To absolutely HATE HATE staying in my in-laws´ house even though they are kind, decent people?

[savebraveted]

I only do it twice a year for a couple of nights and it turns me into a horrible, huffy, critical meanie. I don't understand what happens to me. Admittedly, it is not a comfortable experience, tiny house, one bathroom for nine people, everyone shouting after bedtime while our 3 kids are trying to sleep, no space to put any of our clothes, no privacy etc.
My MIL is currently snoring in the most repulsive way sitting next to me on a small sofa and I am bored out of my wits while they all discuss their own family matters between themselves.
BUT they tend to our every need, feed us, shower the children with love and affection, the kids enjoy themselves and I don't have to wash up. Obviously part of married life is to share time with families and my DH is lovely with mine.
I turn into this horrible, snobbish person and I just ache to go home. Why the hell can´t I be more accepting and patient? I usually am in other areas of life - I just see this place as total hell....aargh.

Well, I am a mum of boys and I totally agree with the feelings described. I feel awkward, a spare part, bored, uncomfortable and claustrophobic at my MILs house. I don't think it is snide at all to discuss that, I think it is important and hugely useful (thank you OP!). Maybe I can resolve my own feelings and feel more comfortable there, and maybe I can work out how not to make my own future DILs feel the same.

I identify with the posters who said they never get asked about themselves or their opinions. I feel like my MIL doesn't care who I am at all, just how I behave as a mother, wife, DIL. Maybe that is part of the cause for the feelings above? I had decided that as soon as the youngest isn't bf DH can just take them on his own...is that bad? I know she doesn't want to see me, and I would always encourage DH and sons to visit as much as possible.

I hate staying at my ILs. MIL smokes constantly and no one is allowed to open any Windows, even in the summer.

FIL stares at my tits. They eat rubbish and have meals at weird times. Lunch is usually 11 a.m.

Soon, my entire house will need rewiring. It may take weeks days and we will have to stay with the ILs.

I am dreading it.

I sometimes feel like ramming my dirty toast knife into the butter dish and smearing it all over the table.

Rofl! fatpony

My PIL are lovely. I hated staying with them when DH and I had a big attic bedroom but had to share the house bathroom- I am funny about bathrooms and loos. I am an only child and like my own space as well. Sometimes there were us, two grandmas staying, PIL and SIL. I became a real grump and everything drove me mad

Anyway, they decided to invest some money in the house when we were gettng married and had the top floor converted into a large bedroom (with room for sofa and TV) , bathroom and study - now DS's nursery when we stay. It is bliss and makes it all much more bearable.

SIL married and moved away so is not there overnight when we are there- usually. She tends to stay in local hotel with BIL now. I love going.

slaggy your kids have NEVER Spent the night at their grandparents?

thats tragic imo

Better a formal table than no table at all - my IL don't even have a coffee table, let alone a dining table! All meals are eaten on the sofas in front of the tv. Doable as an adult I suppose but it was tricky for my toddler with her breakfast cereal!

I am driven mad by:
FIL collects elastic bands, makes balls out of them and lines them up on the shelf in his study. 10 last time we were there.
MIL talks about FIL needing to be 'kept regular' because of piles.
FIL obsession with preserving methodist chapels. I can show interest for about 20 mins but he can talk to me for 2 hours about it.
MIL putting left overs in small tupperware boxes in fridge and offering them as snacks- God knows how long later.

But they are nice, decent, loving parents and grandparents - who treat me incredibly well and just welcomed me into their family- and we get on very well on the whole.

Oh this resonates so much. Mil is a hoarder of tat and out of date food and her scruffy little dog has the run of the place so there's dog hair everywhere. She talks endlessly about utter banalities. There's no meaningful conversation whatsoever.

Every surface is covered in stuff. The bed has a fitted sheet, then a flat sheet, then a frilly duvet, then a throw, then 15 cushions on top. There's so much visual clutter I sometimes need to look at the ceiling to stop myself feeling claustrophobic.

When we finally left I was so bloody happy I didn't even care about being stuck in a massive tailback on the way home. It always makes me appreciate my own home going there.

No no, I'd struggle with this as well. I need my privacy, alone time and most of all silence. Being in other people's houses, even lovely ones, is fine up to a point. But I'm always very pleased to be back home.

This thread is really making me laugh. My mother refuses to use the dishwasher point black because she never manages to fill it. i bet she would fill it if she didn't force us to eat every single meal in paper plates no mater how long we are staying.

As for the size of the portions, my ex MIL and exSIL are, at least, a foot shorter than I, yet they used to spend all the time complaining about how much I ate. I hated going there, I was ravaging with hunger by 11pm, after they had spent dinner time spreading half a teaspoon of pate on two tiny biscuits talking about the wonders of the Mediterranean diet.

Krampus, I asked for cake forks one Christmas but everyone ignored me.

Staying with my PIL was fraught (we don't go now) because of how they wound up DH. MIL and I rubbed along fine talking about mutual domestic interests (mostly crockery). FIL was a pain because he wanted everybody to have a drink every time he did to disguise/validate his tremendous consumption of good lager and tragically bad wine, but I am a lightweight for whom two drinks is a heavy night.

Well I think it is a fun thread and I have enjoyed all the stories and moaning. Living with other people, even your own family, is often fraught but here are stories of everyone persevering despite it not being comfortable. I think it is quite heart-warming.

OP one toilet for 9 people YANBU!

BrendaandEddy it's okay no kids so no-one is being deprived, it's just DH and I.

This thread has been a good place for me to let off some steam. To be honest, I was a bit hurt by my inlaws during our recent visit. They are so very obviously interested in only my DH and not me - fair enough, he's their child, but a bit more pretense what not have gone amiss! They seem to have zero interest in me beyond my role as his wife and don't ask me very much about myself, and don't seem terribly interested in anything I have to say.
It's all minor stuff, as I said they are lovely helpful people, but I am conscious of it. DH is too, and it's great that he can see my point of view, and in return I don't want to go on about it to him as they are his parents so it would be hurtful to him, hence venting here!

Oh and it was actually thanks to me we went to visit them! He suggested a nice hotel break in the sun somewhere over Christmas and I pointed out that visiting his parents would be the right thing to do - I would have much preferred a nice 5* hotel break myself.

Actually prefer staying with mil than my own mother. Because mil is a nicer person and shows an interest in people other than herself. Just for balance for those mothers of sons getting all worried. Still, 4 nights max seems a good rule for any visit.

I love this thread, I feel exactly the same as PP. My in-laws are absolutely fantastic and I love them, they are also over the top accommodating and they also care about me and my opinions. They're not stingy with the wine either , that said I still feel awkward and uncomfortable staying in their lovely home!

There's plenty of room, but like others say it's the constant being 'on' that gets me. I'm an introvert so home is my place to recharge and reset and there's no chance of that happening at IL's. DP also does the reverting to teenagedom and abandons me to play iPad games with his much younger brother so I spend my whole visit pretty much with my MIL who is lovely but an over sharer. I don't ever want to hear about her hysterectomy again

I feel exactly the same when we go to stay with my parents, although there's obviously a lesser degree of formality so I'm a little less on edge. Over 4 days spent in close proximity to my mum drives me insane though! We have a wonderful relationship best conducted over the phone and with 400 miles between us

I love staying at my inlaws but that's because I get on with them, they adore me, they provide a comfy home, don't mind if you need space etc. Some of these stories sound hard! Old fashioned small minded people in small, messy homes with no thought for guests. To all the people with sons who are worrying about future DILs, I think our generation will be more in tune with what inlaws need.. These days we are more open minded and respectful of space and privacy, aware that some people are introverts, don't have old fashioned expectations so will make better hosts. There are many many DILs who do enjoy being with their PIL but they have no need to post here.

Oh my dear, the noise and the people!

Silly, snobbish and patronising.

I love the 'urban mythiness' of the thread!!Keep the resentments coming.Elastic bands and piles!!and innocent cake forks!Who knew?

Of course these dear people can not hear what you are saying,so no harm done and all off your chest OP.

We did have fun for a bit,Schwabe!!

have read this thread which I find distasteful and I wanted to make a couple of points.

1. I am reminded of the time when I hosted a student on German exchange with our local school. I gave a number of the students a lift to a social event one evening and listened uncomfortably while the students mocked their hosts homes and English people in general. They did not know that I spoke German and could understand their very racist comments. They did not get that things are different to home (not better ,just different) I spoke to the teacher organising the exchange who told me that English students are the same when on exchange visits. My point is that things are different in other people's homes and families. Not better but different.
2. Being allowed to 'vent' (that increasingly used excuse) to pick on a group of people simply because they belong to a specific group is so dangerous in my opinion.
3. In the 70s some male comedians used mother in law gags to put down older women. Thankfully this has by and large disappeared. It is distasteful to see this mocking revived by some women to put down older women. It is classic prejudice and discrimination against a specific group.

In my limited experience we have come along way in terms of tolerance and live in the last 40 years. Hopefully none of the posters that mock their in laws for being different would start threads to mock foreigners for being different but it is a slippery slope and allows some women a belief that it is their right to mock and belittle older people (as long as they are not from their own family). I have bookmarked this thread to remind myself that ageism and sexism and prejudice is flourishing in a mainly female forum.

Oh dear.

MrsMuddle I agree with you. And I was once working in Italy...doing theatre in education to help students learn English and one girl stood up to ask me "Why do the English not eat vegetables apart from peas?"

Turns out she'd been on an exchange and that was all her hosts served with meals. I explained that ONE family wasn't "The English"

Of course these dear people can not hear what you are saying,so no harm done and all off your chest OP.

'Oh dear' indeed!
Coming from an OLD girl, woman, mother, mother in law and granny who has thankfully not forgotten how to laugh at herself and her eccentricities that must irritate the white sherbet out of others.

I really identify with lots that has been said here and believe that sharing experiences helps defuse negative and guilt inducing feelings, so discussions like this do have a purpose. Those who don't agree shouldn't be offended, yes it can be hard for everyone.

DH and I are off to see my DP in their own country shortly. In comparison to his parents mine could be seen as foreign, old fashioned and eccentric, even a little scary perhaps, but DH really thinks its important and we always go at his suggestion. I know this kind of set up isn't the same for everyone but this conversation has got me thinking that sleeping on a single bed the shape of a barrel and the 'no windows open' rule at PIL's is something I can put up with occasionally. And they're not going to be around for ever.

Oh dear.

I thought it was a thread where people could offload about the unnatural situation of being cooped up in the company of people that are dissimilar to you for long periods of time.

Are we not allowed to talk about things like that any more?