Dreading becoming a hated MIL

[FlatOnTheHill]

I have read so many MIL threads on MN and many of the attacks on MILs are for such petty, ridiculous and unnecessary reasons it makes for uncomfortable reading.
Does anyone else dread the thought of their DS's one day marrying a controlling MIL hater.

I think a big factor in this is that a lot of women (not all) are very, very easily upset or angered. You only need one of these in the relationship and it's a problem for anyone.

lord you are completely right.

It's not all about us mothers of boys saying 'well I'm not a bitch and I know I'm not so it'll be okay...' No you probably aren't, but if the future DIL is easily upset or angered, you'll always look bad.

I worry about my DS leaving home and having GC's. I want to be there so much, but that honour seems to be bestowed upon the girl's family.

I do think it can be hard to marry and 'take on' your husband's family in itself.

I am a completely different person to my MIL and FIL. They value things I don't (and many things I do) and they are just so different. I come from a very emotionally open family who talks everything through and my Inlaws are doers and not talkers.

We have found common ground now and I can fit in with them when I am with them but for a long time I felt the differences quite difficult and uncomfortable. Our ways and ideas of parenting are polar opposite and I found it hard that we couldn't have very open conversations about how we feel, which is something I was brought up to do and something my family does very naturally so any issues are ironed out when they happen.

I enjoy my in-laws company now and appreciate the differences but it wasn't easy to start with. I often felt inferior because we were so different (completely my issue) and they are very middle class and quite well off and that was not my upbringing at all. I do look forward to seeing them now though and often speak to my MIL to see how she is and what's she been up to.

You marry and then you get his/her family and sometimes they are people you would never socialise with if you had a choice and then you are expected to all get on and spend a lot of time with them. That is often going to be difficult before you even factor in other issues.

I have a fantastic MIL and I really think she loves me like she would have if I would have been her daughter. She never interfered, offered advice but only rarely and didn't care if I took it or not.

She texts me almost daily with little things she knows I am interested in, or sometimes just to see if I am ok and I don't see this as stalking. She picks up DD from school twice a week and had her twice a week since I have gone back to work when DD was 2 (now 8).

She never said anything negative about me and she thinks I am amazing and DH jokes about her loving me more than him.

On the other hand I think I am a fantastic DIL also. I never cared about this "first to do something" in my life but it is true that she didn't try to take over important stuff like feeding baby the first time. But I didn't care about who buys the first advent calendar or shoes or jacket or whatever. I appreciated the presents and if I didn't like it the DCs didn't wear it. I think it is petty (except when health is involved) to care because I bet most DIL would not complain if MIL buys the first expensive pram or cot as instructed by the parents. MIL asks almost always what DCs want for Christmas/birthdays but I don't care if they chose to buy extra stuff additionally.

I often call them to have them for dinner, sometimes in the winter months weekly as they love my cooking and I also miss them.

I hope I'll be a MIL just like her but I also hope I get a DIL just like me.

DS is 15 so I'll have to wait and see.

Oh and she does do some annoying things obviously but in the big scheme of things it is nothing really. Like she kept asking when can she give baby soft boiled egg and soldiers when baby was 9+ months. Kept telling her it is against the medical advice now days for babies and she didn't do it behind my back therefore it wasn't a deal breaker.

My MIL once said to me,..'I will always be his mother, You won't necessarily always be his wife'
You know what?- she was absolutely right.

I am glad I divorced him but like I have said previously, I could have been much kinder to her as much as she could have been to me.

Even though the picture on MN is definitely skewed, YANBU.
It's not as simple as being nice, as others have said. It also depends on your DIL, she may not like what you think is nice behaviour! Reading some of the posts here, and talking to women in RL, I do think many MILs can't do right for doing wrong, their DILs are determined to take offence. Atomik has written some very good posts which I totally agree with. Many MILs aren't willing to reflect on their own behaviour, but many DILs aren't either! I think that even if you're a genuinely nice MIL, you need a good deal of luck to get on with your DIL.

And I do wonder why anyone would get offended by receiving a present they themselves wanted to buy for their LO. Does no one here have a big family? I do, and we have been given more or less everything that a baby could possibly need, apart from the really boring stuff like sheets and nappies. I could have taken offence dozens of times, there aren't many things I managed to buy for DS that one of our many relatives hadn't already bought.
Anyone who takes offence at an advent calendar or baby's first pair of shoes should get things into perspective.

Eponas I feel the same way you do about my DP! DD is my only and is only 5 months so I can't comment on Mothers of Sons (DPs mum passed away when he was 18 but from what he's told me she would have been awesome if a little intimidating) but I think I'm going to have to get a mini water pistol to squirt at DP when he's being overly harsh to whatever poor lad or indeed lass (he's told me he'd feel the same way regardless) DD chooses, like you do with dogs who jump up or bark too much

I've had ups an downs with mine. I don't think I'm being a good dil at the moment since my Mil told dh to leave me when I was chronically ill. They ignored me through a long illness which was hurtful but I now see it as fear.

They've apologised but I'm struggling a bit. They still come round and we see them lots but I struggle to trust her or regard her as a friend even though they have said sorry.

Working on my forgiving and forgetting

My step-MIL made an effort to get to know me as a person and is very thoughtful - therefore I find it easy to do the same with her. MIL, on the other hand, is completely self-absorbed and so I don't bother with her much. I think there is an element of reaping what you sow with the MIL-DIL relationship (assuming neither party has any particularly intrusive hang-ups or personality traits).

People take offence at such simple things. I remember one thread where the MIL used to arrive and say 'how's my baby?' Which is just a figure of speech, so many posters over analysed it and felt the need to shove down the woman's throat that it wasn't her baby! I have a friend who always talks about 'my babies' and we all know perfectly well that she means grandchildren. Luckily for her she has 2 DDs and they don't read anything into it.
I put it down to insecurity. There is no end of fuss on here about baby advice, particularly feeding. While I don't think it MIL's (or mother's) place to give advice I don't get the angst because you don't have to take it and therefore you don't need to confront, you can just stick with 'mmmm' and ignore.
It may also be DH's fault. Boys seem less inclined to rebel and just go along with things for a quiet life and then it is left to DIL to put her foot down, something that wouldn't have been necessary had her DH started young.

It does need give and take and a desire to want to get on and to come from a family where you are used to this. My youngest son has been going out with his girlfriend for several years and they suddenly said last year that they thought it was odd that their parents hadn't met so they invited us all over at once. Her parents were very pleasant, not surprising because she is. According to MN it is my son and girlfriend who are odd! They simply want nothing to do with the other parents.
I think this must make life difficult when there are children as it is much easier to have them all together at family events. Also odd because if my DS has a DD she could be nothing like him and his wife but a mini version of his MIL, therefore it helps to know the woman.

Blimey But that sounds difficult

On the eve of our wedding, my MIL was getting upset (good start, eh?!). I gave her a hug and to lighten the mood (because weddings are a happy occasion, no?!) I said 'don't worry, I'll look after him for you'.

She gripped me by the shoulders, put her face right up to mine and said intensely 'oh no no no. We will have to share him'.

Thankfully I had wine on board, skipped away to my mum's car and had a giggle with her about it on the way home. DH was mortified.

Try not to start your MIL/DIL relationship by being bonkers possessive and crying throughout 90% of the wedding preparations and event itself, and you will probably be fine. 😂

Things with my MIL escalated when I had DD. The good old BF vs FF debate, asking me if I really had PND (no, the GP just gives out ADs for fun these days!). Collaring DH when I was in the toilet and asking him whether he agreed with the feeding choices we were making for DD, trying to buy baby food for DD (we did BLW; she eventually succeeded in trying to feed her a jar when I wasn't there at 12 months old, DD apparently looked at her as if she was mad and ate DH's sandwich).

The way to have a good relationship with another reasonable person is easy; just ask them what works for them and LISTEN to the response! Remember that they may well have different values and principles to you, ask what they are and try and accommodate them. Don't try and take over. That goes for both MILs and DILs.

(My MIL does it to her daughter as well, so I guess I can't complain too much as she gets the worst end of the stick. MIL cut the cord instead of BIL, did first baths, feeds, first day at school, SIL is pushed out a lot. She relies on MIL for childcare and feels stuck. We avoided this by living a long way away).

With the attitude you have, I feel very sorry for your future DILs already. This is a complete non-issue for you at the moment which suggests you just like to have something on the go to resent and brood over. You've made no effort to understand where DILs may be coming from and are clearly going to spend the next fifteen years primed for the slightest act of unreasonableness to justify your paranoia.

I very much doubt that your DILs will try to pacify you for long, OP. Someone who is as ready for aggro as you are will almost certainly get it.

YABU
Most of what I read on MIL threads doesn't sound petty to me. The language people use and the things they do reveal what they really think, so a supposedly petty action can be so much more than it looks.

We don't hear from the men about MILs but if you have a DD and her DH doesn't like you and doesn't want you around much you are going to be in the same boat.
Start when they are little by having their friends around and getting to know them and gradually let go, don't live your life through your children.

Mmm my dad used to say hows my baby and I found it fucking annoying.

Well I think I do pretty well as a mil.

I love And support my dil. I am grateful she loves my ds. I will always be there for her.

When the baby comes I know it's her time to be a mum now And it's their rules, their parenting. That's fine with me.

I won't grab the baby and sit on my arse holding court while she runs around after me, fuck that.

Also offering free childcare when she goes back to work. And I will listen to her plans for my dgs and support her.

My friends mil gives her a ped egg for her birthday every year! Another's mil cut the child's hair while babysitting! I mean why would anyone do stuff like that.

Twats.

I don't even want to give advice, I imagine that being a grandparent is much more fun because you can relax and leave all the decision making to the parents.

Hihohoho have you thought about writing a book of guidance for MILs?
I wish you were my MIL.

Some DIL are bonkers and choose to make rifts with MIL. My lovely friend has three sons. Two of her DIL are completely family and love her, the other just makes continuous trouble and problems. The whole family have bent over backwards(they are almost horizontal now!!)to try to make things right, but basically the DIL only wants contact with her own family. The son is caught in the middle and MIl is not allowed to see the children. There is nor reason for any of this except that the DIL is not nice!

"Mmm my dad used to say hows my baby and I found it fucking annoying."

Good Lord- why???

My mum always used to arrive at the door, call "Where's my girl?" And dd would come running shouting "Here she is!!!"

I thought it was lovely.

When it's not your child who has given birth, but your child's spouse, it must make it a little more tricky to get things right.

I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of a MIL who is feeling uninvolved compared to the DILs family.

Both my current DH and my XH are/were awful at really keeping in touch with their mothers. It was me who bought b.day cards, and came up with present ideas. Me who reminded him to phone. ''Ring your mum DH, she'll be wondering x, y, z''.

If your pregnant DIL has a good/close relationship with her own mother, and your son is, in contrast, a bit passive when it comes to keeping in touch then you may well find yourself feeling a bit sidelined. One step removed from the intimacy of the mother and baby. A step removed from all the smallest details and plans.

I tried to remember this when i was expecting DD4.

I have to confess, it never crossed my mind with XH and my first 3 DCs years ago. I was v.young. And there was no internet Mumsnet

It's the dgdc that seem to bring conflict.
Has this always been the case? My grandparents used to be round lots but I don't remember them trying to parent me and take over. Or is that just my memory as a kid

Our issues are not mil/dil but mother / son. Mil is very odd and has some strange ideas (sample - you are my son I can treat you how I like). This does not go down well with dh. If it were up to him we would never see his parents. He adores my mother though and suggests meeting up with my parents if we haven't seen them in a while.

It's less hurtful for the mil to blame the "outsider" dil rather than face the fact that she has a rubbish relationship with her own son and that just might be mostly her own fault...