Dreading becoming a hated MIL

[FlatOnTheHill]

I have read so many MIL threads on MN and many of the attacks on MILs are for such petty, ridiculous and unnecessary reasons it makes for uncomfortable reading.
Does anyone else dread the thought of their DS's one day marrying a controlling MIL hater.

FaF

Do you think it would sell?

Bertrand because like everything else raised on here like the advent calander it was a pattern of subtle controlling under minding behaviour.

He would take dss of me when they needed feeding and were crying and say things like 'it's ok the professional is here now these amateurs have no idea'

That's why.

Haven't rtft but just about too...

A quick look at my posting history will reveal that I have a 'toxic' mil.
It was clear from the beginning that no one was going to take her son away from her and I certainly wasn't good enough.

Dh didn't have a good relationship with her anyway because she's controlling and possessive, I felt sorry for her and included her in everything as a result. Every time I showed her any kindness she threw it back in my face, she is never going to get used to the fact that her little boy has his own family now.

I love the threads on here about lovely mils. I wish I had one...

Kerala thats just our situation too.

Kerala -spot on. Mil and dh don't get on well. consequently dh avoids her. They have overtly expected me to bridge the gap.

I now understand completely why dh has never wanted to spend time with pil.
I used to feel sorry for them and try to help the relationship. Not now since they told dh to leave me.

With some MIL threads, you just don't know what's come before it.

Example, my PILs bought OH and I a car. We were skint, our car died, they live 300 miles away so we need a car to see each other. We had every intention of saving up but out of the blue PIL told us there was one waiting for us on their drive. Lovely.

A week later they caused an awful fuss and threatened to disown DP because we wouldn't drive there every weekend. The car was clearly given to us so that they could hold it over us and make demands and control us. We got a loan and sent them the money for the car and told them to get lost.

So a year later, I'm angry and worked up because PIL are paying for us all to go on holiday. On the surface, I must have looked like the DIL from hell, but I was so suspicious about their intentions and couldn't afford to pay them back when it all went tits up.

In fact there are numerous things that on the surface make me look like a DIL megabitch, but seriously... PIL woes are real.

Also I have to say the early post about the presents to the 'new daughter' has made me think: what if it were the other way around?

What if a DIL wrote 'to my new mum' on her MILs presents? Yes some might think it's lovely, but I bet a lot of you would find it weird.

In my parents case it was a difficult FIL - my granddad lived with us and there were constant battles between my Grandfather and my father to be the patriarch in the house. We loved GF at the time but only as we got older realised how much he undermined my father at every turn - buying us sweets etc in secret, if we got in trouble for something circumventing the punishment, badmouthing my dad to us constantly and also anyone else who would listen. It was all about control and being the top dog at home on my grandfather's part, he knew he was getting older and more feeble and didn't like the loss of power.

I think the trouble with some mils from personal experience is that they have a fixed idea of what it will be like when their son brings home a girl, gets married, has children ect.

Its clear that my mil expected to be in control of our lives together, but I was her son's escape, and she doesn't like that.

What if a DIL wrote 'to my new mum' on her MILs presents? Yes some might think it's lovely, but I bet a lot of you would find it weird.

I think that the potential for weirdness comes from the fact that you only get one mum, but you can have more than one kid.

It's interesting isn't it.

I do think it's all about control here. Controlling people can be the loveliest most kind as long as you do exactly as they say and have no opinions of your own as an adult.

Controlling people can be wonderful with kids because kids do as they say and don't question.

Controlling people are often fantastic if you are vulnerable and need help/support but then carp and bitch and criticise you when you are doing well and coping.

They need to be needed and worshiped and in charge and unchallenged.

The arrival of grandchildren brings out the worst in these types as they struggle to take a back seat with the parents and think they should be in charge.

Haven't put that well but I know that's my control freak dad.

So many of the apparently 'petty' issues fall into the category of not listening to someone and not recognising them as a human being.

A critical remark that is just someone blowing off steam when said once becomes a devastating and personal attack when repeated over and over. A gesture that might seem nice on the surface becomes a negative power play if you've been asked repeatedly not to make it. Helping someone out in the kitchen is an act of aggression if they have repeatedly made it clear they would like you to sit down.

Listen, and react to what you hear, and try to see your in laws as people not as units to be bossed or controlled or ignored. It's ALL about context in the majority of these cases.

I think many problems stem from expectations. With my exP's mum, she expected me to do whatever she said (as that's what her son had done before he met me) and I expected to be able to make decisions with exP without consulting anyone (because that's what I'm like with my own family). Had we both been able to adjust those expectations all would have been well. Initially she would try to dictate, then I'd react by cutting her out of decisions altogether. The reason I blame her for the breakdown in my relationship with her, however, is that I recognised that I needed to adjust, and every time I did she just got more pushy with the next thing. IMO we were both wrong for having such absolute expectations, but its the failure to adjust those expectations which causes the biggest problems.

Not read the whole thread but I'll add my thoughts.

Just be nice, don't be controlling, don't offer unsolicited advice repeatedly, don't criticise them, don't make passive aggressive comments, let them know you're there for support but don't impose yourself.

Just be a nice, normal, reasonable human being and all should be well.

Exactly. Be nice and don't try to control.

One more. Dgdc are not your second chance at being a parent. They are someone else's child.

Controlling people can be the loveliest most kind as long as you do exactly as they say and have no opinions of your own as an adult.

isn't that the bloody truth.

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hesterton's advice is perfect.

though agreed that some people aren't that nice and if they become a DIL or MIL, they're not going to be nice ones!

My MIL is a dream. Interested when she sees us, but not over invested in our little family. She loves us, but doesn't rely on us for her happiness.

My DM on the other hand is exactly the kind of 'there's my baby', jealous of BFing crazy person that lots of posters are describing on here.

Don't be so certain all mothers and daughters are close. There's a lot of variables in family dynamics.

And as for the op, I think your ability to swiftly dismiss something that many posters have described as important to them as ridiculously petty suggest you are right to be worried about being a nightmare MIL.

You don't have to get it. You just have to not be a dick about it.

I have a colleague with three sons, all in their 20's, all still living at home being fed, watered, clothes washed. 2 of them have girl friends and my colleague boasted that she'd insisted her sons had to be at home with her for Christmas Day. She will be one difficult mil.

"(sample - you are my son I can treat you how I like)."

I've had that literally from my mother. She shrieks and rants and raves and has a real go at any perceived slight and she became an absolute nightmare after our DS came along.

Passive aggressive, controlling, manipulative, always critical. "You haven't phoned me in a week". "You haven't been to see your Gran yet." "You haven't brought DS to see ne for 2 weeks". "You only phone when you want something."

They had promised us so much help but when we tried to go and visit they would be out. It was all a power play, teaching us a lesson because we had a quiet day just the 3 of us on my wife's birthday.

I tried to make peace and asked her very gently to stop being so quick to have a go and to stop speaking to me and shouting in the way she did.

"I'm your mother, i'll speak to you however I like!" Followed by more ranting and raving.

That was 14 months ago. We have been NC since. I'm happier to be honest and I know it's sad to say that, but it's true.

Couldn't agree more with hihoho, post about controlling people.

I often think the underlying issue is that some MiLs think - when the DiL comes into their lives - that they are a new addition to the existing family unit. Whereas the DiL will most often think that she is creating a new family unit with her DH. You can see how so many of the issues discussed on here can arise from this fundamental conflict of which family unit you're part of.

So - calling someone your daughter could be a way of claiming them as part of your family unit. Or demanding visits, which is reasonable if you're all part of one family unit, but not if you're separate units. Or asserting your 'right' to feed your grandchildren whichever way you like. Or calling them 'my babies'. Any one of those things might be quite innocent in themselves but could also add up to a pattern of behaviour which aims to put the MiL in ultimate charge of her DS and DiL.

The only advice that MiLs should follow is LET GO. Let them leave your family and go and form one of their own. You will find your own role in that new family but it will evolve naturally and not as a result of imposing your own expectations on how families should operate.

The very first time I neet MIL she told DH, in front of me, that she didn't like me.

She cried loudly throughout our small registry office wedding. DH hissed at her that it wasn't a funeral. She answered she wished it were.

I woke up from an op after a miscarriage to find her peering at me. She said she was glad I had lost the baby because she didn't think me and DH knew each other well enough yet.

She told people I had died and DH was desperate for her to move in with him and DD so he could have a proper family at last.

This is only a tiny amount of the shit she comes out with.
The fact that I hate her has nothing to do with me being a horrible DIL.

Not read the whole thread, but I really like my MIL. She's absolutely lovely and kind and has always made me feel very welcome to be part of her family. I've not been well lately and she's called regularly to ask how I'm getting on, and takes an interest in me. I'm very lucky to have her.

That I can treat you how I like comment - mil actually said that to dh, used those exact words.

I cringe for her as I can see her destroying her relationship with her son - pure car crash to watch. She has zero emotional intelligence or self awareness. Utterly hypocritical too. They do something (turn down a visit) that's fine but if we do it we get ranting over the phone and poison pen letters. We also get being " not spoken to" our crimes unspecified.

She also parrots that awful cliche about a son being your until he takes a wife. Again, much easier to believe this then examine the reasons why your son and family don't want to spend time with you.

Dh and I get on perfectly well with all the other adults in our lives ...

The answer is not to have expectations. Of course they won't all be with you every year in Christmas Day- they will have another half of the family or they may simply wish to have it by themselves at home. They may not want children, they may emigrate to the other side of the World, they may have completely different ideas to yours. If you have done a good job of being a parent they will want to spend time with you, but just 'go with the flow'.

If you start off with 'it takes a village.......' idea and you make sure that you have a life that is outside being a mother there won't be a problem (unless you are very unlucky).
You can see early on those likely to be bad MILs, they are the ones that are 'devoted' to their children. This may be fine at the very start but a millstone later on. It is the 'my child, my rules' the 'don't touch my baby brigade. The ones that measure love as in 'do you have a favourite child?' Or 'who do you love most your DH or your DC ? ' as if these things are measurable or love for one takes away for another.
I am not at all surprised that OP is worried , there is plenty to worry if you read MN regularly! You can't be blamed for thinking it all normal in RL. Even so several posters have had a go at her and think it proves she will be a bad MIL!
A lot of my friends are grandmothers and, in general, you really can't tell if it is their son or their daughter with the children. Geography is far more important. My mother has always had more to do with my brother and family simply because she lives near them.

Oh yes, we had the 'how's MY boy?' comments.
One day I answered sweetly: 'he's fine, he'll be home from work soon'

She also had a go at a cousin who happened to visit whilst it was his mother's birthday - told him he should be at home for his mum's birthday!!!

Nutter.