terrified of dog (bloody essay)

[normallylovesdogs]

I've NC'd for this, as it's such a difficult situation and I don't want me - or the dog to be identified. It's also a bit of an essay

A bit of background - I am on the autistic spectrum and struggle to know when I am right or wrong. I am thirty and have lived independently for ten years but I still speak to my mother about things which bother me - I think a lot of people do this?

I moved into a rented flat in August which I love, with a girl who seemed lovely. As time went on she was annoyed with me for small things - leaving lights on when I went out, etcetera, but she did these things herself and often left the heating on. I felt a bit like a second class flatmate even though we pay equal rent, but I liked her. She seemed nice and friendly, and had nice friends over. We would often eat together and split a bottle of wine.

She asked in December if I would mind her getting a dog - there was one she had seen in Dog Rescue Centre and liked. I like dogs, so I agreed. I have grown up with dogs, and my parents always had them. As a child I used to cycle for hours with our dogs running behind - they were collies, very bright, and we lived in the country so there were miles for them to run.

When I was home for Christmas my flatmate collected the dog. I was planning on having a new year party the day I arrived back, and my flatmate asked me to reschedule with four days notice as the dog is 'freaked out by new people.' I agreed to make dinner in the flat, then head out - until I found the pubs charged an entry. I then asked if we could have the party in my room, as I didn't want to let down friends who had based their plans round the party (It was on the cards for several months.) She said no, and I (on the advice of my mother) sent her a message saying I felt like a second class flatmate and detailing the things which upset me. As I'm not very brave I ended up apologising for this and taking it all back. To be honest, I am really scared of her and sending the message felt like a minion standing up to the emperor or something. I felt sick.

Anyway - New Year's Eve (We agreed on the meal in the flat then going to the pub - my boyfriend paid for people's tickets.) I got back late - transport chaos, all west coast services cancelled as far as Carlisle - with my boyfriend who met me at the station to help carry bags.

He walked into the kitchen to dump the bags and the dog freaked out, snarled and ran into the corridor. He is a tall man and he was carrying a heavy suitcase. The dog is fairly new, so I can see how the combination was frightening.

He and my flatmate then had a row as he had upset the dog. Things between them have never been good and he was resentful that I'd had to let my friends down, though I had explained why. I was shaking, so were we all. A lot of unpleasant things were said and the dog witnessed this (and it's owners reactions) and probably associated me with fear and conflict.

Later I went into my flatmates room where the dog was lying on her bed, and went to pet it. It growled and then bit me on the arm, not badly but broke the skin slightly. At the time I didn't think a lot of it. I was new to the dog and the dog was frightened. Also I was in his space. I should probably have had a shot or antibiotics, but I was OK and it has pretty much healed now.

Since then the dog has snarled at me in a quite threatening way quite a few times. It also growls or barks when I go near it. Apparently it was returned to the dogs home before for biting a child and I have a very child like voice, so that could perhaps be why? My flatmate thinks it associates me with Bad Energy from the first night and the row we had.

It is lovely with everyone else - I have seen it and it is fine. We have tried many things - my flatmate keeps encouraging me to pet it, take it off it's lead but it hates me touching it and it runs as far from me as it can. The other day my flatmate asked me to stroke it whilst it lay on her bed, and it snarled, then bit her as she was holding its mouth.

She constantly points out that he is fine with everyone else and I just need to 'break the ice.' Every attempt to break the ice goes wrong though.

The result is, I am terrified of it.

Things came to a head today, when I walked with my flatmate and the dog to her work - the plan being I was to walk it home and make friends with it. I was pretty scared, but agreed to do so, as I'm bad at saying no.

I originally said I was happy to help out with the dog - but this was before I knew it would behave like this. I didn't want to rescind this.

Anyway, in her work the dog was friendly to everyone except me. She gave me a biscuit to give it and it snarled and bared its teeth. I was meant to walk it home, but thankfully her boss witnessed it snarl at me and offered to let it stay there. I was terrified of getting it off the lead, as it hates me touching it.

She is furious with me, as I spoke to my mother about it last night and my mother is concerned about me and we argued. She said I tell everyone everything and I should be more tactical, she doesn't know whether she is living with a child or an adult.

I am upset as I feel she is attacking me because of her dog's behaviour. I speak to my parents about things which worry me - and perhaps I am more reliant on them than I should be, but I struggle to understand situations myself. Also, isn't it normal to tell your mother if you are afraid of something? Why ought I to hide it?

My flatmate started saying that there was no way the dog was going back to the dogs home, even though I didn't suggest that, and that I was endangering it and being irresponsible. She also said I was like a child.

I have a social worker who comes to see me every fortnight because of my autism and another disability, but I think I am quite independent. I have a part time job, several close friends and I cook, clean - have a normal social life.

I'm really upset and scared. I feel that my living space is being violated and I am being attacked for minding this. I am also naturally very passive and frightened and I tend to apologise for everything, which I am doing now, but I feel angry too - her dog is attacking me in my living space and I am made to feel it is my own fault.

She's like me to move out. I can't move in with my boyfriend as he is saving for a deposit, and living with family. I also really like this flat...but I am so unassertive and so scared

God...sorry for such an essay, I could do with a hand, a bit of support, telling what to do

I don't dislike the dog. I just fear him.

Thank you...just running my bath now...I feel very sick and shaky, too sick to eat, is this normal? Staying with dp for the next couple of nights anyway...

I might explain to dog rescue...I'm not sure what that would achieve though

Gosh you poor thing, it must be so difficult for you.

In all honesty, i think you should find another flat share, your housemate sounds like an absolute nightmare.

It guiles me to say that because why should you move out because she was so inconsiderate.

Dogs are extremely sensitive to peoples emotions etc and maybe your ASD makes you difficult to read for the dog, if that makes sense and also he can probably sense that you are uncomfortable around him - none of this is your fault, neither is it the dogs.

Id be looking for new people to share a home with, there are nicer people than her.

Another one agreeing with hedgehog.

Your flatmate is the one in the wrong. Not only is she the one behaving like a child, but she brought the dog into the flat and ultimately it's her responsibility. If she wants to keep the dog, then it's her that has to take action to make sure it's happy and also (and I feel very strongly about this as a dog owner myself) that it is in no way negatively impacting on any other living being. To me that it one of the most important aspects of keeping dogs as pets. That might mean her moving out or consulting a behaviourist and taking the dog to training classes, but it definitely shouldn't mean you leaving your home - the responsibility lies fully with your flatmate here.

Also, her constantly pushing the dog and you together has definitely exacerbated the situation. I would advise a total hands-off, low-pressure approach. Basically you just completely ignore the dog, don't try to interact with it, don't stare at it, don't try to feed or walk it. What you can do is make yourself into a passive treat dispenser, so-to-speak, by dropping small (as in tiny) pieces of super tasty food/treats when the dog is acting calm and relaxed in your presence. The more you do that, the more he will start to associate you with pleasant things, but you absolutely shouldn't be trying to force interaction on a dog that is reacting violently to your presence. Walking towards it and trying to interact with it while it's on her bed is bound to escalate the situation, as there's most likely some degree of protective instinct kicking in on top of it's existing anxiety/fear.

It's very irresponsible of her to assume that just because the dog is only reacting to you at present it will be fine with everyone else. What if it comes across a child it doesn't like the look of, especially if it has bitten a child before. She absolutely needs to be working with an APBC qualified behaviourist if she doesn't want to end up with the dog being pts and/or a court-case on her hands, as knowing a dog to have bitten previously will make her liable. It's very unusual for a rescue group to rehome a dog knowing that it's already bitten, most simply wouldn't do it. A very small minority would, but only with a lot of behaviourist back up and after an extremely in-depth home-check, including the potential owners' experience with dogs that have behavioural issues. I suspect she got it from a pound, rather than a genuine rescue.

My eldest ds has ASD and severe anxiety and I would say that the situation between you and your flatmate and the levels of anxiety you are feeling around it will be clearly obvious to the dog, he will be able to read your anxiety levels without even being in the same room as you and that will heighten his anxiety too.

Is there any way you can get away for a few days to diffuse the situation and while you're gone contact the landlord to see what they think?

Long-term, if you try everything and she won't budge, then for your own sake I think you are going to have to consider finding a new flat - and I do understand how hard that will be for you, with all the change that will involve for you. You absolutely shouldn't have to, but she sounds extremely hard to deal with and if she flat out refuses to go, I think it would still be the better option, as even if she did rehome the dog (which clearly she won't anyway) relations are never going to be good between you. She sounds extremely bad for your self-confidence and mental well-being.

So sorry you are going through this.

Cross posted.

Glad you can get out of there for a couple of days and sadly yes, feeling sick, shaky and losing your appetite is normal when your anxiety levels are that high. It's a horrible, horrible feeling and you don't deserve it.

If you do speak the rescue - and they are a genuine rescue, not a pound, you may find they could perhaps set up a 'spot-check' that the dog is settling in well, leaving you out of the situation, but enabling them to get involved with working on the dog's behaviour. Most decent rescues would want to be informed and to help sort out any problems of this sort, not only for the dog's sake, but because it doesn't do their reputation any good if they are seen to be rehoming dogs that go on to terrify people in their own homes.

Hi OP I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation - your concerns are more than reasonable, it's your home as well (if you do decide you would like to stay)

I've grown up with / always had dogs and a few years ago I rehomed a rescue dog with similar issues of trauma in his past - he was very afraid of all men, particularly tall ones carrying things, but if he got off on the wrong foot with anyone, male / female, person or animal, they were then on his 'black list', and he would bark / snap at (not bite) to ward them off and show he's not to be messed with. His problems were such that we in fact 'fostered' him with active support from the dog rescue staff for a couple of months before the adoption was confirmed, as he began to show improvement. I even went back to them six months later when he began to 'relapse' and they helped again. They didn't at any point ask me to pay anything extra for the extra help but I voluntarily made a donation (based on what I could afford rather than any suggestion by them).

Actually, I wonder if, as moosemama suggests she's not got it from an actual rescue / rehoming centre at all, but to give her the benefit of the doubt - I strongly suggest that the responsible thing for your flatmate to do is to go back to the dog rescue for advice and support. It is unlikely that if they've allowed the adoption in the first place, that their first response will be to demand the dog back. Its much more likely that they will want this rehoming to succeed just as much as your flatmate does and they should be prepared to offer all three of you all the help you need in solving this problem.

I too think hedgehog's approach is great, but instead of starting from saying you'll have to report the dog you could try "I can't live with your aggressive dog, if you don't contact the dog rescue and tell them there's a problem we need to sort out, I'll have to take it further". If she refuses that perfectly reasonable and constructive suggestion, then that just confirms she's the problem and you'll have to consider what you want to do next.

In any case - YOU are NOT the problem.

Your flatmate clearly knows next to nothing about dogs and is therefore unable to assess the level of danger you are in.

You are probably right to feel that the dog isn't safe for you to live with.

Putting that issue aside, it sounds like things with your flatmate have gone from bad to worse and it's time to move on. I'd be surprised if she's allowed to keep a dog but if she is, you'll have to be the one to go. It's unfair but at least you're leaving with all your fingers and no scars.

Thank you, I feel slightly better for the bath

Should I leave her a note to say where I am going and that we will talk in a few days? I am once again feeling concilatory (sp?) but I need to let that go...God, I feel so sick still, can't drink a bloody cup of tea and eat a shortbread

you're all lovely. I feel so unsafe, but you are making me better

I am concerned about getting the social worker involved, as I know they have contacts with a lot of agencies and not sure I want them all involved.

I drafted the following note - 'Hi [Name of Flatmate] I've gone off to get some head space for the next few days. I think it would do us both good. Please finish the soup and we shall speak after the weekend. [my name]'

I can't believe I am being ousted from my home by a dog who is terrified of and terrifies me.

OP, just wanted to say that you sound lovely - reasonable, calm and sensible. This is NOT your fault at all. I suffer from anxiety at times and at its worse it makes me feel sick, shaky and panicked.
I am so sorry that you feel unhappy and unsafe in your own home. And I know how difficult it is to stand up for yourself and defend yourself against someone who is criticising you and making out that you are the unreasonable person. I agree with posters who have said that you need to have a few stock phrases and repeat them.
Her - why do you tell your mother everything? Are you a child or an adult?
You - my relationship with my mother is not the issue here. I don't have to defend myself to you. (Repeat as necessary)
Her - it's your bad vibes making my dog aggressive.
You - your dog was aggressive from day one and it has not changed. It's not my behaviour that has made your dog aggressive. (Repeat as necessary)
Her - you're being disrespectful etc etc
You - I'm an adult and I have every right to say what I think. Adults should be able to have rational, calm conversations.

And yes, talking to your mother about things you're worried about is completely normal! I'm nearly 40 and married with two DCs and I still speak to my mother for advice about things! Maybe your flatmate is jealous that you have a close relationship with your mother?

However, I also think that you should try and find somewhere else to live. Would moving back in with your parents for a bit be an option?

thank you everyone...typing with one hand as on the phone hence no caps

your answers have really helped me, but i'm asking for this thread to be deleted now though as i'm scared someone i know will see it, you've all been great and really helped xx

OP please do NOT follow the suggestions given by liz70 on the first page. I work in dog behaviour and this sort of strategy is based on very outdated theories of dominance and control. With a reactive fear-aggressive dog such as your flatmate's you would be very likely to be severely bitten. If a dog is punished for growling then the only way it can communicate it's unease is to escalate its behaviour to biting, growling is a warning and should never be punished. If you set yourself up in competition with a dog for its food you increase its anxiety and thus aggression. Resource-guarding (beds, food, owner) is very common in dogs that have been rehomed, and anxiety about people that move or speak awkwardly is very common in poorly socialised dogs. You have been incredibly insightful and understanding about possible triggers for this dog's aggression, but just because you can understand the behaviour, it does NOT mean that the dog's behaviour is acceptable.

Your flatmate has a legal responsibility under the dangerous dogs act to ensure that her dog does not display dangerous behaviours even in its own home. If you google you should be able to find information on this online.

I think the biggest problem here is not the dog (which could be rehabilitated with a sensible owner) but your flatmate who seems to be irresponsible and arrogant. I'd ditch her and move out. Your behaviour here seems completely reasonable.

I think I'd leave a note saying 'I've gone to stay with my boyfriend until x as I no longer feel safe because of your aggressive dog. Please make alternative arrangements for your dog by the time I return. Cheers.' But then I have AS so am probably a bit more blunt than average.

hedgehog - I don't have AS and would leave exactly the same note. Sometimes blunt works best.

Fair dos, Vet - you're the pro.

Thank you hesterton - I think you are right. I am just unsure about finding somewhere...

So sorry you're in this situation. I agree that you should write a blunt note, and that you should find someone different to live with. FFS, I'm in my mid-40s and I talk to my mother about almost everything! Your so-called 'friend' is using your ASD against you by calling you a child - she's trying to make you doubt your ability to make reasonable judgments about your environment.

The dog needed to be rehomed with someone more experienced than your 'friend'. It isn't getting the help it needs to adjust to human company.

I know it's hard to find a new place to live, and a new flatmate, but you don't deserve to be spoken to as if you're less than human. It might take a little while to find the right flat, but keep looking - you'll find it eventually.

Regardless of the dog issue, even before the dog arrived, your friend was bullying you to some extent. It is hard to be friends with someone like that. I think this friendship has maybe run its course and you'd be better making new friends in a new flat. You deserve to feel happy and comfortable in your own home and by the sound of it, you didn't feel like that because your friend makes you feel like a second class citizen. I know it is hard to find somewhere new but honestly don't think if it as the dog pushing you out, it us your friend's behaviour.

I don't agree the dog is irrelevant. There are two problems: 1) the flat mate and 2) the dog, which, combined, necessitate moving out asap.

OP you have done nothing wrong here. As said by others your flat mate is a bully and is emotionally abusive.

You shouldn't feel like this in your own home.

I am not very assertive and used to always apologize to people, I had some CBT and it really helped, perhaps it's worth considering?

You shouldn't have to apologize for other people's behaviour. I don't think your flat mate will change, no matter what you say or do.

I think that the only way to solve this if you don't want confrontation is to move out, which isn't fair on you!

I hope you can have a good chat with your boyfriend and sort something out, there is nothing wrong with talking to people including your mother, your flat mate is wrong.

thank you all, I ended up leaving with no note - I'm still hoping she will contact me and try to make peace/apologise for the hurtful things she has said and offer to find a way in which we can all co exist and the dog can get the training he needs.

I am tempted to email the landlady or the shelter, but I don't want to take any action which will lead to the dog being destroyed. He is very frightened but he does love her very dearly, and she him. This is why I feel so shit about this thing about him hating me.

My flatmate has got it into her head that my social worker visits are somehow all about her - which they aren't - and this misconception has made her angry with me for having the support.

I'm actually too frightened to go back to my own home - even though my phone charger is there. I feel I will be 'told off' orput firmly back in my place - not allowed to say or do anything which might make the dog uncomfortable but forced to try and break the ice for his sake, and my feelings be damned.

I have a lot of anger - as you maybe see, but when faced with her I am very 'sorry, sorry, sorry.'

I mean about him fearing me - maybe because I am anxious and high pitched

Op,

Two things.

She won't apologise not only because it sounds as though she is not the sort but because she genuinely doesn't see why she should.

And assertiveness takes practice. Honestly. It doesn't come all at once. Try saying the things in your mind and then to your bf, ir if you don't want to use you be, out loud. It will be easier. It takes time.

The dog isn't hostile because of your 'bad energy'. It's hostile because your flatmate is hostile to you and it's taking its cues from her.

She may not even be conscious of this but her aggressive, bullying and dismissive behaviour speaks volumes about the contempt she feels for you. And being convinced your social worker visits are about her? That's a frankly bonkers level of self-absorption and paranoia she's got going on there.

If I were you I'd look for somewhere else to live pronto. The issue isn't the dog, it's your horrible flatmate. An aggressive, paranoid bully and an over-compliant, anxious person with autism? Disastrous combination. Get out now, stay with your parents for a bit if you have to but for goodness' sake find somewhere to live where you are treated with courtesy by people who respect you.