Smaller families are better for kids?

[FlowersAndShit]

What does everyone think? What was your experience growing up in a small/large family?

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/small-families-are-better-for-children-research-finds-a6793936.html

[Babyroobs]

I have four and we do find it hard working around each other to earn enough money to give them everything they need, so we do lack some family time and can't afford things like foreign holidays very often ( not that I think they are essential for happy kids). I grew up with just one brother and often felt lonely as a child, he now lives miles away and I don't see him often. My dad was an only child so I had no cousins on his side of the family .I hope it will be different for my kids and that they will be close to at least one of their siblings. I hope to have a few grandkids one day .

[honkinghaddock]

I'm one of the elder ones in a very large family. I didn't one myself. I think the older ones can easily become mini parents when they should be enjoying being children.

[teacher54321]

I've got an only child. He doesn't always get his own way and he is better at sharing than plenty of his peers.
I am sick of lazy stereotyping about only children.

[Hulababy]

There is no right answer. What works for one family wouldn't be right for another. There are pros and cons for having any number of children.

I hate the stereotype negativity at both ends of the scale (and tbh everyone in between) - only children are not always spooky and always get their own way, likewise big families don't all neglect their children.

No, two children is NOT always the right amount of children!

[areyoubeingserviced]

I have three , that's just the right amount imho.
Not too big , but not small either

[twirlypoo]

I am youngest of 3 but my parents fostered as well so there was always at least another 2 children yhere, and from the age of 11 there was always another 5 (my parents specialised in taking large sibking groups) i second what someone up thread said about fighting fires - the ones who shout and make the most noise get the most attention, because, well it's fighting fires isn't it? Our family is completely fucked up, and this is one of the main reasons for it, though I appreciate it is a rather unique situation.

I just have one Ds, mostly through circumstance (lone parent) but also because I want my children to have the best that I can offer, and to be honest, I struggle giving that to just one never mind 3/4! This prob says more about me than anything mind!

[throwingpebbles]

Me and DP have four under 10s between us and the kids all think it is heavenly when they are all together for the weekend!! They disappear into their own worlds building dens etc. however , because we don't have all of them all the time we are able to find other times to make sure each child gets 1:1 attention as well. But they definitely have the most fun when all four get together

[OpiesOldLady]

I have four living children. Four amazing, beautiful, happy, noisy kids.

I'm on my own with them, and yes, it's hard, but it's so rewarding too. I do find it difficult sometimes to give them the 1:1 they need, but it seems to work for us.

I'm perpetually tired, I can't remember the last time I went to the loo on my own, had a hot cup of coffee and my washing machine is never off, but we have love here, lots of love. Cheap days out aren't actually cheap x 4, and I've already started saving for next Christmas, but my lot adore each other. Yes, they fight and argue a bit but show me a sibling set that doesn't? They are all very close and I love just hanging back and watching them interact with each other.

I don't think it's selfish that I have a large family. I'm the youngest of 8 children myself. My dad was an only child whereas my mother was one of ten, and all of her siblings have large families too.

[ItsANewDayToday]

Another thing I've noticed over the years is that all the single kids I've known have been lovely, not spoilt and 'normal'. I imagine you have to think about things a bit if you only have one kid but my friends who have done it seem to have been successful.

I think the biggest factor is not actually the numbers of kids but which ones you get. They all have such different personalities. I love mine equally (phew) but they are all so, so very different with their own qualities and, umm, challenges.

[MaisieDotes]

honking yy to the mini-parents thing. My dad grew up with 11 full siblings and 3 step siblings. There were also two DCs that died in infancy and one who grew up elsewhere. So my GF had 18 DCs altogether (his first wife had died. Ireland, yes, but still a big family even by Irish standards. My mum is one of 8.

Dad was 23 when my GF died and before he passed away he told my dad to look after the youngest who was 11 at the time. A big ask and a massive burden on my dad. Loads of dysfunction in that family.

[skankingpiglet]

I've posted before about my experience of being an only. Nothing to do with not sharing although I can be very possessive over my things or being helicoptered (Mum often left me to 'free play'), but shared experiences and family connection in later life. It's not something I'd want for my DD, and all going well she'll have a sibling this summer. We'll be stopping there as we feel that if we had any more we wouldn't be able to give them enough attention. I think, personally, 3 can be ok, but I think it'd get very difficult to give them all everything they need (emotionally and educationally, rather than materially) over that. I'm sure there are exceptions where it is made to work, but doubt that's the norm.

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

I think 2 or 3 is ideal. I grew up with two siblings and then a third sibling when I was much older, and situations like Christmas, holidays and parties are always amazing in big groups. Now that I'm older my DC have cousins, we socialize with my siblings and there'll be lots of support if anything happened to my parents.

I tend to think only children must be quite lonely if the parents don't make an extra effort with play dates / activities etc. And there's always the (morbid 😳) thought that when the parents die, they're completely alone.

[abbsismyhero]

i have three im a single currently sahm and im potty training i wish i had less children today all i get is mooooom moooom then the one who is potty training is pissing on the floor (no idea why he is doing this today when he has been fine all week) the other two flip out about it while im trying to clean it up all i get are shrieks and moans HES DRIPPING EVERYWHERE EW MOOOOOM! like im not already trying to clean it up moooooom why is the floor wet moooooom why isn't he weeing on the potty MOM! LOOK AT THIS all the time im trying to sort out ds3 and revise for my theory test which i have failed twice so far because i cant fucking revise with all this going on ds1 is randomly turning up the volume on his dsi because that is really going to flipping help isn't it!

and breathe!!

one! it should be one child! they should come ready potty trained with an off switch and know how to use cutlery and manners

HT(random rant)H

[ollieplimsoles]

Mil is from a family of 8 kids, every single one of them is damaged in some way and mil is the only one who bothers with the mother now, and that's only out of guilt. She just didn't have the time for them all.

My dad was the same, he's one of 8 and was raised believing siblings are nothing but competition, none of them get on.

Its a generalisation and I know not all large families are like this but its the only two examples ive observed.

We want to home educate too and I want to be able to give my kids as much time as I can on schooling.

[WhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhy]

I grew up in a 'family' of 8 children. Very dysfunctional as different fathers and my mother could not cope. I have always considered myself just one of 8 so not important at all. I cannot remember my mother coming to school parents evenings for example or doing any extra curricular activities (mother was also abusive but that is a different issue). Clothes were hand me downs, totally behind the fashion and stood out like a sore thumb.

I have 4 but with big age gaps (same father) so the older ones have certainly not helped out with the younger ones, far from it! I run myself ragged trying to make sure I don't drop the ball with them and so far, I don't think I have. In an ideal world I would have had 2 - how easy finances would be - but our 2nd child died and I then had very unexpected twins quicky afterwards. Our last DC was a last ditch attempt to replace the baby we lost, very misguided and utterly loved for himself as soon as he was born.

[doitanyways]

Both my parents are dead Mary and I'm far more alone with a disabled sibling than I would be without any.

That said, I am the youngest so I suppose otherwise I wouldn't have been born at all but having a second as insurance against isolation is not the answer. There are a thousand variables and some are wonderful and some are terrible.

What my parents - or rather my dad - did do for me was not to give me a sibling so I wouldn't be alone or try, Jane eyre style, not to die, but to equip me with enough resilience and intelligence to manage difficult situations with (I hope) humour, grace and kindness. I regularly don't manage to be as patient or as caring as I'd like, but I do know if I wasn't here at all the outcomes for my sibling would be pretty dire, so I'm doing what I can.

[Molio]

As the mother of eight mostly grown up DC and having cooked literally hundreds of meals over Christmas, I can say with some feeling that having two would be a lot less effort and that I'd have much more time to spend with them one on one.

My older DC have never parented my younger ones but they were all born very close together, so possibly that's simply because it wasn't an option.

I'm not convinced that parental attention is any better than sibling attention. Siblings can be a lot more fun, and less moany, though no doubt more quarrelsome. Mine are very adaptable and good with house sharing which can be a real skill later on. I don't think any of them feel less loved for having a daft number of siblings.

[lostInTheWash]

I know many happy only DC - and I disagree 2 is an ideal. In my family two DC has the worst dynamic between siblings.

I am glad we stopped with three - despite thinking about 4 as they are demanding in time and energy.


Reading that article is does seem the impact of larger families on outcomes does depend on family resources - more the family has less the impact - and how much support the wider society gives to families.


The book example a good one there - if there is a good library system or school libraries the child can access then having a family that can afford to spend resources on books is going to impact less. Same with schooling - free good state schooling that doesn't rely on parenteral top ups in time, money or resources then the impact is going to be less.

[foragogo]

That's in America as well - in Norway theeffect is negligible. I was the eldest of four, uneducated mother and was the most academic, despite little parental involvement, so didnt really hold true in our house. I did have plenty of resources, books etc. though. Also not convinced about the eldest ones getting better educations, wasn't true for us, the younger two got the raw deal really as money and enthusiasm had run out!

Saying that, I stopped at three for this reason - there is no more time for individual attention if you work after three I think

[MNetter15]

I have 3 and I tend to agree, although I'd never admit that in real life. I find it very hard to meet their individual needs and quite a lot of the time I'm stressed, which they no doubt pick up on.

I'm told that the benefits far outweigh the negatives as they get older though.

[Molio]

WhyohWhy you can't generalize though. I've never missed a single parents' evening and that's with six DC having finished school and only two still there, but in the senior years. Missing parents' evenings and taking no interest in the DCs' education is not a necessary corollary of having a large family.

[LegoRuinedMyFinances]

I stopped at two - not because I wanted a 2.4 family but with two children I'd realised I'd hit my personal limit.

We also did consider the financial impact of another child, but this was a secondary thought process rather than the overriding aspect of the decision. Mine was definitely down to how well I thought I'd cope with three or more.

[honkinghaddock]

The siblings in my large family get on and we have all been reasonably successful. I didn't like as a 7 year old being made to feel that I was responsible for the younger ones and I was determined that this would never happen if I had children.

[BooAvenue]

I think any more than four is crowd control territory and realistically parents won't be able to dedicate very much time individually to each child. Even if one parent is a SAHP, there are still only limited hours in the day when kids aren't at school.

Honestly, I'm an extremely maternal person and would love to have loads of kids, however I have two at the moment (4 1/2 year gap) and I hope to have another in perhaps 4 years, but I think I will stop there, I certainly won't have more than 4 as I personally believe it would be selfish of me and not what's best for future and existing children.

[BrandNewAndImproved]

It's not lazy stereotyping. If both my dc are clamouring for attention then I have to assess and see whos need is more important. They have had to wait. Only dc won't of had this unless from their parents. Childcare and school yes but not from their parents.

Only children are used to being heard, talked to and played with by adults. They are all great things but having two makes this less intense and they don't expect to always be listened to and played with. If I only have one of my dc they want me to play with them in the park, play on the playsation ect with two they bugger off and play together leaving me to read a book and drink a cup of coffee in the park instead.

IF I had one my focus would be on that one, with two I'm split 50/50, having three they can get a third of me which isn't quite enough IMO and four and more I don't think is fair on the dc. Being split in two is hard but doable, I know exactly how my dcs get on in school everyday, they both get time and attention with homework and reading, they take turns helping me in the kitchen and we have the funniest conversations. I don't have it in me to be split on a constant basis into three and I used to have my dds sister staying every weekend so I know how hard it is and theres always one dc being left out.