Dreading becoming a hated MIL

[FlatOnTheHill]

I have read so many MIL threads on MN and many of the attacks on MILs are for such petty, ridiculous and unnecessary reasons it makes for uncomfortable reading.
Does anyone else dread the thought of their DS's one day marrying a controlling MIL hater.

Me and MIL get on so well, it brings tears to my eyes when I think about when she wont be around anymore. And my 16-month-old son adores her.

She brought me, husband and son advent calendars this year - I didn't think twice about it! But I understand that's because she's a nice person and wasn't doing it to be controlling.

My mother on the other hand - I feel sorry for my sister in law!

I read on here whether Mil cant do right for wrong.I have 5 boys and i will just take the cue from them.

I think sometimes reading the threads on here you have to ask what did the dil do,they cant all be sweetness and light and never in the wrong.

I'm looking forward to being a mother in law too. It will mean my son has met someone he loves and who loves him.

But having read so many of these threads, I'm also nervous and I don't think it's as simple as me not being a dick.

For every awful MIL there are probably just as many bad DILs.
I don't often hear men moaning about their MILs but you hear women complaining a lot about theirs.
I did not get on with my own MIL because she made it clear she did not think I was good enough for her son ( my now ex). I have to admit I was as horrible about her as she was about me and it is something I regret now.
I could have been kinder and a made an effort and it may have made a difference.

When my pregnant dil was on holiday I was feeding their cats and noticed that they, like me, had a big pile of ironing. My first impulse was to do it for them to help out.

I stopped and put it to the mumsnet jury."
Now this is interesting. If I was feeding a family members or a friend's cat and I had the time and inclination I would have done that ironing without a second thought. Are you saying that once I become a mil I have to change my behaviour? In a way that would probabky puzzle my son who knows me?

The ironing thing depends so much on the relationship, I think.

I would be furious if my MIL did mine - I would see it as an intrusion in my house and also MIL isn't very good at it. I've felt extremely upset when she has done things like go through my fridge throwing things away. But this is partly because it would come with a real charge of criticism - and because we don't have the closeness in our relationship for it not to feel that way because she is so very, very bossy all of the time and it is undermining. I know friends who have closer and more casual and caring relationships with PIL for whom it wouldn't be a problem at all.

Also any slight crapness in a MIL is always put down to evil intent. Some people are just bad at presents.

It's mothers of sons and fathers of daughters isn't it? The theory goes:

A mother (the 'main' female) is replaced when a son marries.

The father (the 'main' male) is replaced when a daughter marries.

I have 4 DDs, so have no experience of an opposite sex child to me.
My DDs range from toddler to teen. It brings me joy to see then into young adulthood doing the things young adults do. They're not children for long. My role is to get them safely to adulthood. Spread their wings. Boyfriends have come along, house buying is in progress for my eldest right now. I could not be happier.

Compare this with DHs attitude (DD4 is 2yrs old - his only biological child) he says he hates the thought of any man coming into her life, and cannot bare it. Gives him the rage. Much in the way of the pp here earlier who said, 'half jokingly', that she feels there'll never be anyone good enough for her son.

He's seeing his step daughters begin to date and have steady partners and he's bad enough with them. But DD4 ... god help her boyfriends. He'll be the FIL from hell

"I would be furious if my MIL did mine - I would see it as an intrusion in my house"
2 things leap out here- what a waste of fury and also- my house? Doesn't MIL's son live there too?

As I said in my earlier post, there aren't poor MILs or DILs, there are just poor people. Or rather, there are people who act in ways that accentuate division, distrust and discord, irrespective of their role.

This thread (along with every other) is an excellent example of such people - goading, distorting, projecting, exaggerating, wilfully misinterpreting, seeking offence at every turn.

'Tis human nature, sadly.

I would be furious if my MIL did mine - I would see it as an intrusion in my house

Surely your feelings are based on some kind of insecurity?
Your MIL is your son's mother FGS. She would see it as helping and you see it as an intrusion?
It is interpreting her actions as a 'take over' or muscling in on your territory?
She is family surely?

I don't think it's as simple as me not being a dick

It isn't. A MIL/DIL pairing is like any other. What it is going to look like cannot be controlled by one half of the equation planning on behaving in a certain way. And unfortunately that is going to mean some people (who think they have their future MILdom sorted) are going to get a nasty shock. Not least because planning on being as near as you can get to paragon of virtue status rarely pans out once human frailties (on both sides) are factored into the mix.

I think 3 ? of us as DILs on this thread have raised our hands to having properly contributed, or been responsible for, some/most of the tension in a DIL/MIL relationship. Just 3. Say six in case I missed some. In forums largely populated by older women, you'd likely see just as few MILs raise their hands. It does seem to be that this is one relationship where there is a notable amount of disinterest in taking a long hard look at oneself and being willing to take some responsibility for one's own feet of clay having left some muddy footprints over the relationship's history and evolution.

Back in the real world, occasionally it's almost all the DIL, occasionally it's almost all the MIL.

Sometimes it's just a pure personality clash. Never going to work. Stay the fuck out of each other's way while the rest of the family get on with it is the only workable solution.

But more often than not both sides have justified niggles. Just like in most other relationships. In some cases there is (more or less) a joint effort to keep things down to niggle level. In others, one or both fan the niggle sparks and both MILs and DILs can get a bit "let me once again count the reasons, no matter how petty, why you irritate the fuck out of me and are therefore a dick, so I can justify being a dick right back at you".

Hopefully most of us will get to be in the "get on like a house on fire" to "well controlled, non exaggerated, non over egged niggles" range of DIL/MIL situations.

I remember a thread where a poster was furious because her MIL brought in the washing when it started to rain! It was one of those threads that went on and on and lots of women would have been upset apparently! If your son marries a woman with a complete lack of common sense there isn't much you can do.

I think that one of the huge perks of having sons is that you suddenly get female company. I love it. It pays to be welcoming from the start. I remember another odd thread where a poster didn't want her teenage son's girlfriend to come to her house. Poster after poster thought it wasn't necessary unless they got engaged! I simply couldn't understand that one. One of my sons met his wife aged 18yrs and I wouldn't have the good relationship that I have today if I had waited 6 years to get to know her. She has simply been a part of the family from the start. She has a good relationship with her own mother which helps.

On here when people want girls they never mention the very special mother/son relationship, possibly because people don't want to acknowledge it in their husband.

I get irritated by threads which want us to list stupid things our PIL say, and never ever our parents, as if they are a class on their own. I don't know how those with DS and DD manage to only spout rubbish to DIL and yet be sensible to DD! In my experience mother's of girls are just as likely to say silly things.

I really don't think anyone needs to worry as long as they have a good relationship with their DS and have stopped expecting to control, have maintained a good relationship with DH and have a fulfilled life of their own, have welcomed ILs and others in their home and can keep their opinions to themselves, unless asked.

All the problems seem to come from women who nit pick, who over analyse everything and have to be confrontational and have the last 'right' word. On MN there seem to be plenty of these as DILs and MILs.

I remember another odd thread where a poster didn't want her teenage son's girlfriend to come to her house. Poster after poster thought it wasn't necessary unless they got engaged! I simply couldn't understand that one.

Yes that thread was totally bizarre wasn't it. My mum had all our boyfriends over from a young age.

It was one of the oddest threads that I read maybebabybee!
The relationship was doomed- so many simply didn't want to know a girlfriend unless they had to, it was rather like on the other side where a DIL wants ( grudgingly in many cases ) their DC to have a grandparent relationship but don't really want it themselves. It is alien to me that you can't just get to know people on their own merits. I am astounded by the people who won't want to see ILs on their own and only have a relationship through DH.

bert my cat needs feeding feel free to fill your boots

"bert my cat needs feeding feel free to fill your boots"

I'd probably leave you a cake too.......

But I'm not English........

Then I would keep you!

My mum is not a good mil mostly because she is very much a wife work believer and is very critical. If my sil didn't have the patience of a saint she would have gone NC before now, think my brother has been more annoyed by it and it is because she refuses to see my brother as a grown up capable of looking after himself. Us daughters are OK we are expected to do the looking after but sons need to be mothered and my sil is frowned upon because both she and my brother believe in equality (my brother's view is irrelevant to my mum because she knows better)

I feel the same as you OP. The fact is some MIL are nasty and some DIL are too. I've seen some awful threads on here and it did scare me a bit as I've got 2 boys!

Thinking a feminist perspective can add something to this reflection on experiences within the DIL/MIL relationship
If women and mothering were generally respected more within families then I feel there would be less problems. Perhaps there's a tension between the patriarchal line in the family and the matriarchal one?
Something like this going on?

Pondering the horror of receiving a pair of knickers and pants each with 10 pounds pinned to them! Every year!

Nah! in this family people would have bitten the poor old giver's hand off!Even if the sizes,styles,colours or fabrics were wildly unsuitable.

With ostentatious gratitude for being thought of!

I have a very distant relationship with my MIL - we have nothing in common and she had 3 other children, 5 other grandchildren and 2 other DILs.

The issue is though she also has a distant relationship with dh. He's the youngest of 4 and I just don't think she is very interested in him. And he was always teased in his family because he was the youngest and an easy target and it still goes on even though he's 50odd. I don't have to defend myself to her, I have to defend dh to her!

That said, she has never tried to interfere with anything. But that kind of fits in with a lack of interest. Sometimes I don't know if it would be nicer to have someone a bit more interfering who cares!

My mum is a lot more interfering, but she also helps us a lot and really does care so i can accept it. And because it's my mum I can tell her to back off at times. The problem comes when a dh won't tell his mum to back off and you can't do it because she's not YOUR mum.

I think one of the key things is the quality of the existing relationship the dh has with both Mil and his DW.

I'm not suggesting the dh mediates but sometimes a gentle nudge to DW that Mil means we'll and also to Mil that e.g. perhaps what she sees as kindliness, DW sees as intrusion or criticism.

I think perhaps those of us who are close to our own mums do this without thinking as families are so different.

The problem comes when a dh won't tell his mum to back off and you can't do it because she's not YOUR mum why can't you tell her though? You're both adults, you don't have to be rude or abrasive. She hasn't known you for ever like your Mum has, so why not help her understand you instead of getting resentful and expecting DH to take sides?