Aibu When people say "I feel like a single parent"?

[MyIronLung]

Bit of a ranty thread.

When people say this it properly pisses me off!
I know a few people who "feel like single parents". They're not. They have husbands/partners who work to provide and are present in their families/children's lives.

I, on the other hand, am a single parent. I have no other half. I have no time off/to myself (except when ds is in bed I'm knackered ). I have no one to share the burdens of life with. I don't go out because that would require leaving ds home alone, and at 4yo I think it would be frowned upon.
I'm the one that has to figure out how to make £60 stretch to provide all meals for the month. I'm the one that has to sell stuff to make ends meet because there's no other money coming into the house (no maintenance or contact. His choice).
I'm the one who does everything and buys everything because there's no other option or fall back.

One friends dh is in the forces. She often "feels like a LP, just with a healthier bank account " .
Another friends dh works f/t and gets home around 7pm during the week. This means she knows exactly what it's like to struggle with dc alone.

Aibu to feel mightily pissed off with these people and ever so slightly offended that they think for a moment they're even in the same vicinity as my boat?

YANBU

I have been both . A single parent with no one else , no family support at all. Completely responsible for everything .

And a married parent whose partner works away from home for weeks at a time and gets no time off when he returns .

There's no comparison .

I was trying to refer to the multitude of differences between someone who has support (financial is just a part of that) and someone like myself who has none.

I was a single parent and it is much better than being with a useless or abusive partner, frankly. My neighbours used to be jealous of me because I came and went as I pleased and did not have deal with a husband.

But everyone's situation is different. I only had one child, and I admire people who have several.

Yanbu. And it's insensitive for people to think so. When dd was little, I wouldn't have told a parent whose child had complex needs requiring 24/7 care I knew how they felt. No different to telling a lp you're in the same position when you don't.

Sorry forget the name, but to the poster who called the ignorant poster a daily mail journalist.

I think OP appreciates that it is better to be single than to have an unsupportive partner.

However, in turn, it is also better (in parenting terms) to have a supportive co-parent.

Why she has repeatedly been made to justify the fact that some single parents have it easy and that it's better than being with an abuser, I don't know!

It is shit sometimes, isnt it. When people make these comments, and yet you know they always have that option at least once during the week of going for a walk alone to clear their heads.

It doesnt make their feelings any less than those of an actual single parent. They probably are really feeling the struggle at that moment in time. But a lot do have options that actual LP just dont.

I dont think yabu for feeling how you do.
I do think yabu for feeling your feelings are more valid than those you are talking about, just because they are not LP.
I know its just a rant, but i dont think you should let these comments 'offend' you.

I am a lone parent of 3. I would love a 5 minute walk to clear my head sometimes...the struggle is real

It's swings and roundabouts. I've been in a shitty relationship with dd's dad, a singe parent with no maintenance and now in a stable relationship. Each situation had its good and bad points.

I would say the hardest thing about being a single parent is the feeling of total responsibility for everything 24 hours a day 7 days a week all year every year. Loneliness was a problem sometimes. The best thing is not having to answer to anyone and being the master of your own ship.

The worst thing in a relationship is when you disagree. And whilst I am financially more stable, I actually have less available cash for me as he earns more and we have yet got to the stage of sharing finances totally. Mainly because I want to retain some control, ironically enough!

People shouldn't say it but what they are really saying is they feel lonely and re having to do everything for periods of time. They just don't realise you will have no relief from that. But then to them it probably feels less fair as they actually have a partner who is abesnt.

I appreciate the people getting where I'm coming from. Thank you .

I also appreciate hearing from those of you who think IABU. Life could be better but conversely, it could also be much shitter!

I can see why it annoys you

Some lone parents are literally just that
Others however have 50:50 and might well get some weekends and time to them self
So a woman with a husband that works offshore for 4 solids weeks could easily get less downtime than her single mate friend

Try not to take it personally - as many people assume that often due to shared parenting sometimes there is odd time

Also a lot of people are stuck in abusive relationships where on top of no support they get verbal shit too that's me

I am daunted by single motherhood though - I am sure it's no walk in the park op

when people do that i always refrain from saying anything. just look with a semi smile in my house thinking NO YOU ARE NOT.
same as when people tell me about the terrible week they had alone when their husband went away for work. as if it was a terrible difficult situation and how awful it is and how hard it is.
i think... actually, what I think is, 'it's not that bad is it? I quite enjoy it.'
but i don't say that.
(I also deliberately don't dwell on how much easier my life might be with a partner).

What scares me is less the downtime issue

More the lack of a co parent if things go wrong , if things fo wrong at school or God forbid health issues

Social life and downtime can be restricted for many ppl- but having someone else who loves and cares for them as much as you

Stopfuckingshoutingatme -
I hope you find the strength to leave. I hope it is soon because you will find an enormous amount of strength within you that you dont even realise you posess.
An abusive relationship is like dealing with another child, with all and more of lifes stresses and worries hanging all on your shoulders, while trying to remain strong and being a mother.
Once you let go, a lot of weight goes with it, making way for you to come out to do the things you need/want to do. Where you are actually able to, without getting shit for it.

Yanbu. I used to be a single parent and I HATED people saying that. If your husband is absent it's because he's working to help provide for you all, how lucky! I'm married now and sometimes dh has to work weekends leaving me with the kids. It can be a bit of a grind as I work too but there is NO comparison to those stressful days when I carried that responsibility alone. People are arses sometimes.

YANBU. And a tinkly laugh starts to sound like broken glass after a while IMHO.

Personally, the idea of co parenting brings me out in a cold sweat. I love that I no longer have to placate, persuade or justify myself to somebody who bangs on about his rights but doesn't care about his responsibilities.

I am a one woman band and have no one to pick up my slack or to give me emotional, financial or physical support but when I look at couples I'm not envious because I don't make the assumption that they have it better. When I was in a relationship with DD's Dad I was a lonely parent and now I'm not, I am a lone parent.

It was much harder when DD was younger because we were never apart and the parenting experience was relatively new. Now we're both older and DD goes to school, has after school clubs and play dates, it's less claustrophobic and all consuming.

I am sure there are some who do look down on me because I am a LP but I don't give a flying f*ck. I am immensely proud of my gang of two and the only time I feel sadness for DD, is when I see kids with their Dad's knowing she doesn't have that opportunity. Hopefully, she will inherit my pragmatism because I never missed my absent Dad and I dread to think of the type of relationship I would have had with such a selfish and weak man.

I have a close friend who is a single parent but who has a good 50/50 co parenting relationship with her EX and has a close family who are physically, emotionally and financially supportive. Her life is the envy of all my friends, wether they be a single parent or a parent in a relationship.

I understand your bitterness but there aren't any positives holding on to such negative emotions.

YANBU at all.

I have a friend who used to say that whereas what she was was a SAHM married to someone with a hugely demanding job. It annoyed me then and I'm not a single parent.

Ironically she is now a single parent whose marriage ended in terrible circumstances. Now though she tells us all about the fantastic social life she has - xh has their dc at weekends - and that she "feels very sorry" for me as "I don't have a life".

So the other explanation for why somome might come out with "it's like being a single parent" is that they're actually a little bit thick.

YABU. It's not a competition. Nobody is minimising your difficulties by saying that and everyone's situation is different. What would you prefer people said to describe feeling alone in parenting?

Thanks strange

YABU, it's a comment and life is not a competition over who has it worse.

Life isn't automatically better for couples, they may have to work around each other due to childcare costs, they may have no outside help etc where as some will be ok financially and have help. Likewise there will be LP who work full time and have no help or state assistance and there are plenty who don't have to work, get CM on top of benefits, time off when the NRP has the children and help from parents on the other days.

I think a forces wife would probably have a similar-ish experience to single-parenthood to me - who is a single parent. With probably a bit more money, but I am not having to struggle to balance the money (whereas I did when I was with waste of space ex).

I think comparison's are not useful because not everyone's experience is the same, and when people try to compare it's usually either 'my life is worse than yours' or 'my life is better than yours' and who is to say how you would feel in their shoes? You don't know.

I would imagine a forces wife would be a bit stressed every time there is bad news from the region their husband is posted in. That can't be easy, and it's not something I have had to learn to live with.

I'm a lone parent. I get a very healthy amount of maintenance and more 'me' time than I know what to do with. My ex can be difficult sometimes (can't we all?!) but he is usually there if I need to discuss concerns about our children. I sometimes find myself having to remind married friends about the upsides of married life, often when I'm skipping off on holiday while my kids are away with their dad, or booking a girly weekend away without any negotiating or catering...

I remember before we got divorced, though, when I was doing all the childcare in the week as he wasn't back until they were in bed, and trying to keep my children out of their grumpy dad's way because he needed 'a break' at weekends. I used to say I felt like a lone parent. Actually, my life was much harder then than it is now.

It's just one of those silly, ignorant things people say to try to express how they feel. Marriages vary wildly, lone parent experiences vary wildly, nobody is trying to take anything away from those who are suffering when they try to articulate their own difficulties.

YADNBU.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm a single parent to my 4 yr old DD. I always have been, her 'D'F has never ever met her. I know people sometimes make flippant comments, but with all due respect, 99% of the time they have NO IDEA what it is like to be on your own. I have wonderful parents who help me alot, but it doesn't change the fact that I am the sole parent. Everything boils down to me. It can be incredibly wearing trying to keep everything going and the hardest thing can be the lack of another person at the end of the day to just take some of the emotional strain.

I am not saying that they have it easier, I would rather be on my own than with a twat of an unhelpful husband and of course would never dream of saying it in RL. Probably being massively U myself! Sometimes its just nice to vent about these things on MN though!

when I was with my ex, I felt like a single parent. We saw him for less than 2 min a day on average over a month (yes, towards the end I did indeed keep track and work it out)

He was unemployed. He spent ALL his time on his pc playing games upstairs - games that were totally not suitable for my very young children (3 and 1 at the time) to see so even when the eldest asked to see daddy he wasn't allowed in the room.

He slept separate from me.

so... I never saw him. He turned up to collect his dinner (microwaved), occasionally bitched at me about something, then vanished. the children didn't see him at all. He wasn't working so providing for us.

so yes, I was a single parent in all practical and emotional matters. he was just still in the house, eating our food and using our electricity. No emotional support, no practical help, no income.

(my stress level plummeted when he finally left - 6 months after I broke up with him)

Another race to the bottom thread.
I know single parents whose DC go to their other parents house every other weekend, the grandparents offer free babysitting as and when, the parents themselves are good earners and can pay for holidays etc, costs for DC school trips are shared, not every single parent is a struggling mess.
Not everyone in a relationship has it as easy as the above (said in all honesty).
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and overanalysing things other people say. It's a throwaway comment that has struck a chord with you, but everyone is fighting their own fight.

I don't think OP was 'feeling sorry for herself'! Honestly, do people really still say that?! Her feelings are as valid as everyone else's. Some SPs have very lovely lives, no one is disputing that. It would appear the OP is not one of them, but she isn't complaining about her life, just stating the facts. I know how she feels, but even though you may know you are being a bit daft and U, you can help but feel it!