To absolutely HATE HATE staying in my in-laws´ house even though they are kind, decent people?

[savebraveted]

I only do it twice a year for a couple of nights and it turns me into a horrible, huffy, critical meanie. I don't understand what happens to me. Admittedly, it is not a comfortable experience, tiny house, one bathroom for nine people, everyone shouting after bedtime while our 3 kids are trying to sleep, no space to put any of our clothes, no privacy etc.
My MIL is currently snoring in the most repulsive way sitting next to me on a small sofa and I am bored out of my wits while they all discuss their own family matters between themselves.
BUT they tend to our every need, feed us, shower the children with love and affection, the kids enjoy themselves and I don't have to wash up. Obviously part of married life is to share time with families and my DH is lovely with mine.
I turn into this horrible, snobbish person and I just ache to go home. Why the hell can´t I be more accepting and patient? I usually am in other areas of life - I just see this place as total hell....aargh.

What is the hmm face about in reply to it being harmless chatting about it? FFS this is why mumsnet has turned really crap lately. A poster has come on here to vent about how she doesn't enjoy staying at the in laws (but still does anyway) and you are all ripping into her? So she's not allowed to vent on a forum where she is anonymous or feel like she doesn't like it? Jesus effing christ. I actually love my in laws and love staying there but I have no issues if people want a space to vent. Seriously get a fucking grip. What would you rather the op do? Scream in her in laws faces that she hates staying there?! Or are you all so perfect that everything is great in your lives and you NEVER feel the need to have a bit of a rant!

People can rant, people can disagree. Or are you suggesting that everyone should agree with everything now! Last time I checked it's a free country. If you post on a forum some will agree with you some won't.

There are ways and means of saying things.

Telling people to get a fucking grip because they don't agree wuth you or want to post a is quite frankly childish.

You are not the thread police.

It is true that the OP got a right kicking for having the temerity to complain about having to share a bathroom with 9 people. A lot of 'I fear that the wife that my son might choose could be like the OP'. Which does seem a bit like a grip is required.

Don´t worry, I can take getting a right kicking! Even being called the DIL from hell haha. I definitely realise it is my issue not the PILs, and I tell you, having a lovely anonymous rant on Mumsnet stopped me from being tactless and moaning to DH, so have therefore avoid a big Post-Christmas barney, result! The funny posts gave me some of my sense of humour back and I generally maintained a sense of decorum, thank you Mumsnet!!
It has also made me LOVE LOVE my own lovely home sweet home a million times more.

I sometimes feel like ramming my dirty toast knife into the butter dish and smearing it all over the table.

YES YES YES! Me too. This has made me snort.

Totally understand the OP and don't understand all the holier than thou posters who seem to have a tunnel black and white vision!
It's one of those threads where you clearly can see who you wouldn't have an understanding with in RL, for me it's the people who seem to have completely missed the point and came on to say how nasty this thread is, when it's actually mostly quite warm towards the ILs/Parents!

Anyway, I only used to stay with PILs a couple of times when we lived far away, and I was so young and used to roughing it, I never articulated my discomfort properly even to myself. The only thing I did tell people was how after a couple of days my MIL eventually came up to the thermostat (after watching us and a 2 year old GS shivering and trying to wear our outdoor clothes in the house, it was Christmas), and said, okay, I'll turn it up to 15C!

My FIL was divorced from MIL and he and DH really had nothing in common. Visits were tortuous as everyone sat there desperately trying to think of a conversation to have. Because nobody was relaxed, you couldn't just watch the telly or sit quietly. Picking up a phone or a book would have been bad.
At 9pm he would announce it was bed time, lock up and turn off the lights and make it clear you couldn't stay up. I'm an owl but even lark DH was wtf. So you had to spend an hour or two sitting in the two single beds in the spare room.
Then he's get up at 5.30 and grumble about people being lazy. "Oh you missed breakfast!"
And return to awkward silence....

My PIL are very lovely, welcoming people but I understand what you mean by the feelings of claustrophobia & boredom. I suppose we all feel like that at some point when we stay in someone else's house for an extended time. Doesn't make you a bad person at all, you just need to find other things of your own to break up the time, e.g. walks, going out for lunch, etc.

What I find helpful is to pack some drinks and an ipad/portable dvd player, and then in the evening I'll go up to bed a bit earlier and relax with a tv series and a glass of wine. Its nice to have some home comforts and gives you a chance to have some down-time

Also - bring a memory foam mattress topper. They make a huge difference to your quality of sleep.

Part of it also is the feeling that we're being wrong, somehow. My MIL, like many of these, is lovely. Warm, etc. But quite apart from the weird insistence on feeding everyone all the time (she doesn't actually feed you too much or too often, but she does start discussing what the dinner preparations will be while you're partway through lunch) there's not that much else to do. And then what? I spend the entire time feeling like I should be doing more to compensate for being a guest - should I clean the bathroom? Is that rude or polite? DH is lounging around on the couch with his shoes in everyone's way, will they think I'm a bad guest if I don't tidy them away for him? Am I allowed to go for a walk? Are they wishing that I'd go for a walk and get out of their hair? Are they actually desperate for some time reading a book themselves and feel obligated to sit around and chat?

And then there's the kids, who are expected to sit through long meals full of adult conversation and then go to sleep in strange beds in rooms next to a group of loudly chatting adults - in our case, the kids' room didn't even have a door. Or a wall, really - and not watch kids' TV because Gran likes the news, and at the SAME TIME be on their best behaviour constantly. And if they're not, it reflects on me.

I hate every second of it. This year I brought some knitting, which helped a bit. But still. It's the pressure to be a good person, with perfect children, while all my usual tools are taken away.

Also - bring a memory foam mattress topper. They make a huge difference to your quality of sleep.

Bleugh. I'd rather sleep in the car!

GiddyOnZackHunt,

Posts like yours do make me wonder(not critically, genuinely curious) why did you go(and stay) at all? I understand when some posters go for the sake of their DHs, but you say they had nothing in common and - I suppose -didn't miss each other. Doesn't sound like FIL enjoyed your visits either! Why did you go, did he insist you come and visit out of some sense of decorum?

I'm definitely not going to visit anyone any more just to tick the box, or if it's desperately uncomfortable for me, if it's ever needed for the sake of DH/DC, I'll just do everything possible to dispatch them by themselves..

My worst stay somewhere was actually not with anyone, but in a one bedroom apartment my mother bought in a Southern European country, and invited us(6 of us, eldest late teens, youngest toddler, studio apartment, +35-40 outside every day, one bathroom) to use it as a holiday place. She initially planned to come and stay there herself at the same time, but then realised it would have been unworkable, space-wise. Due to the heat/space/boredom/childcare issues it turned out to be a holiday from hell, my DH and I were seriously thinking of breaking up by the end of it, even though the apartment had a balcony with the view of the sea and was 7 min walk from the (awful) beach. We were soooo frazzled by the end of our stay, if we could, we would have left earlier. Had my mother been there, it would have been a post about how we stayed with DM and how horrendous it all was, and how we were never going back

But actually her presence would have been incidental, might have made some things worse, some things better, but it was just about finding ourselves in really testing circumstances (while looking forward for some R&R). My DM couldn't praise the flat/location high enough as a holiday place, which we realised was true for 1 or two people, totally, but not for a family with kids of different ages and interests at the height of summer in a hot country.

Lots of posts on here are similar in the sense that people are going to see family in their time off, so there might be some subconscious expectation of a break, but actually end up feeling more tired by the end of the 'holiday' due to the constraints of living under someone else's rules and plain discomfort of small/hard beds, shared bathrooms, paper thin walls etc.

But it's funny to discuss idiosyncrasies of one's family :). I'm looking forward to being a MIL and if SILs and DILs want to stay, they would be allowed a free run of the house, I'm very laid-back, but I'm sure they would find things to amuse/puzzle them. This thread actually helps in identifying and trying to prevent potential discomforts experienced by family staying round.

This thread really highlights that we don't talk to each other enough. The worst part of the situations being discussed is feeling trapped in them because speaking up might cause offence. So my number one tip for dealing with my future DIL will be to try and foster an atmosphere where I and she can say what we do and don't want.

This thread really highlights that we don't talk to each other enough.

No to me it highlights that we talk too much. Particularly when in enclosed spaces with other people for long periods of time.

Look sometimes it isn't to do with the other person. I now know that I'm a curmudgeonly soul and I prefer being in my own house with my own bed and my own space, no matter how welcoming and lovely the hosts may be. It's just to do with getting older and being used to doing things my own way.

I hadn't looked at it that way!
My family is very good at the 'everyone doing their own thing happily in the same room and not necessarily talking' thing. My DH found it seriously weird when he first met them. In his family, if you are quietly doing your own thing in a family gathering it is seen as unfriendly and rude. So, I just thought telling people what you want was the way to deal with discomforts, but I take your point.

You are right, it so depends on the family myfavourite.

I think my DM gets a bit lonely when it's just her and DF so she absolutely loves company and just won't stop talking. It's lovely for a short period of time, but I'd forgotten with an overnight stay - in fact two nights - just how wearing I found it over a long period. I couldn't say anything to her as it would hurt her dreadfully, so we deal with it in our own way which is by going for long walks or playing board games where we get to interact but in a more focused way.

nodowntime DH felt obligated. Not sure if FIL had any idea how uncomfortable his guests were because he seemed to think that everything was rosy with him and the DC. I wasn't girly or dim and he had some issues about women. Bloody stupid charade. And if I hadn't gone it would have been disapproved of hugely. DH of course never understood that dads could actually interact naturally with their dc before seeing my family at rest!