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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt?

132 replies

Balders74 · 01/01/2016 23:16

This time last year I split from my stbxh. We had been together for 16 years, married for 10. He was a lazy bully & I had to make a change for the sake of our 2 DC.

STBXH is good friends with my sister's husband & there has been some tension because he (BiL) has taken STBXH's side in the split, even though he knows how awful things were but I suppose bro's stick together. The breakup has not been easy & my ex is being difficult.

Every year my sister holds a New Years party & this year they invited STBXH & I. When I asked my sister why she said she thought it would be OK by the I.e. We could both attend. I was upset that she had been so inconsiderate. I knew my ex would go to the party so there was no way I could go.

So the party happened last night & sure enough STBXH was there and to make matters worse with a new woman he turned up with on Christmas Day when he picked the kids up to take them to his parents. Christmas Day!!!

There are picutres all over FB of him & her surrounded by my friends & family and it hurts. I am so hurt by my sister for doing this & I don't feel like I can talk to her any time soon.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/01/2016 00:02

I understand you feel upset, but I agree with those saying that it is difficult when you have known people as a couple for a long, long time. You don't want to take sides and don't want to exclude either one of the people. This is your dcs Dad, and your partner of 16 years. I'm afraid you can't stop people still trying to remain friendly with both of you and remaining neutral rather than taking sides, even though it's obvious it wouldn't make sense for you both to be at the same party.

Original poster
Balders74 · 02/01/2016 00:02

We are/were quite close. I think that some people are worried that when someone close to them marriage breaks down it could be catching.

I have been completely shunned by my in-laws but I thought I could count on my family. Hey ho you live & learn.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 02/01/2016 00:04

Oh Balders that's horrendous. Must feel like you're losing everybody and he gets to keep everyone. It's NOT fair and I agree with you 100%. I think though that your sister is probably just going along worth her husband for an easy life or he's bullied her into accepting it.

Caprinihahahaha · 02/01/2016 00:05

I completely agree with NickiFury.
This wasn't a Monday afternoon get together, it was a New Years Eve party with all the ops family and friends.
If my sister invited my ex partner, knowing it absolutely would then exclude me, I would be very hurt.

It wasn't a neutral, I don't want to get involved act. It meant the op couldn't go. It was therefore a choice.

Original poster
Balders74 · 02/01/2016 00:06

I have no desire for her to get involved but sometimes you need someone to talk to and your sister should be the one person you can just sound off to. No action or involvement required, just an ear & shoulder to cry on but when I try she shuts me down with I don't want to get involved. I've stopped trying now.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 02/01/2016 00:06

Exactly Nicki none of us here can say whether the OP is BU or not.

On the face of it, perhaps she isn't.

But there is always two sides to every break-up.

I know when one of my sisters split with her first husband, I felt truly sorry for him due to the way she treated him - in public anyway.

My sister truly felt that it was him who treated her badly.

Maybe it was 6 of one and a half dozen of the other - who knows?

But after a year, I would have invited him to a family party if I was having one because they were both nice people, and their kids wouldn't have thanked me for excluding either one of them.

NickiFury · 02/01/2016 00:08

It's absolutely fine for them not to take sides OP, but when it comes to a family occasion then the actual member of the family takes precedence. He's a dick for going, he should have bowed out. But I imagine he's not to sort of man that thinks that way from what you've said.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2016 00:09

I have been completely shunned by my in-laws but I thought I could count on my family. Hey ho you live & learn.

And that ^^ is exactly what I'm saying.

It's hurtful and often unnecessary behaviour that perhaps your sister and BIL are trying to avoid by shunning him too?

Original poster
Balders74 · 02/01/2016 00:13

I must admit to feeling a bit sorry for myself. I am a bit of a wreck after years of being with this person. I have disappeared into myself to understand, forgive & heal (work in progress) & he has his family, my family & a new GF.

He pays nothing for the DC claiming he doesn't earn enough, he didn't work while we were together & was happy for me to support the family & is now fighting for half of the very small equity in the house.

It all feels very unfair. Confused

OP posts:
NickiFury · 02/01/2016 00:15

Which now leaves OP without anyone. I'm glad my sister doesn't think that way and I am glad that I don't. I'd be distraught if my own sister couldn't come to my family event because her ex was there. I wouldn't allow it. It's not even about taking sides, it's just the decent thing to do and it should be a given that OP takes precedence without anyone questioning that. He has his own family to be with, it's not right that he gets OP's as well.

Original poster
Balders74 · 02/01/2016 00:15

I have no desire for anyone to be shunned but for this one occasion it would have been nice to have been made the priority by my family.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 02/01/2016 00:15

It feels unfair because it is unfair and don't let anyone on here or anyone else tell you otherwise.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2016 00:15

From everything you've said in your last post OP, I'd say yes that sounds very unfair.

He needs to start paying for his kids.

Perhaps try to concentrate on that for now, rather than anything else Thanks

wannaBe · 02/01/2016 00:18

Still agreeing with worra not getting involved is absolutely the right thing for your sister to do. And not getting involved doesn't necessarily mean that she is being bullied by her dh as some have suggested. Hmm.

Also, how your ILs have reacted should have absolutely no bearing on how your own family react. When me and XH split my mum was unsure as to whether she should send my XH a Christmas present because my ILs wouldn't be getting me one (we were still living in the same house waiting for finances to go through), I told her that her reactions to XH should reflect her feelings not make it into a game of tit for tat.

Ultimately your sister and her dh have an independent relationship with your ex, significant enough to want to invite him to their party. Your split should have no bearing on that unless as I said up thread he had committed a crime, for instance. What will you do e.g. When your DC get married and you are all invited to the weddings. Yes I know that this will be years down the line, but if you have expectations of distance etc then that has long-term implications as well.

And "blood is thicker than water" is rubbish. I'm sure that there are a number of posters who would advise the OP to go NC with her family for not taking her side, or if said family didn't accept her DH when they were together - for instance.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2016 00:19

Whoops! Your second from last post obviously.

Please don't get annoyed with your sister and BIL because they don't want to take sides.

It's not nice to find yourself in a position where somehow you're supposed to suddenly not see a family member as a family member any more, due to the fact they've suddenly separated.

Especially if you genuinely don't feel one has acted worse than the other (which may or may not be the case here).

Either way, it doesn't mean your sister doesn't love you.

NickiFury · 02/01/2016 00:21

What a load of crap. I'm so glad you two aren't related to me.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2016 00:23

I love you too Nicki Grin Wine

BackforGood · 02/01/2016 00:23

I agree with Worra and wannabe.

Duck90 · 02/01/2016 00:24

In a situation like this, they should have said 'you will understand that this year we can only invite nicki' He should have declined the invite out of good taste. I doesn't sound like he is living like a hermit.

Original poster
Balders74 · 02/01/2016 00:26

I think there has been some misunderstanding of my issue. I don't want my sister & BiL to get involved, I want to be able to talk to her when I am upset or frustrated.

I don't expect tit for tat because his family have shunned me, I am more than happy for them to maintain a relationship with him.

I just wanted to be made the priority for this one occasion, I don't think that was unreasonable.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2016 00:26

YANBU to be upset.
Your sister is in a bit of a difficult position though, with her own DH deciding that he prefers your ex to you (which is pretty much what he's done). Depending on who wears the trousers most in their relationship, is going to sway the situation - and it appears your BIL is the winner currently.

This sucks for you. But if your sister put her foot down and said "he can't come, I want my sister there and she doesn't want him there" then it would have created trouble in her household as well, and maybe she just isn't up for that. So she doesn't want to get in the middle because she's in a lose-lose situation.

Your ex though - how rude?! Random new woman - just because he knew her at primary school, doesn't mean that she's going to be longterm! - just turning up to family days, wow.

Mind you, FB is half the problem here. You wouldn't be having those photos inflicted on you if FB didn't exist. Maybe you should hide your sister and her H from your own FB, then you wouldn't see any more upsetting pics.

Duck90 · 02/01/2016 00:26

Oops not nicki misread the op name. X

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2016 00:28

But ignoring the immature comment...

OP, when I got divorced my parents and siblings didn't really know how to react to my ex.

They obviously didn't know the ins and outs of who was 'right' and who was 'wrong' and I didn't want them to.

I told them (or those who asked anyway) to just treat my ex normally...i.e. continue to send him Birthday/Christmas cards and to just do whatever they would have done if we were together.

I was so glad they didn't take sides, and luckily nor did my ex inlaws who I'm still very close to 16 years later.

Our kids are aged 16.5yrs and 24yrs now and to be honest, their childhoods have been all the richer for the adults in their lives showing a fairly united front.

WorraLiberty · 02/01/2016 00:30

I want to be able to talk to her when I am upset or frustrated.

Of course you do and that's understandable Thanks

But I don't see the connection between that and her inviting her BIL to a party a year after you've split up?

NickiFury · 02/01/2016 00:30

Well you didn't ignore did you worra? You made one of your own Smile. I think it's actually pretty cruel to essentially tell the OP that she just has to suck this up when she's clearly feeling utterly horrible about it and her separation from her ex is still throwing up major issues. She has no one at all because he's appropriated her family as well as his own. I'm also interested in this idea that a year is long enough for everyone to have moved on yet women who have been in relationships for a year or so on the relationships boards are told that's "no time at all!" Which is it then?

OP he's a shit but then you know this already or you'd still be with him and clearly your dsis and BIL have prioritised their relationship with him over you. I'm sorry this is happening to you. What do your parents say about it all?