Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one for you...

153 replies

Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 09:08

Aibu to think BIL and future SIL are a couple of arseholes?

Dp and I have been planning our wedding since last year. We decided to elope and have a big dinner and party when we get back. All family are supportive of this and happy for us. Bil and Sil were often part of discussions about this too. They're both also planning their wedding, they decided to have a family wedding in Italy in August.

Yesterday we actually booked our wedding and party. Exciting day, we can't wait. We have only told a few people, BIL being one of them.

The same day after we told him, BIL says he wants to book the same venue we are booking for the party. I was a bit miffed, but it's not an actual wedding we are having there so I can't get too precious can I? Also I guess he's changed his mind on Italy then.

But then this morning, he called dp and told him he's now going to get married THE WEEK FUCKING BEFORE WE DO! The week before!

So who ibu? Can I get precious over a wedding when we aren't having guests? We've always planned on May, it's when we got engaged. I'm so mad.

OP posts:
zipzap · 05/01/2016 11:15

Another one here who would be furious if this happened to me - it definitely sounds very spiteful and unimaginative.

If you do end up having yours at the same venue, you and your dp can have lots of fun roping in friends and family too making up toasts/speeches that he could do - like 'we're thinking of charging bil a finders fee for taking our venue, he always was one to copy me but there again I guess when he decided to road test it for us and giving everyone a practice run at getting here, I think he was taking brotherly love a little too far - would have been better if you'd given us more than a week to tweak our plans bro...' but obviously much better worded so they come out funny and make your bil look the silly one. And even if they're not made as proper toasts or speeches, just discussing what they could actually have been - and what you'd thought you better not say - will still get heard and understood by many there.

hopefully if your mil is also angry with bil she will be telling her side of the family the truth of the matter!

I'd also be telling the venue how disappointed you are about bil deciding to pinch the venue. They might have no idea that he was your bil - but they would probably find it a pain too especially if he decides he wants to have the same as you - whereas you say you want to have different from him - plus they'll have the same guests back twice who'll want something different...

Good luck - and congratulations anyhow - hope the wedding bit is exactly how you want it!

TheMasterMurderedMargarita · 05/01/2016 11:19

I wouldn't cancel it if I were you. If he is like this about the venue then I can only imagine how the rest of the planning and day will pan out. He will have precious few guests if he keeps on.
So let them carry on and you do the same and make sure you have a lovely relaxed welcoming celebration and don't give them a second thought.
Concentrate on your own happiness.

InitialsError · 05/01/2016 11:20

I'd also be telling the venue how disappointed you are about bil deciding to pinch the venue

I really don't think it's fair to bring the venue into things like that. They can hardly be expected to refuse bookings on the grounds that a prospective client's brother booked a different date with them first.

Kintan · 05/01/2016 11:29

Send your invites out asap then if you love that venue and don't want to move your party, then your BIL will look pretty silly inviting people to the same place! Maybe his wife-to-be will see sense then. Hope it all works out, and congrats on your upcoming wedding!

zipzap · 05/01/2016 11:31

Sorry, wasn't making that very clear.

By telling the venue that you were upset about BIL booking the week before you, I wasn't meaning that they should have not taken Bil's booking - but that by giving it as a reason why you were cancelling your booking they might be a little bit more understanding about your reasons for doing so because it's not like you just changed your mind randomly - and if they manage to book the venue to different people for that day they might give you some of your deposit back or be prepared to make a good will gesture or something along those lines.

Fizrim · 05/01/2016 11:34

What was the original gap between your wedding and your party? Because you have said BIL has booked for the week before your wedding, when is your party booked for? How close would it be to BILs?

You know more than we do if there is a backstory of competitiveness between them, or if he's just miffed that he's not invited to your wedding.

OVienna · 05/01/2016 11:34

If you do go ahead I would tell the venue because they should be in the picture regarding keeping your plans quiet/not suggesting the same arrangements for them in the event that you do have guests attending both events. They may also be sympathetic and make a special effort to make yours 'different'. But seriously, I bet your BILs plans 'fall through.'

InitialsError · 05/01/2016 11:42

Ah, right. That makes more sense, zipzap

ShelaghTurner · 05/01/2016 11:46

What a wanker. I'd properly elope before their wedding then announce at their reception that you'd got married and isn't it great that your in laws are already there because you can celebrate your wedding too!

Then book something lovely for your side of the family Wink

OnTheSunnySide · 05/01/2016 11:50

you say elope and 'when we get back' so presumably you are going elsewhere to do the ceremony.

It's only a party - not a wedding. You're just being precious. the wedding is the important bit.

AuntMabel · 05/01/2016 12:08

YADNBU.

If you do move the party make sure you do it the week before BIL's wedding won't you. That or do as everyone else suggests; have an elopement with a party TBC and run a PowerPoint presentation (set to the music of BIL/SIL's first dance) of your nuptials during the speeches.

Original poster
Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 13:00

auntmabel that is evil. I love it! ha.

We originally planned to get married, then have a party when we come back - so two and a bit weeks after. However:

Update: BIL has agreed not to get married the week before us. He'll get married two weeks after us instead he says. On a Thursday. Our party was due to happen the Saturday. So two fucking days after our party/reception, he wants to have his wedding. He is a gigantic arse. I do wonder if SIL knows how stupid/calculating he is being. I can't figure out if he's just selfish and ignorant, or spiteful and competitive.

At least if anyone does have to travel, they may as well make a weekend of it. Confused

OP posts:
JellyTotCat · 05/01/2016 13:04

WTF us wrong with that man!

JellyTotCat · 05/01/2016 13:04

PMSL at PowerPoint during their first dance. Grin

JellyTotCat · 05/01/2016 13:07

Sorry i read that wrong. Thought you meant the powerpoint presentation of op's wedding being shown while bil was having his first dance at his reception. Smile

AntsMarching · 05/01/2016 13:09

Send your invitations now. Then people will RSVP to you and by the time BIL sends his, people may think they don't want to go two weekends in a row and have already committed to you.

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/01/2016 13:19

Did you mean that he'll get married two days before your party, op? Sounds like he wants to save money and do a joint party to me.....

M48294Y · 05/01/2016 13:19

Oh my fucking God!!! Why can't people read the op properly?

OnTheSunnySide and others - op is having her post-wedding party at this venue. It will be a "big dinner and party" to quote her op. But her BIL has now not only booked this exact same venue for his wedding too, he has now booked it ONE WEEK before op's big do, when previously it was going to be much later in the year.

Op, you are not being precious it is perfectly obvious to anyone with a single brain cell while this would be upsetting.

And, of course, your BIL and SIL are indeed arseholes.

Grapejuicerocks · 05/01/2016 13:21

Could you actually do a joint one? It would mean a lot of extra cash for you.

JellyTotCat · 05/01/2016 13:33

He'll get married two weeks after us instead he says. On a Thursday. Our party was due to happen the Saturday. So two fucking days after our party/reception, he wants to have his wedding.

Do you mean two days before your party? Two days after is a Monday not a Thursday.

Helmetbymidnight · 05/01/2016 13:38

He wants to marry on the Thursday and you are having the party on the Saturday now?

My God, he is a cunt and he hates you both.

TwoLeftSocks · 05/01/2016 13:42

What bizarre behaviour! If you do want to change your plans at all (dates or venue), don't tell them.

I quite like the idea of a big party in Italy in August. Nick his original idea. (Expensive I know)

nilbyname · 05/01/2016 13:43

He's being outrageous!

Definitely I would move my wedding date. Just take the wind right out of his crazy sales!

Original poster
Ninkynonkrinkydonk · 05/01/2016 14:28

jelly yes. Before. My mistake

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 05/01/2016 14:29

I think it's very sensible to have both the wedding and the party so close. Like you say, guests can get it over with in one swoop.

Swipe left for the next trending thread