Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My girlfriend stopped taking the pill without telling me

151 replies

PhallicGiraffe · 28/12/2015 16:06

I just found out that my girlfriend of 14 months, after asking her, didnt renew her pills for birth control round about mid-November. We've had lots of sex since. When I asked her why, she 'wanted to see how I'd react'.
We've talked about kids, and we've both agreed we want them, but not right now. AIBU to want to run for the hills?
P.s. As a bloke, wanting a female perspective.

OP posts:
lostInTheWash · 28/12/2015 16:54

It sound like she is trying without talking to you.

I met a couple of mother's who did this in longer term relationships - it does happen it's often mistakenly described as contraception failure which is a separate issue and does happen.

Kind of worked for them - their men stuck around many don't - but they seemed very insecure within the relationships don't think either were really happy about their choice even though they got best outcome.

I'd worry she hasn't talked to you about it - it's a joint decision - babies children are hard work and know relationship stresses.

IonaNE · 28/12/2015 16:54

I would end it, immediately. It was a massive breach of trust - you realise that you could easily be a father by now and once that happens nothing can "undo" it; nor can you ever make a clean break. Also in the future you need to use condoms if you want to make sure.

Trills · 28/12/2015 16:54

Is it possible that she's of an age where she wants to commit fully and start a family and thinks your heart isn't in it? So she told you that as a "test"?

You're suggesting that she WAS taking the pill, but decided to lie and say she wasn't?

Who the fuck would think that's a good idea?

Sparklingbrook · 28/12/2015 16:55

This happened this afternoon? Where is she now?

UndramaticPause · 28/12/2015 16:57

This sounds like another installment of a previous thread

AuntieStella · 28/12/2015 16:57

I think this would be deal-breaker territory for most people.

Contraception and decisions on whether and when to try for DC need to be agreed by the couple, and then both should be able to trust the other to honour their side of the deal.

Without trust on something as basic and as hugely important as this, it's hard to see how there can be any level of trust. And with no trust, there's no chance of a healthy relationship.

Sallyingforth · 28/12/2015 16:57

I was also wondering if she really had stopped the pill. Just telling you she had could be her 'test'. But for you the result is just the same - she has broken the trust that should exist between people in a committed relationship.
Dump her.

WoodHeaven · 28/12/2015 16:58

Sorry but you don't 'test' someone to check if they are ready for commitment by lying to them and even less by lying on something like contraception. It's a child that you are taking the risk of having! One that is extremely likely to live with some divorced parents, that won't get on well because of the breach of trust.
How can that be a good idea????

Flossiesmummy · 28/12/2015 16:59

I hope she's not pregnant! Leave and never go back. Seriously.

IAmNotAMindReader · 28/12/2015 17:00

No one male or female needs their partner playing games like this.

What's next? I had an affair to see how you'd react, see if you love me enough to forgive me? This kind of insecurity only builds unless the one with the insecurity issues deals with it or there will be I wanted to see how you would react, I wanted to see you prove you loved me scenarios time after time eventually eroding all trust in the relationship on both sides.

She isn't sure of your commitment to her and the relationship but her way of going about finding that out tells me she isn't mature enough to have the long term relationships she seeks.
What was wrong with having a discussion?

The relationship would be over for me. I would sit her down and tell her exactly why, the game playing and the fact that she took such a huge step without involving you in the discussion and giving you the opportunity to think about it.

In future take responsibility for your own contraception.

hiddenhome2 · 28/12/2015 17:01

She'll be down at Boots buying a test kit.

stopmenow · 28/12/2015 17:01

Trills

I was not saying it was a good idea if it is right. Only that it is a thought. The answer to who would do it is maybe a person who has repeatedly said "when can we try for a family" and been told not now not now not now and who thinks that never is the actual answer and maybe wants to leave but it is unsure and mixed up and making bad choices to test the true intentions of the partner she maybe wants to leave - if the real answer is never not with you. If the truth is you want kids really not now but sometime , the reaction maybe different to never.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/12/2015 17:04

Too much game playing for my liking.

I agree, that if a couple have jointly chosen the pull as their contraception, then he should not need to wear a condom 'just in case'

I think you react by making it massively clear this isn't about wanting/not wanting kids but it's about the complete disregard for trust. You can't have a committed relationship and raise kids under those circumstances

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/12/2015 17:06

'Pill'

BondJayneBond · 28/12/2015 17:07

This is a massive breach of trust and something that would have me seriously reconsidering whether I wanted to stay in the relationship.

She should have told you that she was going to stop taking the pill and discussed this with you, or at least told you in advance, like a sensible adult.

revealall · 28/12/2015 17:08

John yes I realise that life plans never really work out. It was more the agreement of what they want.

It just that the op said they had discussed having children but "not now". So when? After marriage, after travel, when they had better jobs? She obviously thinks now is as good as time as any.

Kaytee1987 · 28/12/2015 17:09

Run for the hills ... however please remember that if you don't want children then use a condom so you are personally responsible for your own fertility as pp have said.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 17:22

In a sexual relationship of only 14 months you with strong anti being a father views, you should not be relying on someone else to take care of that.

Failures happen, illness that causes problems with it happen,dishonesty happens, being unreliable happens.

In future take full responsibility for your own sperm

lorelei9 · 28/12/2015 17:24

Run
No alternative
Haven't got words for how much I detest women who do this
Sorry this has happened to you

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2015 17:26

This is sex without consent
She changed the terms of the sex without consulting or agreeing with you, so she had sex with you without your informed consent. There is no way I could forgive someone for this.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2015 17:27

This is totally unacceptable, it would be a dealbreaker for me, I would have no more sex with her. As others have said, end the relationship.

Whatdoidohelp · 28/12/2015 17:29

She has done something unforgivable in my opinion. If she did this imagine what else she is capable off

Shutthatdoor · 28/12/2015 17:33

Run and don't look back.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 28/12/2015 17:34

That is massively out of order. It goes without saying that you should not have sex without insisting on a condom now, but as she's already tried to trick you and trap you I think the betrayal of trust is such that I would consider ending the relationship if I were you.

If she is already PG and you decided to walk away sh would only have herself to blame.

PrincessMouse · 28/12/2015 17:35

This is so dishonest and a complete deal breaker IMO. It's the equivalent of a man poking holes in a condoms without telling a woman. Out of order. If it was me I would be here asking for opinions. I would have ended the relationship there and then.

Run for the hills and don't look back Op.