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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one for you...

153 replies

Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 09:08

Aibu to think BIL and future SIL are a couple of arseholes?

Dp and I have been planning our wedding since last year. We decided to elope and have a big dinner and party when we get back. All family are supportive of this and happy for us. Bil and Sil were often part of discussions about this too. They're both also planning their wedding, they decided to have a family wedding in Italy in August.

Yesterday we actually booked our wedding and party. Exciting day, we can't wait. We have only told a few people, BIL being one of them.

The same day after we told him, BIL says he wants to book the same venue we are booking for the party. I was a bit miffed, but it's not an actual wedding we are having there so I can't get too precious can I? Also I guess he's changed his mind on Italy then.

But then this morning, he called dp and told him he's now going to get married THE WEEK FUCKING BEFORE WE DO! The week before!

So who ibu? Can I get precious over a wedding when we aren't having guests? We've always planned on May, it's when we got engaged. I'm so mad.

OP posts:
RattusRattus · 05/01/2016 10:28

BIL and SIL are twats. There is not much else to be said on the matter, IMO.

wowis · 05/01/2016 10:29

This would fuck me right off op. Not surpised you feel angry. Properly stealing your thunder the week before in the venue you found!!
I might want to change my venue if there was still time... assuming you can't get them to do it after yours. What a mean childish thing to do. What does his fiance say about it all? Normally more bridezilla behaviour in my experience...

Princecharlesfirstwife · 05/01/2016 10:32

I honestly don't get your ire. why does BIL getting married one week before you steal your thunder? Especially given that you're not having any guests at yours.
I'd go to BILs wedding. Have a nice time and then jet off to wherever yours is taking place and enjoy that. Why the angst? Not worth a family fall out over.

RattusRattus · 05/01/2016 10:35

After being told of the OP's booked plans, the BIL/SIL have changed their plans from Italy August to May, a week before the OP and in the same venue.

^^ This. Soupy you're bang on as ever.

Tis piss poor form.

Original poster
Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 10:35

Sil hasn't said anything. This is bil's thing, he's planning it because he's paying for it and she is just going along with it Hmm groomzilla

We may change venue now, we'll lose a small holding deposit, so it's not disastrous. will take the cost off his fucking wedding present

OP posts:
Mrswinkler · 05/01/2016 10:36

Prince, they ARE having guests, at a party at the same venue BIL has chosen to book the week before...

This would piss me off, you have every right to be mad. What does BIL's wife to be say? Is she just as barmy?

GreyBonnet · 05/01/2016 10:40

Hi Ninky Yes they are being arses. If it was me, I'd just go get married, soon as, quiet as possible. If you've just booked a register office it should be easy to rearrange - especially if you go for a Wednesday afternoon or some such. It does sound romantic - just the two of you, and in a way the more 'ordinary' the day you choose, even more so.

If you want to make a point, you could say that all the fuss BiL is kicking up made you realise that all you really wanted was to be married, and all the fuss really isn't important / rather self-indulgent / unecessary (or whatever dismissive approach you wish to take..) Then make the party as 'unwedding' as possible - just dinner, drinks and hospitality, rather than all the colour scheme / speeches / ceremony stuff, and it won't matter when or where you have it as it has no relevance to what your Bil / Sil are after does it?

Congratulations, and have fun!

TheJiminyConjecture · 05/01/2016 10:40

I think the point is OP is having guests. Just not to the legal signing of the register/vows bit but to the rest of the traditional wedding day. Food, party etc. Half of which will have been to the same place a week earlier (assume they can come to both) which is a bit weird.

OP I would get married exactly as planned but move the reception/party to another venue and time. It won't matter how far apart the dates are and you'll still get to marry on the date that's important to you

EverybodyHatesATourist · 05/01/2016 10:45

I would absolutely change the venue but not tell them. Of all the different dates and places they could choose and they have to have that venue a week before yours?
I'm actually surprised that anyone thinks this is okay and wouldn't be upset by it. If I was a guest invited to both I would think it very odd, if I was a guest having to travel from out of town I'd think it a real fucking nuisance.

GreyBonnet · 05/01/2016 10:46

Oh, sorry Jiminy I see what you mean, I didn't register the part about the May date being significant. No, what you say makes more sense.

NA200712 · 05/01/2016 10:48

I would do as you suggested and book somewhere else and do not give them any details of it until its close to the date. He sounds very spiteful and nasty.

Chrysanthemum5 · 05/01/2016 10:51

I feel sorry for your SIL is she sure she wants to marry someone like this? He's clearly competitive with his brother and sounds like a complete arse.

Sorry this is happening to you but I'd feel relieved your future DH isn't like his brother!

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/01/2016 10:52

If I was a guest invited to both I would think it very odd, if I was a guest having to travel from out of town I'd think it a real fucking nuisance.

As a paranoid person, I'd wonder if BIL planned it this way so as to make your approach look odd. I don't think it is, at all, but the potential for him to compare and contrast his generic wedding plan ('come see us get married and then have some food/dancing') with your more intimate, carefully chosen one ('please have some food/dancing to celebrate our wedding') in a crowing fashion to the guests who are already minorly annoyed at having to make complex travel plans is high, I think. In fact, I'd be surprised if lots of guests do decide to stay on for your do a few days later.

Shock cheeky bastard - is he deliberately sabotaging your wedding? Am I reading too much into this? Or is he trying to pressure you into a joint wedding because he thinks your approach is silly and should be shelved?

There are far too many different possibilities, most of them bad; the best case scenario is that he's just a thoughtless twunt.

InitialsError · 05/01/2016 10:53

This would really annoy me.

BIL talking about one sort of wedding and venue, and almost the minute he finds out where you're having your wedding reception, he completely changes his wedding plans to get married at your venue the week before?

It looks like a massive attempt at one-upmanship and an attempt to undermine your wedding reception.

I'd be considering changing venues for the wedding reception if I were you, unless you can bring the date forward so your reception is before his wedding.

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/01/2016 10:53

Decide NOT to stay on for your wedding, that should say.

TheTigerIsOut · 05/01/2016 10:58

Get back to the original eloping idea but, do it properly:

I would be tempted to elope to Italy a few months before their wedding (without telling anyone about your plans). Then just make a big party and make the announcement of your wedding a surprise. :-)

MackerelOfFact · 05/01/2016 10:59

I don't think it's a huge issue - it seems quite nice to me to have a nice place where multiple family members have got married.

But it does depend on your relationship with BIL and his motives for booking the same venue. Consecutive weekends is possibly a bit of a pain for guests of both weddings though if they have to travel.

BluePancakes · 05/01/2016 10:59

Have you sent invites out yet?

As a guest with no knowledge of what actually has happened, I would automatically accept the first invite for what it was, but consider the second one received to be the weird one.

So, if I received your BIL's invite first, it would make your party seem strange to be in the same place; but if I received yours first, it would make me look strange on your BIL. Similarly, as a PP has said, if I had to travel, I like to book hotels/trains etc asap to get cheaper/the best deals I can. If there were two weddings with pretty much the same people invited, I'd probably choose to go to the first invitation I received and not the second received invite, as I wouldn't want to spend all that money travelling etc for two things in the same place.

JellyTotCat · 05/01/2016 11:03

So if your post wedding party is being held the week after their wedding in the same place, won't their wedding be at a similar time to your marriage ceremony and clash? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

RainbowDashed · 05/01/2016 11:03

They are selfish arses. The only reason anyone would do this is for oneupmanship. Given that they have been discussing marriage for years and then have chosen to do this shows them up to be fuckwits of the highest order.

Are they going on honeymoon immediately after their wedding? Will they even be around for your reception?

In your position I'd cancel and book somewhere else for later in the year and make sure everyone knew why. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to, you had booked first after all, however I doubt they'll change their plans and their actions would only overshadow your party.

RubbleBubble00 · 05/01/2016 11:08

I'd it wrong that I'm thinking that you should move your party to a couple of days before his wedding lol

OVienna · 05/01/2016 11:10

Before you cancel, are you 100% sure they've definitely booked it and will follow through on their 'plans', given their track record? Or will they stir for a week and then 'cancel' having thought better of it/gotten cold feet?

Does BIL have form for loving drama?

Secondtimeround75 · 05/01/2016 11:12

I think ye should elope for real!
Just before their wedding then announce it at the wedding.
If Dh is best man he could do it during his speech.
Explain that due to your recent bereavement ye won't be having a party until a later date, maybe first anniversary .
Bring lots of photos Grin

They are shits

HorseyHat · 05/01/2016 11:14

If it was me I would move my wedding and party or just party later by at least a month, what do you have to lose? I would stick to party location if you are happy with it, don't get involved in competiveness or let this overshadow your happiness.

Your marriage is hopefully for life, let your BIL play his games, his agenda and ideas for wedding are very different to yours.

HorseyHat · 05/01/2016 11:15

and as others have said stop telling your BIL your plans.

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