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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one for you...

153 replies

Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 09:08

Aibu to think BIL and future SIL are a couple of arseholes?

Dp and I have been planning our wedding since last year. We decided to elope and have a big dinner and party when we get back. All family are supportive of this and happy for us. Bil and Sil were often part of discussions about this too. They're both also planning their wedding, they decided to have a family wedding in Italy in August.

Yesterday we actually booked our wedding and party. Exciting day, we can't wait. We have only told a few people, BIL being one of them.

The same day after we told him, BIL says he wants to book the same venue we are booking for the party. I was a bit miffed, but it's not an actual wedding we are having there so I can't get too precious can I? Also I guess he's changed his mind on Italy then.

But then this morning, he called dp and told him he's now going to get married THE WEEK FUCKING BEFORE WE DO! The week before!

So who ibu? Can I get precious over a wedding when we aren't having guests? We've always planned on May, it's when we got engaged. I'm so mad.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 05/01/2016 09:33

I would tell everyone. Say we were going to have it there, we told BIL and he decided to book it for the week before.
We are going to book here instead...

Then I wouldn't invite him.

Bakeoffcake · 05/01/2016 09:37

Can't you get DH to tell them you are pissed off?

I would!

Tell them how childish it looks and that if they don't change venues you will, and you will tell everyone why!

Headofthehive55 · 05/01/2016 09:39

He has to get married when the venue has spaces. Often in one location there is one venue that is preferable.

I don't see a problem. Like when people use the same church. I think the problem is yours won't be a wedding you are inviting guests to, but a party. A wedding rather trumps that. However you can't have it both ways, be the star of the show but not actually get married!

JohnLuther · 05/01/2016 09:40

Who cares? I mean you're not getting married there so does it justify so much rage on your behalf?

Grapejuicerocks · 05/01/2016 09:46

Of course it's ok to care. It'd be bad enough the same venue with a few months in between if they knew op was doing it there - which they did, let alone on consecutive weekends.

SoupDragon · 05/01/2016 09:47

The fact that is is not the actual ceremony is irrelevant. It is the celebration after a private ceremony and thus the main finally event.

After being told of the OP's booked plans, the BIL/SIL have changed their plans from Italy August to May, a week before the OP and in the same venue.

SlaggyIsland · 05/01/2016 09:50

God people are dismissive of the fact that you're "not actually" getting married there. How horrible. It's still your wedding reception, and I totally understand your reasoning for wanting to go away and have the actual ceremony in private.
We wanted to do the same - my family are a long way away and would have been unable to attend and it would have felt wrong so I wanted it to be just the two of us. (Unfortunately my MIL was not as understanding as yours but that's another story....)
We still had a reception-style party afterwards where I wore my wedding dress.

BeyondCBA · 05/01/2016 09:51

I'd move it to the week before theirs and not tell them. Publish photos the day before their wedding. They wanna be petty? I can out-petty anyone!!

Kintan · 05/01/2016 09:52

It is really annoying and bad form, but just rise above it and book somewhere else for your party I guess. Hopefully if you explained this to the venue they would let you off the hook if you have signed some sort of contract. Also I don't get why you are mad he is getting married the week before you are - is there some kind of race to marriage between you all?

BeyondCBA · 05/01/2016 09:53

Oh hang on, i've misread it that they booked your wedding venue, not the party one.

Original poster
Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 09:53

I haven't even thought of photos etc. It just feels spiteful, you know? I would never dream of doing the same.

OP posts:
CheesyWeez · 05/01/2016 09:55

YANBU. Unless you live on a small island where there is only one possible local venue?
Can you change your party plans? ( to the week BEFORE theirs and see if they like it )
Or tell them you were SO looking forward to Italy?

As said above, I think maybe they've found it's too expensive or she's pregnant. To bring their wedding forward to the week before your party and at the same venue is unbelievable.

JohnLuther · 05/01/2016 09:55

What does your DP say OP? It's his party too so you can't not invite them etc unless he's on board.

MyNewBearTotoro · 05/01/2016 09:56

Does the venue have any connection to the venue or is it one of only a handful of local wedding/ party venues in the area?

If so I think you need to let it go and accept that they probably had good reason to choose the same venue.

That said if this venue has no family or local links and is one of hundreds they could have chosen that does sound somewhat unfair of them to use the same place. Also a bit cheeky though to book their wedding literally a week before yours especially if they were originally planning for August. Do they have form for being like this?

Is it too late for you to change your venue and/ or date if this is really bothering you? I've heard Italy in August is very nice... Wink

willconcern · 05/01/2016 09:57

I am confused.

Have BIL & future SIL booked the venue you have for your big party, or the venue you have booked for your private wedding ceremony?

If they've booked the party venue for their big wedding the week before your party then they are arses. If they have booked the same venue as you have for your private wedding, then not so much arses, but still odd.

nilbyname · 05/01/2016 09:59

I think they are nuts! And have behaved in a very unimaginative and frankly not too classy way.

If change my venue and be done with it. Say nothing.

Quiero · 05/01/2016 10:00

It's definitely a shitty thing to do. Whether the OP is bothered or not isn't the issue. It's just not the done thing. Definite one upmanship.

MatildaTheCat · 05/01/2016 10:02

Have you told him that I you are very unhappy about this? If you have booked and he has not then I would be making my feelings perfectly clear and asking them to find another venue.

YANBU unless you haven't had a full and frank discussion.

If they refuse to back down then you are in an awkward position and can only do your best to make your day unique and lovely much lovelier than theirs.

Original poster
Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 10:12

Dp is raging. He already had a row with bil about it and he says bil's reasoning is "why wait". MIL is also raging with bil.
Bil is dp's brother and they actually are close! Bil is a selfish prick though who doesn't care who he upsets. As long as he gets his way. He has form for being selfish, but this even seems too much.

Am very tempted to cancel ours or just not have the party when we get back.

Who here would do what bil has?

soupdragon you seem to understand my thinking

OP posts:
spacepoodle · 05/01/2016 10:15

Ninky I understand. I got married in August and had never thought I would be that bothered about the actual wedding but it is such a personal and sensitive issue. When I told my SIL we were aiming to get married in August/September she immediately said that's when they were getting married and asked to "bagsy" dates Hmm. Similar behaviour continued until both weddings were over - they got married 6 days after us meaning we couldn't go on a proper honeymoon.

I do believe what your BIL did was spiteful and sounds like one-upmanship. Why did he chose that venue and book it a week before? He should have at least consulted with you to check you were happy with their plans of course you wouldn't be. It's childish and completely disrespectful.

If I were you I would move the wedding forward or book somewhere else (better). If they want a competition then give them one.

Bakeoffcake · 05/01/2016 10:16

Don't cancel your wedding party altogether. I think you'd regret it in years to come.

Original poster
Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 10:17

It's the reception and party venue he's using. Not the actual wedding one. That doesn't even bother me as much as him getting married the week before. It seems like he's trying to make ours less special, or "get in there first". I have no idea why he's being competitive.

kintan there is no race, from our side anyway. Bil says every Christmas that "next year" him and future sil will get married. Every year for the past five years. bet he wouldn't even get married this year either if we hadn't booked it
I regret telling him now. But we wanted family to be aware why we weren't having guests and we didn't want them to he offended.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 05/01/2016 10:21

i wouldn't move the wedding forward. That would give them scope to copy more details from having attended your celebration.

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/01/2016 10:23

op, tell all your family that you and DH have decided to wait until next year. THEN, get married anyway exactly as you're planning to do (maybe let MIL in on it). You'll be eloping as per definition Wink and I bet you one squillion pounds that BIL and STBSIL will cancel once they think you're not doing it.

Chrysanthemum5 · 05/01/2016 10:27

There must be more to this it's such a ridiculous thing to do. What does your future SIL think? Most of the guests will think it's very odd to be at the same venue in two weeks.

Can you bring it forward or change venue (do you want to?). If your MIL can't make them see sense then I think you need to look at different venues etc.

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