To absolutely HATE HATE staying in my in-laws´ house even though they are kind, decent people?

[savebraveted]

I only do it twice a year for a couple of nights and it turns me into a horrible, huffy, critical meanie. I don't understand what happens to me. Admittedly, it is not a comfortable experience, tiny house, one bathroom for nine people, everyone shouting after bedtime while our 3 kids are trying to sleep, no space to put any of our clothes, no privacy etc.
My MIL is currently snoring in the most repulsive way sitting next to me on a small sofa and I am bored out of my wits while they all discuss their own family matters between themselves.
BUT they tend to our every need, feed us, shower the children with love and affection, the kids enjoy themselves and I don't have to wash up. Obviously part of married life is to share time with families and my DH is lovely with mine.
I turn into this horrible, snobbish person and I just ache to go home. Why the hell can´t I be more accepting and patient? I usually am in other areas of life - I just see this place as total hell....aargh.

This thread is feck all to do with women putting down older women! Annoying PILS have had their share here and my DH complains far more bitterly than me about staying with his DPs.

If anything this a thread about how, despite loving and caring for the people you're with, when you're not in your own environment for an extended period, some of us become mardy children and silly shit that doesnt matter annoys us.

The odd meal times comment reminds me:
In laws don't eat lunch. No idea why.
But when we stay and want lunch (like normal people) we're alway met with the same overacted surprise, evey single time.
"Well we don't need lunch" with implications about how greedy we are, before reluctantly giving us a small amount to eat.

PS. It's FIL who is the main complaint here, I've also read lots of comments about FILs so not sure where the "getting at older women" comment comes from.

For those with boys dreading being a MIL, beware of self fulfilling prophecies.

My mother would passive aggressively moan for years about not having daughters, how "a daughter's a daughter all of her life, a son's a son till he takes a wife".

Then I got married. And we were very nice to her for years but still she persisted with this fallacy and in the end I got sick of her demands and never being satisfied with how I tried to include her in my life. She believed she was being usurped and became a total pain. It was all in her head.

Now we are NC.

Before we had DCs we used to go and stay overnight with the IL's. Thanfully we had our own shower room so no need for bathroom sharing - it was a house they had renovated so they had designed a sort of guest end of the house on the 1st floor. We stayed a few times once the DCs were born but could actually travel as we had moved nearer so didn't stay that often.

Then IL's moved to somewhere a 4 hour drive away - no choice but to stay when visiting. Thanfully, they chose a house which was another building project and had a one bed holiday cottage in the garden. They lived in the cottage whilst the house was renovated but once they had moved in, it left the cottage available for guests. MIL fills the guest fridge with the makings of cooked breakfasts and supplies bread,milk,cereal,jams,tea,coffee and WINE. We have dinner with them in their house but as they live in a tourist destination we are free to do our own thing in the day and see them in the evenings. The alcohol flows freely (in proper size glasses) at the appropriate times.

I can only conclude from their choice of properties that they find having house guests as stifling as house guests find it - hence the arrangements - which work well for us!

Bigbluebus that sounds perfect.

thegiddylimit come back! You have to explain the 'boils cheap wine' thing. I am actually te,pted to stalk you to find out

I was imagining some sort of mulled wine affair, Jux.

I think the criticisms of this thread are a bit overheated, as are some of the complaints about PIL. And I agree with people saying the thread was really more general, and fundamental-it is about how being in another household where things are done differently is hard, at least after a few days.

I don't think acknowledging that (and laughing about it) is all that harmful, provided we all also acknowledge the need to be polite and tolerant. not to mention the inevitability of children and their spouses finding all of us equally annoying and irrational at some future date.

DH and I sometimes make each other laugh (and think) pretending to be our DC complaining about us in years to come.

I agree it is useful and fascinating to understand why we find other people's houses so hard to stay in.

I stayed with my lovely aunt sometimes. She was wonderful. My cousins were fun. But God, I got so so homesick.

I still do (get homesick).

Well my MIL and FIL would tell you staying in our house drives them mad because:
We often don't eat at the table
We only have one bathroom- and I don't like sharing either
I am forever cooking vegetarian food- which they don't mind occasionally but are presented with it most meals

Still love us and we them

I absolutely disagree with those posters who are offended by this thread.
It's not a thread about how PILs are by nature difficult, it's about specific situations with difficult PILs.
I

I'm fascinated by the wine boiling too!

I just don't like being away from home. I think it's a sign of getting older...

I adore my parents, but they keep their house like a show house.

They follow me around with the vacuum cleaner and do a full house clean every day.

One can only eat in the kitchen - even a cup of tea can only be consumed there.

The kitchen "closes" at nine pm and one must not eat or drink after that time. One night, I was desperate for a cup of tea at 9.15 pm. My dad was appalled and not happy at all.

They are very strict with their routines. My mum demanded I get out of bed at 7 am so she could launder my bed linen. I had flu and felt rank but she turfed me out anyway.

On the subject of wine... My parents drink very little and were horrified when I asked for a second thimbleful glass of nasty low alcohol wine. However, as I am currently trying to curb my long standing overuse of booze, it might be an idea to visit them... Cheaper than rehab.

I'm enjoying this thread. I don't think it's an ageist issue at all, more a look at some family quirks and our need for space and privacy.

I used to love staying with my ex in laws - they were great hosts and it was always fun and relaxing. I still like going there now!

Mil is just a different kettle of fish. She once made such a fuss when we were there (totally insisting on giving up her bed to sleep on the sofa despite having a 3 bed house..!) I was so horrified I offered to stay in a hotel the next time we went to save putting her out. That went down like a ton of shit so we're still going there and she's still making a fuss (although she slept in the spare room this time.)

I cannot tell you how uncomfortable it makes me to have to sleep in her room.
She just won't put us anywhere else even though we ask every time. She has to pop in to retrieve her stuff at regular intervals and the walls are paper thin so we can't even talk freely.

The sad thing is that she's lonely and we would go far more often if it were more bearable. Distance means we'd have to stay though, and there's the issue.

I took the precaution of marrying a man whose parents live in Foreign Parts, in a house with no spare room, so we are forced to stay in a hotel when we visit thank god. I felt I owed it to myself after a lifetime of coping with my DM. She can sense a disturbance in The Force if milk is served straight from the carton/bottle. Even my colleagues are aware of this and remind each other to put milk in a jug "or Shiny's mother will know"

The funniest thing my parents do is have their sitting room lights on a timer and when they go off the room is plunged into darkness and they say right that's it all off to bed! Even if you mid tv program / conversation! Dh and I rebelled and refused to be told to go to bed by a flipping light!

I just don't understand people. Especially those who are upset about this thread. If you're able to put up with sleeping on saggy sofa and share toilet with 9 people, doesn't meet everyone else has to.

I also hate staying in other people's houses, I need my privacy, hate being "on" all the time and trying to keep two little boys in their best behaviour for more than couple of hours. I'm knackered after those visits.

I really like my husband's family but luckily he's on the same page with me and quite likes to book a hotel time to time. Luckily his family is fine with this too.

Shiney!!!
Still discussing me with outsiders!Just fetch a (spotlessly clean)jug!!!

I opened this thread to agree with you. I also hate staying with my IL's but realise it is a bit irrational of me.

However your comments about her 'repulsive' snoring and bitching about them chatting about family matters makes me think you are DiL from hell!

Snoring is repulsive though. Does anyone find it nice? She didn't say the MIL who snored was repulsive just that the snoring was. I really really hate sharing a room with a snorer. Thankfully it rarely happens. If my bloke snored we'd have separate bedrooms.

My husband snores and he sleeps pretty much every night in the guest room. It is horrible.

I agree with this wholeheartedly: If you're able to put up with sleeping on saggy sofa and share toilet with 9 people, doesn't meet everyone else has to.

gotthemoononastick

Sorry, Mum

We can do family trips to Yorkshire on the train in a day there and back. It works really well at present. With Newcastle we would usually either stay there one night or do Yorkshire and Newcastle one night after the other or just pop over from Yorkshire relatives to Newcastle for a day.

My mother used to stay here - very large big house outer London and liked being away from my father a bit I think. Sometimes she'd stay in a hotel which is fine too. I always understood that having all that peace and privacy you get in a hotel is nice too for a time. I am relaxed and happy with either. Now I have my own first grandchild too I was delighted they stayed at Christmas - one night but if they had wanted to come for the day or whatever that's fine too.

In fact given my parents argued unto death after 50 years+ married it was always easier at in laws than their (although both had a detached house so not too cramped).

My in-laws are absolutely lovely, have plenty of space and will normally pour me fairly large glasses of wine and I still cannot stay with them for more than 2 days. I feel absolutely claustrophobic.