terrified of dog (bloody essay)

[normallylovesdogs]

I've NC'd for this, as it's such a difficult situation and I don't want me - or the dog to be identified. It's also a bit of an essay

A bit of background - I am on the autistic spectrum and struggle to know when I am right or wrong. I am thirty and have lived independently for ten years but I still speak to my mother about things which bother me - I think a lot of people do this?

I moved into a rented flat in August which I love, with a girl who seemed lovely. As time went on she was annoyed with me for small things - leaving lights on when I went out, etcetera, but she did these things herself and often left the heating on. I felt a bit like a second class flatmate even though we pay equal rent, but I liked her. She seemed nice and friendly, and had nice friends over. We would often eat together and split a bottle of wine.

She asked in December if I would mind her getting a dog - there was one she had seen in Dog Rescue Centre and liked. I like dogs, so I agreed. I have grown up with dogs, and my parents always had them. As a child I used to cycle for hours with our dogs running behind - they were collies, very bright, and we lived in the country so there were miles for them to run.

When I was home for Christmas my flatmate collected the dog. I was planning on having a new year party the day I arrived back, and my flatmate asked me to reschedule with four days notice as the dog is 'freaked out by new people.' I agreed to make dinner in the flat, then head out - until I found the pubs charged an entry. I then asked if we could have the party in my room, as I didn't want to let down friends who had based their plans round the party (It was on the cards for several months.) She said no, and I (on the advice of my mother) sent her a message saying I felt like a second class flatmate and detailing the things which upset me. As I'm not very brave I ended up apologising for this and taking it all back. To be honest, I am really scared of her and sending the message felt like a minion standing up to the emperor or something. I felt sick.

Anyway - New Year's Eve (We agreed on the meal in the flat then going to the pub - my boyfriend paid for people's tickets.) I got back late - transport chaos, all west coast services cancelled as far as Carlisle - with my boyfriend who met me at the station to help carry bags.

He walked into the kitchen to dump the bags and the dog freaked out, snarled and ran into the corridor. He is a tall man and he was carrying a heavy suitcase. The dog is fairly new, so I can see how the combination was frightening.

He and my flatmate then had a row as he had upset the dog. Things between them have never been good and he was resentful that I'd had to let my friends down, though I had explained why. I was shaking, so were we all. A lot of unpleasant things were said and the dog witnessed this (and it's owners reactions) and probably associated me with fear and conflict.

Later I went into my flatmates room where the dog was lying on her bed, and went to pet it. It growled and then bit me on the arm, not badly but broke the skin slightly. At the time I didn't think a lot of it. I was new to the dog and the dog was frightened. Also I was in his space. I should probably have had a shot or antibiotics, but I was OK and it has pretty much healed now.

Since then the dog has snarled at me in a quite threatening way quite a few times. It also growls or barks when I go near it. Apparently it was returned to the dogs home before for biting a child and I have a very child like voice, so that could perhaps be why? My flatmate thinks it associates me with Bad Energy from the first night and the row we had.

It is lovely with everyone else - I have seen it and it is fine. We have tried many things - my flatmate keeps encouraging me to pet it, take it off it's lead but it hates me touching it and it runs as far from me as it can. The other day my flatmate asked me to stroke it whilst it lay on her bed, and it snarled, then bit her as she was holding its mouth.

She constantly points out that he is fine with everyone else and I just need to 'break the ice.' Every attempt to break the ice goes wrong though.

The result is, I am terrified of it.

Things came to a head today, when I walked with my flatmate and the dog to her work - the plan being I was to walk it home and make friends with it. I was pretty scared, but agreed to do so, as I'm bad at saying no.

I originally said I was happy to help out with the dog - but this was before I knew it would behave like this. I didn't want to rescind this.

Anyway, in her work the dog was friendly to everyone except me. She gave me a biscuit to give it and it snarled and bared its teeth. I was meant to walk it home, but thankfully her boss witnessed it snarl at me and offered to let it stay there. I was terrified of getting it off the lead, as it hates me touching it.

She is furious with me, as I spoke to my mother about it last night and my mother is concerned about me and we argued. She said I tell everyone everything and I should be more tactical, she doesn't know whether she is living with a child or an adult.

I am upset as I feel she is attacking me because of her dog's behaviour. I speak to my parents about things which worry me - and perhaps I am more reliant on them than I should be, but I struggle to understand situations myself. Also, isn't it normal to tell your mother if you are afraid of something? Why ought I to hide it?

My flatmate started saying that there was no way the dog was going back to the dogs home, even though I didn't suggest that, and that I was endangering it and being irresponsible. She also said I was like a child.

I have a social worker who comes to see me every fortnight because of my autism and another disability, but I think I am quite independent. I have a part time job, several close friends and I cook, clean - have a normal social life.

I'm really upset and scared. I feel that my living space is being violated and I am being attacked for minding this. I am also naturally very passive and frightened and I tend to apologise for everything, which I am doing now, but I feel angry too - her dog is attacking me in my living space and I am made to feel it is my own fault.

She's like me to move out. I can't move in with my boyfriend as he is saving for a deposit, and living with family. I also really like this flat...but I am so unassertive and so scared

God...sorry for such an essay, I could do with a hand, a bit of support, telling what to do

I don't dislike the dog. I just fear him.

OP have you spoken to your social worker about applying for council housing? If you were my DD that's what I'd be steering you towards.

thank you - yes, I found it strange she thought the sw was about her when she knows I have autism and another condition. Maybe I've painted her as a total villain unjustly - we got on well together until all of this.

I am actually going to a local mental health placey for some advice and support - called up and made an apoointment and they can see me tonight.

Sadly I can't go to my parents without having time off my part time job, which I don't want. My colleagues are lovely people, and I spoke to two of them about this and they are being lovely.

I have a friend who is flathunting and she says we can view places together. Another friend offered to drive up from a neighbouring town and get me - but again, time off work

So it's not like I have no support network. I'm just so full of self doubt. Apparently there was a Yeats quote about that...

hedgehog - I did, yes, a while ago and we made an appointment with the housing people but the thing is for most people it is covered by HB, but as I work it would be more expensive for me than 'normal' housing.

I'm going to look with my friend, and I will try not to be passive with her.

the flatmate has tried to make fun of your talking to your mother and now she seems to be objecting to your sw. This seems like isolating you from your support system. On top of blaming you for the aggressive behaviour of a dog that shd not have been rehomed. All adds up to stay clear of this woman. If it was a man mn wd say s/he is abusive.

I am now back in the flat. Flatmate, a friend and the dog are in the kitchen. I am scared to go through and get dinner.

Literally lying on my bed crying and shaking. This is ridiculous.

Tell her she needs to put the dog on a lead so you can get your dinner!

In the short term to try and make things better with the dog get a sandwich bag full of "high value" treats such as tiny cubes of cheese. As you come into the room speak softly and toss some cubes of cheese towards the dog. Keep offering treats. As you leave the room toss treats towards the dog.

I had a dog that hated my Dh and this is what the behaviourist told my Dh he had to to.

How are you doing? Have you been into the kitchen? We're all behind you - you've had great support on this thread.

You're good at many things... but perhaps reading other people is not one of them. Despite that you have surrounded yourself with people you know you can trust - your mother, your friends, also your SW.
You do not need to stay in this flat with the dog (who you cannot trust, because it is afraid/aggressive) and the flatmate (who does not sound kind nor trustworthy).
You can TELL your flatmate (not ask her - tell her) that you will not continue to live with the dog in the current situation. Or perhaps you would CHOOSE to agree that the dog can stay ONLY if flatmate walk it for an hour morning and evening, AND it stays only in her room, and is excluded from all communal areas. This is your choice, and is under your control.
If you cannot stomach that conversation alone, then ask SW or a friend to sit in on the conversation.

It is not childish to be self-aware. Nor is it childish to surround yourself with people who you trust and who love you.

You do NOT have to live like this. Your flatmate is being unkind to make you feel you should.

Thank you Silver and Saz

I'm such a fucking coward. I hate myself.

I heard her friend go and she got into the bath so I went through to cook. I then heard her get out of the bath, and waited until she took the dog out to take my meal through to my room.

(The dog lay in the corner growling while I cooked.)

When she came in I was in my room, and she shouted 'Are you hiding?'

I stupidly, ridiculously, because it's my default setting said 'Yes, because I was scared you'd be angry with me.'

There was part of me that wanted her to say 'of course not,' or something but instead she said

'Yes, and So?' then

'I'm going to bed now, I'm tired.'

I've just given her ammunition haven't I?

The dog is not hostile with you because of 'bad energy' or even because your flatmate is hostile to you. It's because the dog is damaged and not in a secure environment appropriate to its needs. A flat with random people coming in and out is not good. Rescue animals can take a long time to settle in and need to be protected until they feel secure. It's growling because it's scared.

If the dog ever attacks you or anyone else it will be destroyed, so you would be doing the dog a favour by notifying the shelter.

Thing is, it isn't scared of anyone except me - maybe my pitch?

I mean, of my voice.

My mother just told me she has emailed the shelter. I am going to be slaughtered

op I haven't followed your threat, but it came up in active and you sound really desperate and upset.

Is ending the lease with this woman (and dog) possible? Could you go home/stay with a friend in the mean time?

This dog sounds damaged (as many rescues are) and your flat mate sounds like the wrong person to rehome it for lots of reasons.

*thread not threat, sorry.

She's behaving like a schoolgirl bully. The shelter should send someone round.

Repeat / it's not my fault again and again

She is going to absolutely freak out at me

OP, I have had dogs from shelters before, and they have always insisted on seeing the dog with everyone it will be living with before agreeing to the rehoming. This is doe for very good reason. I wonder if your flatmate told the centre that she had a flatmate at all?

I genuinely think this situation has gone way past recovery, and this is in no way your fault or because of your issues.

Your flatmate has behaved very selfishly and does indeed not seem to value you at all.

I would make urgent plans to move out, and I wouldn't stay in contact with her. Or with the dog

You do not have to let your flatmate make you feel bad. You can't control what she says to you, but you can control how you respond to it.

Think through some good, unapologetic phrases that express how you feel. Write them down if it helps. Use them. Be honest and straightforward but DO NOT APOLOGIZE unless you have done something you regret (e.g burning the flat down warrants an apology... but the dog growling at you does NOT).

"I am uncomfortable here because you have been unfair and the dog is aggressive toward me"
"The dog is aggressive toward me"
"the dog is your responsibility, not mine"
"I had no objection to you getting the right dog, but you are wrong to think that this is the right environment for that particular dog".
"You need to keep the dog out of communal areas until it can behave without aggression"
"The dog needs a stable, settled environment which you cannot provide"
"I pay half the rent and have a right to live in my home without having to deal with an aggressive animal"

The dog has two people on it's home turf - your flatmate and you. You can't compare how it reacts to other people (who do not share it's territory) and how it reacts to you. From the dog's perspective, you are not in the same role as visitors to the flat. Nothing to do with your behaviour, your tone of voice, or anything else.

You're obviously worried about her reaction, can another friend come to stay for a few days?

Oh sweetheart

This Flatmate sounds like a cunt and a nasty bully of the highest order , and it sounds like she is making you very vulnerable
And to top it all she has bought in a dangerous and unsuitable dog

She is nOt and good person and and she is not your friend
That dog needs to be rehoused

Please take strength from the posts - this situation can and will change and you need to extricate yourself

You are doing amazing and I am so sorry you had this set back with this vile vile nasty bully of a woman X

Hi, normallyloves - I don't have any advice about dogs, I'm afraid! But I would say, please try not to worry so much about your flatmate's reaction. The situation will be sorted, and though it might feel unpleasant having to deal with your flatmate and all of this, there is nothing she can do to you apart from be annoyed and angry, and you are in the right here. So don't worry about her anger, if you can manage it: if she is angry then that is her responsibility. You do not have to accept it.

Could someone come up to stay with you for support, your boyfriend perhaps or your mum?

You really can't be expected to live with a dog who growls at you and is not safe to be around, and it really is best for the dog too that the situation should end. The shelter should be informed, or she needs to make the decision to move out. It is absolutely reasonable that you should say "we made this decision to move in to this flat together under different circumstances; but I am not comfortable and do not feel safe with this new arrangement". It is a great shame that she decided to adopt the dog, but that was her decision (and her poor judgment), not yours.

Much sympathy, and good wishes going out to you, both to feel calmer and happier, and for the situation to be sorted soon!

I did agree to her adopting the dog, and I confirmed this with the shelter. This was before I knew about his issues.

Have a splitting headache. Going to try to sleep. I just want to move out and leave her and the dog to get on with it. Not sure about how to break the lease without telling landlord why.

Thank you all so much. You're amazing, I feel unsafe but almost too tired to care anymore

I think you can tall the landlord exactly why.

Second what sister said normally just be honest with the landlord. Hopefully the shelter will realse your flatmate is the wrong person for this dog and rehome him to a better home. Id still look at moving though!