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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was My Colleague Totally U? I think She was..

464 replies

CaptainCrunch · 09/01/2016 15:59

Hi everyone,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am a Learning Assistant in a Primary School, we returned on Wednesday for an inservice day. There were 2 boxes of chocolates wrapped up on the staff room table with a card in a sealed envelope on top marked "To support staff".

We went off and did some training and came back for our break to see that the one of the boxes had been opened, almost completely finished and our card opened too, the envelope scrunched up beside it.

We were a bit annoyed as the teaching staff have form for horsing all the goodies before any support staff can get near it (they take their breaks before us).

With the agreement of my colleagues I wrote this note on the staff room whiteboard:

"Hi, just to say the chocs were specifically for support staff..we have no problem sharing them, but would have preferred to open the card and gift ourselves" and signed it from all the support staff.

The next day I walked into my class and a box of chocs was on my desk, turns out it was my class teacher who had opened them.

She was absolutely horrible to me and said "I'm really pissed off about that note, I've replaced the chocolates". This was in a very nasty, abrupt tone.

I said it wasn't about the chocolates it was because it was clearly marked to us and had been opened without our consent.

She then said "Well, I didn't read the envelope properly, I thought it said to ALL staff...there's a ridiculous divide between the support staff and teaching and shit like this doesn't help".

I was really stunned. We get on well together and I really admire her but I thought this was completely uncalled for.

She is correct in that there is a bit of a divide...mainly because a lot of the teaching staff treat us like second class citizens, some can barely bring themselves to say "good morning".

I'm not going to let it affect our professional relationship, but she's really gone down in my estimation and it's left a bad taste.

Am I being U to let this bug me so much?

OP posts:
munkisocks · 09/01/2016 21:47

Imo YANBU. Seems like the divide isn't really helping things but I can see why you're pissed off if the support staff have their breaks after the teachers and there is never a fair share of goodies left for support staff, especially if it's labelled for them! If you'd come on here with a thread asking if you should write a polite note I think you'd have got a whole load of responses as yes so looks like you can't win.

At my work we have what we call the milk monitor. Its just two members of staff who take it upon themselves to ration out milk, coffee and sugar. We have a kitchen in our office and one in sales. Our office is about 12 people, sales is double. They give sales kitchen exact same amount of rations as we get but when sales come for more because there are obviously more people, milk monitors have a total meltdown that someone must be stealing milk or coffee and so they lock it away in a separate room haha. Work pays for all the refreshments though so it's not as if they are out of pocket!

pluck · 09/01/2016 21:51

I'm quite shocked by the number of people who think (or pretend to think) the OP and her colleagues were wrong to say this wasn't acceptable.

Receiving a note wasn't even a punishment for the teacher(s), compared to the "punishment" the support staff got: (1) their present and their recognition, stolen, (2) their complaint met with hostility, (3) worse relations afterwards.

I don't care if the teachers are comparatively put-upon and it's really the HT's fault. This teacher used comparative privilege to punish someone beneath her.

fastdaytears · 09/01/2016 21:53

I'm not pretending to think anything. These notes are childish and massively passive aggressive. It's not something that would be tolerated at all in any work place I've known.

Lobatri · 09/01/2016 21:55

If it's only a box of chocolates why couldn't they have done the decent thing and left them and the card for the staff they were addressed to, to open? I've given thingsspecifically to certain sections of a team before to say in my own way I value as much if not more than other sections and would be very annoyed if the wrong staff members had taken it upon themselves to open the gift. If they had been for The Head I'm sure they wouldn't have done any of this!

Original poster
CaptainCrunch · 09/01/2016 22:00

Thanks pluck and lob.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 09/01/2016 22:17

At our school, it's pretty common that if you get given a box of chocolates or biscuits that it gets put on the staff room table for everyone to share, or people will randomly cook something and bring it in to share and leave it on the table. If it's on the table, then it's for everyone. A gift that is specified for a certain person or team wouldn't be left there. Wander in, see chocolates in generally accepted place for shared treats, have one. Doesn't take long for them to disappear.

As for food not being left, well it sounds like a failure of the person who is ordering the food. All of our staff meals have more than enough food that everyone eats their fill and the latecomers still get their fair pickings. If there is not enough food ordered for everyone, then that's a problem for the organisers.

roundaboutthetown · 09/01/2016 22:26

If the teacher is normally lovely, I'd just put it down to her taking your note personally. If she feels like she tries to be one of the good guys, despite the appalling atmosphere at work, she'll be feeling hurt to have been perceived as "one of them." You lumped all the teachers together instead of perceiving them as individuals and therefore unintentionally hurt the feelings of a real person you actually quite like. In other words, it was an unfortunate misunderstanding and the stressful atmosphere at work has made you both overreact to it.

Sedona123 · 09/01/2016 22:29

YANBU, and I can't see a problem with your note either.

I think that the class teacher's behaviour was wrong and disrespectful. Who opens a present before looking at the card to check who it is for? Also, leaving the envelope scrunched up next to the card and present was really rude too. If she had opened the chocolates and eaten them, then realised that they weren't for her, she should have left a note apologising and offering to replace the chocolates.

Just out of curiosity, what did the card say? Was it just "from Headteacher", or "To Support Staff, from Headteacher". If the latter, she definitely knew she was wrong, and her stroppy behaviour was U.

catfordbetty · 09/01/2016 22:32

These notes are childish and massively passive aggressive.

Exactly.

kickassangel · 09/01/2016 22:33

I've taught in schools where there's a divide like this and I hate it. I also think your note sounds fine - if people take your stuff it's fine to call them on it.

It's really unfair when the teachers take advantage and treat you like this. If it's also the case that they (or some of them) seem to think that they're superior to you then it's a really shitty attitude to have.

There's no need for the atmosphere to be like that.

One school I worked in, the Head of English (my subject) was married to the SENCO. No way would we have been able to get away with a crappy attitude to support staff. Not that I need an extra incentive, but we'd have clearly been told exactly how much shit the support staff put up with, and why they should be given all the respect they deserve, in and out of the classroom.

Thymeout · 09/01/2016 22:55

You can't have it both ways. Either you thought it was a mistake or deliberate.

If, as I strongly believe, it was a mistake, your note on the board would have been the first she'd heard of it. So your implying that the chocs were deliberately opened, knowing they were given to the Support Staff, would have been extremely insulting.

'Owning a mistake' when you've just been publicly accused of taking them in full knowledge they belonged to someone else is a bit much to ask. A more likely response was the one you got.

fastdaytears · 09/01/2016 22:57

And accused by half of the teaching staff not just one person saying in a tactful way that those chocolates weren't for everyone.

If a child had been given a petition signed by half the class saying they had done something "wrong" then they'd be pretty defensive and unlikely to own a mistake (this happened in my class in year 5 due to a missing unicorn pencil but I digress).

ChicChantal · 09/01/2016 22:58

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Regarding the note, I would probably have written one too. The person who opened the chocolates must have known perfectly well what she was doing unless she goes round opening presents for other people as a matter of course! What she's angry about is being picked up on it in front of her colleagues. Well, tough. You've got the moral high ground so I would just let it blow over now.

One thing I would say though is the headteacher shouldn't be treating you differently from the rest of the staff with regard to gifts, so I'd agree with the chocolate thief on that.

StealthPolarBear · 09/01/2016 23:04

Fast day tears the op did not know who had opened them? So how would you suggest she dealt wit it?

Narp · 09/01/2016 23:20

HowBad

sorry - i was being humorous! (failing, I see)

Sorry about your sinusitis - it's horrible isn't it?

fastdaytears · 09/01/2016 23:21

Stealth well she knew it was one of a group of people who were there. So she could have asked one of them.

Leelu6 · 09/01/2016 23:46

YANBU. Hopefully the note gave the teachers a short sharp jolt. You were perfectly reasonable to write it. The alternative would have been to speak to each teacher individually, which would have been shit.

It's not about the chocolates, is it? It's the entitled attitude.

Thymeout · 09/01/2016 23:53

How about this.

You come into the staffroom and say, 'Hey! Who nicked our chocs?'

Everyone looks round and someone says, 'Oh no! Were they yours? I'm so sorry.' And the next day, gives you a replacement box and you say, 'Oh you shouldn't have bothered...'

Making an issue about it on the board and implying it was deliberate escalates it to whole new level.

If you have an issue with 'the divide' - which I know does tend to arise through different interests, pay levels, work-loads - then take it up with your manager. She's right. Your overreaction hasn't helped.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/01/2016 23:58

I am glad I work in a place where all staff are part of a team! In our place everything gets put on a table and eaten by anyone especially the caretake who has been at the school forever and doesn't seem to do anything - but we all (staff and kids) couldn't be without him

Op you are right to be cross if for you but the note was a bit passive aggressive. It could have been a genuine mistake - your teacher probably feels like an arse and sees this as having developed in to a deeper them and us by the tone of the note. She was wrong to snap at you but is probably as frustrated as you with the situation and felt she could count on you to be on 'her side' iyswim.
Good luck with job hunting - sounds like a place you need to escape - not all staff are like this Thanks

Pigeonpost · 10/01/2016 00:20

The divide is not healthy but snotty notes on whiteboards won't make that gap smaller...

KoalaDownUnder · 10/01/2016 00:59

I think she got arsey because she was highly embarrassed. Because she knew she was in the wrong.

I don't believe for one second that she didn't read the envelope. She read it, and thought, oh well, any treats for the support staff are fair game.

She was rude, and she's lashing out in a misguided attempt to save face, because she knows it.

GruntledOne · 10/01/2016 01:14

I can't see what was so dreadful about the whiteboard note. I think there's a degree of MN bandwagon-jumping on this thread.

KakiFruit · 10/01/2016 01:27

I can't see what was so dreadful about the whiteboard note.

Nor can I, it's bizarre.

What was the OP supposed to do when she had no idea who had stolen the chocolates? Go to each and every teacher and ask them about it? Yeah, because singling individuals out would really have helped relationships more Hmm

knobblyknee · 10/01/2016 01:33

If I'd seen the note on the whiteboard I would have laughed, because I wouldnt have eaten the chocolates as they were clearly labelled for someone else.

YANBU IMO. I dont see how else you could have tackled this. The reaction you got from your colleague was hard faced and OTT.
If she had responded with an apology you both could have laughed it off.

amarmai · 10/01/2016 01:49

op, you did not start this nor did you make it worse.It's all down to the teacher you work with. The crumpled envelope says it all. IMO she read it , opened it, crumpled the envelope and opened the chocs and ate them in comfortable self entitlement. You outed her and she is mad, that's her problem. You did nothing wrong. The whiteboard was used for communications where something needed to be addressed but not sure who. If it's good advice to go above her , do so. If not you know what's best in your minefield. BTW i am a retired teacher and agree with your op 100%.Do not apologise as you did nothing wrong .