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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not let my ( just turned ) 16 yr old ds stay at a friends house tonight?

132 replies

SurferJet · 31/12/2015 17:17

It's New Year's Eve, I don't know the friends family ( it's a school friend ) plus there's no way of knowing if he really is staying at a friends.
It's pouring with rain & I just think he's too young.
I have let him stay at friends houses before ( not often ) but I just don't want him out on New Year's Eve.

He's in the living room sulking Xmas Sad
Aibu?

OP posts:
FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:10

And err sorry op. I forgot this was your thread . Forgive me and happy new year

SanityClause · 31/12/2015 18:10

I expect courtesy from my teens. They always ask if they can go out, and tell me when they expect to be back in.

In return, I respect that they are not children, and let them have a social life, outside of the family.

BastardGoDarkly · 31/12/2015 18:13

Holy shit felicity of course!? Who the actual fuck are you to decide when she should sleep with her boyfriend?

Notimefortossers · 31/12/2015 18:14

And while she still leaves her bedroom like a tip and seems incapable of placing a bowl in the dishwasher then I probably shan't consider her as a fully functioning adulty adult just yet

Some adults do this :)

Seriously Felicity, very odd behaviour. I'd expect respectful behaviour of anyone I live with, so if my DH is out and will be later than he was going to be I'd expect a text to let me know so I don't worry. So I would expect that same level of respect from a 17 year old who lived in my house. But telling her she has to be in at a certain time, because she has homework or a job or she needs her beauty sleep is bang out of line. How will she ever learn responsibility for herself?

FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:14

No no - do have a re read! It's nothing to do with sex! That is not my business . It's a new relationship and her first relationship and I don't want her staying the night with him because err it's been four weeks

FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:15

She has school yes. And a job. She's a really good kid, never had a problem with her unless the odd bit of flouncing up the stairs counts

Babyroobs · 31/12/2015 18:15

My ds ( 16 in August) is going to a party with his gf to someone's house who I don't know. My almost 15 yr old ds has gone into town with friends to the cinema and for a meal. I think you just have to let them do things. I know either will ring me if any problem occur.

BastardGoDarkly · 31/12/2015 18:16

So what?! So she can shag him but not stay over?

usual · 31/12/2015 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:18

I'd rather she didn't shag him but we've spoken about that . And before you leap on me, she talked to me about it and we discussed protection etc. She's told me she's not ready for anything like that anyway - but of course I don't take her at face value re that

Her sex life is not my business BUT her staying the night with a boy she's known four weeks is something that concerns me

cardibach · 31/12/2015 18:18

Thete are parents out there who don't give a shit. What a fucking insulting thing to say, Ilive. I'm gobsmacked. I give a shit. I give a lot of shits. One of them is that I give a shit whether DD can function alone as an adult. That's my job as a parent. She's 19 and this summer went alone to do voluntary work in Thailand. I was terrified for her but I never let her see because it was important he Ho. That is at only 3 years older than the OPs DS. Do you think she'd have managed that if she hadn't been allowed to occasionally stay at a friends at 16?
Also Felicity you are outrageously condescending, superior and downright wrong.

FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:19

Christ

Maybe I'll drop her a text when she's finished work and say that in this occasion I may let her stay at her boyfriend's. She's offered to let me talk to his mum Grin

SanityClause · 31/12/2015 18:20

If your DD is 17, she is old enough to decide whether she wants to have sex with him. I went out with a boy at 17 for about 4 months, before having sex. Not because my mother stopped me (as if she could) but because I didn't feel ready.

If I were you, Felicity, I would let her stay, but make sure she knew that in doing so, she wasn't agreeing to have sex with him. Of course, those messages about consent are done over years, not in the 5 mins before she walks out the door.

BastardGoDarkly · 31/12/2015 18:20

Either you trust her judgement or you don't, you clearly don't.

FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:20

Cardi - I'm the first two things probably but not the last. It's opinions so you can't state I'm wrong as a fact

FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:22

Sanity - I may consider a relaxing of rules ; )

The problem is, she is doing her A levels and left up to her , she would see him every single night and then her studying suffers - and it does , because I've had a few bites him re her attendance

Poor parenting would be for me to just wave my hand and let her do as she likes because she's 17

FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:22

Bastard - I trust her judgement in a lot of things

cardibach · 31/12/2015 18:23

Felicity I meant you are wrong in suggesting that other posters are bad parents because they don't so as you do. So I guess we agree.

FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:25

No I don't think they're bad parents. I've said that there's no right or wrong . People on here think I'm an absolute twat of a parent. ; ) this doesn't worry me at all. But it's interesting to read what other parents with kids this age are doing and I may have a re think about tonight

PurpleHairAndPearls · 31/12/2015 18:26

Felicity the level of control you are imposing on your daughter, IMO will hinder her ability to act in an adult manner - make decisions, assess situations, generally just live her own life. You seem very sure you are right, isn't the fact that the majority opinion here that you are wrong, giving you cause to reconsider?

Seriously, you aren't parenting responsibly by shielding her from everything like this. You are storing up trouble and creating someone who won't be able to act in a appropriate adult fashion. Parenting a teen isn't always about protecting them from life, it's about giving the skills, ability and confidence to live life. By exercising this level of control you are doing her a disservice.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 31/12/2015 18:27

Op sorry your thread is getting derailed. Good decision. Happy new year Smile

FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:29

I don't feel very controlling?

I shall have a think

Cheers!

DancingDinosaur · 31/12/2015 18:31

My mum tried this when I was 16. I went anyway. Don't think I came back for over a week. I'd certainly moved out within months, into a tent with a friend. I never lived at home again.

ghostspirit · 31/12/2015 18:33

i agree with ghostinlighthouse there is no way my 16 year old would stay over night somewhere unless i spoke to the parents and had a number. and the fact its new years makes it more concerning as well.

FelicityFixIt · 31/12/2015 18:34

Dancing - I somehow can't see her moving out to live in a tent. I'm not a sergeant major barking orders and imposing my will left right and centre