To be hurt?

[Balders74]

This time last year I split from my stbxh. We had been together for 16 years, married for 10. He was a lazy bully & I had to make a change for the sake of our 2 DC.

STBXH is good friends with my sister's husband & there has been some tension because he (BiL) has taken STBXH's side in the split, even though he knows how awful things were but I suppose bro's stick together. The breakup has not been easy & my ex is being difficult.

Every year my sister holds a New Years party & this year they invited STBXH & I. When I asked my sister why she said she thought it would be OK by the I.e. We could both attend. I was upset that she had been so inconsiderate. I knew my ex would go to the party so there was no way I could go.

So the party happened last night & sure enough STBXH was there and to make matters worse with a new woman he turned up with on Christmas Day when he picked the kids up to take them to his parents. Christmas Day!!!

There are picutres all over FB of him & her surrounded by my friends & family and it hurts. I am so hurt by my sister for doing this & I don't feel like I can talk to her any time soon.

AIBU?

I agree with the op.

For your own sanity I would cease contact with anyone who does not have your best interests at heart.

Concentrate on yourself and child.
Spend time with supportive friends.

There is nothing to take away the pain but time will ease the pain.

It's likes bereavement, it doesn't stop hurting but the stabbing pain eventually becomes a dull ache.

Pm me if you want op.

All the best.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I really appreciate both sides that people have presented. I am going to keep my head down & not go out of my way to contact my dsis just until I feel less hurt by the situation.

This is a typical move for STBXH, he has no concern to anyone else's feelings, in fact I'm not sure that he is even aware of what they are! He would have got pleasure out of being at that party knowing I wouldn't go.

He is a cockwomble of the highest order especially with the whole child maintenance thing. He has 2 cars on the road, smokes & has an active social life but on paper apparently he only earns £7k pa (self employed) so claims he can't afford to give me anything and doesn't feel any moral duty to help raise his DC.

On the plus side we should be divorced by mid-Feb

Yes. A massive, selfish, arsehole which was clear from a few posts in.

Only till February to push though. Will the divorce set out financial arrangements?

What I mean is, will it leave it open to pursue him in the future for child support? My solicitor advised strongly against waiving spousal support as things could change in the future and I should leave that avenue open.

I think if they wanted to invite him, they should have cleared it to him to not turn up with someone he is seeing right now. It's so painful for kids too or do they not matter for him either? At least it could give them a semblance of attending a party with both their parents. YANBU. It's the fault of your sis and her husband and they should be told as much. They should apologise to your properly and tell him off for doing an inappropriate thing like that.

I doubt the financials will be resolved by the time the divorce comes through. My solicitor said ordinarily she would advise to put the decree absolute on hold until the financial stuff had been resolved but because cockwomble is being so difficult she said in this situation it should go ahead & sort the financial stuff out separately.

It took until August to get him to mediation and it was clear after 1 session that there was no point. He wasn't willing to discuss anything & just sat tapping his fingers on the table, didn't turn his phone off which rang 3 times, although he didn't answer it. We are still no further forward from then other than the Actual divorce moving forward.

So I am pleased for small victories & the divorce will be one battle won & I'm working on winning the war .

I'm glad you're getting the divorce through soon. Sadly I think you'll need to keep your distance from your dsis for a while, I imagine this won't be an isolated event and I wouldn't want to have to deal with that again especially if I was feeling a bit fragile.

OP you aren't being unreasonable at all and I am sorry your year has got off to a bad start. I have been in a similar situation and in the end I told my family that I absolutely respected their right to be friends with him but they had to respect my right to not want to have anything to do with people who were spending time with him, I didn't want him knowing what was going on in my life but inevitably when people mix socially things will be said e.g. granny is seeing someone, granny is getting married etc. I had asked them not to mention me to him but I knew from feedback I was getting that they obviously had discussed me.

The final straw for me was him, and his parents and siblings, getting invited to my sister's wedding. I didn't go, again I just said they were free to invite who they wanted but had to accept that people didn't have to attend. I refused to get into an argument about it. You know what, over 30 years later it still upsets me, silly isn't it. I see my sister, it is never mentioned but it is always there.

The stupid thing is that they actually delayed the process of "getting over it" which we did get to eventually but would have got there alot sooner if we could have had some space.

Yay to the divorce Balders you should throw a massive fuck off party when the divorce goes through and don't invite your sister or BIL

When I try to talk to her about it she says she doesn't want to get involved

She got involved when she invited him to her party. She's behaved appallingly.

Lol ohtheholidays that is a fabulous idea.

Thank god I had beautiful, special, caring friends when I went through my divorce.

I left it entirely Upto each individual what they did but I too made it clear that due to my exes behaviour I could not be at the same social event as him.

The exception being anything concerning our dc, which he refused to attend anyway but that's another story.

I agree 100% with Granny. I too made it clear to all my friends and family that I did not want to know what ex and his ow were doing. Luckily they respected this and stopped telling me where they had seen them.

I would not expect to be invited to his families parties, who in their right mind does this.

Op block everyone on fb who doesn't have your best interests at heart and stop contacting them.
It is hard but surround yourself with those who love and care for you.
Life is too short to focus on the bad.

Try and forget your sister and bil, leave them to it.
One day your sister may need someone hand then she'll understand.

Yanbu op. I hope your sister is feeling guilty about it.

OP. If I put myself in your shoes then I'd be at this.

Friends are open to choosing who they continue to see etc.
But siblings??? Hell no. If my DB held a party and invited my STBXH there would be hell to pay for!!!! He wouldn't even consider it.

YANBU, exceptionally hurtful that close family has done this.

Actually op I'm going to go against the majority and say yabu...although I do see why you are hurt.

Putting myself into the same situation...BIL has split from his dw, who is a very good friend of mine. DH tells me we can't invite my friend to our party because BIL will be there.

I can imagine what I would say to DH...they've split, fine, but I'm not involving myself in taking sides. They both get an invite. If BIL has a problem with that then he's a grown up and he needs to pull up his big boy pants and deal with being in the same room as her and so on.

I wouldn't not invite my friend...I can imagine that the situation about invites may already have caused a holy row between your dsis and her DH (it probably would have between me and DH!) and that he has kicked up a stink and insisted on the invite. As I would in his shoes.

But peridot, would you be happy to still remain friends if that friend had bullied your bil or had refused to support her children while clearly having money to spend on a new partner. Or who introduced her kids to a new man on christmas day?

These things would make me reassess my friendship. That bil hasn't and OPs sister has not defended Balders interests, is very telling.

It is not like Balders and her h just fell out of love and parted amicably.

Exactly! It isn't a case of a couple parting ways as friends and both still having each other's best interests at heart. Posters have been thin on the ground in agreeing it was ok behaviour from the sister. I think it was Worra, who thought the OP was being unreasonable at the beginning of this thread. You are not and should expect unwavering support from your family and friends. In years to come hopefully things can change but not yet. Your sister and bil should read this thread, wonder what they'd they'd make of it....

Yes, have a massive divorce party for the actual people who have supported you

I'd be questioning my entire relationship if my SO bullied me into prioritising their friend who was behaving like an absolute tosser, over my own sibling to be honest.

You totally have my sympathies. I split from my exh a couple of years ago. We had been together over two decades and I was quite clear with all my family that I wanted him to remain a part of the family and no-one had to take sides, unfortunately 2 of my brothers (well more specifically their DWs) decided they would rather have my exh in their lives than me and as such I have now lost 2 brothers. It hurts like hell to see them all play happy families with my exh and his new gf when I know I will probably never see them again. One of them in particular was always my hero growing up and it breaks my heart to know the only time I'm ever going to see him again is probably going to be at someone's funeral. I haven't seen him for almost 2 years now.

I don't know how you resolve the situation with your sister but my only advice would be to protect yourself. I deleted both brothers, their wives and families from Facebook so I now don't have to see what they're all up to and try and appreciate and make the most of the time I do have with the family who are still in my life.

Yup,

If I was able to persuade my oh , as Peridot describes, into prioritising my mate over their sibling, I might take pleasure in that moment but ultimately regret that my partner is fucking spineless and I'm a bit of a twat.

I'd be questioning my entire relationship if my SO bullied me into prioritising their friend who was behaving like an absolute tosser, over my own sibling to be honest

Who's prioritising? To invite one half of an ex couple and not the other then yes, you're obviously prioritising one. To invite BOTH parties is simply treating them equally. If one person point blank refuses to be in a room with the other and declines the invite then that's kind of up to them.

It's easy to say from THIS perspective only that considering the behaviour of the op's ex, they should be supporting her only. Of course it's easy to say that - we only have one side of the story, the OP's. We have no connection or attachment to the OP's ex.

I'm not doubting what the op is saying at all - but when you're in the middle of a couple and they're both telling completely different stories (and it's highly likely that the OP's BIL is hearing a completely different version from her ex) then it IS difficult to categorically say that he or she is in the right. Who knows, really?

It's not fair to expect the OP's BIL to cut off a good friend of his and leave him out of invites/events that he would have been invited to previously due to his own friendship with BIL.

OP - why did you not go as well? What about future events - kids plays/ DC's parties/DC's weddings - will you refuse to go if their dad is invited? Surely it's better to bite the bullet and just get used to seeing him because you're always going to be attached to him no matter what you feel about him.

Well peridot, while the OP's exh might deny being a bully, the issue of whether he is paying child support is black and white - he either is or he isn't. Same with introducing new woman on christmas day. These are provable facts. I judge people who ignore all that and persist on treating both parties equally. They are not equal.

And sibling trumps friend imo.

Agree nonidentifyingnc.

As for the future events that people keep worrying about, I suppose THAT all depends on whether the ex continues to behave like an arse. If he behaves decently and stops muscling in on OP's family events, starts paying child support and generally behaves like a pleasant human being who attaches the same importance to amicability that the OP is expected to, then I am sure a cordial relationship could be built.

If it's SUCH a strong and meaningful friendship then surely a dialogue along the lines of "listen mate, I'd love you to be there but DW's dsis is struggling with it all a bit and it's mainly family anyway, so why don't we all get together in the New Year?"

The ex certainly seems to have a lot of good relationships in his life - his own family who ignore his ex wife and his new GF, why on earth he couldn't be left out of this particular occasion is beyond me.

Peridot. Why should they be treated equally, she is the OP's sister, he is her ex bil? Old Chinese proverb.... He who is everyone's friend is friend to no one....