Aibu When people say "I feel like a single parent"?

[MyIronLung]

Bit of a ranty thread.

When people say this it properly pisses me off!
I know a few people who "feel like single parents". They're not. They have husbands/partners who work to provide and are present in their families/children's lives.

I, on the other hand, am a single parent. I have no other half. I have no time off/to myself (except when ds is in bed I'm knackered ). I have no one to share the burdens of life with. I don't go out because that would require leaving ds home alone, and at 4yo I think it would be frowned upon.
I'm the one that has to figure out how to make £60 stretch to provide all meals for the month. I'm the one that has to sell stuff to make ends meet because there's no other money coming into the house (no maintenance or contact. His choice).
I'm the one who does everything and buys everything because there's no other option or fall back.

One friends dh is in the forces. She often "feels like a LP, just with a healthier bank account " .
Another friends dh works f/t and gets home around 7pm during the week. This means she knows exactly what it's like to struggle with dc alone.

Aibu to feel mightily pissed off with these people and ever so slightly offended that they think for a moment they're even in the same vicinity as my boat?

[zippyswife]

Op. Not everyone judges. LPs have shot up in my estimation since I had my dcs. It must be really tough in so many ways. And you don't even have someone to tell you what a great job you're doing. Which I'm sure you are. Try not to let the fuckers get you down

[MyIronLung]

And let's not forget here that I'm the one who stayed. I didn't bail on ds when things got a bit hard.
I also know that it takes 2 to make a baby. Shockingly I'm not an uneducated halfwit popping out babies for something to do.

[Scaredycat3000]

YABU.
It is not a competition, and each family group has it's own different circumstances. Nobody knows what's going on behind each others front doors. On top of that we all cope in different ways.
Money slips between OH fingers faster than he can earn it, my plans are dismissed and my worries 'aren't as important as his' yes OH is a cock , then he works 12 hours shifts, days or nights, you want to keep two small DC's quiet all weekend house bound in this weather? I can't get a job around his shift pattern as it's so obscure or earn enough to warrant paying for childcare. Nobody offers to help when I'm struggling as they assume OH is, but often he can't due to 12 hours shifts. He undermines my parenting and often walks away leaving me to clear up the emotional or physical mess he's left.
I have no idea what it's like to be a single parent, but it can be bloody hard being a parent, full stop.
I hope you find life easier soon, the grass isn't always greener.

[MyIronLung]

Thanks zippy

Luckily I have the skin of a rhinoceros.

[Throwingshade]

kilmuir do you write for the Daily Mail?

What an ignorant comment. Lone parents are not all feckless women who have never been in a relationship with the father of their children - the majority are separated or divorced. And loving the delightful assumption that the child was a mistake!

[YouMakeMyDreams]

Like Elsa I found life as a single parent much easier than being in the crap relationship I was in before I left him. He was both useless and worked away. I felt like a single parent with a millstone round my neck in that situation and was far more stressful than life on my own was.

When I was a single parent I wasn't loaded but I didn't struggle either in fact now I'm married to someone else we struggle way more than I did on my own because I'm no longer in the same job.
Saying that people aren't allowed to say it remind me of a friend once saying it pissed her off when people with one child say they are tired because she has five.
People have a right to their own feelings and to comment how they see fit on the life they know.

[nokidshere]

YANBU for being irritated and the are NBU for feeling like they do.

I know a few single parents. They are all different. Some have good careers and plenty of support and others don't - exactly the same as in a marriage.

People don't really mean that they feel like a single parent when they say it. What they mean is that they feel they have no support and no help on a day to day basis.

[Scaredycat3000]

X posted by half the thread!
Stupid judgy people who look down on 'single' parents. It really isn't relevant as to why somebody is a single parent, it just means they might need a little extra help/support/whatever and if I can I will.

[MyIronLung]

scaredy I totally get that and quite frankly that sounds shit.

The people I'm talking about I do know though. I know they're happy and have happy marriages. No EA or any other type of abuse going on. It's just insensitivity.

I think one of the things that's hard is the lack of options to change things. I can't force dc father to be there for him (or there for me when he was about) but I think, if I was in a rubbish relationship, I could (try to) change that by leaving/getting counselling, ect. There are changes that can be made.
I know it's not that easy though so I'm sorry if I'm wrong or upset you in any way.
for you.

[BearFoxBear]

Sometimes it can seem that way though. My dh works away a lot - weeks at a time, home for the weekend then away again. When I've dealt with an overnight in hospital with 10 month old ds, various illnesses, all the nursery runs, my full-time and full on job, and all without any help whatsoever, or time to myself, I can certainly feel like I'm a single parent. I would never say it to an actual single parent though. But really, you don't always know how much someone else is dealing with alone.

[MyIronLung]

I agree. People do have a right to their own feelings.

My op was a ranty vent.

[Waltermittythesequel]

But you might have it easier than another LP whose life is tougher.

Maybe she's sitting there thinking you've no right to complain because you only have one ds. Or because your £60 is double what she has.

Everyone's different. LP aren't all the same just like married couples aren't all the same.

[MyIronLung]

walter yep I know. I often stop and make myself think about what I do have and I realise that my life really isn't awful. Things could be much much worse.
We have full tummies, a roof over our heads and many other good things in our lives.
It's all so relentless and having that comment said to me grates.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a bit 'woe is me' sometimes.
This was one of those times.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Well, I'd like to offer and and hope that things get better soon.

[thelouise]

YANBU because if it's not a competition, why would they compare themselves? They are obviously making it into a competition.

[dontaskdonttell]

I think your view of forces families is bizarre. Do you think our soldiers earn a fortune? They really don't, I'm married to one and we struggle every single month to get by. We have zero savings and each month is tough.

I often don't get to speak to my husband for days, sometimes weeks, depending on what he's doing. In that time I have no one to off load to, I've had to sell things to get by, I've had to manage 2 v young kids on my own. I am effectively a single parent at those moments. Dh isn't there to speak to, let alone support me in any way. I also don't always know that dh is going to come home (when he's been on tour).

I appreciate it must be frustrating for you to hear some people say it, but you haven't walked in my shoes!

[MamaLazarou]

YANBU, it's really insulting to single parents.

[SharkBastard]

See, I get a little miffed about people calling themselves Lone Parents when they receive help from the other parent. Surely if a person is receiving help, or co parenting, then they aren't 'lone parenting'.

I was a lone parent, I'm now married so I'm just back to being a parent ;)

I used to get a bit wound up by it because my life was a hell of a lot harder before I met DH and he works very long hours but I've been a lone parent, and his wage each month and help at the weekends more than make up for me doing the lions share of work in the family. I'm not alone.

So, YANBU it is annoying when people with partners say that

[colleysmill]

A few years ago there was a push for a topic for parents who weren't single but whose partners who worked away regularly (but not forces)

Dh used to work away ad hoc throughout the week with little notice and it was really challenging as a parent - there some similarities but also differences to a single parent.

It's only now dh has a job closer to home I realise how tough it actually was.

[MyIronLung]

dontask
I'm commenting on the forces families I know personally. They have spouses who are fairly high up the totem pole. (Think mega holidays, new cars yearly, ect). I don't begrudge them these things and quite honestly I Think they should probably earn more considering the job they do!

I'm sorry if I've upset you. It wasn't a blanket statement.

[dontaskdonttell]

No no, haven't upset me. Just wanted to put across another perspective about army life.

I feel your pain entirely about people saying insensitive things... I could write a book!

[JacquesHammer]

Isn't the different for those in a relationship struggling with a partner working away/long hours there is still an end in sight. Whether it is a weekend, day off etc etc.

For many single parents there isn't

[MyIronLung]

Yes. It's that light at the end of the tunnel that I, and many in my position, don't have. That's what I mean when I say its relentless.

[pchick]

I can see where you are saying, but being married does not't automatically make you rich, or mean you can go,out if your husband works long hours, or stops you being knackered etc. You don't have the access problems and there is someone to discuss things with, but I'd say that's the only difference between the two situations.

[MyIronLung]

Thanks walter. I've only just noticed the chocolate and wine . It's a shame I'm not drinking and trying to lose weight