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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one for you...

153 replies

Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 09:08

Aibu to think BIL and future SIL are a couple of arseholes?

Dp and I have been planning our wedding since last year. We decided to elope and have a big dinner and party when we get back. All family are supportive of this and happy for us. Bil and Sil were often part of discussions about this too. They're both also planning their wedding, they decided to have a family wedding in Italy in August.

Yesterday we actually booked our wedding and party. Exciting day, we can't wait. We have only told a few people, BIL being one of them.

The same day after we told him, BIL says he wants to book the same venue we are booking for the party. I was a bit miffed, but it's not an actual wedding we are having there so I can't get too precious can I? Also I guess he's changed his mind on Italy then.

But then this morning, he called dp and told him he's now going to get married THE WEEK FUCKING BEFORE WE DO! The week before!

So who ibu? Can I get precious over a wedding when we aren't having guests? We've always planned on May, it's when we got engaged. I'm so mad.

OP posts:
PitBlackwell · 05/01/2016 14:34

Who even does that? What a weirdo. YANBU.

JellyTotCat · 05/01/2016 14:34

You don't do this without asking if the other person minds though. What are you going to do op?

Headofthehive55 · 05/01/2016 14:43

He might not even think it would cause a problem. They might be so caught up in their own plans. Weddings are catching. Like babies.

I do think it's a bit strange to do an after party though, dress up in your dress again....

AuntMabel · 05/01/2016 14:59

JellyTotCat - I think your misinterpretation of my idea is even better. Definitely run the PowerPoint on a screen over their heads whilst they are dancing their first dance. Grin

BIL sounds like a prized pillock. Can you get your DP to call the venue up pretending to be him with all kinds of weird requests (telling them it's a naturist wedding and will require a naked celebrant/waiting staff is a good start) until they refund his deposit and refuse the booking.

Though I am making light of it I'm sorry for your loss OP Flowers and that your plans are being upset by utter twonkishness.

Original poster
Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 15:45

I love the PowerPoint idea! Grin

We are just gonna have to go ahead if we can't convince bil to change his date. I hope he does change it. I don't know. My head hurts thinking about it. Dp has been warned, in the strongest possible terms, not to speak to bil about our wedding or anything again.

OP posts:
Chilledmonkeybrains · 05/01/2016 16:01

Honestly, I would take yourself out of this game. Cancel all your plans. Get married quickly and quietly as soon as possible. Have your big party in August at a different venue. Tell your BIL nothing.

Shelby2010 · 05/01/2016 16:29

Tell BIL that you've decided not to bother with your own party but you will be wearing your wedding dress to his reception.

OVienna · 05/01/2016 17:15

Ah ha! One change already. OP these plans will fall to pieces, I tell ya.

littleleftie · 05/01/2016 17:37

Shelby Grin

JustMeAndHim · 05/01/2016 17:45

I can't work out if your BIL wants to get married before you to piss you off, at the same venue to piss you off or both. He can't really be fussed about when if he's happy to keep changing his dates?

If you think they are trying to beat you down the aisle I don't think I could resist slinking off somewhere quietly and coming back to announce it preferably on a day that should be about him!

Either way I think he's a knob and if SIL is in on it or can't see his knobbishness she's just as bad!! Wine

JustMeAndHim · 05/01/2016 17:45

Shelby's idea wins!!

Industrialhelicopter · 05/01/2016 18:24

You don't pre book to elope! You are getting married away without any family and then having a party (not a wedding) when you return. Cant see why having the same venue for their wedding that you had for a party is an issue.

BarbarianMum · 05/01/2016 18:35

How many guests will you have in common? If my BiL had done this it would have affected exactly 6 people (himself, SiL, his parents and an aunt and uncle).

maddy68 · 05/01/2016 18:36

Genuinely don't think they are doing anything wrong, you are getting married elsewhere then having a party at a nice place, they are getting married at the same nice place.
Yabu and yes precious

TheExMotherInLaw · 05/01/2016 18:39

It's really unfair on the OP for many reasons; very cruel and nasty. It's very unfair on MIL, too. She would have been looking forward to both events, with a break in between. Now she has one son playing sillybuggers and wrecking the specialness of the arrangements of the other. She'll be needing to sort out 2 outfits, etc, and, if she is of any age, will be worn out.
I hope you are able to have a peaceful wedding ceremony, and a party at some other point and place. I don't think you can just turn up somewhere and get married - don't banns still need to be published, or a special licence organised?

Whocansay · 05/01/2016 18:48

He either thinks he's getting a free party....

...or he's pulling your leg. I suspect the latter. Because no-one in their right mind would think this is OK.

and if it's the former, MN has YEARS of crazy threads coming up

SoupDragon · 05/01/2016 19:01

Genuinely don't think they are doing anything wrong

You honestly can't see anything wrong at all with completely changing your wedding plans once you find out what your brothers plans are? Changing them so that your plans now match in date and place and are just before their's...?

Sunbeam1112 · 05/01/2016 19:03

If your not having guests whats the issue? I would just laugh about it. If the wedding is a secret why disclose the venue in the first place? Also yor denying your family being in attendance but cant be annoyed if they want a big wedding surrounding by family. Do you feel your day will be over shadowed? Its difficult for family to be excited if your eloping and they aren't involved regardless if you have a party at a later date.

carabos · 05/01/2016 19:04

You can't win this one OP unless you dump all of your plans. whatever you do, for some reason he's going to try to trump you. He's determined to eclipse your day for some reason. Don't let him - cancel and rearrange while telling him and everyone else absolutely nothing until the invites are in the post. I know your May date is important, but it's a small price to pay in forfeiting that to get back in control.

BarbarianMum · 05/01/2016 19:44

Although I'd be completely unimpressed if one of my ds' pulled a stunt like this, I can assure you it would not detract from the "specialness" of either day for me. I'd be a bit gutted about not coming to your wedding though

slithytove · 05/01/2016 20:13

Tell him you are cancelling, then don't. Invite everyone but him, then invite him last minute.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/01/2016 20:48

let me get this straight, be gentle i work nights so -tired brain dead Grin

you will get married by yourself, come back and have a party at XX venue, and now bil wants to get married at XX venue 2 days/week before your party

ok yes that would piss me off

but

i dont understand why you want a party and how that wont be upsetting as surely all the same people (minus your loved one who has died) will be there, so surely wont their non appearence still be painful/upsetting at the party after your wedding as all the other guests will be there

or have i mis read your 2nd post

Original poster
Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 21:13

blondes that is a fair point and we did um and ahh about it quite a bit. Decided, in the end to go away because we wanted the day to be happy and fun, we have small kids, we don't get much time alone haha. Also to a lesser degree, when we were beginning to speak to people about it we already had "I'm not going if she's going" shit from wankers some family members. We thought going away ourselves would mean no problems at all!

shelby Grin

OP posts:
Fizrim · 05/01/2016 21:28

Blonde has raised the issue that crossed my mind more tactfully than I could string together. It does look a bit like you just don't want them there on the day!

Hope your BIL changes again. Is it 2017 or 2016?

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/01/2016 21:42

i was wondering if i had got it wrong as no one else picked up on that point

tactful - dont think ive been called that before Grin

'polishs halo'

tho sorry for your loss OP