Was My Colleague Totally U? I think She was..

[CaptainCrunch]

Hi everyone,

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am a Learning Assistant in a Primary School, we returned on Wednesday for an inservice day. There were 2 boxes of chocolates wrapped up on the staff room table with a card in a sealed envelope on top marked "To support staff".

We went off and did some training and came back for our break to see that the one of the boxes had been opened, almost completely finished and our card opened too, the envelope scrunched up beside it.

We were a bit annoyed as the teaching staff have form for horsing all the goodies before any support staff can get near it (they take their breaks before us).

With the agreement of my colleagues I wrote this note on the staff room whiteboard:

"Hi, just to say the chocs were specifically for support staff..we have no problem sharing them, but would have preferred to open the card and gift ourselves" and signed it from all the support staff.

The next day I walked into my class and a box of chocs was on my desk, turns out it was my class teacher who had opened them.

She was absolutely horrible to me and said "I'm really pissed off about that note, I've replaced the chocolates". This was in a very nasty, abrupt tone.

I said it wasn't about the chocolates it was because it was clearly marked to us and had been opened without our consent.

She then said "Well, I didn't read the envelope properly, I thought it said to ALL staff...there's a ridiculous divide between the support staff and teaching and shit like this doesn't help".

I was really stunned. We get on well together and I really admire her but I thought this was completely uncalled for.

She is correct in that there is a bit of a divide...mainly because a lot of the teaching staff treat us like second class citizens, some can barely bring themselves to say "good morning".

I'm not going to let it affect our professional relationship, but she's really gone down in my estimation and it's left a bad taste.

Am I being U to let this bug me so much?

Yeah, I'm with you, Kaki and Gruntled.

How about this. You come into the staffroom and say, 'Hey! Who nicked our chocs?'

She has said time and time again that they do not have breaks at the same time and there is therefore no opportunity to do this.

I cant see a problem with the note. The reason she got all shitty with you OP is because she knows shes in the wrong. Its basic manners. YANBU

Seems to me the problem is that "we get on well together and I really admire her." She does not sound like the sort of person who would deliberately ignore the fact the chocolates were for support staff just to show her sense of entitlement and how much she looked down on support staff! That she was extremely upset by the whiteboard message just goes to show that she is fed up with the atmosphere at the school, where messages are routinely left on the whiteboard accusing others of stealing teabags or not emptying the dishwasher or stealing chocolates and the last person she expected to join in on this was her own TA, with whom she thought she had a respectful relationship. Now she probably thinks she is seen as one of the enemy by her own TA and overreacted accordingly!

It's just a shame it was a nice teacher that did it and her own TA who wrote the note - she might even think the OP knew it was her and wrote the note to humiliate her. Plus, if she is generally respectful of the support staff, other teachers might have thought it was funny that she was the one who got the telling off and been joking about it...

If the teacher felt remorse or shame she would not have written the sarky, rude response note. She would have been upset and apologetic. I don't think she's as nice as the OP first thought. (Otherwise why take the chocs in the first place?!)

Why feel remorse and shame for a mistake? And she did not write a note...

What was the response note?

Personally, I would have written a note on the whiteboard asking why all communication in this school has to be done via notes on the whiteboard... That is the real problem here.

This kind of thing is the reason I often avoid the staff room at my school.

I would have been irritated if I had accidentally eaten the chocolates, only to be confronted with a note such as the one you describe: writing a note like that was confrontational and eliminated any possibility that the situation would be resolved easily and without rancor. If, however, you had casually mentioned that the treats were yours (in a non-combative tone), I would have replaced the chocolates and thought nothing of it. The note escalated this petty drama to a ridiculous level. Someone accidentally ate your candy. It isn't as if they stole your phone to sell on the black market.

There is also a divide between teachers and support staff at my school. It is kept alive mainly by the people who DON'T spend hours reading compositions each night. Priorities, you know.

Completely agree with koala
You did nothing wrong

Frankly, I don't give a toss about whether someone was in the right or wrong - how pathetically childish to dwell on that. Nobody was entirely one thing or the other and having to deal with situations like that via notes on a whiteboard is bloody silly. Someone needs to be brave enough to tell senior leaders that there is a huge problem with the systems of communication in the school - probably at their exit interview, if the school is that badly managed!

However polite, the note gave the strong impression that the writer believed the chocolates to have been opened by people who knew they were not for them and that it was not an honest mistake. That's the problem with notes on whiteboards - they can so easily come across as accusatory. Hopefully the OP didn't actually mean it to come across that way, although it seems to me, that interpretation is a fair reflection of what she actually thinks,which just shows what an appalling staff relations problem her school has!! Personally, I do find it offensive if people accuse me of having done something deliberately when that wasn't the case - it comes across as extremely petty. I don't need to be told that other people would be willing to share if I only asked them instead of stole from them!

Stolen...

The crumpled envelope says it all.

This. If you've got the time to open a card and then scrumple up the envelope, you've got the time to read the card properly. People notice what is important to them. The fact that she claims not to have noticed speaks volumes - it's not important to her to work out what does or doesn't belong to teaching staff, because her baseline assumption is "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine." If she respected people, and by extension their property, she would have taken the time to work out who the chocolates were meant for instead of just assuming it must be for teaching staff.

I think she reacted the way she did because she thinks of herself as one of the good guys and didn't realise that she's just part of the "them and us" culture that permeates the place. And really, taking stuff that isn't yours is basically theft. If you think "it's just chocolates" try taking them out of a supermarket without paying.

The whiteboard note just shows that support staff are effectively voiceless. No breaks with staff, excluded from staff meetings and taking breaks second so that you get leftovers, all adds up to not being listened to, included and respected. Talk to her OP - explain it's not just the blinking chocolates but all the other stuff. See if she can suggest solutions - after having had a row like that she'll probably appreciate you looking to her for ideas on how to make the situation easier for everyone. But keep job hunting, I have a feeling any fix will be temporary whilst your head is next to useless.

It is also control. The OP has stated that if the support staff had been allowed to open their own chocolates, they would have shared them with everyone. Obviously that is not a power dynamic the teaching staff can handle. The support staff cannot be allowed to own things and share them as that would empower them and make them equals. The teachers feel the staffroom and everything in it is theirs by right, even if subconsciously, hence the unpleasantness when she was pulled up. She knows what she did was wrong, but it doesn't feel wrong to her, as she doesn't view the support staff as equal. It is the disconnect made her lash out and sadly reflects the very real relationship issues in the school.

Separate chocolates for teachers and support staff does indicate a segregation problem, and not noticing what a headteacher's note says indicates a problem with the esteem in which the headteacher is held! I agree with Gabilan that this could be an opportunity to speak further with the teacher to see if her support can be garnered to actually challenge the culture. Also, support staff don't have to be that defenceless. Everyone wants to rush home at the end of their working day, particularly if low paid, but if a problem is big enough, it isn't impossible to get everyone to gather together to discuss it: where there is a will, there is a way. It just takes someone to be brave enough to set things in motion and organise it.

The silliest thing of all would be for the situation to end up having been about nothing but chocolates... which is what it is at the moment.

She's pissed off because she got pulled up on her behaviour.
However, she replaced the chocolates, so that's a bit of a win.
I agree that the Head probably shouldn't have done what she did, but she obviously knows that the support staff tend to miss out as the teachers snabble the best stuff first, given that they get to it first.
And frankly, her excuse of not reading the envelope properly is piss-poor!

I don't actually see what was wrong with the note on the white board - it wasn't rude, it was just pointing out that it would have been nice if the support staff had been allowed to choose whether or not to share their chocolates with the teaching staff, not had the decision taken out of their hands.

But other posters are right - this isn't going to help towards healing the obvious rift between teaching and support staff. :(

I'm really surprised by a lot of the comments on here.

So if the teacher had started this aibu:

'I was in the staff room and saw two wrapped boxes of chocolates with a note and a card attached. I opened the card, but didn't really read what it said, then I unwrapped one of the boxes and shared them out.

When I went back in the staff room, this note was waiting for me on the blackboard "Hi, just to say the chocs were specifically for support staff..we have no problem sharing them, but would have preferred to open the card and gift ourselves"

I was really annoyed, but I bought them another box of chocolates. When I saw my TA, I told her that I'd replaced the chocolates, but I was pissed off with her and shit like this doesn't help the divide between staff. Now I've found out that the TA is upset, WIBU to respond like this?'

Would people really respond that the person at fault here was the TA who left the message?

I find it quite bizarre as well fragola. Imagine if someone said "I went into a room, there was a present there, I unwrapped it. There was a card with it but I didn't really bother looking at it. Turned out it was chocolates so my friends and I ate them. Anyway, now this other person has pointed out that the present wasn't ours and has left us a note". In those circumstances, I doubt people would be focusing on the note.

Professional relationship?

You are not a professional.

I dont quite understand the responses either. If a teacher couldnt read "To support stuff" is she really someone you want teaching your kids?

That said, I suspect that she just didnt care who they were for and treated them as fair game.

OP was right to leave the note because how else can the support staff voice an opinion without children being around. They dont share breaks or are included in staff meetings so it's obvious that the teaching staff see the support staff as minions to do as what is ask without question and dont dare complain.

The teachers response was that of complete twat who didnt like being taken to task. The fact she replaced the chocolates only takes the sting of it.

Gosh, Goblin - could you be any more condescending?

If this were genuinely about the fact you wanted to opened the envelope / unwrap the chocs, then why didn't you do that when you first saw them in the morning ?

I've worked in several different places (including schools) over the years, and in every staff room I've been in, a box of chocs / biscuits / cakes loitering on the staffroom table has always been there for anyone who needs sugar to dip in to.

I think your note on the whiteboard is what has caused the issue here. However, the teacher was still kind enough to replace them, and then you are cross at that response!

Goblin do you mean that the OP here is not a professional because of her manner or that support staff are not classed as professionals?

"you are not a professional" how nasty. What I meant is I would be professional in my work and not let this affect it. FYI I have a degree in social work but chose a less demanding role with school holidays to fit in with my family life.