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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My girlfriend stopped taking the pill without telling me

151 replies

PhallicGiraffe · 28/12/2015 16:06

I just found out that my girlfriend of 14 months, after asking her, didnt renew her pills for birth control round about mid-November. We've had lots of sex since. When I asked her why, she 'wanted to see how I'd react'.
We've talked about kids, and we've both agreed we want them, but not right now. AIBU to want to run for the hills?
P.s. As a bloke, wanting a female perspective.

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 28/12/2015 16:33

Agree, the OP and reaction seems odd. A week or two ago, there was a post from a mother of a young adult son whose girlfriend was also vague about whether she was taking the pill and the young man was called all sorts of terrible names because he didn't want to be a father (he was currently at university and would have had to leave and get a job).

Yet a very similar situation and responses are mostly sympathetic to the man in question

BeepBeepMeep · 28/12/2015 16:33

Not unusual for a man to post here at all, where else would he go out of interest?

Mumsnet isn't just for those who have kids, it's got a bit for everyone. I've seen all manner of posters on here including the very young to the very old.

Anyway, OP she sounds very sly and immature. It's not a sound reason is it. I would cut and run for the hill.

Original poster

PhallicGiraffe · 28/12/2015 16:34

She said she stopped taking the pill because it made her feel sick. I said that is fine, but she should have still told me, and we could have used different methods.

OP posts:

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 28/12/2015 16:34

Walk away. What a horrible thing to do, both to you and any child it may have produced. Find somebody who will respect you.

Always always use your own contraception, people do lie even within marriage. It's the one piece of advice a child needs drumming into them.

WoodHeaven · 28/12/2015 16:34

Massive breech of trust from me too if you have have talked about it, agreed that it was better to wait AND agreed that contraception would be done through her taking the pill.

If she wanted to see how you would react, then it's easy. I think you should leave.

:(:( that you've learnt that way that she wasn't trustworthy.

Sparklingbrook · 28/12/2015 16:34

How did you find out? You must have had suspicions to ask her.

yorkshapudding · 28/12/2015 16:35

What your girlfriend has done is, in my view, unforgivable. It's not just the deception (although that alone is bad enough), it's that bringing a child into the world is such a momentous and hugely personal decision, how could she possibly justify taking your choice away? Trapping someone into a life-changing, life-long commitment that they had no idea they were making is tremendously selfish and controlling. Anyone capable of doing that is 100% bad news imho.
Has she taken a pregnancy test? Of course you can't force her but I would try to persuade her to take one (with you there, since she can't be trusted), then once you've established she's not pregnant, get the hell out and don't look back.

WoodHeaven · 28/12/2015 16:37

Taking the pill is something that should be discussed within a relationship as contraception is something that needs to be agreed together.

She can't decide to stop the pill wo telling you about it.

However she doesn't have to take the pill if it makes her feel sick. As you say, there are other contraceptions methods available.

WoodHeaven · 28/12/2015 16:37

I would also ask her to confirm if she thinks she is pregnant or not.

usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 16:38

There are different types of pill you can try. One made me ill too. Others didn't.

There would be no way back from this for me either.

revealall · 28/12/2015 16:38

She wants something more solid commitment wise.
If you really love her and want her to be your future then you need to discuss the timeframes you would be happy with in terms of marriage,children, buying a house, working etc. And stick to it.
You sound like you wouldn't be happy if she was pregnant. Probably tells you all you need to know.
If she is just a girlfriend and " not the one" the I think you should move on. Not fair if she's expecting more.

bodenbiscuit · 28/12/2015 16:39

I think it is also the man's responsibility, sure. But married couples don't mistrust each other this way (even though it happens within marriages too...)

I just think there should be a point where you trust someone.

smellsofelderberries · 28/12/2015 16:39

If I found out that I'd been having unprotected sex for 2 months with a man who'd told me he'd had a vasectomy and then he suddenly was all 'SURPRISE! I wanted to see how you'd react!' My immediate reaction would be to grab my coat and bolt for the door. If she's willing to lie about this, what else is she willing to lie about? Not paying the rent? Running up credit cards? Stopping contraception without telling your partner isn't just some silly practical joke.

Original poster

PhallicGiraffe · 28/12/2015 16:39

My girlfriend made a comment about how to increase fertility for men by having less caffeine and not having hot baths, which I thought was slightly weird as we weren't trying to have kids. So I then asked her outright.

OP posts:

JohnLuther · 28/12/2015 16:42

I'm sorry revealall but that's total bollocks, not one couple I know has made those type of plans and stuck to them. Life doesn't work like that.

Trills · 28/12/2015 16:43

She wanted to see how you'd react to being lied to?

What an idiot.

There are no good outcomes here for her

A - you stay with her and agree to have a baby - she's having a baby with someone who does not think honesty is important
B - you stay with her but don't have a baby just yet - she's in a relationship with someone who knows she is dishonest and will never trust her again
B - you dump her (because you are a sensible person who DOES think honesty is important - she's killed the relationship

OurBlanche · 28/12/2015 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2015 16:44

So are you going to dump her?

Inertia · 28/12/2015 16:46

There isn't just one female perspective - there are as many perspectives as there are women.

My view is that your girlfriend should have discussed contraceptive options with you, and that this particular relationship is probably broken now.

However, contraception is never the sole responsibility of the woman. The bottom line is that the human body has evolved in a way which maximises the chances of reproduction occurring for as many people as possible. Every sexual encounter could result in pregnancy, which is a biological fact that you need to accept if you want sex with women. If you don't want to run the risk of pregnancy then avoid PIV sex, or at the very least take responsibility for your own contraception every single time, and get clued up on failure rates.

OTheHugeManatee · 28/12/2015 16:46

I think this is as unforgivable as infidelity: a total breach of trust.

She's chosen to withhold important information from you about something profoundly important, intimate and life-changing. That's all the evidence you need about how much respect she has for you. You deserve a relationship with someone who wants you and not just a sperm donor.

Run for the hills, OP.

smellsofelderberries · 28/12/2015 16:47

And also, when DH and I weren't ready for kids yet, I was on the pill AND we used condoms. We trust each other 100%, but DH knew our situation when first married (and pre-marriage) wasn't ideal for pregnancy so used condoms, because he wasn't ready to be a Dad yet. He knew I was on the pill, but he saw that contraception was his responsibility too. That might strike people as odd, but it made no difference to me (actually, much less mess for me so I was happy with that )

Trills · 28/12/2015 16:47

If she is just a girlfriend and " not the one" the I think you should move on. Not fair if she's expecting more.

Even if you previously thought she was "the one", she's now revealed herself to be a massive liar who cannot be trusted (and who has fucked-up ideas about relationships and children, if she thinks "to see how you'd react" is in any way a sensible reason for doing what she did), so I think you should move on anyway.

stopmenow · 28/12/2015 16:48

Just a thought but are you sure she's telling the truth?

Could "see how you'd react" = see how you'd react to the possiblity of having children being very real? see if you would leave?

Is it possible that she's of an age where she wants to commit fully and start a family and thinks your heart isn't in it? So she told you that as a "test"?

Hissy · 28/12/2015 16:50

End it. She's a liar, a cheat and manipulative.

She'd make a bloody awful mother for one thing, and if you were unlucky enough to have kids with her when you split up ghee say whatever it takes to take you to the cleaners and destroy you.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/12/2015 16:52

I'm not buying the whole made her ill excuse. If that was the case, then why not just tell you that.

I suspect the aim was to get pregnant but claim it an accident.

You should dump her and tell her why too.

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