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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt?

132 replies

Balders74 · 01/01/2016 23:16

This time last year I split from my stbxh. We had been together for 16 years, married for 10. He was a lazy bully & I had to make a change for the sake of our 2 DC.

STBXH is good friends with my sister's husband & there has been some tension because he (BiL) has taken STBXH's side in the split, even though he knows how awful things were but I suppose bro's stick together. The breakup has not been easy & my ex is being difficult.

Every year my sister holds a New Years party & this year they invited STBXH & I. When I asked my sister why she said she thought it would be OK by the I.e. We could both attend. I was upset that she had been so inconsiderate. I knew my ex would go to the party so there was no way I could go.

So the party happened last night & sure enough STBXH was there and to make matters worse with a new woman he turned up with on Christmas Day when he picked the kids up to take them to his parents. Christmas Day!!!

There are picutres all over FB of him & her surrounded by my friends & family and it hurts. I am so hurt by my sister for doing this & I don't feel like I can talk to her any time soon.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Sansoora · 02/01/2016 01:21

I think Nicki has this spot on.

alltouchedout · 02/01/2016 02:10

I adore my (very soon to be) SIL. I really do. But if she and my brother ever split I cannot imagine inviting her to a family party unless he was totally ok with it. I'm astonished at your sister. She must know how much hurt she caused.

goddessofsmallthings · 02/01/2016 02:17

Imo Nicki has it spot on too and it's a great shame that those posters who've rushed to put themselves in the sister's place don't appear to have given any consideration to how they'd feel if they were the OP.

YANBU Balders and I trust that other members of your family and your friends are as appalled as any right minded person would be that you were effectively excluded from an annual family event at which your stbxh and his new gf of a few days' duration were apparently honoured guests.

As for your stbxh turning up on Christmas Day to collect the children without prior warning that he intended to introduce them to the new gf, this shows the manner of a man who clearly has no consideration for anyone else's feelings including those of his dc. In this alone he's shown himself to be an arsehole of the first water and it would seem your bil is cut from the same cloth.

Sansoora · 02/01/2016 02:31

it would seem your bil is cut from the same cloth.

It does actually make me wonder what goes on in the sisters life.

Bettercallsaul1 · 02/01/2016 02:35

Totally agree with Nicki and others that OP should have been prioritised over her ex when it came to a family celebration. The OP needed her family and they weren't there for her. I would have been devastated by this as well and you have my total sympathy, OP.

knobblyknee · 02/01/2016 02:47

You're not even divorced and he swans in with his new gf.
Well now you can add adultery to the list.

YANBU. Have all the things

kali110 · 02/01/2016 02:58

I think some people have been in this situation though?
I certainly have.
I still agree with worra
I feel for you op though as i remember the pain.
I don't think the sister has taken sides.
Maybe she genuinely thought as it had been a year, it would be ok for the two of you to be in the same place for a while?
Same for your ex husband for not turning it down?
From your sisters point of view, she's probably thinking that she hasn't prioritised him over you ( which i really don't think she has or meant too) as you had the choice to go.
I can understand how crap you must be feeling though as it sounds like you've had it rough.
I remember at the time wishing my family and friends were not his and then i years later i was in your sisters position and i realised how hard it was.
It's not worth falling out with your sister over this op.
She probably feels awful as it is.
She has you on one side, your ex husband and her dh on the other.
I hope this year is better for you!
Chase that ex for money for his kids as he shouldn't be weaselling out of it!
If he has money to go and pick up another woman, then he has money to help you raise his kids.
As for your inlaws, it's clearly their loss.

I don't think it's on to call op's sisters pathetic just because she doesn't want to take sides.

Caprinihahahaha · 02/01/2016 03:13

Nah, it's still shit.

Sansoora · 02/01/2016 03:16

From your sisters point of view, she's probably thinking that she hasn't prioritised him over you ( which i really don't think she has or meant too) as you had the choice to go.

Im sorry but thats a cop out. Its the the cowards way out, or the downtrodden sisters way out.

TheStoic · 02/01/2016 05:18

Wish I was surprised by those sympathetic to what your sister has done, OP. But I'm not. It happened in my own family.

My two sisters married best friends. Marriage A went tits up, other sister sided with the ex husband (even though the reason the marriage ended was because he was having an affair, amongst other abusive behaviour) and it all went downhill from there.

Not sure what advice to give, as the result in our family was complete disaster. But I was so disgusted and ashamed by sister B that it completely changed my opinion of her.

So sorry you've been put in this position. All I can suggest is that - as unfair as it sounds - you try to handle it delicately, so your family doesn't end up like mine.

WavingNotDrowning · 02/01/2016 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flamingflume · 02/01/2016 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MakeItRain · 02/01/2016 08:16

I agree with the posters saying this isn't right. The OP has said he was a bully and she felt she couldn't put up with his behaviour any more for the sake of the children. Her sister has chosen to ignore this and prioritise him and his feelings. There may be "two sides to every story" but I would expect close family and friends to have more of an insight into the op's story and the impact on her and her family. Fair enough random internet strangers trotting out that line, but not close family who really do know the situation. By including him they are basically implying that they either don't believe what you're saying, or that they don't care all that much. You are right to feel hurt. In your position I would come off FB (no point upsetting yourself seeing photos you'd rather not see) calmly tell your sister that you're hurt she doesn't seem to understand what you're going through. Then spend time sorting out your finances/being with your children and spend time beginning to feel stronger.

peggyundercrackers · 02/01/2016 08:45

I agree with worra, I don't think your sis has put him first. You both had the choice to go to the nye party - it's wasn't exclusively for family, not sure why everyone is making it out to be a family party when it obviously wasn't, and no doubt both you and you ex had friends there. Why would he not go when his friends were there?

As for him turning up with someone else, sorry but it's got nothing to do with you - you left him 12 months ago - he can do what he wants when he wants. Given you left him 12 months ago I don't think you should be hurt.

Nonidentifyingnc · 02/01/2016 08:59

Well I'd be hurt if my bullying, non child support paying ex was welcomed to my sister's party with new gf in tow (that he must be spending money on), who was introduced to my dc on Christmas day!

And I still think the sister is shabby for allowing it!

Shodan · 02/01/2016 09:09

The thing is, if the sister had really cared about the OP's feelings, she would have asked her before issuing the invitation if it would be ok, whereupon the OP could've said actually no, I'm uncomfortable with that.

But she didn't.

It's perfectly possible to remain on good terms with an ex partner without deliberately upsetting and excluding your own sister.

As nonidentifyingnc said-very shabby.

Dotandethel · 02/01/2016 09:34

You are definitely nbu. The fact that your x and his new girlfriend went speaks volumes about them. There are occasions when the family members feelings take priority over the other party and this was one of them. I really can't understand some of the posters opinions on this. I guess not everyone is as loyal to their family as others. Your stbxh sounds like a dick. Enjoy your new life without him and next new year have your own party

Dragonsdaughter · 02/01/2016 09:43

Niki has it spot on

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2016 10:41

I think that the ex would have loved the fact that he was invited and it meant that the OP stayed away - he's a bully, remember, so really, the OP's BIL and sister have just been complicit in staging another bullying incident.

I absolutely agree that your sister should have stood up for you, OP, despite my previous post where I said I could understand why she might not have - but she should have all the same. And yes, it's shabby that not only did she not stick up for you but she won't even provide a listening ear - that's rubbish :(

Sansoora · 02/01/2016 11:05

There are occasions when the family members feelings take priority over the other party and this was one of them.

Yes, the fact it wasn't a party just for family has nothing to do with it.

And the husband is a twat of the highest order to not be gentleman enough to have said - I don't think its appropriate right now but thanks anyway.

And Thumb is right - this was a bullying.

DoreenLethal · 02/01/2016 11:23

But she HAS got involved by inviting him to their party. Not getting involved would be to just invite HER SISTER.

PingpongDingDong · 02/01/2016 12:41

Op states that her ex hasn't paid any child support since their split. He then shows up to pick up his kids for Christmas with a woman they've never met and their mum's never met. Yet people still think he sounds like an OK kind of guy who deserves to have his feelings taken into account over and above ops! Unbelievable.

Having a good relationship with the ex doesn't mean including them in absolutely everything especially if it upsets your sister. I have a great friendship with my ex it when the chips were down and she was behaving like a twat my family had my back.

ohtheholidays · 02/01/2016 15:26

OP,I think what your Sister and BIL have done is awful.How would they feel if it was the other way around,I bet your sister would love it if she split up with her husband and you invited him along to a party you were holding and you gave no thought to her feelings.

She is your sister of course she should be taking you side even more so with what you've said about how you ex treated you.

As for the other women ignore,ignore,ignore like you've said she'll soon see why his wife has left him.

Honestly for know I'd take a step back from all of them,you've done nothing wrong they are the one's that are in the wrong.Take some time out from all of them and focus on building your life and yourself back up OP.It sounds like you deserve to have some time for yourself.

YouTheCat · 02/01/2016 15:47

I would have been devastated if my brothers had sided with my exh and continued including him in invites, especially so soon after we split.

We all get along fine now a few years down the line but I wouldn't be expected to be invited to any of ex's family gatherings and I'd be mightily pissed off if the ex was invited to any of mine.

Most of our friends sided with the ex but that didn't bother me. I can always make new friends.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2016 15:52

Yanbu at all, how awful , some she chose him over family, now you know where their loyalties lie, I would not be close to her again.

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