Smaller families are better for kids?

[FlowersAndShit]

What does everyone think? What was your experience growing up in a small/large family?

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/small-families-are-better-for-children-research-finds-a6793936.html

[Philoslothy]

Very few people claim that they have found the magic correct number, I don't think that acknowledging that your children are happy is overly congratulatory. I regularly acknowledge on here that by MN standards that I am a passably average on a good day.

[doitanyways]

Am with you on that, Caprini. All the way

[BessieBlount]

I think you sound like you have a massive chip on your shoulder. You say you were loved and well cared for. Essentially then, your parents did their job perfectly well. If they'd had 4, no doubt you would have been unhappy with that too.

And 4 is the magic number for us actually. It feels very right. I'm not indulging in self congratulatory posturing though. I certainly never thing I have this parent lark in any way perfected. All I can do is love them, care for them and be there if they need me. Which, by your own admission is exactly what your own parents did. I really don't understand why you seem so angry at them unless there is something else.

[BessieBlount]

And being sure you've had the right number of children for your family in no way implies you're cocky about your parenting skills.

[Caprinihahahaha]

No, really not at all.
My parents were great. I just think it's too much to expect of two people to cope with the emotional needs of so many kids.

But no chip. Being aware that love has its limitations does not make one chippy.

Being one of the last born I'm rather grateful for their optimism.


I could as easily accuse others of convenient projection.

[Caprinihahahaha]

Lol at being 'angry'

[Cnmorgan13]

I am an only child, currently pregnant and planning on only having one. I never felt left out or alone when I was a child. I was never spoiled, taught to appreciate anything that was given to me and not take things for granted. I plan to raise my child with the same values.

[bruffin]

Bessieblount
I know two people who are the youngest of 7 and 9 and although they were loved and cared for, neither are very happy about being part of a very large family and are always very negative about the experience. One only has 1 child and the other has 3. Just because the parent may think it is all wonderful, doesnt mean to say it is the same from the child's POV.
A bit like the HE boards where the parents keep saying it is all so perfect, but unitl the children are grown up and get a voice of their own, nobody is going to know really how successful the experience is.

[doitanyways]

Whenever I feel resentful at being stuck with my brother, I have to remind myself I am the second born of two children!

[Caprinihahahaha]

I've also said that we all just do our best and can never be sure we did it right.

[fucking chippy apparently]

[GlitteryShoes]

I'm a foster parent, we have 5 children. I am at home full time, my DH is a teacher who works long hours but is around in the holidays. I'm an only child, and j would say our 5 get loads more attention than I did - a lot is about how motivated you are not the number of children. I think it's much better in my family than my experience of growing up, which was boring, pressurised and lonely. My children get lots of 1-1 and also spend a lot of time entertaining each other. They learn from each other too. We play s lot of board games which are more fun when you can team or gang up, we can go to the park and play rounders or footbAll easily.
I hated being an only child, and I hate it as an adult too, no siblings, cousins for my children to play with, I had to take responsibility for my mum alone when she was ill ( and later died) and had no-one to share it with.
Lots of children means they have choice of who to be with, 2 sibs don't always get on.
However. I don't work outside the home, and my DH us around a lot. We are comfortably off. These things make a big difference.

[BessieBlount]

Again, all subjective. To me 8 would definitely be too many in any practical or emotional sense. But 4, to me, is a good dynamic. Lots of banter and having to compromise. Loud and often chaotic, but in an organised way. I'm sure your parents thought the same about 8, assuming it was their choice.
I know my grandmother had 12 and died when the youngest was just 3, at just 41. I don't believe she would have chosen that short hard life but being Catholic, she probably felt she had no choice.

And yes, one or more of mine may well grow up and decide just to have 1 or 2 themselves. And that's fine by me as it will be their choice for their lifestyle. As long as they grow up to be kind and compassionate and feeling we did our best as parents then that's all that matters and I'll have done my job.

[GlitteryShoes]

Ps my children are very happy. When a child moves in they get very excited about new arrivals, and we do seem to be a magnet for other children. My eldest us 21 and has no regrets at all, and jumps straight back in when home from uni ( he actually comes home quite a lot as he lives the chorus of happy greetings he says)

[Caprinihahahaha]

Well yes. Quite obviously.

[BessieBlount]

bruffin, I agree mostly. But I never profess to it being some sort of Darling buds of May utopia. But nor do I see it as any less wonderful than being an only or one of 2. I'm sure your anecdotes are true but there's plenty on this thread and others where people wish they had not been an only or that it wasn't just them and a brother whom they are in no way close to.

I think my children's experience will be unique to them. My 12yr old would have maybe been happier as an only, my 10yr old would like us to have more children. I also think, crucially, is the fact that we can afford to have 4. So they're not living in poverty where we have a tiny amount that now needs to go further. The link in the op makes quite clear that poverty is a major factor in situations where children from large families under achieve.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

I have four. DH and I both work full time.
No idea what the perfect number is, I was one of three and hated it, DH is one of two and is not close to his sibling. Our dc's seem happy enough no doubt they will do their own thing when they grow up and either have large or small families. We all say we won't repeat our parents mistakes but instead we make our own.

[ItsANewDayToday]

The truth is that a huge number of posters are posting bollocks without intending to.

This has to be the quote of the day. . It could be MN new slogan.

[Youknowitmakessense]

We only have one child, can't afford more.

Maybe our son will grow up jealous of others for having siblings? W scant control that! We can only do our best, and our best is to give him as much love and robust self esteem as possible so that he can form successful relationships of his own.

He is ( at 4) I think pretty content and very loved.

My eldest sister has 5 kids, they are reasonable evenly spread out in age. All happy, loved, very well cared for.

There is no right or wrong, just circumstances.

[Philoslothy]

Just because your children choose to do differently for their own families does not mean that you chose wrongly for them.

My first son has aspergers, he also suffers from depression and struggles to form and maintain relationships. He is very academic and enjoys quiet time on his own. He may well never have children, he may choose to only have 1. That does not mean that as parents we did wrong to have 6. We are just different people facing different challenges.

Dd2 is quite a character and she tells us that she is never having any children! She is the most self centred of our children and quite materialistic.

Dd1 has said a few times to me that she would like a large family. However that depends on the person that she meets and whether she would be able to earn enough to support them as well as other emotional and physical limitations.

[lostinmiddlemarch]

Many children from big families with a SAHP receive more attention than children from 'small' families with two busy working parents.

The more siblings you have, the more people to stand by you in adulthood and be friends with.

I have two children and my DH and I have always wanted a 'big' family. I look at them and their pleasure in each other and think 'How could I not want to meet their siblings - what could possibly be more important than learning to love (and live with) another person?'.

Growing up, I learnt more about how to be a decent person and treat others well through being a sister than in any other way. I also think a parent who is good at being a parent does not necessarily need that much 'one on one' time because they can relate to each child well regardless of the group dynamic. But you have to be present a lot to have that level of control. I don't think it's achievable if you only see the kids for an hour before bedtime 5 nights a week.

[MTWTFSS]

There is no correct number! Depends on circumstance, financial situations, and the children you already have.

[Molio]

Philoslothy your reference to your son prompts me to say that those with large families but no serious health issues with any of their DC should thank their lucky stars. That takes things to a different level, whatever the family size. I find what many MN posters have to manage in terms of DC illness extremely humbling. Even eight healthy children doesn't compare.

[Philoslothy]

Molio he was our first so even if we had stopped at one child we would have had a child with special needs. But yes I guess that the bigger your family the more likely you are to encounter some kind of additional need or complication.

Now that we understand him he is not that much additional work, I certainly don't face the challenges that some other MNers do.

[VinoTime]

I have one child - an 8yo DD.

She's wonderful. And I have absolutely no desire to have another. One is the perfect amount for me. I'm a single parent and I genuinely love our little family setup.

She is by no means under the impression that she has all of my time and attention. I work. I have housework to do. I have a dog to walk, meals to cook and washing to sort. 50% of my time is often taken up by ensuring life keeps on ticking by in our house. She is well aware that sometimes she simply has to wait. But the time that she does get doesn't need to be shared by multiple others. I never suffer from feeling guilty about not having enough time with her because it isn't being divided.

Having an only comes with so many perks, a lot of them financial. Holidays, weekend trips, theater tickets, experiences, hobbies and after school clubs, even things like shoes and clothing. I feel like I'm able to give her the best I possibly can because with one, it's affordable.

I have an incredibly happy, intelligent, thoughtful and fun little girl. I wouldn't change life with her for a second