terrified of dog (bloody essay)

[normallylovesdogs]

I've NC'd for this, as it's such a difficult situation and I don't want me - or the dog to be identified. It's also a bit of an essay

A bit of background - I am on the autistic spectrum and struggle to know when I am right or wrong. I am thirty and have lived independently for ten years but I still speak to my mother about things which bother me - I think a lot of people do this?

I moved into a rented flat in August which I love, with a girl who seemed lovely. As time went on she was annoyed with me for small things - leaving lights on when I went out, etcetera, but she did these things herself and often left the heating on. I felt a bit like a second class flatmate even though we pay equal rent, but I liked her. She seemed nice and friendly, and had nice friends over. We would often eat together and split a bottle of wine.

She asked in December if I would mind her getting a dog - there was one she had seen in Dog Rescue Centre and liked. I like dogs, so I agreed. I have grown up with dogs, and my parents always had them. As a child I used to cycle for hours with our dogs running behind - they were collies, very bright, and we lived in the country so there were miles for them to run.

When I was home for Christmas my flatmate collected the dog. I was planning on having a new year party the day I arrived back, and my flatmate asked me to reschedule with four days notice as the dog is 'freaked out by new people.' I agreed to make dinner in the flat, then head out - until I found the pubs charged an entry. I then asked if we could have the party in my room, as I didn't want to let down friends who had based their plans round the party (It was on the cards for several months.) She said no, and I (on the advice of my mother) sent her a message saying I felt like a second class flatmate and detailing the things which upset me. As I'm not very brave I ended up apologising for this and taking it all back. To be honest, I am really scared of her and sending the message felt like a minion standing up to the emperor or something. I felt sick.

Anyway - New Year's Eve (We agreed on the meal in the flat then going to the pub - my boyfriend paid for people's tickets.) I got back late - transport chaos, all west coast services cancelled as far as Carlisle - with my boyfriend who met me at the station to help carry bags.

He walked into the kitchen to dump the bags and the dog freaked out, snarled and ran into the corridor. He is a tall man and he was carrying a heavy suitcase. The dog is fairly new, so I can see how the combination was frightening.

He and my flatmate then had a row as he had upset the dog. Things between them have never been good and he was resentful that I'd had to let my friends down, though I had explained why. I was shaking, so were we all. A lot of unpleasant things were said and the dog witnessed this (and it's owners reactions) and probably associated me with fear and conflict.

Later I went into my flatmates room where the dog was lying on her bed, and went to pet it. It growled and then bit me on the arm, not badly but broke the skin slightly. At the time I didn't think a lot of it. I was new to the dog and the dog was frightened. Also I was in his space. I should probably have had a shot or antibiotics, but I was OK and it has pretty much healed now.

Since then the dog has snarled at me in a quite threatening way quite a few times. It also growls or barks when I go near it. Apparently it was returned to the dogs home before for biting a child and I have a very child like voice, so that could perhaps be why? My flatmate thinks it associates me with Bad Energy from the first night and the row we had.

It is lovely with everyone else - I have seen it and it is fine. We have tried many things - my flatmate keeps encouraging me to pet it, take it off it's lead but it hates me touching it and it runs as far from me as it can. The other day my flatmate asked me to stroke it whilst it lay on her bed, and it snarled, then bit her as she was holding its mouth.

She constantly points out that he is fine with everyone else and I just need to 'break the ice.' Every attempt to break the ice goes wrong though.

The result is, I am terrified of it.

Things came to a head today, when I walked with my flatmate and the dog to her work - the plan being I was to walk it home and make friends with it. I was pretty scared, but agreed to do so, as I'm bad at saying no.

I originally said I was happy to help out with the dog - but this was before I knew it would behave like this. I didn't want to rescind this.

Anyway, in her work the dog was friendly to everyone except me. She gave me a biscuit to give it and it snarled and bared its teeth. I was meant to walk it home, but thankfully her boss witnessed it snarl at me and offered to let it stay there. I was terrified of getting it off the lead, as it hates me touching it.

She is furious with me, as I spoke to my mother about it last night and my mother is concerned about me and we argued. She said I tell everyone everything and I should be more tactical, she doesn't know whether she is living with a child or an adult.

I am upset as I feel she is attacking me because of her dog's behaviour. I speak to my parents about things which worry me - and perhaps I am more reliant on them than I should be, but I struggle to understand situations myself. Also, isn't it normal to tell your mother if you are afraid of something? Why ought I to hide it?

My flatmate started saying that there was no way the dog was going back to the dogs home, even though I didn't suggest that, and that I was endangering it and being irresponsible. She also said I was like a child.

I have a social worker who comes to see me every fortnight because of my autism and another disability, but I think I am quite independent. I have a part time job, several close friends and I cook, clean - have a normal social life.

I'm really upset and scared. I feel that my living space is being violated and I am being attacked for minding this. I am also naturally very passive and frightened and I tend to apologise for everything, which I am doing now, but I feel angry too - her dog is attacking me in my living space and I am made to feel it is my own fault.

She's like me to move out. I can't move in with my boyfriend as he is saving for a deposit, and living with family. I also really like this flat...but I am so unassertive and so scared

God...sorry for such an essay, I could do with a hand, a bit of support, telling what to do

I don't dislike the dog. I just fear him.

What a horrible situation.

Your flat mate is being a complete bellend by refusing to address her dog's problem, and by putting the blame on you. As a dog lover, it frustrates me that she's leaving its behaviour unaddressed, which could lead to somebody getting seriously hurt and the dog being put down.

She needs to pay for the services of a good behaviourologist to come in and suggest a solution, because by placing the dog's feelings above yours is basically telling the dog that it's above you in the pack.

I don't know how the argument went between your flat mate and your boyfriend - your friend should have been immediately apologetic and taken the dog out of the room. If your boyfriend immediately started shouting, it may be that the dog saw it as an attack on his owner and got defensive, but your flat mate should have de-escalated the situation calmly if that had been the case - shouting back just reinforces to the dog that there's a rivalry.

If your flat mate started shouting first, then she's a crazy bitch who shouldn't be in charge of a dog with behavioural issues - dogs should never be excused for showing aggression to humans, unless they're being severely provoked.

I'm also angry at the shelter - when we got our lad from the Dogs Trust, every member of the household had to have a supervised visit with him to make sure that he got on with everybody, and he had no prior history of aggression at all (quite the opposite) - it was just standard for all of their dogs (along with a home visit to check that the house and garden were suitable. They also don't rehome over Christmas, due to the fear of the dog ending up as a unwanted Xmas gift, and also because Christmas is usually massively disruptive, so not a great time to settle a dog in a new environment).

Metal, thank you. I did ask if she could collect the dog after new year as we had plans, but she said that was massively unfair on her and the shelter wouldn't hold him for that long.

The argument between my boyfriend and my flatmate did involve raised voices. Later she shut the dog in her room, but he still heard. They are very different people and there was a lot of tension there already. Do you think that by being angry with my boyfriend - she was angry first but he continued it, taking her bait and getting angry back - she demonstrated to the dog that it had cause to be afraid of us?

A few days ago when flatmate was insulting me, calling me a child because I have a social worker, I said I could move out and a mutual friend, who flatmate really likes and who is looking for a place, could move in. I was being all meek and trying to make peace - and she said nastily 'Oh no, I wouldn't want mutual friend to move in, I'd enjoy taking the time to find someone.'

I think this means that she'd expect me to pay rent in the mean time.

I feel terrible about this, as I do normally love dogs (hence usenrame for this) but I find it so horrible that this dog is scared of me and yet she wants to encourage contact - asking me to touch it to 'break the ice' when it is hiding from me, etc.

I don't want the dog taken from her. I would like it to learn how to behave, and not to see me told off everytime it growls at me. When it bit her she gave it a cuddle as it looked so sad. It only bit because she was holding its mouth closed so I could stroke it.

Ideally, I would move out and in with a friend in early feb (viewing flats next week) and flatmate would find someone she was happy with - which will be easy as it's a gorgeous flat with very reasonable rent - or pay the rent all on her own. I think she would like to make me continue to pay even though I am no longer living there while she auditions flatmates, perhaps living alone and making me pay for a month. As we have a lease she can technically do this. Especially as the landlord agreed to the dog.

I am going to the shelter tomorrow and will rescind some of the things my mother said - she was very harsh, but I will ask about appropriate after care - apparently they do have it, my flatmate just thought it wasn't necessary.

Less panicky now. She's at work. I took a sleeping pill last night and had a glass of red wine. Dry January be damned.

If someone could please tell me a solution as to how I can break the lease and not be stuck paying rent for a flat I will no longer be living in, then that would be great.

I am thinking practically now. I need to get out of this, but I know that she would make me pay rent while she interviewed potential flatmates, possibly not taking one on for ages, and living alone with the dog while she did so. It's horrible but that is the kind of person she is.

I like our landlady a lot. She is a kind, warm person who has a lovely friendly dog herself, hence agreeing to the dog. I don't want her elderly father, who owns the flat, to go short. The rent is his pension as it were. I just cannot afford to pay two lots of rent at once, and I can't stay here in this poisonous situation.

I begged the mental health crisis centre to let me stay the night as I felt so unsafe, but they sent me home saying they are 'not a service for people who are scared of dogs.' I don't know what to do.

Could one solution be you

Hand in notice
Manage it so when your month elapses you move into other place

Then you need to get some help to write to her with instruction to keep that dog the fuck away from you .
Do not appease her and be firm , and legal (this is where you might need help ) - draft a very formal legal letter invoking the dangerous dogs acts and the punishment she (and dog) will get if anything happens to you
Good luck and one this this will be a distant and shit memory xxx

I would give her a month notice and say if she doesn't take proper precautions to stop the dog biting you in this time then you'll phone the police and say you want the dog put down as it bites people. Move out next month but protect yourself this month by telling her the above (doesn't mean you need to do it but she needs to believe you'll mean it).
Spend as much time as you can out of the house this month for your own peace of mind but don't feel pushed out. She's a cow and shes taking advantage of your good nature. Start being tough even if it's acting.

Just had this text exchange with her. Feeling winded. Maybe she has a point. I have no idea

HER 'Hey Hope. So What is your plan? Its obviously turned into a very awkward situation. Are you planning to move? Not sure if talking again would make much difference. we do things very differently and a lot of people have got involved on your side. plus now you hide in your room..I really don't want to live with someone like that. Let me know your plans because this aint very good..

ME I agree, it's horrible and I don't want to live in fear. I do feel it's grossly unfair that I should move out of a flat which I love because your dog has been aggressive to me. It's an untenable situation. What do you suggest?

HER 'I'm sorry Hope, you and only you have created this situation. This has nothing to do with the dog. This has to do with you and me. I have not done anything that should make you live in fear. I have been nothing but nice to you until you had a go at me and made me feel like a bad person. I would say that is grossly unfair. You have chosen to be the victim in a self created situation and involving your mother and god knows who else. I feel horribly back stabbed and we should talk, sooner rather than later.'

ME 'I disagree completely with that. Maybe we should do this in person, or we could find a neutral mediator who we both trust.'

HER ''we'll talk and I don't want another person there thanks, but you have really shown your true colours'

From her side things will look totally different

She's being a dickhead.

Take another person with you.

I would text her back. Are you denying the dog bit me and growls at me regularly? How is this MY fault? Consider this my month notice. If the dog even comes near me in this month then I will phone the police to get it put down. My safety is more important than a dog which a friend would understand.

What a difficult situation. I do think your best option is to move out, though it is galling that you have been put into this position. Her texts sound delusional. Is she denying that her dog has behaved aggressively? I would remind her of those occasions and reiterate that the situation is untenable for you.

I would also ask your mother to take a step back. It is not her responsibility to insert herself into the situation. Of course her emotional support is important to you. But she certainly should not be emailing the shelter, especially as she has evidently misrepresented the situation. I would be quite angry with her about that!

I hope you reach a workable solution.

Dot, thank you. I am shaken and I am also upset because I liked her a lot prior to all this. Do you think that if I go to the dog's home and rescind the harsher parts of my mother's message they won't action it? I can see why I can come across as backstabbing, maybe, by telling my mother my concerns and not expressing them as articulately as I should to her, but I do it because we - my mother and I - are close.

I think moving out is all I can do. I have lovely landlords, and we didn't even put a proper deposit on this flat so I will have to borrow the deposit from my boyfriend. I don't know if I can live like this for a full month though, I really don't.

I'm so bloody anxious and scared and it's really really horrible

Do not go to the dog shelter to take back the comments your mother made. The dog is a bloody danger. He might only be aggressive to you at the moment but of course it will find someone else who it has an issue with. Do not say she exaggerated. The dog is dangerous.

I don't think you should be wasting any time or energy on doing anything about the dog. Or the flat mate.

Concentrate on finding somewhere new to live asap OP. And in the meantime if you feel safer and more comfortable eating in your room ect, do it.

Not everything in life is 'fair', and sometimes it really is a waste of precious time and energy trying to change a situation when it's easier to
walk away.

It's just a rented flat. You will find somewhere else. Just as nice or maybe even better. She's just a flat mate. You will find another. Almost certainly better! :)

Re: paying two lots of rent. No way. No need. When the time comes give your notice and off you go. Look after no.1 - YOU.

Let's get this straight. She's fuming because her dog bit you? There's nothing to sort out. It's you or the dog. And if she does find someone to flat share; chances are, she'll have the same problem. Good luck to her

OP, several years ago I was in a similar situation to you (not regarding a dog), in having to live with an increasingly hostile situation with a flat mate I had previously been very good friends with. We had lived together for 4 years, but for the whole of the last year he began to act in a very strange, almost jealous way (we were not in a relationship) because I had made some new friends. His behaviour towards me became more and more bizarre, to the point where he stopped talking to me unless it was to say something in an aggressive tone. I was very worried and used to find excuses not to go home until late or to stay with friends. I knew I couldn't go on with that level of anxiety so I made plans to move out. Like you, I had a nice landlord and rang him and explained the situation. He was very understanding and had no problem with me not giving much notice,

You sound like a nice person who thinks of others, but really for your own piece of mind, you have to put yourself first here and not worry about letting your landlord down. If necessary, you could ask your Social worker to write a letter stating that it would not be good for your anxiety levels for you to continue living there.

I felt so relieved when I moved out. Being on edge all the time is no way to live.

I am furious that you are going to have to leave a lovely flat because of her.

I would do anything possible to avoid that.

Speak to the landlord and tell her about the dog and that it's bitten you, you are scared of it and now your flatmate wants you to leave.

Speak to the rescue people but be absolutely honest - never mind, "Oh it's a lovely dog" - it's bitten you and you, who are used to dogs, are scared by it and for good reason.

I would be terrified in your position and think your flatmate is just bullying you out of the place. She has no right to do that.

"Do you think that by being angry with my boyfriend - she was angry first but he continued it, taking her bait and getting angry back - she demonstrated to the dog that it had cause to be afraid of us?"

Absolutely - dogs pick up on tension, and on cues from their owners. It's why when I'm walking my dog, I'm always aware of my body language and how I'm leading him - for example, if I kept on tensing every time I saw an Alsatian, he'd pick up on that and potentially start seeing Alsatian as a threat to be feared.

If your mother hasn't said anything that's not true to the shelter, I'd recommend recinding nothing! Dogs with behavioural issues need strong ownership to be rehabilitated (or at least kept safely under control), and it sadly seems as if your flat mate is woefully unprepared to provide this. If she's unwilling to even admit there's a problem with her dog's behaviour, then she's unsuited to dog ownership.

I think everybody is clear on this - it's not unreasonable to be afraid of an aggressive dog, and she's being unfair in not realising how stressful (not to mention potentially dangerous) it is to you!

Honestly, this is not your fault or your problem.
You contact landlord & say you can no longer live with flat mate & her aggressive dog & give a months notice.
That's it, that's all you have to do & look for somewhere else.

I think you should contact your landlady, tell her what you have written here and ask her to come to the flat to see the dog and its behaviour to you. Maybe she will suggest a solution (I would be very surprised if she will want an aggressive dog continuing to live in her property).

Forget about showing that she is wrong, and that you are right. Instead figure out what you want to do.

You do not want to live with her. She does not want to live with you. So one of you needs to move out. Find out exactly where you stand with rent - if you give notice now, then how long must you pay rent for? Figure out the details, then tell your flatmate what you are going to do. Don't ask her. Don't negotiate. Tell her. Then she knows where she stands, and you know where you're at.

She's alarmed at the idea of another person being there when you talk. This is because she won't be able to intimidate you in front of a witness. And she is intimidating you.

Can you find somewhere to stay during the notice period? Have you got somewhere secure to leave your stuff safe if you can't take it with you straight away.

When you do move it make sure you have at least one other person with you.

I don't understand why YOU have to move out. Tell her to go!

Reading that text message exchange between the two of you, OP, I'm struck by how harsh she is capable of being when things haven't gone her way. She is being a bit of a bully when she tries to say that you'll work with no one else there. You have the power to say, 'No thanks actually, I prefer to talk in the presence of a mediator, I hope you agree to participate but it's entirely up to you.'

She is also being a bully in dodging all accountability for having created this situation by pretending that you have created it. Don't fall for that for one second. It's a tactic and nothing more.

Selfish people and bullies don't like it when someone they hadn't seen as a threat suddenly shows themselves capable of mobilising support. She feeds overexposed and slightly threatened by how many others are watching her behaviour around this issue. She will try to make out that you are weak to choose to have people supporting you, the kind of person who would tell tales and hide in their room. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Playground bullying tactics. They

The flat does not belong to either of you and the person who won't be able to walk away at the end of all this is the owner of the flat if the dog does damage. He or she deserves to know and have a voice in the debate.