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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Re Christmas Money

127 replies

Cutecat78 · 29/12/2015 15:02

DSCs have £60 each for Xmas they are 8 & 10.

I have always tried to guide my DC into saving money gifted to them for something they really want.

OH takes his DCs to large toy store and lets them blow it on whatever they want (today 3 days after Xmas when they have been given loads of lovely gifts) - one has an armful of soft toys when she already has loads at home.

I suggested to him (out of earshot of the kids) that he should be guiding them a bit more in the value of money (as he constantly moans about how crap and frivolous with money their mum is) and into saving their money for something they really want. He has now relayed this to the DC who are upset and pissed off as they thought they could buy whatever they wanted like a trolley dash round the toy shop. I said it's none of my business at the end of the day I was just suggesting he should be encouraging them to be more sensible rather than blow it on a load of things they don't really want (or need).

AIBU and a grumpy controlling bitch?

What do others do?

OP posts:
charlestonchaplin · 29/12/2015 16:41

Interesting how when good things are involved (e.g. gifts) step-parents, especially step-mothers and their families should (apparently) treat their step-children the same as their own children, but when bad things (like discipline) are involved, step-parents should butt right out. This exposes the fallacy of treating all the children the same as being just that, a fallacy.

Kacie123 · 29/12/2015 16:48

Hmm ... I think there might be some value in letting kids both save and spend money so they can start learning its value and how much things cost, and hopefully to start learning some self-control and saving habits.

I was never given money when I was little (very poor family) so when I did start earning as an adult, I went a little nuts. Even now it still sometimes burns a hole in my pocket. Luckily I live with an astute DH who can advise/hold me back and gets me to put stuff into savings.

But yes - a bit of saving, a bit of spending would be the best habit to get into it possible.

Viviennemary · 29/12/2015 16:53

I think they should be allowed to spend their Christmas money as long as it isn't hundreds of pounds. Say given by grandparents for saving or suchlike. But on the other hand £60 spent on total tat isn't really on either. It's a difficult one.

pod78 · 29/12/2015 16:57

OP YADNBU; it is your business, and I think you are absolutely right. They do need to learn about saving, delayed gratification and the value of money. It is brilliant that you would encourage them to do this. That is not the same as forbidding them to spend it or being controlling. There are ways to get the message across without being the wicked parent, as I'm sure you would do, but sounds like some other poster's parents did not. And absolutely, with you on not spending money on yet more stuff that is of no real value financially or emotionally.

MazzleDazzle · 29/12/2015 17:10

As a kid my parents brought me up not to spend what I didn't have, so I never took out a store card, credit card or loan, which I'm thankful for. However, they let me blow my Christmas/Birthday money on anything I liked.

As I got older I didn't learn to budget, had no savings and spent every penny I had!

I wish someone like you had taken my parents aside and had a quiet word in their ear Grin.

nokidshere · 29/12/2015 17:12

I always allowed mine to spend it but before they did we had a conversation about if they bought w x y now then they couldn't have z until they had saved up again. Sometimes they went for the tat and sometimes they decided to save it.

Now they are 15 & 17 and they get a £50 allowance each month and they manage it pretty well along the same lines. The know that when its gone it's gone and mum won't be topping up or buying treats.

So I would say it's worked very well.

CalleighDoodle · 29/12/2015 17:16

I agree with OP that HE should be teahing them the importance of saving for a rainy day.

Fwiw mine are 5 and 4 and i have always put half in the bank and half for them to spend of any money they receive.

Iggi999 · 29/12/2015 17:17

Save half, spend half works for me.

Iggi999 · 29/12/2015 17:18

Great minds, Caleigh

Shakey15000 · 29/12/2015 17:19

I'm with you in theory. I've taught DS it's a good idea to spend some, save some. He's 8 now and I don't steer him now, I say he can choose to do what he wants with it and he chooses to spend and save. Sometimes it's 50/50, others less/more. But it's a good lesson learnt.

SaltySeaBird · 29/12/2015 17:20

DD ends up with a fair bit at Christmas as DH comes from a big family and a lot of distant relatives pop £5 in a card for her.

We roughly put a third in her bank account for when she is much older, spend a third on annual memberships for her (like the local zoo) and then keep a third for toys and things she really wants and asks for. She needs to be consistent about what she wants for a few weeks before she gets it.

Pobspits · 29/12/2015 17:27

My kids are 9 and 5. They get money for birthdays and Christmas and it's usually kept until they want to buy something - this year Ds wanted to buy a Star Wars toy to go with his others straight away but he still has a fair amount left. Dd has her birthday in September - got maybe £70 or so and has just spent the last of it.

I don't encourage them to save for some indeterminate point in their future but I do encourage them not to waste it on stuff they don't REALLY want.

Dh would have them put it all in the bank. I think that's joyless.

AyeAmarok · 29/12/2015 17:37

It's sensible to teach them to save, yes.

But your DP is an irresponsible, useless arse. So why are you surprised?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/12/2015 17:43

I was under the impression that it's incredibly bad form to take opinions based on another thread onto a new thread.

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 29/12/2015 17:46

It is bad form, but sometimes it's relevant.

I insist dd saves some of her pocket money every week. Christmas money is instead of a present and so I think they should be able to spend it how they want.

I don't see why you mentioned it there. If you think it's an issue why not chat about it before. He may have felt embarrassed or like you were judging him.

Personally I would have let them carry on.

Merguez · 29/12/2015 17:46

The best way to teach them to be sensible about money is to let them learn by experience.

DS1 is a saver, and has accumulated over £1000 in his savings account from birthdays, christmases, pocket money & holiday jobs. He is good at Maths & understands the concept of earning interest.

DS2 is a spendthrift & has an empty bank account most of the time. As soon as he gets money he spends it. He wants to go on a school trip later this year. We have said he must pay half the cost himself. He is now rapidly evaluating his options ...

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 29/12/2015 17:50

It's not relevant - at all - or correct, which is why I couldn't be bothered explaining myself on the other thread.

OP posts:
charlestonchaplin · 29/12/2015 17:52

If you're referring to my comments they aren't 'based on another thread', they're just my opinions which I have probably repeated in one form or another on more than one thread. In any case I don't bow down to etiquette.

HortonWho · 29/12/2015 17:52

Totally with you, OP. But I would be fucking livid that he shared an adult conversation about parenting AFTER the fact with his children. I mean why? So he never has to be the bad guy. It's always someone else - you, their mum - never him. I wouldn't want to coparent with a man who actively tries to make me the disciplinary figure. Especially if I was the step parent!

Enjolrass · 29/12/2015 17:53

I think it kind of is though.

Enjolrass · 29/12/2015 17:54

Did he say 'cutecat says you aren't allowed to spend all you money today'

Or 'I have been thinking and I think you should save some of your money'

Gwenhwyfar · 29/12/2015 18:01

" I no longer gift cash or vouchers. It's too often seen as family money"

Are you saying that parents steal money you've given their children?

WyrdByrd · 29/12/2015 18:09

I don't disagree with your POV but think you were totally in the wrong to bring it up whilst they were actually enjoying a day out spending their money with their dad already, and your DP was frankly a complete arse to then raise it with them and make you look like the bad guy.

I try to encourage half and half with my DD (11), or bank any cheques into her savings account and she gets to spend cash or vouchers on whatever she chooses.

If she wants something bigger, she can use some of the savings money too (i.e. a couple of years ago she bought herself a good quality digital camera).

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 29/12/2015 18:24

Gwen, there's no way of ever knowing. I stopped after reading numerous threads where parents forced their children to save it then split thise savings when new children came along. Gift vouchers and cash being used on other family members or household items rather than the child choosing a gift.

It really opened my eyes, I never realised people would do this. You assume the person you gift too gets to spend it. It's a shame as lots like to feel grown up and go shopping. Now if I want them to do that I take them myself.

Specialsnowflake1 · 29/12/2015 19:09

Xmas and Birthday money is 'bonus' money and therefore can be spent on anything they would like. Its the same away I treat my birthday and xmas money.

My SC and DD have £45 to spend at the toy shop on Sunday and they are really looking forward to it.

Learning about saving should come from pocket money.