Dreading becoming a hated MIL

[FlatOnTheHill]

I have read so many MIL threads on MN and many of the attacks on MILs are for such petty, ridiculous and unnecessary reasons it makes for uncomfortable reading.
Does anyone else dread the thought of their DS's one day marrying a controlling MIL hater.

In fairness to mil and my mother, they both mean to be kind, but there are often strings attached to the kindness which can sometimes leave a bitter taste.

When my pregnant dil was on holiday I was feeding their cats and noticed that they, like me, had a big pile of ironing. My first impulse was to do it for them to help out.

I stopped and put it to the mumsnet jury.

Opinions were divided on me being an angel or an interfering old bat. I left it.

If that had been my dds I would have just ironed without a moments hesitation as I know that would have been fine, knowing my dds they would leave it out on purpose.

When they returned I mentioned to ds that I would have done it but didn't want to interfere. Later got a text off lovely dil saying feel free to interfere anytime

But I didn't cross the line until invited with dil. That's the difference.

You sound like a lovely MIL, Hiho. I wish I had one as nice as you. I would have liked to be friends with mine.

Geranium, I know all about the strings. I completely understand.

Ambroxide

So sad that they act like idiots. They loose in the end though. Nasty minds.

Can I add another to Treats list?

1. Advent calenders that will require a lot of work and money every year from me.

MIL handed me a dreary every shade of brown tapestry of buildings, with inch square pockets advent calender. I asked her what I was meant to put in the tiny pockets, DS1 would be 18 months that xmas, she said a pound coin in each pocket. I said no thank you and handed it back. DS1's first xmas she bought him one that had a quote from the bible behind each door, we are atheist her Son very vocally so.

Mine is very much a case of the straw sledge hammer that broke the camels back. I could write an endless list of 'petty' things, but it's relentless and dull, it is all about her lack of understanding that other people have different needs, wants and taste to her. GC just gave her more ways to piss me off.

Now who's jealous of my Xmas from MIL? Just for context my wardrobe is mostly black and autumnal colours.

scared I've got to ask what the hell is it? And no I'm not jealous

scaredy

Are you not tempted to make her an advent calander with a quote behind every door? Sure you could think of loads to suit.

What is the Christmas present? I hate to say it but it looks like something you might put on a grave. And the pound coin advent calendar for a baby was plain daft..........by the time you're a MIL OP advent calendars might be a thing of the past.

My MIL gave me (every year) a pair of pants with a 10 pound note pinned on to them, but you know it's the thought that counts. DP used to get underpants with a tenner pinned on them.

SO OP no advent calendars and take care with the Christmas presents.

Sorry, it's my xmas present, must proof read better!

Now befor I tell you what it is I must explain she is very generous, but utterly, utterly thoughtless,(she once bought her sons moisturizing cream pods that fitted in one particular electric razor, none of them had the razor) so this is a compromise from mountains of crap I used to get, she buys me a token gift.

It's a pin cushion. The eggcup with crap stuck all over it with a little stuffing in it and a bit of material on top and three pins stuck in. It is all badly made regardless of taste. She handed it to me in an open gift bag whilst the DS's were opening theirs. I hoped this would be good cover for me to look in the bag, try not to laugh and discreetly put it down. She notices I haven't ooooed and arrrrrrred and gushed over it, insists she shows it to me, informs me that they were selling like hot cakes and continued to push it despite huge disinterest and attempts to change the subject.

Hi love it Quote 'There have been nearly 3000 gods so far but only yours actually exists. The others are silly made up nonsense. But not yours, yours is real.' Ricky Gervais

I should also add she is completely unaware anybody/thing but herself, she is so thick skinned it's down right odd. So bizarrely I wasn't being rude to her. It is ALL about how other people see her and her family, not strangely her DS's.

Scaredey, you could make a poppet out of it: pin a picture of her face on it and push the pins in..... Voodoo style.

I think sensitivity is key. As a new parent you choose the name of the baby, you choose its first outfit and decide how to feed and all the ups and downs that go with that. Then comes choosing how to wean, how to feed (vegan etc) and how to educate and choose a personal ethos and philosophy.

If MILs can't see that they've had their turn at being a parent already and HAVE to take a back seat with their GCs then there is a solid reason for all those threads about freaking weird black wearing, gawking and lurking, name dissing/ "first" gift buying and chocolate /sugar/ religion administering MILs who sound like they've all gone off their rockers TBH.

Golf was invented for a reason.

Scaredy
Whether you like your xmas gift or not I think you are bring very cruel. You say your wardrobe is black! What has that got to do with a pin cushion. Does it really matter.
You mentioned the advent she gave that had pockets that you gave her back as she suggested a coin in each pocket when asked. I think you are every MIL s nightmare. This is exactly what I am talking about.

Have to say I agree. What a lot of nit-picking over nothing.

'You've had your turn, it's my turn now' was my mantra to my MIL when my DC were little.

I got sick of saying it. I DID say it, so she was aware of when she was overstepping the mark.

I don't think she ever expected me to stand up to her; her DH and sons were completely in her thrall. She was the Matriarch and expected to dominate me too.

I can see where people are coming from with 'it's my turn' but I really dislike it all the same. Children aren't dolls.

I totally agree Floisme, but when it's that or be stomped over by a MIL who doesn't acknowledge boundaries, it has to be done.

Of all the things one might use to define the awfulness of a mil, I have to say that buying a pin cushion that doesn't go with her dil's wardrobe (mostly black and autumnal colours, for context ) is one almighty self-centred and peevish angle to come from.
And then the cow insisted on showing it to her despite her obvious lack of interest!

I don't know how she puts up with you Scaredy.

It is a bizarre present, that's true!

Maybe she bought it off one of those FB tat selling pages that have been all over MN recently?

I wonder whether the overbearing MILs are the ones with less than satisfactory marriages/friendships themselves.

I'm loving every stage of my children's lives (DS1 is now 28 and living several hundred miles away), DS2 is 15, DD is 17, with SLD. But... I'm also looking forward to having time with DH without them always in tow!

I hope to be as emotionally supportive a MIL as mine is, with a dash more practical support, if needed (MIL is unsteady on her feet).

I think the key is not to be overbearing.

It's just a trinket, a gesture. Ffs.

That would have been used in my house, even though my wardrobe is mainly H&M/Primark hodge-podge. It's nice that she got you something.

And I say that as someone who once got a book of baby names from MIL and SIL "because you can't name a child ...". I wasn't even pregnant at the time, we were having infertility investigations done.

You say your wardrobe is black! What has that got to do with a pin cushion

The issue is that it is thoughtless, it shows a complete disregard for scaredy's taste or likes. It lacks any consideration and people who aren't considerate do tend to try to walk all over other people.

Baroness
Im sure whatever someone does for Scaredy its never right.
I have never read so much crap and nastiness for such small reasons.
Makes me wonder about what has happened to make Scaredy this way?
Because it sure is not normal behaviour.

I am looking forward to being a MIL; I would like to have another woman around I think (my mum is dead, my sister is difficult and I live with 3 men/men-in-training). My own MIL is hard work and Step-MIL is kind but far away DH keeps them both at arms length

I am already resolved to follow hesterton's excellent advice when this happens.

On the flip side, DH has informed me that we will settle in the same town as wherever the first child to reproduce settles down form an orderly queue for my boys, prospective DILs!!