Smaller families are better for kids?

[FlowersAndShit]

What does everyone think? What was your experience growing up in a small/large family?

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/small-families-are-better-for-children-research-finds-a6793936.html

I am an only child, and had a wonderful childhood and great relationship with both my parents. However, as an adult being an only child is my greatest sadness. Since my dad died I have been totally responsibly for my mum (who has dementia) and I find it extremely difficult emotionally. I also always feel alone, as with my mum's dementia there is no one else who knew me as a child, or shares my blood line, and since I was unable to have children either, I realise my family line is now genetically dead. Not having a sibling is a sadness I feel always.

However, we adopted four wonderful children as little ones - and my reason for adopting four was because they would be together and never know the loneliness I feel. We also now foster carers, three at the moment, so our house is always busy and full, and no one is ever alone. of course some foster children move on after a short while, but others remain and become part of our family always.

Even so I feel a sadness that my children have no aunts and uncles or cousins on my side, but at least they will always have each other.

I'm a foster parent, we have 5 children. I am at home full time, my DH is a teacher who works long hours but is around in the holidays. I'm an only child, and j would say our 5 get loads more attention than I did - a lot is about how motivated you are not the number of children. I think it's much better in my family than my experience of growing up, which was boring, pressurised and lonely. My children get lots of 1-1 and also spend a lot of time entertaining each other. They learn from each other too. We play s lot of board games which are more fun when you can team or gang up, we can go to the park and play rounders or footbAll easily. I hated being an only child, and I hate it as an adult too, no siblings, cousins for my children to play with, I had to take responsibility for my mum alone when she was ill ( and later died) and had no-one to share it with. Lots of children means they have choice of who to be with, 2 sibs don't always get on. However. I don't work outside the home, and my DH us around a lot. We are comfortably off. These things make a big difference.

Glitteryshoes I had to read your post three times because I thought I must have written it and then forgotten. I am also a foster parent, and have four of my own (adopted), and although three have special needs I hope everyone benefits from being together and also like you, I hate being an only child. I am sorry about your mum, I find it difficult to cope with her illness as an only child, and always feel so very alone with no-one to share. But your post has made me smile because I realise there is someone just like me out there too!!! I am so glad I saw your post.

DH is one of four and felt that lonliness and sadness when his dad was ill. His siblings didn't live in the same country. None of them are close. They really don't have each other.

I do think years ago the 'family pulling together' was a big part of having lots of siblings and also a big part of the 'fear' of having an only. Who'll look after them when I'm gone, they'll be all alone etc.

I know a lot of people with siblings who've been alone to deal with elderly parents and death. It's absolutely not exclusive to only children.

Being lonely and being alone are very different things. I've felt very lonely at times and I have three siblings.

I'm one of 6 and near the oldest - I looked after my siblings ever since I can remember. When the oldest was 10 the youngest was 6minths.

We have 2 and that's more than enough for me

My parents had many children and were able to provide for us physically and financially. Emotionally, however, we were skint.

I don't recall ever having a one to one conversation with either parent until they met me at the hospital after I was attacked at 16. Even then it just felt weird and uncomfortable, I didn't know them or want them.

All of us have gone on to have small families, 1-4. I know some on here are talking about their big families of 4 but to me that still seems tiny.

My children are lavished with attention but this is not necessarily a good thing. I fear I have spolit my eldest who was an only child for several years. The others don't know any differently to having to take turns and are by comparison easy, breezy kids.

It's hard to get it right and I have no doubt that my own children will want to do things differently with their kids.

I think two is the right amount

Speak for yourself

Larger families are not necessarily a bunch of children all a similar age demanding the same individual time and attention. Nor is a lot of 'crowd control' necessarily required.
I have 5 children, over a 19 year period. The three older ones had a great time growing up together and are still, as young adults, very close. They don't need a lot of individual time with me.
I have two primary age children, who are also good friends, and love having their older siblings play with and babysit for them, as well as the time their dad and I spend with them.
I sincerely doubt that any of my children feel hard done by.

I'm really struggling to decide whether we are done or not, DH is the same. Neither of us can say we are done or let's go for DC3 for definite. Everyone I know thinks I will have another but I still don't know.

It's interesting reading this thread but what has struck me is very few people here have 3 or are 1 of 3. I wouldn't have 4 (even though I used to say that's how many I wanted). My problem is I have ME/CFS and whilst I can't work, I manage well enough day to day. Both of mine are at school now and I do feel sad that I don't have a little one around anymore. Both DCs want another sibling (although eldest changed his mind when we said he would have to share his big room with a probable 9 year age gap or go into the smaller room so 2 girls could share, he didn't like either scenario).

My issue is probably my tiredness on bad days and my absolute lack of patience at times. I feel like such a bad parent at times because I know it's more about me not them. DS is also testing us to the limit with his attitude at the moment and whilst my 2 have lovely moments, they often don't get on and I worry that they won't bother with each other when they are adults. Sometimes I wonder if another would dilute it down a bit.

DH is 1 of 2, we haven't seen SIL in a couple of years despite her living 15 minutes away. They just aren't close at all. I am one of 5 but we are all half and step and didn't grow up together. 3 did and they are all close and I am extremely envious of their relationship. I'm the oldest but I feel very forgotten about. Then I'm 15 years older than the youngest and I have no relationship with her as we have nothing in common and she is quite different to me and I just can't relate to her.

I'd say there is no magic number but it is purely down to whether you can be a good parent to the number of children you have and that is unique to each family. One thing I was absolute on was that my children would all have the same parents, live in the same house and be married. Definitely the opposite to everyone in my family and I didn't like growing up feeling like I had this huge dysfunctional family that I had to always explain (and still do sometimes). I want stability for my DCs and to know that their parents love them more than anything.

I am one of three, I really grew up only with one sibling, the other is much younger. Big families always looked like fun to me. But, I can't help noticing that on this thread it is mums of big families who are the most enthusiastic about large families. Meanwhile, the adult children weighing in are offering qualified praise at best.

2016 I notice that too, and then wonder why this is always the case - people seem to pop more to talk about negative experiences, perhaps skewing the results.

I have four sisters as does my dh I can sing praises of both

'There is no right or wrong, just circumstances.'

This. I have an only. It wasn't my plan to do this but it was my choice, in the end. It isn't ideal and I doubt very much he would choose the same thing for himself. However, I know why I made the choice and would probably just about do the same again. I think. His needs are often quite a long way down the list tbh, I think if anything he is neglected rather than spoilt.

There is no correct number I think, I do believe that you should only have children you can afford to raise and not have to rely on the state to support you. Sadly there is a lot of women that continue to have babies so they don't have to go to work, these children become 'latchkey' kids and end up running with the wrong crowd, I see it all the time with some families that have 6,7 kids.
I agree that child benefit should be restricted to 2 children. It's hard being a parent, but having to attend to the needs properly of 6 or 7 children must be so hard and also hard on the children, especially if one or more children have some form
Of disability!

I have 4 but with quite big age gaps.i did loads with the eldest 2 ,but the younger pair were mu h more interested in doing stuff with older siblings than with me and dh.so I think you have to be careful. Yes they may have less attention from pArents but there are more people to give them it.also I am a bit unsure about parents playing so much with kids.I think it stifles their creativity a lot

2016
Yes, I noticed that too but then which of us would happily say 'well in retrospect I think I had more children than I could parent quite as I would have wished.

There is no perfect number and I believe there are absolutely pros and cons.

I didn't 'pop up to talk about negative stuff' nor, again do I have a chip on my shoulder.
The premise of the op was about how your experience affected your choice so I was, obviously focusing on the reasons why I would never have a large family.

That doesn't mean it was entirely a negative experience. There were bonuses. I have brilliant memories of all eight of us in the garden playing games until it got so dark we couldn't see anything. And sharing a room with older sisters - watching them getting made up and doing their hair and laughing, playing Motown and dancing. Some lovely memories. But for me the pluses would never make up for the minuses.

I also feel that, particularly with a large family, siblings have very different experiences. My eldest sister was very close to my dad and would talk happily about what a warm, interesting guy he was. For me, at the other end of the family, he was working much longer hours, busier with my older siblings and, whilst lovely, literally had less time for me. Every child has a different perspective for throroughly understandable reasons.

I'm sure lots of people can manage big families. It's not something I would have been happy to try.

Parents were from huge Catholic families. They only had 3 kids. I went on to have four and I'm done at that number.

I feel, hope, that all of mine get the emotional attention they need. I think that it needs to be worked into the day and I do keep a running total in my head of daily one on one attention.

I play on the Xbox with DS (which I hate). He knows I hate it and I think he appreciates it even more because of that. Also a daily 30 minute play fight/wrestle is one of his favourite things. DD stays up 40 mins after her siblings so gets her one on one time then. Other DD is my little shadow and we do lots together. She often comes and finds me to chat throughout the day, she's also the only one who still gets tucked in with a book. Other DD is just a baby so I think BF and cuddling covers her attention needs.

My H is one of four, he is he first to admit he didn't realise how much he missed out on attention wise until he had his own children as his Mum didn't have time and his Dad didn't do playing.

I am one of 5 and I absolutely loved it. To me, my siblings are the best gift my parents could have given me. We support each other, laugh together and our kids get on brilliantly. I have 3 DC but would have happily had 5. Only thing that stopped me was age. As with any other set-up there are downsides to large families but for me and my siblings, we would not have chosen anything different.

I don't know.

I'm youngest of two. My dad was insistent on only two so if my mom hadn't miscarried a baby after my brother was born I wouldn't be here, which is odd to think about.

Growing up was lonely. We moved 1000 miles away from all our extended family when I was 8, and only saw grandparents etc maybe once a year after that. I am close with the cousins on my dad's side now but the ones on my mom's are strangers, as are my uncles and aunts. It's strange because I have lots of pictures of me being held by them when I was little and it's obvious we were close then, though I have no memories of that.

My brother, as I always say, was a difficult child who grew into a difficult man. He took a lot of my parents' time and attention because he had such issues (wouldn't go to school, ran away from home, drank heavily at 14, etc). And he was just...not nice to me. We were never close. We are a bit now that we live a few hundred miles apart and are in our thirties. We love each other but I don't always particularly like him.

I always said I'd have more than two. I know I'm the one who will have to make decisions when my parents get old and things like that. I have a brother, but when it comes to things like that I may as well be an only child. So I wanted more than two.

I have three now and I'm finding it hard, but as youngest DS is only 7 months I think it will get easier. I may want another in a few years. It all depends on the kids I already have, though. My oldest DS is 8 and going through a hard time atm. He needs a lot emotionally and if that doesn't change I won't have more.

My aunt and uncle have six and appear to have done a brilliant job. All the kids are cheerful, helpful, funny people who seem to adore each other.

Such an interesting thread, thanks. OP. Although there are exceptions I think that dcs do get more attention in smaller families. I would have loved to have been an exception, but realistically given financial and dh's patenting expectations we did the right thing stopping at 2. I suspect that the best and worst experiences are both found in big (4+) families. I would like to believe it would have been wonderful, but I do wonder.... too late now.

My parents are both from families of five - only one of the ten siblings has as many children as my GPs did (though it still means that from the ten siblings and their partners have come 25 more children, 46 grandchildren... I find the exponential growth disturbing to contemplate). One side is very close knit and it's interesting to me that in that family, siblings seem to have more influence on decision-making than children, and there is not much acknowledgement that this is unusual. The other side is close up to a point but is so spread out over 20 years that the families of the siblings are more separate. That seems more typical.

I'll freely admit that as the parent of an only I have no idea how to manage the competing needs even of two children. Given that all parents are better at some things and better at some stages than others, it does seem a huge challenge, but I can see the role of siblings in improving that - I know my sister tried very hard to make my parents' abdication of any form of sex education better for me. Managing the needs of my child and my partner is the challenge for me.

I don't think anyone should plan to have more children than they can personally cope with. That might be 1 child or 8, there is no right or wrong .

For me, I have 1 and would maybe like another one day, but I wouldn't put money on that! It's certainly not a priority for me for a while and I'm not exactly young.

I know adults who were only children who are very well adjusted and successful in life. I also know adults who come from larger families who are no nicer, less selfish or better adjusted than the onlies and who can't stand the sight of their siblings. I think it helps that we live close to London where there seem to be a lot of only children (where we live at least) due to necessity really as child care costs are so high (I think).

Also, I think I would probably have to be committed if I went through the same labour, recovery and newborn phase I had with DD again - while also caring for a toddler too. Personally, I'd rather DD stayed an only child with a mother who can actually parent than one of two with a mother who was very unhappy and unable to cope.

I am an only child and yes, I got lots of attention .

It probably set me up for life as I'm a writer and can happily spend any number of hours world building.

In fact, there is evidence of many only children in the arts ( or the youngest child with a large gap).

Quite hard now Mum is older though. All my responsibility. Hey ho.

As for larger families, well I see some doing it very well indeed but it would not be for me. Little physical or emotional space even for those with large houses, much cash and domestic help.

Those without those three things must be stretched. Which I wouldn't enjoy and it wouldn't be how I want to bring up my family.

I'm with you Cake. Some people are amazing with five and some people struggle with one. It's not right or wrong, it's just personalities.

I have a friend with two. Oldest is an amazingly calm child...plays well on her own, very docile, sweet etc. The younger is, I'd say, on the "exuberant" end of normal toddler behavior. Very boisterous, noisy, stubborn, etc. My friend finds him very hard to deal with and often comments that she would not have had more if he had been her first. So I think the personalities of the children matter a lot...you take them as they come.

I'm from a family of six - we all landed on our feet whether we pursued tertiary education on not. But attention was lacking - both my parents drank heavily, my eldest sister was a puedo parent. They had their favourite son who got spoiled both with attention and presents. I remember craving attention - just a bit, just to be noticed a little. We had some good times of course but the fighting for attention, resources, and the politics within the family is tiring, they are blood but if we speak once a year it's unusual.
Their parenting skills were appalling - my mum tells me she should have stopped at 4 kids - I was number 5 - she thinks it's funny that I was hurt when she told me that!
No surprise then that none of us wanted a big family and we moved as far away as we could manage.