To be hurt?

[Balders74]

This time last year I split from my stbxh. We had been together for 16 years, married for 10. He was a lazy bully & I had to make a change for the sake of our 2 DC.

STBXH is good friends with my sister's husband & there has been some tension because he (BiL) has taken STBXH's side in the split, even though he knows how awful things were but I suppose bro's stick together. The breakup has not been easy & my ex is being difficult.

Every year my sister holds a New Years party & this year they invited STBXH & I. When I asked my sister why she said she thought it would be OK by the I.e. We could both attend. I was upset that she had been so inconsiderate. I knew my ex would go to the party so there was no way I could go.

So the party happened last night & sure enough STBXH was there and to make matters worse with a new woman he turned up with on Christmas Day when he picked the kids up to take them to his parents. Christmas Day!!!

There are picutres all over FB of him & her surrounded by my friends & family and it hurts. I am so hurt by my sister for doing this & I don't feel like I can talk to her any time soon.

AIBU?

I feel really sorry for the OP.

Its not just the party though, is it? Her sister sounds incredibly insensitive and pretty thoughtless, especially as OP says they were quite close. I don't think the OP wants her sister/BIL or the rest of her family to completely ostracise her ex. I think she would have appreciated a little support at this time in her life where she feels things are a bit tough going.

OP has said her sister doesn't even want to listen to her when it comes to her feelings about her marriage/divorce/STBXH not financially supporting their children etc. I don't think being there to support her sister during her divorce- even if you are friends (or your DH is friends) with the ex is "taking sides". I think it is doing the right thing by your sister. I could understand it more if the OP and her sister had a difficult or strained relationship.

As the split has not been amicable it is inevitable that being at the same party is not a good idea until the dust has settled a bit more. They may have split over a year again, but it is pretty clear that-whatever the rights and wrongs on each side may be- that the divorce process is still on-going and there is a fair amount of wrangling and ill-feeling being caused by that process.

Why should they be treated equally, she is the OP's sister, he is her ex bil?

HE is a close friend of the OP's sisters husband and i'm sure I read the op saying they (BIL and ex) were close/had known each other for a very long time.

Turning the situation around - your husbands brother splits with his dw. YOU are very good friends with the dw, you've known her for a number of years, you're very close.

Do you dump her because she has split with your BIL? Stop inviting her to parties that she's been included in for years, through you (regardless of her relationship with your BIL), just because your BIL is trying to make you choose and refuses to be in a room with her? REALLY?

My arse would most people.

I think most people would choose their sibling to attend a family party, yes, especially as the ex is behaving so unpleasantly, something you have ignored in every one of your posts despite many posters pointing it out to you. The situation you keep describing is NOT what is happening here. You may well be the kind of person who would bully their spouse into accepting this, but thankfully most wouldn't as evidenced by the majority on this thread, and I actually think that if the situation was as the OP actually describes and not the one you're insisting it is, I think you'd think twice too.

especially as the ex is behaving so unpleasantly, something you have ignored in every one of your posts

I've not ignored it. I've said that of course it sounds unpleasant to us, hearing the op's story.

If you were the BIL, hearing the ex's story about why he doesn't pay maintenance because he has seen himself that none of it goes on the kids, so he buys their clothes and pays for trips and saves for them instead. And about how awful and embarrassed he feels that this new gf turned up on Xmas Day, and that she was with him on pick up and it was stupid of him and he regrets it...you may not find him awful enough to cut him off, if he was a dear friend. No one is perfect and God knows if we all cut people off the instant they fucked something up, we'd all be wandering around in a pit of loneliness.

I'm not saying AT ALL that this scenario ^ is the case, and i'm really not bashing the op. But every story has two sides and you don't know what side the ex is telling, true or not.

I just think it's unfair to heap so much blame on the Dsis and her DH for inviting the DH's best friend to an event he's always gone to. They didn't choose the OP's ex over her, they invited both and the op chose not to go. IMO they've simply tried to remain neutral in what is probably a difficult situation for them due to their respective relationships with the couple who have split.

So like I said, whilst I can understand the op feeling hurt, and would probably feel the same myself - I feel she is bu to expect her BIL to effectively cut his friend off, based on her say so.

I also think the comments along the lines of 'blood is thicker than water' - and that a sibling trumps a friend - are rubbish.

It's just not that simple and entirely depends on your relationships with the individuals. DH's brother lives a 2 minute walk from us and he barely features in our lives. We saw him Xmas Day. The time he saw our dc's before that...probably June. Maybe that's a bit generous, could even be as far back as Feb.

My best friend of 10 years however, is a huge part of our and the dc's lives. Regular visits, the dc love her, and we're all (even DH) much closer to her than his Dbro.

If they entered a relationship and split and things got awkward, if it came to the crunch then for me, my friend would trump BIL hands down. No amount of DH telling me to put BIL first would make me do it.

I'm sorry, but I am not bothering to read your lengthy posts because I don't agree with you and nothing you say will make me so it's pointless. OP has long gone anyway.

peridot, the thing with MN is that you have to judge the situation based on the info in the post and trust that it is true. You can't just make a load of stuff up to justify the other side when there is no indication of that being the case.

I see your point that sometimes friends are closer than relatives but in OPs case, where she describes herself as close to her sister, then yes I do think her wellbeing should come first.