Smaller families are better for kids?

[FlowersAndShit]

What does everyone think? What was your experience growing up in a small/large family?

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/small-families-are-better-for-children-research-finds-a6793936.html

I find that with 2 I don't have enough time and attention to go round!

I'm not convinced that parental attention is any better than sibling attention

Really. Children need nurturing attention can that really be done by another sibling in the same way as an adult can when that children themselves need nurturing

Families nearly always come with their own set of personal issues. I do believe small families children are more likely to get more parental attention though that does not always happen

We are now seriously having to think about the impact of our growing population I think far more emphasis as time goes on will be placed on that than the more personal side of having a large family

MN seems to have many posters with large families I only know of a few with three children two with more. With more families having half/step siblings families are becoming larger again though women are on average having less children are men having more (must be)

I have 2 children. I can't see how it's possible to give more than 2 children Eyemouth love and attention.

Yes fairyfluffbum I noticed that the kids were complaining yet the mother was completely oblivious. Seem that she's so desperate not to be lonely that she's become ridiculously one track minded. She clearly has mental health issues

We have 2 DC and that feels right for us.

I have close friends who have onlys and friends with 4 or 5 and all the DC are well adjusted and happy in their family units. You can't generalise. The parents I know in 4-5 DC units are of the temperament it suits, and ditto the ones of onlys.

Honkinghaddock yes I really disagree with older kids having to look after their siblings ---- why have more babies if you're getting your kids to look after them?? It's irresponsible. Your older kids deserve a childhood.

I'm an only and dd is an only too. Yes, all the attention is focussed on one child but that goes for negative attention too. I think it's harder for an inly child to be naughty as there's less chance of getting away with it (and shifting blame).

Also, as an only you're on your own when it comes to dealing with bereavement etc. I was, anyway!

One of the daftest threads I've ever read on MN.

Boopsy, I know all 4 of mine inside out too. It's not as if there are hundreds of them! They each have a fair amount of one to one time too. This year I've had a weekend away with ds1 and a long day out with ds2. That's obviously in addition to all the usual bits and pieces. DH took ds1&2 to see Star Wars then out to lunch afterwards. He has also taken ds2 camping overnight (ds1 isn't interested) ds3 currently needs a bit more attention and I'm prioritising that at the moment during early evenings and weekends. Dd is only 2 so has me to herself all day.
I'm not saying it's in any way easy or that I've found the magic formula, just that it works and they're not starved of love of attention.

I do think Sue's kids seem attention starved and their meals aren't great. She shouts a lot. I suspect she was like that with less children too though.

I think some people from big families imagine a better childhood in a small family but the reality is probably that the same flaws would have been there because they were more to do with the care givers.

I would know my kids inside and out regardless of how many I had.

Perhaps the bias against big families in today's culture is partly because it's so materialistic-more kids means less stuff and holidays for everyone, and more disruption to careers. Whereas fifty years ago, the focus was more on the community of family. Now we all seem to be individuals looking for the perfect friends to be close to.

I can't imagine looking at my siblings, or the children I have, and thinking 'yes, life would be a lot better if you'd never been here'. My siblings have individually taught me so much through each of their separate personalities. Each one brought a different dimension to my childhood.

Perhaps the bias against big families in today's culture is partly because it's so materialistic-more kids means less stuff and holidays for everyone, and more disruption to careers.

Yes I agree, I have seen a lot of this. BIL and SIL insist they can only afford to have one child despite earning nearly £150k between them. They say to have two they would need a house when they live in a 3-4 bedroom

There are four of us and my mum knows us all inside out as well. I know loads of people hate their siblings but I really couldn't imagine life without mine.

*need a new house, even

why have more babies if you're getting your kids to look after them?? It's irresponsible. Your older kids deserve a childhood.

Well, in my case my father walked out on us and my mum was forced to work full time in order to feed, house and clothe us, so I did do some babysitting from the age of about 15 onwards. But do continue to hoik your judgypants, won't you .

I had a lovely childhood, despite looking after my young siblings - whom I adore.

I don't think it's just about material possessions (though there's nothing wrong with them ) but about financial security na dhow much one needs to achieve that.

Tertiary education is very expensive, as is housing etc. It will be much harder for the next generation to become independent, than it was for mine. As parents, we want to help them and resources are not infinite.

I know a couple of large families (5/6 kids).

One is DH's, and is quite disfunctional. However, DH and his siblings all think their family is brilliant - he talks about things like "I remember reading books with my sister" as if no one else has ever done them! The older siblings boast that they raised the younger ones - ignoring the fact that there are some serious mental health issues, and younger sister has an eating disorder and anxiety... Obviously that may not stem directly from being raised by siblings, but it certainly seems that none of them have a sensible, secure attachment to their parents. But they seem programmed to believe that their childhood was magical because there were so many of them.

The other large family I know seems less disfunctional, but the mother is involved in every aspect of every child's life, while the dad appears to exist to make the money to pay for them - she won't even let him mind them at home while she goes out to do the grocery shopping. He has to come and sit in the car with them in the car park. It's kind of weird.

But then, I could list lots of disfunctional smaller families too!

Honkinghaddock yes I really disagree with older kids having to look after their siblings ---- why have more babies if you're getting your kids to look after them?? It's irresponsible. Your older kids deserve a childhood.

I don't think it is harmful for older siblings to provide some care for younger ones. My older ones help out. They are not doing this every day or for extended periods and they have their own space and time for hobbies.

I have just had number 3 who is a few weeks old. There are 2 years between each child. I work full time in a city job though have had a year off with each. We have a full time nanny and though I didn't keep our then nanny on when I was on mat leave with number 2, we have kept current one for this mat leave as we love her and want her when I go back. We do not have any family nearby so it is us and our nanny for support.

I do not feel like my family is complete and feel like I def want another! But ask me again in a few months... I know we are very lucky - we are very well off by anyone's standards and have a large house. Husband also works full time in the city but is an amazing father. We absolutely adore our children and though it is hard and we lose our patience sometimes Ithink most of the time we are good parents (!). We have so much love to give them.

However I am very wary that when number 1 starts school this year things will get harder. Also I do not think I want to work full time any more as I think I would not be able to give three or more the proper attention I would like to give them.

Incidentally I am one of three - 2 years between me and one sibling, and 10 years between me and the youngest (I am the oldest). My mother often says that having the youngest with such a big gap was like having an only (for him) as I went to uni when he was 8 and my sister moved out not long after. As a child our house was calm and tbh I don't recall ever thinking I didn't get enough attention but then I think these days we are much more child centric than my parents generation were (though they were v young when they had me). My parents are brilliant parents and I feel like I can tell them anything. They are my rock.

My husband also one of three - the youngest - but sent to boarding school age 7 and tbh I think they all have a very strange relationship with their parents but every family seems weird to your own I think. But def lots of emotional baggage.

I think financial resources and support have a lot to do with how well children of any size family do (no sh it!). Also I think prob a big difference if more children are brought into a family because parents love having children around vs a pressure to have another for some different reason (feel like they should, want an even number - ffs, was a thread on that recently - because they were one of however many and want the same).

Idliketoteach " latchkey kids" and children of parents who are at work when they return from school. That's why they need they house key!

i think having 3 or 4 children would be lovely, if not squeezed in terms of time, money, space, or sanity

for us, we have no more of the above, particularly the latter in my case, and
so we are sticking with two.

i think more than four most be very, very difficult to manage well and fairly, particularly in terms of not parentalising the older ones.

maybebaby I say things like your DB when people ask me about having another DC. The truth is I would go crazy if I had another one now - no exaggeration. I simply could not cope with more right now. If I had endless money and relatives to help out, that make things easier, but in truth it would just be too much for me emotionally and physically to go through another birth, recovery and care for a newborn. If you found it easy to manage two, good for you. For others it's not that simple.

I say things like your DB when people ask me about having another DC. The truth is I would go crazy if I had another one now - no exaggeration. I simply could not cope with more right now. If I had endless money and relatives to help out, that make things easier, but in truth it would just be too much for me emotionally and physically to go through another birth, recovery and care for a newborn. If you found it easy to manage two, good for you.

Did you read my post? I was just about the fact that they say they can't afford one when they can. It's not because they can't cope emotionally.

*that may make things...

And just to add, I doubt my siblings would know how hard I found having DD, so if I say "oh we don't have room" or "oh we can't afford day care" they don't question it. My siblings are actually very kind and we love each other so they don't judge me on it either.

"Very few people claim that they have found the magic correct number, I don't think that acknowledging that your children are happy is overly congratulatory. I regularly acknowledge on here that by MN standards that I am a passably average on a good day."

How do you know your children are happy, that you are meeting their needs, how do you know how they feel about you as a parent, what their childhood experience was?

I say this as a Sah, relatively intelligent mum with great financial resources and a great husband. I still have no idea how my kids will view our parenting and their childhoods - with good and hapoy memories i hope of course but that is up to them, not for me to judge and speak for them.