Dreading becoming a hated MIL

[FlatOnTheHill]

I have read so many MIL threads on MN and many of the attacks on MILs are for such petty, ridiculous and unnecessary reasons it makes for uncomfortable reading.
Does anyone else dread the thought of their DS's one day marrying a controlling MIL hater.

I get the opposite vibe - why the fuck would you have anything to do with a MIL like that?

I think that if you treat your child like an adult once they become one, you should be fine. A lot of IL seem crazy because they are treating their adult children like children. You can have boundaries and be loving.

I get on really well with my dil, but no gcs from them yet, I hope that doesn't change anything.

I fear nemesis.

I was a crap DIL to my first MIL. About 99.9% of any issues we had rose from my over eager anticipation of MILSterotypes and a bog standard case of immaturity.

I kind of deserve a DIL of the same flavour.

Given I have a (15 yo) son I am hoping I get the same luck I got when I got him. I was not the sort of child/teenager I would like to parent, whereas sister was an angel. And I gave birth to a male clone of her. Result !

All I need now is a matching set. A future DIL like DSis. She's a great DIL, her FIL and late MIL think/thought the world of her, for very good reason.

I'm hoping the same "destiny and karma" (neither of which I actually believe in) accounting error that gave me DS stays undetected til he is ready to make a commitment to a woman. Or man. I'm not bothered which. Just as long as it's not payback time.

I have heard fellow mums of boys say things such as, 'I'm dreading not being number one woman in his life.'

Inwardly I think, right there is the makings of a difficult MIL. I want my ds to become independent, leave home and yes fall in love and have a happy marriage. I try to teach him equality and he sees his dad treat me with respect and love. I want him to be good husband material!

I find it creepy and dysfunctional this idea that your ds should still revere you over his wife. And to be honest by that stage I want my children to be free and as I said independent. So I can focus a bit more on myself after years of being a sahm.

My MIL is awesome, very sweet and doesn't interfere. She does make suggestions from time to time, but delicately worded and at appropriate times. she's even more tactful than I am

Oh I want hesterton to be my MIL. That would be wonderful.

Just don't be ridiculous and you'll be fine. You are reading the extreme cases here.

Like my MIL who opens her son's post (he still has the occasional letter delivered there), has told us where we will be sending our (currently unconceived) children to school, and told me that she will be bringing them up herself.

Bad MILs are the ones who haven't accepted their sons adulthood and independence.

Start priming yourself for the eventuality that you'll stop being the most important person in his life early. That way, when he replaces you with the DIL as the most important person, you can view it with happiness that he is happy, that your family is grown etc.

Really. I genuinely believe that viewing independence/moving out/growing up with as little sadness and no resentment whatsoever is the only healthy way to prevent evil MIL-ness.

I agree Shaffron I find that attitude very weird. I don't understand parents who treat adukts like children and constantly interfere in their lives

Nope, I am going to be lovely to any future potential DILs.

I don't hate my MIL at all. She's lovely.

Adults even

My MiL is wonderful. She is interesting, clever, funny and good company. We are different generations and so have different views on things but over the years our views have come closer as I understand a bit more about being a mother myself and she learns more about how things can be done in the 21st century.

She has really helped when I have been in trouble, she has looked after the kids in an emergency, and is very supportive. I love her very much.

Haven't rtft yet.. But I will.
I'm absolutely terrified about being a mil. It's a horrible thought.
It's easy for people to say just to be nice but it's still not the same, I would always go to my dm rather than my mil. Not because we don't get on, we get on amazingly, but she's not my mum.

No. I've already explained to my ds that no one will ever be good enough for him or love him as much as I do. He's only 5 months old but seems ok with it so far!

I do think that all the parenting advice we think is so spot on now, will become dreadfully old fashioned though. And I will be sitting there biting my lip not to point out that they are doing it wrong compared to my day. I am absolutely determined not to give any advice unless specifically asked.

I am also slightly worried that DS1's girlfriend of four years, and likely candidate for DiL, is from a different culture to us and so may have quite different ideas about a lot of child rearing things. Again, I intend to just keep my gob shut. She is lovely and I would hate to fall out with her.

I don't worry.

Neither my mum & MIL problem behaviours will not be repeated by me!

Don't walk into your daughter in law's front room, look at the baby, discovered we have put away the jumperoo to make more room for Christmas stuff and say "oh what a disappointment" as mine did recently! How was I to know she wanted a turn in the jumperoo so badly!

I think the 'dont be a dick and you'll be fine' comments are missing a point. If AIBU is anything to go by there are just as many horrendous daughter in laws out there.

It needs commitment from both parties.

Don't try to grab the baby away from your BF DIL all the time and you will be fine.
Ask if there is anything you can do and if they say "no thanks" then listen and don't interfere.

no one will ever be good enough for him or love him as much as I do.

I know you are joking about your gorgeous snuggly baby, but you've basically just summed the problem up in a nutshell.

I want my DS to meet a nice partner and be independent. Very, very independent indeed.

I am a MIL and have learned so much from MN about how to treat my DD and SIL.

I treat SIL kindly and with consideration and make sure he knows I love him. I don't take sides and I try hard to be supportive and not to give advice without being asked for it. I don't invite myself to stay and when I do stay, since dgd arrived, I try to look after them because they're usually knackered. So I will cook meals, tidy up, offer to entertain dgd while they get a rest.

It's a flipping hard path to steer at times though and I'm sure I don't get it right all the time. But I am aware of what I should be aiming for in terms of not being the MIL of doom.

"I'm dreading not being number one woman in his life.'"

Indeed. Totally fucked up worldview for any mother. Possessiveness is always wrong.

Do DIL interfere ?
Give their opinions all the time?
Overide the MIL/PIL?
Erm no.
I would love to see a DIL do this ,but they don't.
They would just like to be treated with respect, not as a baby incubator and for their MIL to fuck off when they are BF !!!