terrified of dog (bloody essay)

[normallylovesdogs]

I've NC'd for this, as it's such a difficult situation and I don't want me - or the dog to be identified. It's also a bit of an essay

A bit of background - I am on the autistic spectrum and struggle to know when I am right or wrong. I am thirty and have lived independently for ten years but I still speak to my mother about things which bother me - I think a lot of people do this?

I moved into a rented flat in August which I love, with a girl who seemed lovely. As time went on she was annoyed with me for small things - leaving lights on when I went out, etcetera, but she did these things herself and often left the heating on. I felt a bit like a second class flatmate even though we pay equal rent, but I liked her. She seemed nice and friendly, and had nice friends over. We would often eat together and split a bottle of wine.

She asked in December if I would mind her getting a dog - there was one she had seen in Dog Rescue Centre and liked. I like dogs, so I agreed. I have grown up with dogs, and my parents always had them. As a child I used to cycle for hours with our dogs running behind - they were collies, very bright, and we lived in the country so there were miles for them to run.

When I was home for Christmas my flatmate collected the dog. I was planning on having a new year party the day I arrived back, and my flatmate asked me to reschedule with four days notice as the dog is 'freaked out by new people.' I agreed to make dinner in the flat, then head out - until I found the pubs charged an entry. I then asked if we could have the party in my room, as I didn't want to let down friends who had based their plans round the party (It was on the cards for several months.) She said no, and I (on the advice of my mother) sent her a message saying I felt like a second class flatmate and detailing the things which upset me. As I'm not very brave I ended up apologising for this and taking it all back. To be honest, I am really scared of her and sending the message felt like a minion standing up to the emperor or something. I felt sick.

Anyway - New Year's Eve (We agreed on the meal in the flat then going to the pub - my boyfriend paid for people's tickets.) I got back late - transport chaos, all west coast services cancelled as far as Carlisle - with my boyfriend who met me at the station to help carry bags.

He walked into the kitchen to dump the bags and the dog freaked out, snarled and ran into the corridor. He is a tall man and he was carrying a heavy suitcase. The dog is fairly new, so I can see how the combination was frightening.

He and my flatmate then had a row as he had upset the dog. Things between them have never been good and he was resentful that I'd had to let my friends down, though I had explained why. I was shaking, so were we all. A lot of unpleasant things were said and the dog witnessed this (and it's owners reactions) and probably associated me with fear and conflict.

Later I went into my flatmates room where the dog was lying on her bed, and went to pet it. It growled and then bit me on the arm, not badly but broke the skin slightly. At the time I didn't think a lot of it. I was new to the dog and the dog was frightened. Also I was in his space. I should probably have had a shot or antibiotics, but I was OK and it has pretty much healed now.

Since then the dog has snarled at me in a quite threatening way quite a few times. It also growls or barks when I go near it. Apparently it was returned to the dogs home before for biting a child and I have a very child like voice, so that could perhaps be why? My flatmate thinks it associates me with Bad Energy from the first night and the row we had.

It is lovely with everyone else - I have seen it and it is fine. We have tried many things - my flatmate keeps encouraging me to pet it, take it off it's lead but it hates me touching it and it runs as far from me as it can. The other day my flatmate asked me to stroke it whilst it lay on her bed, and it snarled, then bit her as she was holding its mouth.

She constantly points out that he is fine with everyone else and I just need to 'break the ice.' Every attempt to break the ice goes wrong though.

The result is, I am terrified of it.

Things came to a head today, when I walked with my flatmate and the dog to her work - the plan being I was to walk it home and make friends with it. I was pretty scared, but agreed to do so, as I'm bad at saying no.

I originally said I was happy to help out with the dog - but this was before I knew it would behave like this. I didn't want to rescind this.

Anyway, in her work the dog was friendly to everyone except me. She gave me a biscuit to give it and it snarled and bared its teeth. I was meant to walk it home, but thankfully her boss witnessed it snarl at me and offered to let it stay there. I was terrified of getting it off the lead, as it hates me touching it.

She is furious with me, as I spoke to my mother about it last night and my mother is concerned about me and we argued. She said I tell everyone everything and I should be more tactical, she doesn't know whether she is living with a child or an adult.

I am upset as I feel she is attacking me because of her dog's behaviour. I speak to my parents about things which worry me - and perhaps I am more reliant on them than I should be, but I struggle to understand situations myself. Also, isn't it normal to tell your mother if you are afraid of something? Why ought I to hide it?

My flatmate started saying that there was no way the dog was going back to the dogs home, even though I didn't suggest that, and that I was endangering it and being irresponsible. She also said I was like a child.

I have a social worker who comes to see me every fortnight because of my autism and another disability, but I think I am quite independent. I have a part time job, several close friends and I cook, clean - have a normal social life.

I'm really upset and scared. I feel that my living space is being violated and I am being attacked for minding this. I am also naturally very passive and frightened and I tend to apologise for everything, which I am doing now, but I feel angry too - her dog is attacking me in my living space and I am made to feel it is my own fault.

She's like me to move out. I can't move in with my boyfriend as he is saving for a deposit, and living with family. I also really like this flat...but I am so unassertive and so scared

God...sorry for such an essay, I could do with a hand, a bit of support, telling what to do

I don't dislike the dog. I just fear him.

"it would lead to horrible consequences, and I don't want the animal destroyed."

Someone else may be able to confirm or refute this, but I'm not sure that the authorities can order a dog to be destroyed for biting if it is in its own home. I think that only applies to attacks in public. Not that you want the dog to bite you or anyone else, at home or anywhere else, obviously, but I think that's how the law stands.

Liz, thank you so much for your suggestions. If we reach the level where we can talk sensibly about this without it being about my misdemeanours and 'bad energy' then I will definitely make those suggestions. I don't think she would agree to a crate or a muzzle as she hates the idea of the dog being uncomfortable, but perhaps the other suggestions.

I hate having to feel I am courting it, etc, it's a horrible feeling, and yes I do currently feel lower than the dog.

Please keep up the suggestions on how I can stand up to her, I am easily intimidated and this is terrifying to me - the whole situation

It's not good for you to live with her. And it's good that you and your mum have such a close relationship, and totally normal to tell her your fears and problems.

You need to find somewhere else to live, and then in a calmer home you can work on your assertiveness, as it's too hard to do this when you have a bully breathing down your neck.

The dog is scared of you, it's fixable if you want to, but, your flat mate is an arse, that isn't.

Nobody, ever, should feel terrified in their own home. Either of a flatmate or a dog, and you have both.

I think you will eventually have to move. She is bullying you. I don't think it is a healthy environment for you to stay in long term.

Op, can you have the conversation with your social worker there? Just as an observer.

Or can you practice it with your social worker? You don't need to go into all the details.

On assertiveness, the classic advice is to repeat what you are saying. So,

Things aren't working out. It's not good for you, me or the dog.One of us needs to find somewhere else to live. who is it to be, you or me?

Then when she goes on about you needing to change etc, you say,

I understand that, from your point of view, but from mine, things aren't working out... Repeat...

If it gets really angsty you you can say " it's a shame, I wish it had," after "the dog" , but under no circumstances do you say sorry, which imputes blame to you.

And critically you do not get drawn into any other bit of discussion. Let the spectrum protect you!

You could also print off selected advice from here on retraing the dog.

thank you all, I'm going to run a bath and then pack some things and stay for a few nights at my boyfriends (can't really stay longer as he lives with his very elderly parents - he was a late child so they are v.old and his mum is very disabled with autoimmune arthritis - but they are kind and they like me)

I am very aware that I am going to get a telling off when I next see her. She is very used to me being subdued, and every time anyone disagrees with her it makes her very angry and she says they are offensive/disrespectful. Please keep giving me strength to talk to her,

Tabulah - I'd love for the dog to not be scared of me, that would be wonderful!

If you want to stay, instead of the moving out, you say,

something has to be done. For everyone's sakes we need to retrain and help the dog. I have got advice here from dog people ( not my family). I'm prepared to give it a go, are you? If not, one if us needs to move. It's not fair to us or the dog.

Great, give yourself breathing space. And practice with him. Could he sit in and indeed help you?

"your flat mate is an arse, that isn't."

Yep - I'm afraid it looks like your flatmate is going to be the major obstacle here, OP.

Crates don't make a dog uncomfortable - with a thick mattress, soft bedding, toys etc, they become a cosy refuge - my dog sleeps happily in his every night. The time out in them is a cooling down after bad behaviour - they may not like it, but it's not cruel, or aggressive; you're not hitting the dog or anything violent like that. Same as a child may get time out for unwanted behaviour. But I understand that persuading your flatmate of that, and everything else, is going to be a challenge. Don't let her bully you anymore.

Please please please please please OP, whatever you do about your flatmate, don't follow Liz's advice re the dog...it's well-meaning but based on dominance techniques which are outdated, discredited and can cause the behaviour to escalate. I would hate to read a follow-up post reporting that you'd tried it and been badly bitten. You (generic you) should never punish a dog for growling; growling is not aggression, it is the dog's way of saying "I feel very uncomfortable here". With some/many dogs, if you punish the growl all it will teach them is not to growl and instead go straight to the next phase, which is biting.

That's not to say I think it's acceptable you should have to live with this dog when it's making you uncomfortable and afraid in your own home or that I want to derail this post with dog training techniques, but it is an important point as the consequences of getting it wrong could be nasty. Ultimately, the whole dog problem is a symptom of a wider issue with your flatmate's treatment of you, and it's her that's the real problem here.

OP, you poor thing. You are totally in the right.

I know this won't be easy but you need to move out. Even if the dog issue is sorted (unlikely), your flatmate has demonstrated that she doesn't respect or care about you. It is not your fault - she sounds totally unreasonable and selfish. But it is not good for you to be sharing a flat with someone like her.

Talk to your mum and your SW and ask them to support you with finding a new flat.

To be clear, crate training is fine but not the techniques re punishing growling or withholding food.

That is more about visitors than a household member, but the general principles are the same...

Be non threatening (which includes being friendly when a dog is already unhappy with you) - so ignore the dog, don't look at it, don't speak to it...if you inadvertently do anything that freaks it out and it gives off any calming or back the hell off signals, move away.

Be calm and predictable.

When it's accepting of you being in a room, reward that...without approaching, lol, so throwing a treat about a foot away from the dog.

Sitting in the same room reading or watching TV is ideal for that, just spend time doing nothing and rewarding the dog for being ok with that.

Gradually the dog should get used to you and eventually even associate you with all the positive things you're giving it.

If after a couple of weeks it's no different at all (it may take longer than that to make huge differences) you'd want professional help.

But it's kind of all irrelevant if you're flat mate doesn't change anyway, as you shouldn't have to live with someone who treats you like that, the dog is acting purely out of instinct and doesn't know any better, your flat mate should.

OP I have autism too. I did an assertiveness course to help me with situations like this. I learnt that you need to know what outcome you want and stick to it like Themodernuriahheep said. Don't get drawn into arguing or sidelined by other stuff. Disengage from what she's saying and use the time she's ranting at you to breathe and compose yourself. Don't say anything in response to what she's saying as she's saying it, wait until she's burnt herself out and then respond.

So ...

Her: We need to talk, it's your fault my dog's dangerous blah, blah, blah, blah etc, etc, etc (until she runs out of steam).

You: I can't live with your aggressive dog. You need to make other arrangements by the end of xxxx. If not I'll have to take it further/inform the landlord/dog warden.

Her: It's all your fault, you're a child, rant rant rant until she runs out of steam.

You: I can't live with your aggressive dog. You need to make other arrangements by the end of xxxx. If not I'll have to take it further/inform the landlord/dog warden.

Repeat until she gives up.

One person disagreeing with another is NOT being "disrespectful" or "offensive". If anyone thinks that, they have issues.

You pay rent to live in this flat, and you have EVERY right to live in YOUR home without fear and discomfort. You cannot do so in the present circumstances, and won't be able to until your flatmate's dog is either retrained, or rehomed. Your flatmate needs to accept this - no ifs, no buts - if you're all to continue to share a home.
Also agree about the dog's fear - animal's can't "hate" but they can fear, which often translates into aggression - which is why you need to be consistently firm but calm and fair with it.

Your flatmate sounds like she is projecting her own faults on to you. She calls you childish, disrespectful and offensive, but her actions fit those descriptions. She is saying more about herself than about you when she calls you names.
I feel for you, and hope you can find a different place to live.
I also feel sorry for the dog as it plainly needs a more experienced owner to sort out its many issues. I'd be interested to know which dog rescue rehomed this dog to your flatmate, if you felt able to say.
And I am 51, still tell my mum things, you're not alone there!

Yup, hedgehog is absolutely tight.

Can your social worker arrange a course for you?

it may sound childish but i find the short answer U2 very useful as i am not good at thinking on the spot. So when i get an unreasonable bunch of words thrown at me U2 makes me feel better and throws off the aggressor .

her dog has bitten you. Tell her to rehome it or youll report it

Thank you all again

Hedgehog, that's wonderful. I'll try to remember that.

A new dilemma is, do I leave her a note stating I will be gone for a few days, just so she knows I'm OK?

The problem is U2 adds fuel to the fire and can divert off track and the unassertive respondent gets confused...

If you say " I understand where you are coming from" it doesn't invalidate her PoV, but when you add " from my PoV it's not working. " it's harder to dispute. Doesn't mean she won't rant, just that there is a line drawn in the sand and ultimately she needs to address it.

I've used this not only with contractors but my MIL. Worked a treat.

You can also soften your repeated response by starting it with phrases such as:

• I see what you're saying however ...

• I understand that but ...

• I get that this makes things difficult for you however ...

etc. This gives the impression that you're listening to what she's saying but sticking to your guns (even though the reality is you're tuning her out like I do with my toddler).

I'm horrified that this dog was rehomed to your flat mate.

The dog has likely been through trauma given its behaviour, and it should only have been rehomed to an experienced handler in a secure environment that can be controlled.

It was obviously overwhelming for the dog to meet you and your bf and it clearly doesn't feel secure in your home - as a result neither can you.

Personally I would report to the organisation the dog came from, your flat mate is irresponsible. I think inevitably you're going to have to move out.