Smaller families are better for kids?

[FlowersAndShit]

What does everyone think? What was your experience growing up in a small/large family?

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/small-families-are-better-for-children-research-finds-a6793936.html

X post! Did you read mine? I would say I can't afford it as I don't want them to know the truth.

That^^ was at maybebaby obviously

cake well that may be the case with you, it isn't the case with DB and SIL as she tells me way more personal stuff than that!!!

I don't care how many kids they have, just to clarify, my point was that it's just a bit nuts in this day and age to genuinely feel you can't afford and don't have room for more than one child when you earn upwards of £150k, have no mortgage and a 4 bedroom house.

How do you know your children are happy, that you are meeting their needs, how do you know how they feel about you as a parent, what their childhood experience was?

I know as well as any other parent. Ours is a jolly household, someone is always laughing. Our children are affectionate with each other and with us. We constantly have guests as the children bring home friends, they have pride in their family. They are doing well at school. If we go on a day out and ask if the older ones want to come along they often do. They have individual hobbies and interests , they all have something they are good at.

Look at the end of the day everyone messes their kids up to some extent. I know only children who are massively resentful of their parents for not having any other children, and people who come from big families who are also massively resentful of their siblings. And I know onlies who wouldn't have it any other way, and people with siblings who wouldn't have it any other way.

There's just no way of generalising, surely. There's no point in having a bunfight about it. We all just try to do the best we can for our DC. I'm sure my mum didn't plan on having me look after my siblings when I was a teenager but unfortunately because my father was crap she had no other choice. In my family we were brought up to muck in and help each other out anyway, that's just the way it was and it worked well for us.

I have a cousin who's an only and she could do with a good deal less attention, actually.

How do you measure attention, though? And is it necessarily a positive thing always?

I know of only children whose parents seem to have very little time for them. I know of large families where there is more than enough attention to go round, even though resources are stretched.

And, as the current mantra is "parents fuck you up", does it make any difference how you parent anyway, really? As my daughter has matured, I realise that many things you sweat when they're little make you laugh at yourself when they're older, and you wonder why you were so worried. I remember crying with frustration in Tesco because I couldn't get baby dd to eat anything.

I also worried so much about her being an only, and therefore "lonely" child that I seemed to spend most of my time ensuring she had company. I was exhausted and anxious because of it.

I wonder if we sometimes take parenting too seriously.

I'm the youngest of seven children; a fact that has hardly benefited me at all. I was constantly the baby, lots of things were 'too good' for me, pushed around by certain older siblings, smothered by mother and awkward relationship with my father. In other words, not at all well prepared for adulthood. They should have tied a knot in it much sooner.

I think some kids get too much attention, hovering over, defending etc etc and a bit of 'healthy neglect' wouldn't do them any harm. I'm not sure what the optimum number is, but I don't think children in families of more than 3 or 4 children are necessarily disadvantaged.
Learning to fend for yourself, help out with younger children, fight your corner and also your own battles, can be very good for a child.

I know my five children inside out as well! I have a great relationship with all of them, every one of them can talk to me about any issues they have big or small. They have told me things and opened up to me about issues that a lot of children might hide. It's the one thing I know I've got right. We are very close, and very open with each other. I'm not saying there won't be things they will hide from me one day, no one can say that, but so far we are doing great.

Like I said, mine don't want much one on one time with us. They prefer to do things with their siblings. If I ask one to do something with just me they pretty much always ask if another sibling or all of them can join in as well. They aren't starved for attention, their needs are being met. They love each other's company, they argue a lot but they still prefer to do most things together.

Whether or not they will grow up and love coming from a big family remains to be seen obviously, but I can't imagine any of them saying they weren't loved, cared for and starved of attention.

I can't help noticing that on this thread it is mums of big families who are the most enthusiastic about large families. Meanwhile, the adult children weighing in are offering qualified praise at best.

This.

Meanwhile, the adult children weighing in are offering qualified praise at best.

I'm an adult child of a large family (4 siblings). I've offered what I thought was massive praise at several points.

vienna Being smothered by your mum and having an awkward relationship with your dad don't sound connected to having a large family. Are you really saying you wish you hadn't been born?

I come from a large family and when growing up I can't remember 1-1 time with my parents, however we had a lot of happy memories and tbh I love spending time as a family.

I can't help noticing that on this thread it is mums of big families who are the most enthusiastic about large families. Meanwhile, the adult children weighing in are offering qualified praise at best.

Yes, but this is mumsnet, where women talk mainly about parenting and are at a time of life when they are often primarily focused on their identities as parents. Therefore the 'parenting side' will always be over-represented in comparison to the child side in comments. Add to that the fact that people with a negative experience are always more likely to talk about it than people whose experience was unremarkable or 'fine'; you'd be foolish to draw conclusions from this set of responses. Very useful individual anecdotal data though. Just don't assume the proportionate representation means anything.

I have just one child - I just couldn't manage more than one! I see others and am impressed but I can barely manage one.
Am not super organised and we both work FT. I see her 3-4 hours per day during the week, and I see she learns more from others. If I had two and had to split my time it would be a disaster.

I agree November. My cousin (she's almost 10) is an only and her parents have too much time and money, seriously.

They fret over every little thing...what she eats, how she sleeps, things that she's afraid of...they insist on analyzing her every move when she just needs them to let her be every now and then.

She could use a sibling or two to spread things out.

Surely the best size of family depends on the personalities of all involved? I have a small number of children because dh and I are quite quiet sorts and I couldn't imagine being able to cope with a house full. But the people I know who have 5 kids absolutely thrive on it.

(You never know if your children are going to be introverted or extroverted I suppose!)

I think a lot would depend on the nature of your children as to whether they'd be happier in a small or large family.

While growing up, I would have loved to have been an only child. Now, I'm very grateful for my sister (brother, not so much) and glad I have her. My mother was an only, and made sure that I wasn't, as she'd hated it so much.

Would I have liked a larger family - God no!

I have 2 DSs. Although every now and then I wish I could have had a little girl, I always swore (as one of 3) that I wouldn't have 3 children - so even if I was younger, no more for me! (Age kind of precludes any more as well)

But I have several friends here with 4+ children - 2 with blended families, but the children all live with the mother - and they all seem to be very happy with having that many children.

I think DS1 would love to have more siblings; not so sure about DS2, he's quite possessive.

It depends on what you deem to be a small/big family. I am/was one of three children and I have three children myself, I don't really consider our family big but I do have to make a conscious effort to ensure that each of my children get enough one to one time with me and also with my husband. I know that if i went on to have a fourth or subsequent child that I would struggle to be able to give them the same amount of time and attention, but that's just me.

Im 1 of 2 and almost felt as if someone was missing, and would've loved to have another sibling. 2 kids/2 parents is still a pretty small group on holiday/to a restaurant etc, if both parents are talking and kids are then left and your younger brother is getting on your nerves and you have nothing to say to each other, its annoying and a bit lonely. I feel I want 3, currently 21 weeks with DC2 everyone is saying I'll change my mind and leave it at 2, but I still strongly feel I'd like 3.

Its so personal peaseinpod isn't it. My dsis and I were thick as thrives and db felt (and still feels) like an interloper, I didn't want 3.

Ocado do still use verified by visa, it flashes up when you pay. However. I havent had to verify anything on my visa debit card for a while now on ocado or anywhere else, whereas i used to be asked for everything,even £10 on dc school dinners.