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AIBU?

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Original poster

AAAH friend and money what do I do?

60 replies

PotterBot · 02/01/2016 11:07

About 3 years ago a friend of mine was very hard up. She phoned me crying and asked for help, I know it must have taken a lot for her to do that but she is my oldest friend. I sent her £500 and then on another occasion sent her £250.

I am a single mum myself, she is married. She never told her husband she borrowed the money from me as far as I am aware.

3 years on, I am now in a tight spot with money. She always tells me how skint she is still but her kids both got those segway/hover things for Christmas, she now works and her husband now is in steady employment too.

How do I approach this? There was never a suggestion that the money was a gift, I don't have that much to give away but how do I ask for it back? A payment plan like £20 a week isn't really going to help at the moment.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
PotterBot · 02/01/2016 12:02

When she came back for the second amount she said I hate having to ask again and at that point the £250 was all I could help with as I didn't want to keep adding to it. I don't particularly want to text her so will arrange to meet up and say can you start paying it back.

I fucking hate confrontation it makes me so uncomfortable!

OP posts:
knobblyknee · 02/01/2016 12:03

If I had borrowed that much money and not said anything for 3 years I wouldnt be able to look you in the face.

Ask for it back. I know it will be embarrassing, but if you think about it, you didnt cause this situation. YANBU, and you are a better friend than she is.Brew

ps can you lend me a tenner Grin

Jessbow · 02/01/2016 12:03

The other approach of course would be that if she thought it was a gift, now she is on her feet and you are about to land on your bum maybe she could gift you the same

Quite how you'd word that I dont know! Either way, you need to say something.

Queenbean · 02/01/2016 12:07

Agree with Doreen's message

The longer you leave it the harder it will be to ask for it back. Give her plenty of notice

TiredButFineODFOJ · 02/01/2016 12:11

Phone her up crying and ask her for help!
She did and you helped her. Same situation but in reverse.

GloriaHotcakes · 02/01/2016 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaCabbage · 02/01/2016 12:19

If you hate confrontation, why can't you text or email? Much easier. Also I would suggest keeping it brief, no need for loads of explanations or anything. good luck, she's cheeky.

gamerchick · 02/01/2016 12:21

I agree with a PP. ask her once (and I would do it in front her her husband tbh) and if she doesn't pay then dump her arse.

I had to do the same last year after being bumped 400 quid. She's well cross because I've cut off the gravy train in general which just told me she is a pisstaking freeloader in general.

If you don't ask or have some sort of ending then it'll eat away at your friendship anyway. Send a text if you can't face it but you need to ask. She won't offer.

MooseTrap · 02/01/2016 12:25

First of all you need to try to stop feeling any embarrassment or awkwardness about this. You kindly lent her money and she has embarrassed herself by not making any attempt to pay it back. She must have very low morals to splash out on xmas presents rather than pay back the money she owes you.

It's hard to know if it's better to speak to her in person or to email her, it depends on how often you see her.

If you send an email I would keep it short and polite. You have no legal way to get the money back so you don't won't to piss her off too much.

I'd write something along the lines of... (Note there is no apology for asking for your money back)

Hi money grabbing Friend,

I hope you had a nice xmas. I know we haven't spoken about it for a while but I'd like to make arrangements for you to repay the £750 that I lent you in XX/XX when you were struggling financially as I now in urgent need of the money.

Here are my bank details. XXXXXX XXXXX

Can you please let me know as soon as possible if you are unable to repay the full amount so that I can make a note as to when I can expect to receive the payment. I'd really prefer it if you could pay off the full amount as soon as possible as I really need the money immediately.

I would really appreciate it if you could let me know what you are able to do ASAP.

Thanks

OP

Pipistrella · 02/01/2016 12:32

Ask hr face to face, if possible when her H is in the same house but not near enough to hear. That way she will have no escape and might be afraid you'll tell him if she doesn't agree.

She can ignore an email or text. She can't ignore you if you ask nicely face to face.

I'd say, 'I was meaning to ask you - it's a bit awkward, but do you remember that money I lent you a couple of years ago? Well I'm finding I need it right now and noticed you seemed to be doing okay now.'

Then see what she says. She might find it hard to repay without telling her H what she is doing and why. OTOH if so she ought to be upfront and say she can give you such and such over a period of time.

BigChocFrenzy · 02/01/2016 12:43

Do send a text, because it sounds like you are too embarassed to tell her in person. Moose's version covers the facts.

Your dear friend isn't embarassed about keeping your dear money.
Her response will tell you if she's just a forgetful friend - or a shameless freeloader.

If she doesn't reply, then meet and ask her if she received the EM - say again that you really need your £750 back.

riverboat1 · 02/01/2016 12:46

I'd probably start by sending her a nice email, basically saying what you've told us, making clear that:

  1. You did say at the time it was a loan
  2. You've been happy to wait until now but...
  3. You are really in need of the money yourself

...and she how she responds to that.

Do you still see /speak to her regularly?

Ginkypig · 02/01/2016 12:47

I'm sorry but if she had wanted/was going to pay it back she would have at least mentioned it to you.

It's horrible but you need to sort it as she obviously is never going to. She is going to tell you Christmas wiped her out and you will need to say I understand but it's not for me its for the kids so I'm sorry I need a plan in place now.

Arfarfanarf · 02/01/2016 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnLuther · 02/01/2016 12:48

You can ask but I think that you need to prepared to write it off.

N3wYear2016 · 02/01/2016 13:02

Lessons learnt

Suggest only loan to friends or family in future if;

  1. You are prepared to write the money off & never be paid back

  2. Both agree in writing a monthly pay back with timescales & interest ( I believe this allows you to claim in small claims court if payments are not made)

  3. Say no to a loan & recommend friend contacts her own; bank, family, friends, sells stuff, Wonga or other loan companies

  4. Did your friend tell you why she wanted the money ? Or does it not matter what she spent the money on.
    We should "all cut our cloth" according to our income
    Sometimes lending money to people does not solve the core problem (eg over spending, gambling etc)

After 3 years I would be surprised if your friend paid the money back

You could try asking CAB for advice

Ginkypig · 02/01/2016 13:04

Arf makes a good point!

If you were a company she would never not pay so why is it as your a friend! To me that's worse.

Your asking if she could! Your telling her! your saying my circumstances have changed and il need that money I loaned you back. I'm sure you understand what it's like to be struggling or you would never have needed to borrow in the first place, so if you can call me this week as il need the first payment by Thanks.

Ginkypig · 02/01/2016 13:09

To add Iv had my fingers burnt a few times. Trying to be nice got me walked over. Iv lost them anyway as being treated so badly meant I couldn't be around them anymore. No money and no friend.

Iv learnt if you are nice but strong you either get the money back or you find out what their true colours and if that's the case you don't want them in your life anyway!

Whatdoidohelp · 02/01/2016 13:10

Man up and ask for it. She is well aware she owes you money and is taking you for an absolute mug!

Lexigrey · 02/01/2016 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notapizzaeater · 02/01/2016 13:24

I'd phone her up and explain that you now need the money so you need it paying back ASAP. You helped her when she needed it, she should offer you the same.

scarlets · 02/01/2016 13:26

Naughty person, hoping you'll forget!

If you said it was a loan you're within your rights to ask for it back. £20 per month isn't helpful as you say, but as a gesture of goodwill you could compromise on £200 per month if she asks for time to pay, I suppose. Don't offer that at the outset, though.

Email her asap. Better still, use Facebook private messaging so that you can see whether she has read it.

annielouise · 02/01/2016 13:30

Friends of mine (a couple) borrowed £500 off me. Their business was struggling and at the time I had it so I loaned it to them. Seven years went by. I never asked for it as they never seemed that well off and I was surviving. They'd moved abroad (back home to their country) so we didn't see much of each other and kept in touch online and by phone. So on FB I see they've bought a new car and then they did IVF for their baby. At that point I asked for it back. How on earth did they think they shouldn't pay me back when they had money for those other things?! They paid it back no problem but I hated being put in the position of asking. It was never a gift, always a loan. I'm a single mother fgs. They're nice people but it highlighted to me people have very strange views on things.

If it had been me as soon as I had it it would have been paid back. You don't start buying yourself stuff, you pay your debts back first. I've not fallen out with these friends but it's fucking awkward so limited contact. But I'm not taking the blame for that. I won't lend anyone money again, ever.

Do not be embarrassed OP to ask for your money. She had no shame asking you for it. She has no shame not paying you back for three years. She has no shame buying expensive gifts for her kids when she owes you. She thinks as you haven't asked you don't want it - very convenient for her. Ask her in front of her husband. Text and say can you pop in, all last minute with a bit of urgency to it. When she invites you in, say in front of her and her husband you know that money I loaned you, well I'm in deep shit so urgently need it back, please arrange it. If she tries to wriggle out of it she's no friend and dump. Hopefully the shame of it in front of her DH will make them pay it back. How can they live with themselves if they don't?

annielouise · 02/01/2016 13:34

Do not agree to £20 a week or month. You'll forever hear "I'm a bit short this month as the kid's birthday is next week" etc. Not your problem. Stress you need it urgently, bills need paying or you're in shit. Let them stick it on their credit card or get a bank loan or overdraft or ask their parents for it. Not your problem. I'd only accept half now and half next month or £200 a month very reluctantly.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/01/2016 13:36

This to me is about friendship and morals before a loan. You were there as her saving grace so its only right that she's there for you. Call her ask her for financial support. Like she did you. I'll scratch your back. You scratch mine type of thing.