Aibu When people say "I feel like a single parent"?

[MyIronLung]

Bit of a ranty thread.

When people say this it properly pisses me off!
I know a few people who "feel like single parents". They're not. They have husbands/partners who work to provide and are present in their families/children's lives.

I, on the other hand, am a single parent. I have no other half. I have no time off/to myself (except when ds is in bed I'm knackered ). I have no one to share the burdens of life with. I don't go out because that would require leaving ds home alone, and at 4yo I think it would be frowned upon.
I'm the one that has to figure out how to make £60 stretch to provide all meals for the month. I'm the one that has to sell stuff to make ends meet because there's no other money coming into the house (no maintenance or contact. His choice).
I'm the one who does everything and buys everything because there's no other option or fall back.

One friends dh is in the forces. She often "feels like a LP, just with a healthier bank account " .
Another friends dh works f/t and gets home around 7pm during the week. This means she knows exactly what it's like to struggle with dc alone.

Aibu to feel mightily pissed off with these people and ever so slightly offended that they think for a moment they're even in the same vicinity as my boat?

[D0ntLookD0wn]

I do get that. I've been on my own with DD since she was 7 weeks old. It is bloody hard but I still can't get what the big issue is with this.

We all at one point or another have compared ourselves to others. It doesn't mean that we believe our situations to be the same but more that you feel you can empathize to certain aspects and see a similarity in your own situation.

[Lurkedforever1]

The point is that if you're on your own, especially on a bad day, it's incredibly unfeeling for someone to say they are in the same position when they aren't.

Op isn't talking about someone who is in an abusive relationship, or who also cares ft for their partner etc. She's referring to people she knows, and yes, that's fucking annoying.

When dd was little I used to bite my lip at the sheer ignorance of some people. Because yeah, minding a child alone with a dh at work a lot is exactly like doing both roles. Like a post up thread somewhere that said it's the same because her dh is away in the week. No, that's not the bloody same. If your dh is away in the week you don't shit yourself if you're really ill wondering if your child will end up in emergency foster care till you're well, or wondering how the fuck you'll get that operation that requires ga with a baby in tow. Or worrying who raises your child if you die.

Yeah yeah, I get not all couples have that, and some lps do. But when the person knows you, and you know them it's so galling.

As for it being better than an abusive relationship, no argument, that's why I ended up an lp. But he's just a tosser who isn't worth a thought years later. However the worry of being the sole parent remains. And for me, when things were tough I didn't cheer myself up thinking how I was better off single. Can't say at any point I thought 'yeah exhausted from 4 hrs sleep in 72 with an ill toddler, but at least my limbs are in tact'. Or 'yeah, I'm too ill myself to carry my baby downstairs but better than it being cos my ribs are cracked'. My thought process didn't work that way.

Although it's ok for me to tell a skint, struggling, exhausted lp I know how they feel cos I've been there, I wouldn't say in my current position 'yes, I'm in the same position, can't afford a Range Rover sport so stuck with the old 4wd, would love a cruise but saving for a cheap 2 weeks abroad, bit exhausted from a party at wkend'. Because it's not the same at all.

[D0ntLookD0wn]

I think saying they are in the same position or they feel like they are sometimes are very different though.

[MyIronLung]

Thank you Trian and Lagoona and everyone else who has understood where I was coming from when I wrote my op.

The worry of what would happen to my ds if I died is a very real thing. I've recently given up smoking because the thought of purposely doing something to myself, that I could've stopped at any time, and then leaving ds with no one was actually keeping me awake at night.

Even worse than that would be the relevant services tracking down his feckless father and handing him over to a man who doesn't know him, let alone care about him. The though leaves me cold...

[BackInTheRealWorld]

I have been a single parent and in a relationship where I felt like a single parent and now I'm a single parent again. Being a single parent is FAR preferable in my experience. No one to let me down time and time again. No one to wind me up and upset me at the end of a long day once I have got the kids to bed and just want some time off. No one to spend the money I have carefully budgeted. No one to create more drama, work, stress or misery.
At least being a single parent I know where I am and what to expect and I answer to no one else and if someone hurts me or fucks me over I don't have to then see them every day in my own home.
So hell yeah being a single parent can be better and easier and happier.
YABU.

[MyIronLung]

I wasn't trying to say that being a LP is the hardest, or that being part of a couple is easier. Every situation is different.

What I was trying to say is that it's irritating/insulting when people who know me and my situation try to compare their lives to mine, when we both know they're worlds apart.

I know nothing of anyone else and have no opinion on how hard/easy, good/bad their lives are.

[D0ntLookD0wn]

I had the same fears OP and did the same as you. Quit smoking, try to eat better, exercise more. Basically everything I could to increase my chance of good health.

I also had a will drawn up. Given that my ex has had zero involvement and doesn't support DD financially he has given me reassurance that my wishes are most likely to be followed where care for DD is concerned. At this point care would be given to my parents. I'll be changing that soon to my brother and his partner.

It's hard but you're doing your best. Don't let it bug you. Really, it's just one of these things and although it doesn't bother me at all I see it bothers you. Just smile and nod. You have bigger fish to fry

[D0ntLookD0wn]

Also it's always good to remember that you never know what it's really like behind closed doors. There could be a lot you don't know. There may not be but truly you can't ever be 100% certain.

[D0ntLookD0wn]

And by he for reassurance I meant the solicitor who did my will.

[grobagsforever]

Yup. My DH died when I was pregnant with my second daughter. I am an utterly alone parent. YANBU ppl should think.

[elastamum]

So sorry growbags . YADNBU. It is such an insensitive thing to say.

A friend (rich city lawyer DH working long hours) once said this to me shortly after my ex left me living alone with 2 small DC in a rural area of the country where I knew no one. She thought that because I had an au pair - to help me manage childcare around my 3 hour commute to work each day - that it was the same as still having a partner at home.

At the time I was sad, lonely and sometimes scared about what might happen, but she just didn't get it

[mommy2ash]

A friend once made a comment like this to me and didn't even have to good grace to apologise or backtrack when I pointed out our situations were not the same. Each with their own struggles of course but not the same. Instead she continued to argue the point.

I don't mind being a lone parent on the whole. I tend to just get on with things and deal with the reality of the situation. For me the hardest part is not having that other half of my dd there to watch her grow love her and be proud of her like I am. Sometimes it's just very lonely to not have someone to share the parenting experience with.

[MyIronLung]

for you growbags. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Being a lone parent is relentless, there is no end to it. At least if you have a partner, at some point they're coming home, or they'll call or message or whatever.

True, and when they come home and complain about the mess and ask what exactly you've been doing while they were at work, and they can't help make dinner as they don't know what is in the fridge and they can't help tidy up as they 'don't know where anything goes' and they expect to be left in peace because 'they've been working all week' it's just soooo much easier having a husband!

When I was married I always said life would be easier as a single parent than having to deal with my ex and I was right, I stand by that. He wasn't emotionally supportive, he was financially controlling, entitled and selfish, not partaking in family life when he was around. Sadly like too many others.

And like someone said upthread, the only thing that spurred me on to leave was that I was essentially a single parent but without the ability to date other people! So then I left him, did some dating, met a wonderful man and lived happily ever after as a single parent with a live-out boyfriend - best of both worlds!

[Goodbetterbest]

I hear you OP, but it's one of those things that you just don't get until you've tried it.

I've been a LP with a newborn, married with a DH who works away a lot (probably said it myself to be honest) and now a LP again. It is different and it is harder. Much, much harder.

But emotionally it is healthier than being in a disfunctional and emotionally abusive relationship. We are a happier family for it, but personally shouldering all the responsibility, lacking adult contact and taking nothing for granted is hard.

[LagoonaBlu]

That's not the situation most people are in, when they make comments like that though mark. It doesn't sound like the scenario that OPs friend is in

I was married to an alcoholic, so I hear you.

I think for me it is that there is no safety net. I have seen partners support each other through I'll health, redundancies etc. I have seen friends being the only one working and caring for kids, so that their partners can take months out to recover from depression. People in couples give up jobs when they are unhappy or kid-logistics are difficult; and make do with 1 wage

I've suffered depression/anxiety and redundancy which resulted in mortgage arrears because there just was no household income. I can't take months of work to recover

I think single parenthood can present much more fundamental issues, that couples are cushioned from

[Hihohoho1]

I think you are right op. And why not vent. It's better venting on here than RL.

My dh works all over the world, once in Australia for 6 months.

However he skypes us, we text, we are financially secure and I know that if there was a serious issue he would be home in a heartbeat.

I do envy friends whose dhs come home every night and it pisses me off that they don't seem to realise how lucky they are but I still see myself as lucky to have a partner to share things with.

I think being a single parent must be bloody hard.

[BaronessEllaSaturday]

I'm in a similar position to Mark for me life as a lone parent is a thousand times easier. They don't see their dad at all but neither do I. I also have control of my own money, no one undermining me. Couldn't tell you the last time I went out but I'm happy at home and very happy to stay single. I don't though have worries about money nor do I have to worry what would happen to my youngest if anything happened to me. I know she would be well cared for.

I am a lone parent but that doesn't mean I can relate to what you go through day to day or vice versa.

[Baressentials]

I sort of think YABU. It doesn't offend me when people describe themselves as almost a single/lone parent despite having a husband/partner. In some ways I can understand why it might be harder for them to have their DH sometimes at home and sometimes not. At least I know it is all down to me. My routine stays the same. House rules stay the same. Discipline is consistent. I think I would find it hard to have another adult who is sometimes here and implimenting their own rules etc and then they are gone for maybe weeks at a time.
What does piss me off is my ds's dad describing himself as a lone/single parent to use as a hook to pull women when he has ds for little over 2 days a month and even then spends most his time around his mothers.

[Baressentials]

Hihohoho Is it hard when your DH is at home? Do the dynamics change? Do you get annoyed if he suggests something re the house or dc and it is down to you to keep his suggestions going when he is away? My brother was a long distance lorry driver and I know he found it hard when he got home -sister-in-law might have decorated a room or had to renegotiate what times their DC had to be home etc he felt like it wasn't as much his home and his wife and dc became their own self sufficient unit and he was almost surplus he was also a knob who decided when he was home to try and stamp his authority on any changes

[MyIronLung]

Oh god I can't imagine sharing my home with another adult again! I'm nearing 40 and I've become selfish. I'm so used to things being my way that I don't think I could want to adjust to anything else.

This is one of the good things about being a LP

[queenofthepirates]

I completely hear you!

My (married) mother was telling me how awful it was having to do all of her company accounts, all on her own because she couldn't persuade her husband to help her. I sat there thinking, well I should be so lucky! I run a company twice the size of hers, on my own, look after my DD, on my own, have no help from DD's Dad, do all my own accounts and keep it all together. I kept my mouth shut, my relationship with her is quite strained enough atm but in my head I was telling her to grow up and grow a pair.