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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To absolutely HATE HATE staying in my in-laws´ house even though they are kind, decent people?

191 replies

savebraveted · 05/01/2016 14:01

I only do it twice a year for a couple of nights and it turns me into a horrible, huffy, critical meanie. I don't understand what happens to me. Admittedly, it is not a comfortable experience, tiny house, one bathroom for nine people, everyone shouting after bedtime while our 3 kids are trying to sleep, no space to put any of our clothes, no privacy etc.
My MIL is currently snoring in the most repulsive way sitting next to me on a small sofa and I am bored out of my wits while they all discuss their own family matters between themselves.
BUT they tend to our every need, feed us, shower the children with love and affection, the kids enjoy themselves and I don't have to wash up. Obviously part of married life is to share time with families and my DH is lovely with mine.
I turn into this horrible, snobbish person and I just ache to go home. Why the hell can´t I be more accepting and patient? I usually am in other areas of life - I just see this place as total hell....aargh.

OP posts:
Original poster
savebraveted · 05/01/2016 18:51

Ahh trust Mumsnet to make me feel I am not alone (right or wrong!). I don´t think we are all monsters, just venting things online that we probably feel too guilty to talk to anyone in real life about! I try very very hard not to freak out at DH because he loves being here.
Can totally relate to the regression thing - DH walks in, lies on the sofa and farts proudly, while MIL runs around tending to his every whim and folding all his clothes scarily lovingly. Then they all start discussing their latest illnesses and aches and pains, and no one ever asks me anything about me, my life etc.
It´s also the personal space thing - I am a very private person and I hate that I have to walk through the living room where there is usually someone sleeping to go to the loo in the night. Can´t put a clock or glass of water next to me, when the baby wakes up at night I trip and fall over all the crap in the room we are staying in and I feel like everyone is listen silently right next door when I go to the loo.
My DH grew up in a very small flat with a lot of family squashed into it so he thinks its all wonderful. And they were all happy so there is nothing shameful about it, they could teach many families a thing or two on how to get on like a house on fire. I grew up in a large house with lots of space and where people knocked on the door before coming in. So, just different.
The hotel idea is a good one, I am definitely going to suggest it next time.
Particularly because in the chaos today, my bloody BIL left the front door open and my DS (2) nearly wondered out into the road without anyone noticing (I was in the loo)...
Not a happy bunny...

OP posts:
amicissimma · 05/01/2016 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RogerTheTodgerDodger · 05/01/2016 18:56

Did I write this?! Hmm

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 05/01/2016 19:02

Hmm eye roll at the holier than thou "I'm a mother of boys and you are all horrid and make me dread them growing up and leaving my skirt tails" pearl clutchers.

I'm a mother of boys too. This thread is some light hearted moaning and experience swapping. My mother doesn't believe anything even slightly negative should be talked about (unless its about somebody outside the family, when it should but in a behind the hand pearl clutchy way with comparisons to how much better she/ one of her children would have handled whatever situation, to prove we are better). If its in the family it should beif it will upset anyone, even if somebody is doing something harmful; things should be left unspoken unless they are nice, anything annoying or even worrying should be borne with gritted teeth, boats should not be rocked, tongues should be bitten til they bleed, things should be swept under the rug until you need crampons to climb over the mountain in the middle.

Sometimes it is very healthy to let off a bit of steam before you explode, by having a moan in an anonymous way (such as MN) and then get on with things. Other times it is healthy to change or re-negotiate or address situations you can't bear before everyone has a huge fall out over a build up of small things which could easily have been changed a little bit to be more bearable to all concerned.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 05/01/2016 19:10

Stop being so professionally offended Greydog - it very obviously isn't having cake forks that is grating, its passing horrified judgemental comments forks on your DIL for not having them! You'd have to be reading very selectively to misunderstand "As I returned I heard MIL asking DH in tones of deep shock and disbelief how a 32 year old married woman could possibly not own cake forks" the way you appear to.

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2016 19:11

Shutthatdoor

I agree with you.

Some may think it's 'light-hearted', but how do you think your parents/in-laws would feel if they could read this?

Sometimes it is very healthy to let off a bit of steam before you explode, by having a moan in an anonymous way (such as MN) and then get on with things.

And some need to put up with a little inconvenience, just for love.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 05/01/2016 19:11

*random forks in that last post :o

Shutthatdoor · 05/01/2016 19:13

And it's only a 'horrible thread' if you have no sense of humour

I actually have a very good sense of humour.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 05/01/2016 19:13

Nanny0gg sigh - clearly the OP is putting up with it - and can do so more easily because she has somewhere to moan about it.

Another fun thread destroyed by the supercilious judgemental woe is me brigade.

Bubblesinthesummer · 05/01/2016 19:16

Another fun thread destroyed by the supercilious judgemental woe is me brigade.

People don't have to agree with you. No need to throw your toys out of your pram. They are just entitled to post as you are.

and many of the posters on here aren't at all judgemental of others at are they

KERALA1 · 05/01/2016 19:19

I don't feel in the slightest bit guilty as my in laws are not nice and have done fuck all for us ever. It is only because of me that dh has anything to do with them at all.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 05/01/2016 19:21

I do the table thing. But since I also do the clearing up of all the stuff I put out, my guests can just suck it up. I look forward to my DIL complaining about it, many years into the future. I will bash her head in with my enormous ornate candlesticks then scoop out her uncouth table-setting- inadequate brain with my inherited silver jam spoon.

AppleSetsSail · 05/01/2016 19:21

one bathroom for nine people

Oh my god, say no more. YANBU.

Skzr1214 · 05/01/2016 19:33

Is this reaction directed towards the in laws really or does it have some other reason and taking this form? It could be that you are suppressing you feelings in some other part of life and they take this form. I find that I am impatient with my in laws when I am angry on hubby. Lol

Krampus · 05/01/2016 19:36

schwab I agree bit of post Christmas letting off steam. Many people are mocking themselves whilst admiting that the relatives in question are not bad people.

My mother complains all the time about her husband, inlaws, parents, dil's, me!

DisappointedOne · 05/01/2016 19:37

We never stay with any of the inlaws when we're forced to visit them. DH's parents' house is as it was when first built in the 1970s - orange bathroom suite and floor to ceiling psychedelic tiles included. There are no locks on bathroom or toilet doors and the heating only goes on when it's minus figures outside (windows open all day long). The house is full of stuff from their sons' (4) childhoods so there's literally nowhere to sleep. None of the BILs' houses have space either, so we stay in a 4 star spa hotel. Also means we can escape FIL's mysgenistic and racist verbal diarrhoea and hit the pool.

Krampus · 05/01/2016 19:38

MyFavourite you may find a cake fork useful with the spoon for good brain scooping.

Snugglepiggy · 05/01/2016 19:38

Hope to all you mums of boys.I absolutely adored my Ils ,and they have both sadly died recently,but I think they were very fond of me as a daughter-in-law.Not only did we stay a few nights with them but we actually lived with them twice for several months.Firstly when we had no DCs and I was working full time but a house purchase had fallen through.Secondly when we had two small girls and our house was having major building work.
Yes their house was roomy with two bathrooms,and they went away on a few holidays so we had the place to ourselves.Their decor was not to my taste.They had their own idiosyncratic habits.But they were warm, kind and tolerant.So we tried to be too.Oh and they accommodated our dog and two cats.Lovely people and I miss them.Wasn't I lucky ?

Snugglepiggy · 05/01/2016 19:40

Meant to say wasn't I lucky ?

Skzr1214 · 05/01/2016 19:44

Ah I just read your later post in this thread. Sorry. I think you are right to be miffed that they never really discuss you and you feel ignored. Plus you grew up in a big house. It pisses me off sometimes how me and hubby are all in it together and face the consequences of any trouble together but it gets to be him who gets all the praise and prays via texts. I am ignored veen if it gets to be me who is actually facing the heat. For example, if we are facing some kind of problem and I tell this to my in laws, they send messages to hubby, not to me and that pisses me off totally. I think this is not wrong and if I am part of family, I deserve praise, prays and a good thump on my shoulder too as I am with their son every step of the way.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 05/01/2016 19:51

That would really stress me out too.

RainbowDashed · 05/01/2016 20:08

I don't get the angst tbh. I hate staying at the inlaws. They are lovely people but when you get to spend the evening listening to everyone snoring in front of the telly, it does wear thin rather quickly. There is nowhere to sit and eat resulting in six people sitting on a four seater suite attempting to eat a roast dinner without covering ourselves in gravy. They don't have wifi . All four of us sleep in one room. There is nowhere private. These days we're more likely to drop the kids to,stay with them for a couple of days, and stay in a hotel or just come home.

That said, I would never be so rude as to show my discomfort. I may however moan in a jokey way about it when I know it won't get back to them.

I fully expect that when the time comes, my children's partners won't have visiting me high on their list of fun things to do. As long as they aren't rude, and make an effort to put up with me, and hopefully even like me, then I'll be happy.

Savagebeauty · 05/01/2016 20:12

I never stay in anybody's house.
Hate it.
I need privacy and my own bathroom.

Greydog · 05/01/2016 20:19

Hooray! I'm "professionally offended!" Wow - that's a first! Not sure how you can get that from my post - Schwab I suppose I should have made myself clearer - I don't care if you don't have cake forks, why would I? I suppose I just felt that all us cake fork users were being looked at as being a bit odd. Never mind! I can add "professional offended" to my CV. (Words that I never used!)

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2016 20:36

Nanny0gg sigh - clearly the OP is putting up with it - and can do so more easily because she has somewhere to moan about it. Another fun thread destroyed by the supercilious judgemental woe is me brigade.