I didn't say you did different, however the dramatic response form some posters indicates they must think any drinking front of children is bad and potential alcoholism.

Well the NHS says parents should drink less in front of their children: www.nhs.uk/news/2012/12December/Pages/Parents-need-to-drink-less-in-front-of-their-kids.aspx (there are also sensationalist Daily Mail articles).

I have drunk in the presence of my children, I have not been drunk. I have also not fallen asleep from alcohol, and can see no appeal in drinking at a family movie.

I doubt the OP's husband has any real idea what it would be like to be at a festival with a small child, and at 6 she is too young if things go pear shaped.

The suggesting she lies would be a huge red flag for me.

Bogeyface · 11/01/2016 09:50

I did not intend to imply that I thought that drinking in front of children was bad or indicated alcoholism.

My issue is a) that he tried to get a child to lie to cover up for him and b) that he knows that a couple of alcoholic drinks will send him to sleep yet he still chose to do that anyway when in sole charge of a child. If I knew that 2 drinks would have me asleep then I wouldnt have 2 drinks while I was the only one in charge, and I fail to see how anyone can say that him doing that is ok.

Walkingintheraindrops · 11/01/2016 09:51

Oh well if the NHS says!

Original poster

PeachFuzzzz · 11/01/2016 10:04

We had a big talk about this. He now understands why I was so annoyed with him and recognizes that for the festival to happen I need to be able to trust him.

It isn't an excessive amount but he should have known better given how he reacts to alcohol. He doesn't have a problem and often doesn't drink. It was a bad decision for him to do so yesterday. Dd confirmed the two drinks, btw, he is just a lightweight! Anyway festival etc on back burner - he insists its family friendly and wants me to take ds too and all go together - he isn't forcing dd against her will - he actually thinks she will enjoy it and like anything - how do you know if you don't try?

It has been very interesting to see the divide on this though.

OP posts:

newname12 · 11/01/2016 11:06

I think it's very unusual to never drink alcohol whilst in charge of your children

I don't. That's kind of the point though, I'm made to feel a freak because I don't drink. That's how "normal" drinking is in our society. I will usually drive as it's easier to say I'm driving, than to have people quiz me over why I don't want a drink, no, not even one, yes, I know you think I'll enjoy myself more with a drink, but honestly, I won't. Yes, I'm quite sure, thank you. When you don't drink, you realise how immense the social pressure is, how drinking is expected, and that people actually think you're some sort of weird boring freak for not drinking. It's even fine to buy a non drinker alcohol as a gift.

Having a drink in a pub with lunch, OK. Or out on an evening. But can you really not go two hours in the cinema without a drink?

Original poster

PeachFuzzzz · 11/01/2016 11:43

I also am grateful for everyones opinions. I think that there was a lot of sensible thoughts on both sides, as well as a bit of drama - dh being petrified, or an alcoholic. So very divided though - I have been out of the uk a while but I am surprised at how many people wouldn't be bothered by this behaviour at all.

I want to add that I do drink when I have the children, sometimes. Not when I am out and about and have sole responsibility - but at a friends house, or at home. And I don't fall asleep after two either! But if I did, I wouldn't drink at all!

OP posts:

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