Aibu When people say "I feel like a single parent"?

[MyIronLung]

Bit of a ranty thread.

When people say this it properly pisses me off!
I know a few people who "feel like single parents". They're not. They have husbands/partners who work to provide and are present in their families/children's lives.

I, on the other hand, am a single parent. I have no other half. I have no time off/to myself (except when ds is in bed I'm knackered ). I have no one to share the burdens of life with. I don't go out because that would require leaving ds home alone, and at 4yo I think it would be frowned upon.
I'm the one that has to figure out how to make £60 stretch to provide all meals for the month. I'm the one that has to sell stuff to make ends meet because there's no other money coming into the house (no maintenance or contact. His choice).
I'm the one who does everything and buys everything because there's no other option or fall back.

One friends dh is in the forces. She often "feels like a LP, just with a healthier bank account " .
Another friends dh works f/t and gets home around 7pm during the week. This means she knows exactly what it's like to struggle with dc alone.

Aibu to feel mightily pissed off with these people and ever so slightly offended that they think for a moment they're even in the same vicinity as my boat?

And to be fair, the 2 examples she gave which sparked it off would grate on me a little bit!

Yes, I do agree with you that it's annoying for coupled/married people to say that they feel like they are single parents when they aren't but I'll be honest with you, I find single parents who are not genuinely single parents (ie raising children completely alone) who moan on and on about how hard their life is, more annoying.

To me to be a single parent this means that you are raising your child alone without a partner there to help you, whether that be practically, financially, emotionally. If you do have someone in your life who does provide these things regardless of whether you are still a couple or not then you are not a single parent, you are a single person, two completely separate things.

You don't know what other people are going through behind closed doors OP. Life isn't a big competition. Focus on your child and your own life and don't worry about others so much.

Yes but some married parents have things tough and some single parents have it bloody easy. For instance I have a close group of friends, single, in relationships and married. I went out for dinner with two of them last week, one of them is married with three children and the other is single with three children.

My friend who is married her middle child is diagnosed as autistic, her husband works long days and some weekends and I honestly don't know how she does it. My single friend, like I said has three children but she has a massive support network unlike my married friend and she therefore gets weekends away from her children as her ex husband is a great father and insists on taking the children most weekends. She goes out on the town, has shopping days with friends and goes for reflgular facials and spa days. My single friend claims to have things tough but nothing could be further from the truth, in fact she has considerably more time to herself than my married friend does and indeed more than I do myself, yet she spouts to me and on Facebook about how hard her life is.

YABU. You don't know what goes on in other peoples relationships.

FWIW, all I get from my DH is his pay packet. When I was running just my accounts everything was fine. Trying to contend with his erratic spending is not so easy. He takes zero responsibility for finances, the house, the child, anything really.

He works nights and his current routine is he comes home, watches TV, goes to bed, gets up, watches TV, goes to work. His 2 days off fall while I am at work and DD is at school. It's his "day off" so he chooses to do FA.

I've had to go part time because I can't fit in the school run and he can't get home in time to take DD to school, even tho he's supposed to finish at 8am.

The house is a midden and all he keeps saying is "we've got too much stuff". He refuses to sort anything out and while I'm at home he's asleep in the bedroom, so I can't do it myself. He starts jobs at home and doesn't finish them - we've had a building site for a bathroom for well over a year. I lived on my own for 6 months and it was so much simpler. Once I'd cleared up it stayed clear, because nobody came behind me mucking it up.

If he's at home he's asleep, even the evenings he isn't working. So I get DD 24/7 and zero companionship from him. If I need him at any time he is uncontactable, so any emergency is mine to d/w.

He sounds like a total git but I will stress he's only been like this for the last 5 years and we've been married 32. I do consider I'm effectively a LP since he doesn't perform any useful function and I do everything.

YABVU. It's not for you to say how other people should feel.

"I feel like a single parent"...well what does that even mean? Some people with partners get no support at all, no help with the children, only more work looking after a useless partner as well as the children.
And some single parents have a great life, with very involved exes, whole weekends to themselves, weeks off, maybe lots of family support as well.

And every other combination in between. The "I'm a single parent so I automatically have it harder" is utter bullshit. And competitive misery is a bore anyway.

Like Elsa and others have said, There is no comparison, because there is no one size fits all.

I find life as a single parent a lot easier than being in the shitty marriage I was in, the burdens weren't shared, I wasn't paid attention to, I had all the stress of the kids with no breaks as well as having my ex and his wants and needs to contend with.
*
If someone in my life is stressed or upset then I will do what I can to sympathise with them, not chastise them because they are having a hard time of it.*

I'm financially better off now that I don't have xh breathing down my neck watching every penny I spend and criticising my priorities while he buys himself toys and gadgets.

He pays CSA minimum, I also work and get tax credits, meaning I have a nice life with my DCs. My new DP doesn't live with me, but treats me to weekends away, buys me nice gifts etc.

He has the DCs for one night a week, whereas before they were lucky if he spent half an hour a week with them. I get a full night to myself, which is bliss!

New DP is al also very loving and supportive unlike xh. Xh used to work shifts, so rarely around at weekends and also worked away from home for a while, either coming home every few days or at one point, every 3 weeks for a couple of days.

I realised then that I could live without him because it WAS like being a single parent. I had no support, no affection, no company and full responsibility for running a home and family. I was still working and also solely looking after 3 DCs and even when xh came home he was tired and useless and "didn't know where things were kept, or what we had in the cupboards or what people liked to eat" so was no help at all.

Life really is easier and better for me as a LP than it was when married to him, so I think yabu to resent others saying that - everyone's situation is unique and if someone feels unsupported or left in the lurch by their DH then I think they probably would manage fine without him!

And by that logic viola, its even more incorrect for a non-SP to say they feel like one

What irritates me about 'I feel like a SP', is that it is usually said as a result of having to do a lot of the practical childcare stuff alone. Whereas, I find that is probably the least difficult part of being a SP. Having no emotional support and having to make all decisions is what defines being a SP for me

See horsey says "I have wonderful parents who help me alot, but it doesn't change the fact that I am the sole parent. "

I don't have any parents and neither did xh, so a single parent with GPs to help out might well be in a better position than a married one (me) with no GPs on either side and a useless H.

Yes I agree with you there Mark. Don't get me wrong my dh isn't useless, not by any means but he's only home at weekends and every other week he works Saturday so it's not even a full weekend, I don't blame him as he's currently working his way up the ladder career wise and it's taken him ages to get were he is now. But when I have to listen to my friend moaning on about how hard her life is I could scream. She's a single person but is in no way a single parent. She gets every weekend off as her ex takes the kids and her parents do all the school runs for her even though she only works 10-1 every day. She uses this free time like I said to treat herself. Where as me, I do six separate school runs every day (3 children at 3 separate schools) plus work 30 hours a week and I have zero help from my side of the family and minimal and occasional help from dh's family when we are desperate.

Having a partner to share "emotional stuff with" yes it is nice but what use is that, practically i mean, if they are hardly around or always at work? Like I've already said one of my friends has practical, emotional and financial support from her ex, parents and even from her two of her sisters who she relies on heavily. She isn't struggling what so ever. And whilst I appreciate that not all single parents have this kind of support, equally not all married parents who's other halves work long hours/are in the forces have it as easy as some single parents might think.

i have said this in the past. when my kids were little my husband was away mon -friday
we didn't have enough money, i had no family support and very few friends, i didn't drive and i was just stuck. i could never go out, i had to manage everything alone-i remember falling downstairs and injuring myself really badly but still having to cope with a baby and a toddler alone despite having a fracture .
all shopping had to be done either walking or on the bus with a baby and toddler and i was so unhappy it was unreal.
i remember thinking that if i really was a single parent at least i'd be able to join gingerbread and i'd be able to do online dating etc

it was a very unhappy time in my life.
did i really know what it was like to be a lone parent? no but it was an expression of loneliness and struggle.

Have you ever done parenting without emotional support Isabelle?

i remember thinking that if i really was a single parent at least i'd be able to join gingerbread and i'd be able to do online dating etc

No, I haven't but that doesn't mean I don't what it is like to feel lonely, and that everything is literally on me, because it is.

My friend who is married her middle child is diagnosed as autistic, her husband works long days and some weekends and I honestly don't know how she does it. My single friend, like I said has three children but she has a massive support network unlike my married friend and she therefore gets weekends away from her children as her ex husband is a great father and insists on taking the children most weekends. She goes out on the town, has shopping days with friends and goes for reflgular facials and spa days. My single friend claims to have things tough but nothing could be further from the truth, in fact she has considerably more time to herself than my married friend does and indeed more than I do myself, yet she spouts to me and on Facebook about how hard her life is

is life not being tough measured purely in how much free time we have? or how many spa days we are able to have?

Different people have different experiences. It is not for you (or anyone else) to determine how easy or difficult someone might be finding things. Way too many variables.

I'm a single parent, and I for me it is a lot easier than being in a relationship. Not for everyone though. But I can't see why having another adult cluttering the house up would make me any freer, except maybe financially, if they are bringing a wage in. But then lots of single parents do get child support as well as freedom, so the best of both, I'd consider!

yanbu, although its not as if all single parents have the same experience or all find it shit either.
Im pretty sure there are many many instances where it is less shit to be a single parent, than in a partnership that is anything but. Not all couples support each other, and there are many that make their partners do fucking everything.There are many single parents who are fulfilled and have good support networks in their life and many people in a relationship who are totally isolated.

All feelings are relative

Exactly, having my husband at home doesn't make that much difference to our day to day life. Obviously I adore him and wouldn't be without him but as he works a lot the only time I get to do things on my own is of a Saturday/Sunday morning when I go food shopping! Finiancially again, it's great that he is here and brings in a wage alongside mine, but if I were a single parent then I'd be entitled to claim tax credits as well as housing and council tax benefit that we aren't entitled to now, and they would effectively make up a good chunk of what I'd lose in dh's wages.

Plus if were to ever separate then he'd have to re think his job prospects to ensure he got to spend enough time with our children, no doubt that would mean he'd go back to a typical mon-fri 9-5 (he's over qualified for his profession done would walk into a job) which would mean I would get tons of time to myself, therefore effectively making my life "easier". I'm in no way saying that this is what I want to happen as i'd be devastated if me and my dh were to ever separate but I'm simply saying for me, life would be tons easier as a single parent/person.

I'm a lone parent and it doesn't bother me when people say that. In fact I feel sorry for them. If they genuinely feel like that then they are worse off than me. Yep raising four kids is hard on my own but it's a hell of a lot easier than it was trying to raise them in an unsupportive marriage.

Op YANBU.

Comments that people are 'effectively single parents' are insensitive and it winds me up no end.

For what it's worth, I'm a lone parent. I have no support whatsoever from DSs father. I also have an ex partner in the forces. Being with someone in the forces is not the same as being a lone parent at all. Being a lone parent is relentless, there is no end to it. At least if you have a partner, at some point they're coming home, or they'll call or message or whatever. You don't have to deal with all the pressures alone indefinitely. That's the difference. Knowing that even while my ex was on deployment or training exercise, he was out there thinking about us and he'd be coming home to us got me through some really difficult times.

Of course people make these comments without really thinking, and they don't mean to offend. But sometimes it's good to have a rant and get things off your chest and for needing to do that YADNBU