Aibu When people say "I feel like a single parent"?

[MyIronLung]

Bit of a ranty thread.

When people say this it properly pisses me off!
I know a few people who "feel like single parents". They're not. They have husbands/partners who work to provide and are present in their families/children's lives.

I, on the other hand, am a single parent. I have no other half. I have no time off/to myself (except when ds is in bed I'm knackered ). I have no one to share the burdens of life with. I don't go out because that would require leaving ds home alone, and at 4yo I think it would be frowned upon.
I'm the one that has to figure out how to make £60 stretch to provide all meals for the month. I'm the one that has to sell stuff to make ends meet because there's no other money coming into the house (no maintenance or contact. His choice).
I'm the one who does everything and buys everything because there's no other option or fall back.

One friends dh is in the forces. She often "feels like a LP, just with a healthier bank account " .
Another friends dh works f/t and gets home around 7pm during the week. This means she knows exactly what it's like to struggle with dc alone.

Aibu to feel mightily pissed off with these people and ever so slightly offended that they think for a moment they're even in the same vicinity as my boat?

You have absolutely no idea isobelle

Passing comments 'its like being a SP'; understandable
Sustained assertion;

It definitely isn't a competition.

Many parents in relationships have it far worse than many parents who are single.

Its true, single parent hood is the easy option in many ways.

Sorry if it's been covered (haven't rtwt) but why doesn't the child's father pay maintenance?

Wow, the threads still going!

I certainly agree that I'm in a much better position than someone in an abusive relationship and I couldn't imagine co-parenting, mainly I suppose, because I've never done it.

It's incredibly lonely at times. The thought of another adult who loves my ds as much as I do would be nice. Someone else to, not only share the burdens (for want of a better word), but also the wonderful stuff!
I feel sad for ds that he doesn't have this. He's now noticing that our family is different and that he doesn't have a daddy. everyone has a daddy! (In his eyes).

What I was trying to say in my op is it's pretty annoying when someone, who leads a pretty amazing life and is very happy, compares their life to mine because they're having a bad day. I'm not having a bad day. This is my life!

Hacker
He doesn't pay maintenance because he can't be found.
He was working but when he left he told me that if I made a claim with csa he would quit his job and I'd " be lucky to get a fiver a week".

Well, he was true to his word (for once) and I started getting a fiver a week from his benefits (there was a delay between him quitting and me getting the £5). I got the £5 for about 3 months and then it stopped. I've not had anything since. In the last couple of years I've had various calls from csa asking if I know where he is. I don't, they don't, so nothing can be done.

To be fair I haven't bothered keeping the case open because I'd now have to pay to get nothing!

I wish people would stop stereotyping single parents and every other group of people with just one thing in common.

Everyone is different. Every family is different. More importantly, every child is different. You could have two parents and a nanny struggle with one child, where as a single mother/father of three could breeze through the years with little difficulty.

A forces wife may have a huge bank balance on a monthly basis, but may be bogged down with debt.

We all struggle now and then. Thats life.
The fact is, we dont know the struggles others are facing. We might see someone living a 'perfect' life, but to them your life may seem so much more perfect than theirs. Their life might be a nightmare to them, deep down.

My husband leaves for work at 5.45 on Monday morning and is back late on Friday evening. I have no family near me. On the rare occasion when I have been ill but have still had two small children to look after or take to nursery/school/various hobbies whilst feeling absolutely dreadful, then I have and would describe my situation (at that specific time) as being like a single parent.

YANBU at all. My child is a couple of months old and already this is pissing me off to high heaven. I'm not sure if anyone's had the gall to say this to me yet, but all kinds of people, health professionals and otherwise, have made all sorts of stupid suggestions to me that are totally ridiculous for someone who's a single parent without much support (yet) and hardly any money. And I have to say I LOVE the whole (whilst pregnant) "how the hell are you going to cope", which has now changed to "why the hell can't you cope". Nothing like a bit of consistency.

One thing that helps me is that I'm sure "I feel like a single parent" is on Gingerbread's List of Fucking Stupid Things Single Parents Are Sick of Hearing. OK, that's no it's proper name, here, I've googled it:
www.gingerbread.org.uk/content/2051/What-not-to-say-to-a-single-parent and there it is at number 3!

I haven't read the thread btw.

For balance I have to say I had a lovely exchange with an old friend online the other day, where they acknowledged their luck in having a partner, kids etc, thus showing up these dickwads even more. I find "do you wanna swap" a useful retort (not sure I've actually had occasion to use it yet tho).

The important thing is not just to realise that there are those worse off than you, but also that there are those that have more than their fair share and that's why we're struggling and we can do something about, ie voting etc.

I think the point is house, is it isn't just for a moment/day/monday-friday

It's easy to see why this might come across as a stupid and insensitive comment, but actually I think YABU and uncompassionate. You don't have a exclusivity deal on unhappiness. A person can feel acutely lonely, unsupported and burdened by the difficulties of parenting - even if they are married or in a relationship. In fact, having experienced married life and single-parenthood I think there is nothing unhappier than being in an unhappy marriage. You are isolated and afraid. Your self-esteem can be destroyed. Instead of playing one-upmanship on unhappiness, why not try to understand what your friends are going through?

Instead of playing one-upmanship on unhappiness, why not try to understand what your friends are going through?

That's a bit unfair. If you'll rtft you'll see that I'm only talking about people I know personally. Not every Tom, Dick and Harry. I am a compassionate person and I care about my friends. This is why I don't tell them to fuck off when its said to me.
Fair enough, they may well have had the day from hell. Rushing about, being ill, dc being ill, ect ect. They (again, only talking about people I know who are in happy relationships, no abuse or major problems) are not doing it alone! So comparing their shitty day to my every single day is, in my opinion, insulting.

And as for feeling isolated and afraid. I know those feelings.

In fact, having experienced married life and single-parenthood I think there is nothing unhappier than being in an unhappy marriage.

Nowhere have I said that I think single parents are the most unhappy people on the planet and I disagree with you. If you're in an unhappy marriage you still have options. I don't have options. I can't force dc F to come back and be a father/husband. I can't make the decision to change things tomorrow because there's no where to go from here at this moment in time.

I've just managed to read through some of the posts that I've missed.

Just to clarify, I definitely don't 'feel sorry for myself'. I have wonderful dc who I've raised alone. They're lovely people thanks to me, and me alone. In lots of ways I'm very lucky and I don't hate my life.

I just don't understand how someone I know well, and who knows me well, can reasonably compare our lives.

I don't compare our lives ( I have here for background info). There's no comparison because our lives and experiences are worlds apart. I don't begrudge them being happy and I don't begrudge them having things I don't. That's life. On the whole I'm happy. Doesn't mean I can't feel annoyed or pissed off about people being insensitive towards me (when they really should know better).

It would be like me walking up to a homeless person, sleeping in a doorway in winter and telling them that I know exactly what it feels like to be them because I'm a bit cold at that point in time. Or that I'm starving, because I haven't eaten that day! (But I had yesterday and I will tomorrow).

I wouldn't do that because it would be fucking insulting and insensitive to them. I'm pretty sure that I'd be branded a complete self obsessed dick.

Whilst I can see why you feel it is an insensitive comment, I doubt it's really meant in the way you seem to think it is. Generally people who use this phrase are, at best, trying to empathise with you and at worst are simply saying at this moment in time they feel they are managing everything by themselves.

There are upsides and downsides to every situation. As a LP you may not have any support from another adult. In a marriage/partnership you will have to provide support to another adult as well as to your children. It's all swings and roundabouts really. Experience has taught me that you would have to know someone as well as you know yourself to be certain that they don't have problems you don't know about.

I have to disagree with you about unhappy marriages and options though. You do have options. You have the option to look for another relationship if you want to (it might not be easy but you have that option). You may not have much money but what you do have is entirely under your control. You are only answerable to yourself. Options for women in unhapy marriages may be very limited in comparison (they may not but you can't make a sweeping generalisation about that). They may have no access to money, housing, etc. They may run the risk of having to leave their children behind, even temporarily, if they leave. I think you're freer as an LP than you perhaps appreciate.

yes you're right. I could certainly look for a new relationship (if I had money to go out/babysitters).
I can't make my exp be a father or be there for me. I'm a LP. I will always be a LP. There is no choice I can make that will ever change that. I could meet the perfect man tomorrow but I would still be a LP.

You can be sure that you are grateful for what you do have. Rather than focusing on what other people have.

If you met someone tomorrow, how do you know a beautiful relationship wouldnt form and a year or two down the line you move in together?
What if he is more than happy to share your load? That would mean you would no longer be a lone parent.
You dont need the biological father to be present for you to not be a lone parent.

No, if you met the perfect man tomorrow and started a relationship where he lived with you and/or helped take care of your child, you would no longer be a lone parent. You don't have to be biologically related to a child to parent them.

Forgive me if I'm overstepping the mark but you seem very focused/hung up on your ex-partner not being there for you or your child. It seems as though you're not able to move on from that; not able to imagine a future where someone else takes on that role. Do you think you might be grieving for the life you imagined you'd have when you fell pregnant? If you haven't considered it before, it might be worth looking into some sort of counselling to help you move on. Sorry if you think I'm speaking out of turn.

Sorry - x-post with Strangeoccurence.

have read a few of the replies now and just wanted to come back on quickly (I need to dash and feed my baby when she wakes) to give you a bit of support MyIronLung (not read all your replies but you seem reasonable). I'm fed up of people who don't realise how lucky they are...yes, there are some people whose lives might look amazing but are actually crap, but there are also those whose lives look and are amazing (I know cos I'm related to some of these people) and some of them realise this and are tactful around those who have less, and some of them aren't, and some of them even have the audacity to kick up the kind of stink that some people are on here, accusing you of saying you've got a monopoly on unhappiness or something just cos you've raised the issue of the challenges in your life. I think a lot of the time these people know that what you're saying is right and subconsciously they feel guilty, and so they bite back instead of engaging with the guilt and acting accordingly. This is all a qualitative issue but someone somewhere needs to come up with some quantative measures as some people will never acknowledge inequality without having some numbers to guide them, it's a crude approach, in terms of accuracy, but necessary.

YADNBU. My dh is away for long periods and it is tiring BUT he comes back. If anything it makes me admire single parents much more.

Yy tran, I'd also like to offer my support iron

Having other difficulties in life, doesn't mean a person is 'like a single parent'. mrsdv pointed this out earlier

Its pretty erasing of the particular issues that SP have

I honestly can't get my knickers in a twist over this.

So what? It's how they feel at that moment in time so why shouldn't they say they feel like it? Yes being a single parent can be tough so can being a parent as part of a couple.

It's the same as the "who has it easier? SAHP vs WOHP. It's subjective. Nobody hold the monopoly over what is and isn't difficult parenting.

I don't understand the angst over this personally.

why oh why do we seem to measure the 'difficultness' of a single parents life only in terms of how much free time they have?

You do know it's way more complex than that, surely?

d0nt despite repeatedly posting on this thread, I not actually that bothered myself. But OP is. And I understand why

Couples raising kids together of course experience difficulties, sometimes much 'worse' than difficulties specifically caused by being a SP. But as a SP, all the difficulties you encounter, you face them alone