To find getting older so incredibly sad

[GrillPanEddy]

All of a sudden I feel old. I'm 35 which I know is by no means ancient but physically I'm starting to feel it - little aches and niggles, grey hairs, wrinkles, sagging. Nothing that major but it just keeps dawning on me that I'm getting older.

I bump into people I used to know in my teens and think "fuck they look old".

Looking at my parents getting older breaks my heart. My dad in particular - late 60s and getting grumpy, a bit lazy, a bit slow, a bit out of touch with what's going on. He used to be so lively and in the know about everything.

I feel like my time, my family's time is a all so bloody short. Life is running away from us and making us old in the process. Time goes sooooo quickly these days, the years are merging into each other.

I don't want to get old and don't want others around me to get old. I don't want to see my lovely DH get old.

I don't want to deteriorate mentally or physically but kind of think I've hit my peak without even realizing and it's just age age age from here on in.

Makes me so sad. Feels like a ridiculously unfair part of life. Though I also get how ridiculous that sounds too.

I sometimes think one of the best things my mother did was never tell me I looked quite good so my teens were about reading feminist books, beating everyone at exams, thinking about a stellar career and lovely hobbies with looks not really counting for much at all so at 50 those elements still keep getting better and better (no ill health as yet tough wood - not even menopause and I'm 54!!).

Those women whose life is their looks, who hooked the rich man, who keep him through being sexy and slim and are able to stop him moving on to the younger model, who have to jump through his hoops to keep him and his wealth tend more than women who support themselves to resent aging.

It is not for nothing all major religions have vanity as a sin. If you think about how you look it tends to make you miserable. I would argue it's morally wrong to send too much time on how you look. Go and wash the feet of a neighbour instead if you've time to look into mirrors.

Hmm I'm not sure I agree with all of that Deo. I'm vain. Whilst I fully realise there are more important things in life, clothes and playing with my apearance give me a lot of pleasure. Moreover looking in the mirror reminds me that time is beginning to run out and that I need to get a move on.

What does piss me off however, is the way for women, looking good has become conflated with looking young.

Aspiring for more and more money, comparing bank balances, even constantly pushing for a Stella career is also vanity. They are all fleeting, all can be lost in the twinkling of an eye, so I wouldn't want to tie my self worth up in my career, or bank balance, although having them is not a bad thing.

So, we can assume, DG, that you also never tell any of your 5 children that they look lovely at all?

And age of menopause is nothing whatsoever to do with anything you've done. But, hey, why miss out on having another go at women who aren't exactly like you.

Oh.
I can't keep up with all DG's names

I don't mind getting old. I am growing old disgracefully.
The main negative is my mind makes promises my body can't keep.

Upside, you really don't give a toss what other people think. Downside, you become invisible.

Deo I also notice you said as a result of your DM never telling you you looked quite good, your teens were spent reading feminist books.
You're not seriously thinking if parents compliment their children on how they look, they'll end up incapable of comprehending feminism, so your congratulating yourself?

I tried to avoid telling my DCs my opinion on how they looked too. I never considered it relevant to their developing self image. Once they got to their late teens the question of appropriate dress for their jobs came into play and we discussed that -- what worked with already existing clothes, what was a reasonable price to pay, what was easy to wash, what suited a certain shape or colouring and what did not. I made up my mind that if I wouldn't tell DS he was looking good, looked handsome, etc, then I wouldn't tell the DDs anything along those lines either. Telling a girl she looks pretty is as dangerous as telling her she is clever, imo.

My parents never put much attention on our looks either, more on behaviour, and intelligence. I'm glad - it didn't stop a couple of us being interested in fashion and makeup, but as something you did rather than something you were, IYSWIM?

I am very glad they did. My peers seemed way more fucked up about appearance (I remember one girl in school telling us she was going to kill herself at 40 FFS so she wouldn't get old )

That is what I was shooting for, Slightly. I hoped they would all see clothes as functional and not a hobby, and would learn to take care of them properly and make good purchasing and discarding decisions.

Thanks for your honesty OP. I think the point is that feeling sadness about being mortal is quite normal and definitely does not preclude appreciating life, living life to the full (never quite sure exactly what that means) and being a decent person. I too (I am 57) feel deep sadness about the fact that one day I will not exist and that my son whom I love dearly and my family and friends will continue life without me. And yes many aspects of getting older are sad and troubling however there are pluses too. I know at 35 that might be difficult to grasp. I see myself as continuing to grow as a person in becoming more compassionate and thoughtful, I hope that is something you will achieve but your honesty would indicate to me that you are already there. Personally I believe being upfront and honest about the fear of growing older and death is a good thing.

I am 42 next week and wouldn't give anything to be in my 20s again. I love the freedom of caring less about other people's opinions.

Sounds as if I would have been a huge disappointment to you then. Clothes are one of my favourite hobbies

Hmm I do tell my kids they look nice, I like your outfit, your haircut looks great etc. I suspect this is because I just got a barrage of criticism from my mum about my appearance and it really hurt. Perhaps it would have been better not to mention it as PPs have said.

However I don't make it a big deal, I compliment them on trying hard, being kind, clever and all that too, and I don't make it the be-all and end-all. I'm a bit torn on this because on the one hand it shouldn't be an issue. On the other I think you want your mum to tell you you look lovely and to find you gorgeous. But that could be because of my background.

I'm 38 and I feel the same OP. It's just very sad. My parents are already dead so at least I don't have that to worry about but yeah, the thought that I might now be in (or past) the middle of my life is a bit scary.

Swedish, very important issue. I am much more likely to say they did well - if they are kind to someone etc than comment on looks. So yes deliberate policy just like my mother to tell children they do well when they do good rather than when they look physically attractive. Of course I might have once or twice said they look good but it's not something often said and they are so lucky to have that philosphy in this family.

Let us not forget the old English sayings such as pretty is as pretty does.

Relinquish vanity in 2016 and the route to ahppiness might be yours and I also agree that relying on material things for happiness is silly too. i am always going on about the things that make people happy being fresh air, moving, wholefoods etc, lots of sleep, drinking water. Of course women are more secure and can protect their chidlren if they earn a lot but if you make that your life's aim then like King Midas you will drown in your own gold.

There endeth my moral lesson of the day. Go forth and eschew the mirror and look instead into your own soul.

I often tell my children how great they look or that top really suits them etc etc. Or how nice their hair looks a certain way.

I do it to everyone! Isn't it just a kind, friendly, positive thing to do??

Deo, the 'Vanity' in the religious sense isn't around looks, but thinking that you are superior, or your achievements are greater and more important than those of others. You pretty much fit that criteria. Not going through the Menopause isn't something to brag about. I'm nearly 48, thankfully I haven't had a period for nearly two years, it's great.

I've always wanted to go to a particular place (outside of the EU), that no-one I know wants to, this thread has, along with getting over a major illness has spurred me to go this year, alone. You never know if you're going to lose your mobility, at any age really, but your odds go up, as you age.

The place I want to visit is steeped in history and people there had very sad lives and deaths.

I agree that it's a privilege to have concerns about aging, other than needing to be physically fit, to survive.

I didn't have a good upbringing and I was very looks focused. I went through a lot of angst, which is now gone. I don't feel the need to explain why chashing money wasn't what I've ever been about. I wish I had my confidence now, when I was a SAHM.

The freedom that you personally experience post 45, can't really be explained, fully.

Watching the Television coverage of the tributes to David Bowie, it suddenly struck me that all of the men on the show had been fans from the start (all 50+), but the female co-presenters (early 30's) could only speak of listening to his music.

Women, post reproductive, are still seen as irrelevant, in the UK that's the next battle to take on.

Its not the loss of looks we should worry about, the sagging visage isn't great but that's just a cosmetic issue

More importantly what's going on inside?
Your liver and your arteries?
How much visceral adipose tissue do you have?

Those are the sorts of things I worry about suzanne. I was never a stunner in the first place so 'loss of looks' isn't a concern for me! Loss of health is.

MadameCroquette, I think many parenting decisions arise as a result of one's own experiences or observations as a child on the receiving end of parenting. My mum had/has bulimia and outward appearance meant a lot (to put it mildly) to her. She wasn't critical -- the opposite actually, but I definitely got the impression that there was a favoured 'look' in her eyes. I also sensed without realising the exact nature of her problem, that her focus on appearance held her back in many ways. Sifting through various motifs from my childhood, I decided that focus was one element I would ditch.

I feel that there is a fine line between normal conversation about appearance and turning it into something more significant than it needs to be. Certainly little girls do not need to hear anything about how they look, just as they should never have a label like clever or naughty applied to them. They should be free to form their own self image, but I think a parent (and a school too) can help guide them in choosing what qualities they should use in order to form that. I always focused on effort, and qualities like good time management, being organised, being a good friend, appreciating others' talents and their own, kindness.

They went to a non-uniform high school where there are no rules about makeup or hairstyles or colour or nail polish and I didn't stop them from any experimenting they felt like doing, but we didn't talk about any of that apart from encouraging them to get their look for the day sorted the night before. DD1 usually had her outfits arranged a week in advance, but that was the sort of general approach she had about everything. The rest of them were more laid back in their habits.

Iamworkingonit, great post.

Apart from a couple of health issues, I like getting older. I've just turned 50 and thought my 40s were my best decade ever, when I felt at my boldest and most confident. Now I'm 50, mentally I feel great and am still reasonably fit and healthy and go to the gym and go hiking, etc.

Growing old is a privilege denied to many. I don't feel that job opportunities are shrinking - I feel that I'm at the peak of my competence, confidence and success, career-wise. I feel that there are abundant opportunities out there for me.

One of my friends is now in her late 60s and her life improved a thousandfold after she got divorced in her 50s and then retired a few years later. She spends half the year abroad and has a fantastic life, of which I'm really envious.

Another friend who is now almost 80 emigrated to Ibiza in her late 70s and absolutely loves it! She is one of the happiest, healthiest and fittest (for her age) people I know.

Both of these women love their lives far more now than they ever did.

It's all about your mental attitude. Feel old at 35 and you will BE old at 35!

Not had time to read the whole thread, just the first few pages and the last page, but I wanted to chip in and say that being young can be really over-rated. You might have your looks (in fact not everyone is blessed with good looks even in their early 20's) and your health (ditto - some people live with health challenges all their lives unfortunately) but you certainly don't have any control over your life when you're a child and taking what power you can over yourself can be a terrifying battle when you're younger. And just being a young and attractive woman can make you a target for all sorts of creeps.

I'm all for people going backpacking in their 60's if they're physically up for it. Especially the women.

I think the secret to ageing well is to be a big fat mess until about 35 and then sort yourself out. Then you miss out on the whole "I don't look as good as I used to" problem.