Was My Colleague Totally U? I think She was..

[CaptainCrunch]

Hi everyone,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am a Learning Assistant in a Primary School, we returned on Wednesday for an inservice day. There were 2 boxes of chocolates wrapped up on the staff room table with a card in a sealed envelope on top marked "To support staff".

We went off and did some training and came back for our break to see that the one of the boxes had been opened, almost completely finished and our card opened too, the envelope scrunched up beside it.

We were a bit annoyed as the teaching staff have form for horsing all the goodies before any support staff can get near it (they take their breaks before us).

With the agreement of my colleagues I wrote this note on the staff room whiteboard:

"Hi, just to say the chocs were specifically for support staff..we have no problem sharing them, but would have preferred to open the card and gift ourselves" and signed it from all the support staff.

The next day I walked into my class and a box of chocs was on my desk, turns out it was my class teacher who had opened them.

She was absolutely horrible to me and said "I'm really pissed off about that note, I've replaced the chocolates". This was in a very nasty, abrupt tone.

I said it wasn't about the chocolates it was because it was clearly marked to us and had been opened without our consent.

She then said "Well, I didn't read the envelope properly, I thought it said to ALL staff...there's a ridiculous divide between the support staff and teaching and shit like this doesn't help".

I was really stunned. We get on well together and I really admire her but I thought this was completely uncalled for.

She is correct in that there is a bit of a divide...mainly because a lot of the teaching staff treat us like second class citizens, some can barely bring themselves to say "good morning".

I'm not going to let it affect our professional relationship, but she's really gone down in my estimation and it's left a bad taste.

Am I being U to let this bug me so much?

[Narp]

Do you have regular meetings?

[Throwingshade]

I find pretty much all notes of complaint extremely annoying/prissy/arsey. I always feel the writer feels rather pleased with themselves.

You overreacted. Her reaction was because it was a genuine mistake and she doesn't want a divide between support staff and teachers - surely it is a good thing she feels like that.

Just let it go and accept things don't always go our way, sometimes people and situations annoy us but choose your battles. Especially when there is a political back story as in this case.

[Narp]

Teabags in sinks, not washing up - aaaargh!!!

[CaptainCrunch]

It just felt that it was OK for them to take our stuff and we've just to shut up and accept it.

Her remark that it pissed her off made me feel like a scolded kid, as if we've not to express any dissent at anything.

..taking it all too seriously...

[Narp]

Throwing

I think people who write notes often feel they can't assert themselves (whilst getting some satisfaction from the note itself)

[CaptainCrunch]

The communication in the school is dreadful. The headteacher is nice but very ineffectual, no one seems to know what anyone else is doing and morale is very low.

[Narp]

Well there you go

[Pumpkinpositive]

"Hi, just to say the chocs were specifically for support staff..we have no problem sharing them, but would have preferred to open the card and gift ourselves" and signed it from all the support staff.

Out of interest, did you okay it with the other support staff first before writing a note on their behalf?

I'm a bit meh about the note. It probably was OTT but I think I'd have grovelled if I were the teacher (even if inside I thought you were totally PA). Your bad luck that a) your class teacher was the culprit and b) that she's taken the hump.

Did she eat all the chocolates herself or share them with the teaching staff? It sounds from your post that she scoffed them all herself, in which case maybe she's horribly embarrassed at being publicly pulled up on her greed.

[CaptainCrunch]

To give an example of how we're kind of sidelined..there was a celebration about 3 months ago and we had sparkling (non alcoholic) wine in the staffroom and nibbles.

One of the teachers went round everyone's glass filling it up and completely walked past the 2 ladies that work in the office as if they were invisible.

Another teacher pointed this out to him and he grudgingly turned back and filled them up...this petty crap is becoming the norm there unfortunately.

[CaptainCrunch]

Read my OP Pumpkin..I stated "with the agreement of my colleagues", they were all happy with the wording and said they would stand by it.

[emotionsecho]

The teacher comes across as defensive and embarrassed and rightly so. I do think the 'them and us' divide needs to be addressed, would a meeting to air views and find a compromise help?

[Pumpkinpositive]

Read my OP Pumpkin..I stated "with the agreement of my colleagues", they were all happy with the wording and said they would stand by it.

I did read it. Just missed that bit.

[morningtoncrescent62]

I think notes on whiteboards are a symptom of a breakdown in goodwill rather than the cause.

This. If relationships were as they should be, you'd either have laughed the teachers' action off as a one-off mistake, or you'd have spoken with one or more of the them.

I think you've now got two options. You could simply do nothing. But if you don't intend to follow it up, then you would be unreasonable to let it rankle. Option two would be to have a chat with your CT about how to raise the teaching/support staff divide with management. Be prepared to apologise for the whiteboard note as well as letting her know just why the incident pissed you off so much - apologies are always helpful in fixing a relationship, she'll probably reciprocate with a genuine apology about the chocolates and you can take it from there. A situation in which one group of staff treats another as second-class citizens and barely says "hello" to them (which is one of the worst forms of passive agressive rudeness) isn't one I'd be prepared to tolerate long-term, and no doubt it makes things difficult and tense for everyone. But it's your choice whether you want to tackle it.

In answer to your original question, you're not U to be upset, but you should either put up and get over it, or do something about it. It would be unreasonable to continue to fume in silence.

[Asskicker]

Was the white board put there for people to moan on....or is that what's it's evolved into?

I can see why you felt like a scolded child. But tbh you are all being childish.

Leaving snarky notes about washing up etc isn't going help and only cause resentment.

If the HT is ineffectual, surely this is the least of the problems in the school.

Speak to your colleagues again. You may need to accept the note wasn't the best way of dealing with it. See if you can both move past it. If you can then I think you could work on this issue together.

It was fairly rude of the HT to buy gifts for one set of teachers and not others. No wonder people assumed they were for everyone.

[CaptainCrunch]

Thanks emotionsecho. I think something needs to be done.

I think the problem with my OP is that everyone is focusing on the note, not the fact that someone took other peoples stuff and gets arsey for being pulled up on it.

[Asskicker]

No I am focusing on the childish way the incident was dealt with by all.

The note and the reaction

[Narp]

exactly mornington

[Marshy]

How come you have separate chocolates? In our office anything brought in is open to all whatever their level of seniority and I don't think the boss (headteacher equivalent) would be giving out separate gifts to specific groups in the same office. Surely that just perpetuates the 'us and them'.

Your note was a bit twatty though. What's wrong with a conversation or bring it up in a staff meeting? Also, better to speak for yourself than everybody.....

[Oldraver]

Then tell her what you have said in your OP

[MidnightVelvetthe4th]

To the posters saying that all treats are for everyone & not just for certain sections of staff - but the OP has made it clear that the teachers take their breaks first & have form for hoovering up all the goodies before the support staff have access to them. Its not an equal divide of treats across all staff, the support staff are left with the crumbs from the rich mans table kind of thing...

[Stillunexpected]

Why would the Head give separate chocolates to the support staff? Surely they should have been to all staff - or if there were two boxes and s/he was determined to give separate gifts, then one box each with two cards?

I think this incident is indicative of a much bigger problem in the school, and the Head seems to be doing nothing to resolve it and is, in fact, probably making it worse with the separate gifts.

[decisionsdecisions123]

How horrible it must be to work in a school where there are such divisions of staff!

[Johnny5isAlive]

I think she was unreasonable op. I'd be totally apologetic if I were her rather than take that attitude

[Whataboutnodetox]

I have worked in an environment where I have been the unqualified assistant and then gone on to be qualified in the role I previously assisted in. I did the two roles in different places but that were linked to each other so had some staff over lap. Just to give some background to my opinion.

It is very hard being an assistant and also having an assistant and much of the issue comes down to management and politics. Some of the qualified staff resented havjng assistants as they didn't feel we were needed and that more qualified staff should have been employed. This attitude was fairly accepted and there was a them and us attitude. Our skills and abilities were belittled and acknowledgment of our role as separate and different to that of the qualified was not well made. When I was qualified I saw it from the other side. No one would have treated them as lesser or different in terms of respect or worth. The assistants had a senior assistant that managed them and they had pride in their role and respect for themselves and it. Gifts were given to all, nothing was beneath or above anyone. Management would have taken very seriously any undermining behaviour on either side.

Things have broken down and you need to find a way to deal with it. Some sort of forum to openly discuss it is always better than a note system as they can often be misconstrued. YABU to write a note like that instead of discussing it in a different way. She shouldn't have opened them but it's easy to make mistakes in that situation, at Christmas with so many things coming and going. I doubt they have thought about the sharing aspect of treats but I'm guessing there are many more of them than you so is the share left fair? If not and its adding to the divide id bring it up at a staff meeting.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

What did you expect when you wrote that note? Wasn't exactly going to foster good staff relations