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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AAAH friend and money what do I do?

60 replies

PotterBot · 02/01/2016 11:07

About 3 years ago a friend of mine was very hard up. She phoned me crying and asked for help, I know it must have taken a lot for her to do that but she is my oldest friend. I sent her £500 and then on another occasion sent her £250.

I am a single mum myself, she is married. She never told her husband she borrowed the money from me as far as I am aware.

3 years on, I am now in a tight spot with money. She always tells me how skint she is still but her kids both got those segway/hover things for Christmas, she now works and her husband now is in steady employment too.

How do I approach this? There was never a suggestion that the money was a gift, I don't have that much to give away but how do I ask for it back? A payment plan like £20 a week isn't really going to help at the moment.

Thanks

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 02/01/2016 11:09

After 3 years with no agreement in place for it to be paid back I think a payment plan is all you can hope for really.

She may think it's a gift if you didn't discuss it and haven't talked about it in 3 years

DoreenLethal · 02/01/2016 11:12

'Hi - I hope you are well - I am also hoping you are now in a position to pay me back the £750 that I lent you? I am ridiculously skint chuck so can you sort it ASAP. Ta.'

lanbro · 02/01/2016 11:12

Horrible situation, I think you have to prepare yourself to either right it off or approach her dh.

I have learnt the hard way never to loan anything you can't afford to give away.

lanbro · 02/01/2016 11:13

Or even write it off!

LagunaBubbles · 02/01/2016 11:16

Was she aware it was a loan? You don't mention in your post what if any arrangement was originally in place to pay it back.

Original poster

PotterBot · 02/01/2016 11:18

I said at the time it was a loan but she has been in a bad way financially for a few years so did not approach it. She is now back on her feet with a job and her husband is now working steadily whereas he was doing odd bits before, so now I feel that she would possibly have a bit extra to start paying me back. I hate asking for it because it was so long ago but now need it or should I just write it off as pp said?

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/01/2016 11:26

Ask her! Just say what you said here. 'I know you've been hard up so I never asked before but now you're on your feet I need that money back please'
Don't drop it!

lordStrange · 02/01/2016 11:27

Doreen has it right.

kaitlinktm · 02/01/2016 11:30

I think it would be a shame to write it off without saying anything further. If you don't ask, you definitely don't get. £750 is a lot of money.

You could send a very polite email mentioning that you had waited a good while because you knew she had been struggling financially but now that they are both in regular work and you are struggling, you really could do with being repaid. Then at least she knows you need it and are expecting it to be repaid - if she then says no, well that's more difficult, but at least you then know she is not much of a friend.

Am trying to think of a way you could make sure her DH knew about it, but I can't.

Evabeaversprotege · 02/01/2016 11:33

Why have you waited three years?

Original poster

PotterBot · 02/01/2016 11:37

I've waited because it's only been up until recently that she has been really struggling. And also I wasn't in a spot for the money whereas at the moment I am as exh has suddenly decided to stop any financial help towards the dc. So the money would help me enormously at the moment.

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 02/01/2016 11:38

I think you need to accept that you're not going to see that money again. 3 years is a long time and if she had any intention of paying you back she would have mentioned it. If she was any sort of friend when her and her husband were back on their feet she would have brought it up. How long ago did they both start working regularly?

Original poster

PotterBot · 02/01/2016 11:39

Over the last six months it seems things have improved for them.

OP posts:

nanetterose · 02/01/2016 11:43

I think it is time to ask. You have been a wonderful friend to lend it in the first place.
now, as her situation has improved, she must honor the debt.

Good luck with keeping it calm and friendly.

kaitlinktm · 02/01/2016 11:43

I think it is possible that she won't pay it back, yes - but you should certainly ask and let her know how broke you are. Also if she delays or prevaricates then you should put your case more strongly - ask if she really thinks it's fair that you should just give her £750?

STILL pondering on how to make sure her DH knows - although he might be as bad as she is.

Evabeaversprotege · 02/01/2016 11:45

I hope you get it back, but if she has went this long and neither of you have mentioned paying it back, then I doubt she has any intention of doing so.

BedTimeNow · 02/01/2016 11:45

I understand you need the money now op but it's been 3 years and you haven't mentioned it once?

She probably thought you were being a very good friend whilst lending her that money.
what if your ex was still paying you money

would you have even thought about asking her?

mummytippy · 02/01/2016 11:45

You just need to be completely honest.
You've left it until now because you've felt awkward not knowing her true financial circumstances.
Definitely ask for your money and tell your friend that you're asking her out of necessity as you're currently in the shoes she was in when she asked you for the loan. If she's a good friend she'll understand and sort something out and pay you back. After all it was a loan.

OOAOML · 02/01/2016 11:48

£750 is, as others have said, a lot of money. If she'd borrowed that from a bank she'd be paying a whack of interest as well. For that level of money, I think you really have to ask her about paying it back. She's been in tough financial circumstances, she will hopefully understand. Maybe she's feeling awkward about raising the subject? I think you have to ask, because a) you need the money and b) if you don't it will always be at the back of your mind and sour the friendship anyway.

nocabbageinmyeye · 02/01/2016 11:48

"I hate having to ask, I was hoping you'd mention it now you are working, but can you pay me back the 750 I loaned you? Things are right here and having that back before the end of next month would really help" That's giving her two months effectively. You have to ask, did she not mention the 500 when she came back for the second installment of 250?

Ditsy4 · 02/01/2016 11:50

I know how difficult this is. My husband let my sister off on some money owed on a joint property on the agreement that when we sold the house she would pay it. Still waiting two years now. She promises gets our bank details shows all the signs of paying it then doesn't. We are better off than her so don't whether that is why and we could write it off but I feel it is the principle of the thing and my other sister did the same and paid straight away and is also a single parent. I don't want to fall out with her over it but it has caused problems. DH has sent quite a few letters and we saw her for a short time last Oct but I couldn't bring it up and spoil our few hours together.

If you live close could you go around for a coffee and explain you are in difficulties. Hopefully she will offer if not you will have to broach the subject. If you can't do it face to face could you write a note saying you feel difficult asking but could she see her way to...state an agreeable some to be paid off regularly... Repaying her loan.

Viviennemary · 02/01/2016 11:53

Ask straight out for the money back. If she refuses end the friendship. what is the point of being friends with a selfish sponger like this. You haven't asked because you felt sure she would offer to repay before now. And tell her husband. Don't let people walk over you like this. Hope things work out.

longtimelurking · 02/01/2016 11:54

Realistically you are never getting that money back OP. A real friend would have at least mentioned it over the last 3 years, even if they didn't necessarily have the funds to pay it back right away.

I think as soon as you raise this you can kiss goodbye to the 'friendship'.

ohtheholidays · 02/01/2016 11:56

Do not write it off OP,£750 is alot of money and you can not afford to write it off.

She knew it was a loan so for her to not have paid any of it back is disgusting behaviour.She's okay now with money you are not.Like another poster said tell her your now skint like she was when you loaned her the money so you need her to pay the loan back.x

ohtheholidays · 02/01/2016 11:58

If she refuses don't just back off it's your money!

If she does start to look like she's going to be a twat about it all have you got any texts,emails,voice mail,letters,notes anything that talks about the money she lent you?

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