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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My girlfriend stopped taking the pill without telling me

151 replies

PhallicGiraffe · 28/12/2015 16:06

I just found out that my girlfriend of 14 months, after asking her, didnt renew her pills for birth control round about mid-November. We've had lots of sex since. When I asked her why, she 'wanted to see how I'd react'.
We've talked about kids, and we've both agreed we want them, but not right now. AIBU to want to run for the hills?
P.s. As a bloke, wanting a female perspective.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 28/12/2015 21:33

If people use the pill perfectly, the failure rate is around .3%. It's 99.7% safe per year in perfect, precise use. But that means 3 in a thousand women who use the pill perfectly will get pregnant, each and every year. That means that in ten years of perfect use, 1 in 33 women will get pregnant.

Obviously an upset stomach or conflicting medication or forgetting a pill or just being like this woman account for some, but there is genuine risk even with perfect use.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 28/12/2015 21:49

Hang on a minute. The OP consented to sex under certain circumstances and his partner deceived him into believing that those circumstances had been met when they hadn't? That's sex without consent.

OP i'm sorry, i don't see how it could be possible to come back from this.

kittypaws · 28/12/2015 21:59

if she isnt pregnant i would stay well clear of her, this is not fair on you, massive breach of trust.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 28/12/2015 22:03

OP, what are your thoughts on the unanimous opinion you've received here. Cos you haven't said....

Original poster
PhallicGiraffe · 28/12/2015 23:11

Thanks for all your input, it kinda confirms what I think, and also backs up what my mum said, and I haven't even told her this latest part. I am actually a bit worried about how she will react if I break up with her, and had talked about not wanting to continue living without me around.
She is a lovely person otherwise, caring and bubbly. However at the end of the day she has broken my trust, on something quite major.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2015 23:20

talked about not wanting to continue living without me around do you mean she threatens suicide? Because that is abusive.

PuntasticUsername · 28/12/2015 23:24

Run. Run, run, run, run, run.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 23:29

Ok I change part of my stance. Not the bit about you needing to take responsiblity for your own sperm but run like the fucking wind.

People who threaten suicide to try and keep hold of you are emotional abusers often really bad ones.

Take your mums advice and get shot

Taylor22 · 28/12/2015 23:36

Text her now. End it and then block her.

And then wait for her pregnancy announcement.

Trills · 28/12/2015 23:57

Threats of suicide, or even hints of threats, are just emotional abuse.

And yet another indicator of someone you do not want to be in a relationship with

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 29/12/2015 07:47

listen to your mum on this one. I've known people who have stayed because their partner threatened suicide if they left. The best thing in the end, in that situation, wasto break up.

PrincessMouse · 29/12/2015 08:47

I am actually a bit worried about how she will react if I break up with her, and had talked about not wanting to continue living without me around.

This is extremely manipulative. Combine the "living without you" comment with her stopping the pill without your knowledge and I would recommend you end this relationship sooner rather than later. You sound lovely for considering her wellbeing but do you really want to stay with someone you can't trust and someone that will vaguely threaten what looks to be suicide to manipulate you into staying in a relationship.

Unless you start taking contraceptive measures yourself I bet it wouldn't be long before she announced an "unexpected" "accidental" pregnancy.

How old are you both? Based on the brief information we have she sounds very immature.

Goingtobeawesome · 29/12/2015 08:52

Taylor - that is why I suggested the OP have her do a pregnancy test with him in the house so he can see if she is pregnant or not. If she lies and controls like this there is no reason to think she wouldn't have sex with someone else then claim the OP is the father. He can't trust her. Full stop. Therefore there is no relationship.

Mummystar123 · 29/12/2015 08:56

Yanbu for wanting out, she sounds crazy tbh but yabu for not taking responsibility for contraception yourself. Every time you have a ex with someone you are entering a situation where the possible outcome could be conception. You should wear conforms if you know you are not ready for a child at all. Or abstain from sex. I am pregnant and I was on the pill, I had a terrible hot of d and v with my children and hve gotten pregnant but bf does not want the baby. I'm keeping my child but he totally 'blames' me for getting pregnant. The Councelling service lady at my local crisis centre told me the above advice and she is right. Regardless of what she did to you, uou are both responsible for having sex and the potential outcomes that can generate.
Hope you work it all out.

springscoming · 29/12/2015 09:15

OP I strongly suggest you tell your mum about her suicide hints if you haven't already done so. One of my DSs was told something similar and I was able to support him and let the girl's mum know so that she could support her daughter.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/12/2015 10:07

going you cannot force someone to do a pregnancy test and a negative can often not provide complete certainty that she is not.

A lot depends on when they last had sex and where in her cycle she is.

LittleLionMansMummy · 29/12/2015 10:26

I'd like another child, dh isn't convinced. He knows that I've finished my pill packet and won't be going back for more. He accepts that it means condoms if he doesn't want a baby. We continue to talk about having another but I would never have just stopped taking the pill without telling him. That's a massive breach of trust and tricking someone into having a baby is unforgivable in my opinion. She sounds like a manipulator of the highest order op - including the emotional blackmail re. suicide. I don't think your relationship has a future.

BreakingDad77 · 29/12/2015 10:44

Dont get me wrong, the pill always comes with a risk, and condoms/abstention are a better bet. But to specifically stop taking them without informing you is a massive breach of trust and essentially lying.

First she needs a proper test to see if she is pregnant, if she is then you need to chat with her as to where that leave the relationship, wether you will keep it together or not.

There is always the risk where it will leave you resenting her and the child down the line and lead to acrimonious divorce as the lie eats away at you.

RainbowDashed · 29/12/2015 10:54

This sounds like the sort of stunt a former friend of mine (nb former) used to pull. She is a manipulative control freak. Your gf sounds much the same. It's all about the drama, which she has to be the centre of.

She dumped her bf of 8 years because she felt the relationship was getting a bit stale and (you may recognise this phrase OP) she wanted to know how he would react. He didn't bother trying to get back together with her, he'd had enough of her ridiculousness.

She then had an affair with a married man, got pregnant and had a termination. The whole time all she could think was "Woe is me". I have no idea whether the mm's wife knew any of it was going on.

Later on she settled down with another bloke but then took a job which meant she was away during the week. He would be left lists of jobs to do and she'd go nuts if she came home and anything wasn't done. She got a big, mental dog which the bf then had to look after all week even though he never wanted a dog. There were suspicions of an affair whilst she was away which led to her being dumped. She ended up belting him one round the jaw when she thought he was ignoring her - again because she wanted to get his attention and see how he would react. He walked away - and she screwed him financially when it came to him selling her his share of their house.

Is this the kind of future you want OP? I think you should run, run and then run a bit further, desperately hoping all the while that she's not pregnant.

BathshebaDarkstone · 29/12/2015 10:56

What a manipulative cow. How old are you both? She sounds very immature.

wannaBe · 29/12/2015 11:03

there is no question that this woman is an untrustworthy, manipulative bitch who should be gotten away from asap. The hills are that way

However, I am Hmm about all the posters who say that the op is unreasonable if he wasn't wearing a condom as well, given that he was in a trusting, committed relationship where they had previously discussed contraception. If a woman posted here that she and her partner were using condoms and one broke and she was afraid of pregnancy would people be telling her it was her fault for not taking responsibility for her own fertility? No thought not.

If you are in a committed relationship then the assumption is that you have discussed the method of contraception which you are both comfortable with. Certainly some couples may choose to double up if they are afraid of a contraceptive failure, but the implication that the man should always be responsible for the contraception even if the woman claims she is on the pill has massive implications that women are on the whole untrustworthy and that the man should be taking that extra step to be sure.

If my partner started to insist on wearing a condom despite the fact I was on the pill I would assume that he didn't trust me, and that in itself would cause issues for me in the relationship.

gotthemoononastick · 29/12/2015 11:07

This is THE nightmare for any mother of sons!

I am an old cynic OP.Is she already pregnant and not necessarily by you?

If not,you have had an extremely lucky escape.

Trust is paramount in any relationship and you would never be able to re- build this breach.

Learningtoletgo · 29/12/2015 11:29

I think moon might have a point. Is it possible she's pregnant by someone else?

Threatening suicide is emotionally abusive and is a massive red flag that you should end the relationship now. You're suppose to be in the 'honeymoon' phase of your relationship, if this is the good part just imagine what bad might look like Confused

Listen to your mum and end it. It will be the best move you'll ever make and allow you the freedom to meet someone with whom you can be happy.

WoodliceCollection · 29/12/2015 11:44

"If a woman posted here that she and her partner were using condoms and one broke and she was afraid of pregnancy would people be telling her it was her fault for not taking responsibility for her own fertility?"

Actually, I was told exactly that by NHS medical employees (ie their opinions are supported by the british state and taxpayer, so probably representative) when obtaining the morning-after pill when an ex (deliberately) removed condom during sex, without my consent. So yes, people do say that to women, and no, not one single person suggested to me that this ex was abusive, whereas people have been quick to throw that out against a young woman here.

It's also pretty laughable to suggest that there are issues with consent here, unless you would also argue that men who claim to be in a committed/long term relationship to get a shag, then dump the woman when someone younger/prettier comes along are also rapists. People change the terms of relationships without consent all the time, and that is usually lauded as liberation, here and elsewhere. A woman is not obluged to take medication which makes her ill (in this case, that has been said by op) just so men can have consequence-free piv sex! Of course she should have told him she was stopping, but not doing so does not make her a rapist/abuser, any more than not having said "i'll dump you in 6 months but lets fuck" makes some of my exes rapists/abusers. Dishonesty is wrong, and op you need to consider whether you can recover from this, but let's not trivialise abuse or consent by throwing it around wildly against confused young women, please.

BreakingDad77 · 29/12/2015 11:53

This is getting derailed as he stated she tampered with birth control, not some other factor eg breakage.