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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH drinking when with DD - AIBU?

139 replies

PeachFuzzzz · 10/01/2016 21:29

I don't think I am but his reaction suggests I might be.

DH took DD to the movies yesterday, drank a beer and a wine and fell asleep watching the film. DD (6) told me about this when they got back. DH wants to take her camping overnight to some festivals in the summer and I have been wary about it for exactly this reason - he will fall asleep if he has a drink and then effectively she is left on her own, with no-one looking out for her. He thinks I am over reacting as they were at the cinema and so what if he has a snooze? I think that he is proving to me exactly why I shouldn't allow them to go to a festival alone, as I can't trust him to not drink and fall asleep etc.

He also told DD to tell me Daddy had orange juice, not beer, but she promptly grassed him up to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 11/01/2016 00:06

Kids films might be boring, I had to suffer spongebob square pants a while a go. It was horrific. So dull. But I wouldn't let myself fall asleep and effectively leave my 6 year old on his/her own. Not responsible. And crap parenting.

DancingDinosaur · 11/01/2016 00:07

Go hide it then. Good idea Smile

5Foot5 · 11/01/2016 00:08

In a darkened cinema with a children's film showing I can understand why any adult would fall asleep. A beer and a wine is hardly binge drinking.

As for the lying, well maybe the DH suspects the OP will overreact and make a big deal of it....

Bogeyface · 11/01/2016 00:09

What is alarmist about saying that the OP is right to be worried about her OH taking a child to a festival where he needs to be fully alert at all times, when drinking will probably be involved and where a couple of drinks has him zedding out for a couple of hours?

I drink. I like a few drinks. But I dont drink to the point where I cant stay awake if I am in charge of the kids on my own. No sensible person would! The fact that you cant see that suggests to me that you have your own issues that you are trying to minimise.

Bogeyface · 11/01/2016 00:09

Another thread I have to hide due to people making mountains out of molehills.
Or because the truth is hitting a bit too close to home for comfort?

Original poster
PeachFuzzzz · 11/01/2016 00:11

He is not my ex.

I don't understand why he would choose to have two drinks when he knows that he will fall asleep when in sole charge.

It was a film he also wanted to see.

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 11/01/2016 00:12

Or because the truth is hitting a bit too close to home for comfort?

Yep. This ^

Original poster
PeachFuzzzz · 11/01/2016 00:12

DancingDinosaur - exactly my point about festival - everyone drinking, thinking somebody else watching dd.. nobody is!

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 11/01/2016 00:12

Bogeyface your mother used to fall asleep in the cinema all the time when you were a child. She knew that she would likely fall asleep much as this DH knew having a drink would likely make him fall asleep.

You as a child were as unsupervised as the DC yesterday. I'm not sure there's a difference that makes it wrong for the DH when it was ok for your mum. You are being somewhat alarmist

ohtheholidays · 11/01/2016 00:14

Only read your first post so far but Fucking Big Red Flag OP he told your 6 year old daughter to lie to you that alone is really bad!

Please don't let him take her to festivals,we have a massive music festival that's not far from where we live and sadly every year there are reports of young women being sexually assaulted or raped.These are grown women this is happening to,your child is far to young and far to vunerable to go somewhere like that with someone who will drink and then fall asleep.

Anything could have happened at the cinema as well,your daughter could have needed the toilet not been able to wake Daddy or not want to and could have wondered of on her own and got lost or taken,she could have been eating and started choking on something.
I know it's rare but it is never worth the risk!Once something bad happens to a child no one can take that back for them.
Take it from someone that's worked with familys where something awful has happened and is married to someone that's had to investigate when something awful has happened.

Cinemas are loud places now as well OP does he usually find it so easy to fall asleep or do you think more alcohol could have been involved than he's told you?

Bogeyface · 11/01/2016 00:16

Little you really cant see the difference between dozing off in the dark of a cinema (and waking up and then dozing off again) and falling asleep because of alcohol? Really?

I can have 2 drinks and be absolutely wide awake, but the DH in this cant, and he knows this. So why have the drinks? And why lie about it?

Babymamamama · 11/01/2016 00:16

I don't think it is a mountain out of a mole hill situation. But I wonder how much op's dp has form for this kind of thing. Not many people I know would drink like that in a kids film. Better surely to wait till the child is tucked up safely in bed. How much does he drink on average. If he wants his child to lie then how much else is he covering up? That's what I'd be wondering. Op for sure the festival isn't a good plan.

scarlets · 11/01/2016 00:17

I'd ask him to wait a few years before doing the festival thing tbh. Secondary school age at least. She's far to young to be left to her own devices whilst he boozes and naps.

DancingDinosaur · 11/01/2016 00:18

Completely Peach. That is the most time when something is likely to happen. I'm very aware of it if I go out with dc and extended family to keep an extra eye out. I'm thinking back bitterly to when 3 year old son ran out of sil's door into the road when being cared for by extended family, only to be stopped by his 5 year old sister (who could barely hold him back) just as I pulled into the street in my car. Not one of those fuckers even noticed they were gone.

Bogeyface · 11/01/2016 00:21

Dancing I believe it is known as the Bystander Effect, where everyone assumes that someone else will do the necessary. Thats why if you fall ill in a public place, you are more likely to be looked after if there are just a couple of people around you than a whole crowd.

DancingDinosaur · 11/01/2016 00:24

I knew there was a name for it, just couldn't think of it.

Bogeyface · 11/01/2016 00:26

I have posted on another thread about this tonight, but my cousin relies on it at family events for care of her kids. That means that it is never her fault if they hurt themselves or get lost Hmm After being sent back to mummy a few times, she never sends them to Aunty Bogey anymore!

Original poster
PeachFuzzzz · 11/01/2016 00:26

Dancing - how scary! Good job his sister was on the ball.

I suppose dh hasn't had much sole parenting compared to me - he was working away from home for a few years and when at home only has one day a week off. We tended to do things as a family but now we have ds, who can't go to movies etc dh is in new territory? But I would have thought he had more sense than to drink and fall asleep !

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 11/01/2016 00:32

I know. My beautiful sensible girl. Bless her. Your dh might be in new territory, but wherever he is with the dc, he needs to be able to stay alert enough in public places to keep an eye out. It sounds very frustrating. But if he's asked dd to lie then I'd be worried that he doesn't think its an issue and would do it again.

DancingDinosaur · 11/01/2016 00:34

Thats not fair of her Bogey. I'd send them back too.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 11/01/2016 00:56

Interesting how split posters are when it comes to alcohol consumption and children. To the point of one post ignoring the presence of alcohol at all. Interesting. And a fair representation of the attitudes people at the festival, which I wouldn't find terribly reassuring!

Can you scotch the festival idea? Or will your dp dig his heels in? Do you have a sense of how he will respond to you corroding his drinking?

kali110 · 11/01/2016 01:13

I've never been to a cinema in the uk that hasn't sold alcohol.

I can see from his side that he probably lied to you as he was scared of your reaction, but why did he need 2 drinks ( though i'd hardly call it binge drinking) if he knew it would make him fall asleep?
If he knows drinking any alcohol makes him sleep then he needs to realise he can't do it if he's in sole charge of his child.

I don't know about the festival. I've never thought that kids should go purely because they're too little!(and then have to get on parents shoulders and noone can see)and can end up hurt accidently.
Everyone is always lovely to them whenever i've been at a festival though!

Hihohoho1 how boring? I would have loved to have been at Reading or Ozzfest as a child!

LittleBearPad · 11/01/2016 01:52

You don't know how asleep the DH was Bogey. And actually being asleep is being asleep regardless of cause.

I think the lying is terrible and I'd postpone the festival malarkey but snoozing in a cinema isn't a hanging offence

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit · 11/01/2016 02:11

I've taken my DC to quite a few festivals and they loved it.

But no I would not trust your DH to look after them.

Going to festival without DC can be a hugely freeing experience, it's great fun.

Going with little ones is a completely different experience. Their needs have to come first a lot of the time, and that definitely includes not falling asleep and leaving them to it.

Which festivals does he plan abandoning taking her too? Please don't say Glastonbury! (One of my favourite festivals, but no place for a child if their parent isn't really on it!)

The best way to take DC to festivals is in a big bunch of you, with other DC. Then you can take turns in being the responsible one who has to look after the DC, and people who want to drink (and fall asleep) can do that at some point - but again only if they're on it and not as you say just assumign someone else has the kids at all times.

Taking a child on your own can be hard work as an adult, and not so much fun!

If this was the only issue I'd be tempted to try to compromise and go to a festival you think you have some chance of enjoying, and inviting friends to as well.

But then the lying takes it to another level.

The asking her to lie to you and not taking it seriously are not on.

He knows he has a problem if he's lying to you about it, and getting his DD to lie too.

Not great. Sad

tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit · 11/01/2016 02:19

Some more thoughts ...

When I took my toddler to a festival on my own, (was meant to be a friend there - long story!) it was hard work, it was nothing like being at a festival with adult friends.

It involved doing what DS wanted to do, and being back in the tent to sleep by about 10pm.

There were parents there who made it look easy, but believe me it isn't.

Would he be fastidious about protecting her ears from noise? You need to make sure DC have ear defenders like Peltors if the music is loud, and be really strict about making sure the DC have them on, and if they refuse to wear them then leave the area, even if it is your favourite band.

We always had Peltors on the DC, but even so DS has tinnitus. Is that from going to festivals when young? The doctor says there's no way of knowing, it could well be hereditary. But I can't help but wonder and blame myself.