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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My girlfriend stopped taking the pill without telling me

151 replies

PhallicGiraffe · 28/12/2015 16:06

I just found out that my girlfriend of 14 months, after asking her, didnt renew her pills for birth control round about mid-November. We've had lots of sex since. When I asked her why, she 'wanted to see how I'd react'.
We've talked about kids, and we've both agreed we want them, but not right now. AIBU to want to run for the hills?
P.s. As a bloke, wanting a female perspective.

OP posts:
goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 28/12/2015 17:38

She has every right to stop taking hormonal forms of contraception - and you have no right to an "input" on that.

HOWEVER, she doesn't have the right to have simply stopped taking it without telling you, and allowing you to continue to believe that contraception is in place.

In summary: I would finish the relationship on the basis that she has massively, massively breached your trust. Tricking someone into a pregnancy, or being prepared to do so, is no something a relationship can recover from.

I would make it clear in your parting words that at this point, even if she was pregnant, you wouldn't even consider resuming the relationship.

VestalVirgin · 28/12/2015 17:42

I just found out that my girlfriend of 14 months, after asking her, didnt renew her pills for birth control round about mid-November. We've had lots of sex since. When I asked her why, she 'wanted to see how I'd react'.

Well, give her what she wants: Run for the hills. Then she will know how people react to that, and hopefully be wiser next time.

I mean, I really support every woman's right to a) not take artificial hormones and b) decide when she wants children.
Lying is not the solution, though. She should just have said that she wants children right now and will quit the pill.

peppielillyan · 28/12/2015 17:46

First thought: you are some sort of Teenagers!
Second thought: Wow, that girl loves you a lot! she wants to give you a baby as a present!

sleeponeday · 28/12/2015 17:48

  1. A person should have absolute control over their own fertility.

  2. Anyone trying to control someone else's fertility is an abuser

  3. She risked your becoming a father, knowing you would have no say once she was pregnant, and that you did not consent to sex without contraception.

She is an abuser.

Run.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2015 17:48

It's the equivalent of a man poking holes in a condoms without telling a woman. I do think it's awful. I don't think it's comparable. Pregnancy and childbirth is life threatening for women and not for men. It also affects women's health. PND, sexual health, all sorts of stuff. Socially, in terms of stigma and so on, earnings potential.

As I say, dreadful. Not the same.

chillycurtains · 28/12/2015 17:54

I think this is a reverse of someone doing or considering this. Confused

However yes, run. It is a terrible break of trust. I don't think you can trust someone after this. What future would you have when you can't trust them with the serious matters, if not the most serious matter, in a relationship. Sorry. Sad

sleeponeday · 28/12/2015 17:55

That's true, but a woman also has the option of an abortion. Once a baby has been conceived, a guy is at the mercy of her choices. Obviously, for all the reasons you've given, that is absolutely as it should be... but it's worth remembering that the "not the same" has debits as well as credits in the accounting.

sleeponeday · 28/12/2015 17:55

Sorry, XPost, that was to MrsTerry.

PrincessMouse · 28/12/2015 17:58

What's my comment got to do with pregnancy and childbirth? I never mentioned pregnancy or childbirth. My point was the deciet.. Pure and simple. It would be just as deceitful, therefor just as bad and terms for an immediate end to the relationship. Trying to trap someone into becoming a parent is out of order and controlling.

mrsjskelton · 28/12/2015 18:00

Relationships are based on trust. How could you trust her not to sabotage your contraception again? It's not her decision to have a child, it belongs to both of you. I'd rat her out to her family and then run for the hills.

FlatOnTheHill · 28/12/2015 18:01

Run.

Arfarfanarf · 28/12/2015 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Claraoswald36 · 28/12/2015 18:08

I want to say give her a chance but how could you trust her again? What a sad situation

PrincessMouse · 28/12/2015 18:18

And another point.. If she can lie about something that has potentially lifelong consequences for both of you if she were pregnant. Can you imagine what else she is capable of lying about?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2015 18:21

I don't think the potential consequences have any bearing on which is worse to be honest, this woman had sex without his informed consent which makes her a sexual abuser. The potential consequences of non pill taking versus condom hole poking are a separate issue.

PrincessMouse · 28/12/2015 18:25

If she's lying about the pill she's capable of lying about other things.. His better off out of there and find himself a trustworthy partner.

FlowersAndShit · 28/12/2015 18:35

I wonder how many 'contraception failures' are actually a result of women purposely not taking their pill in order to get pregnant? Isn't it something like 99.9% effective?

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 28/12/2015 18:49

I am very cynical about 75% of apparent contraceptive failures. I think the only thing that failed was the person who failed (whether deliberately or not) to use them properly.

Trills · 28/12/2015 19:56

NHS says that if you take the combined pill correctly "under 1 in 100 women would get pregnant in a year".

It doesn't say how many under.

But 1 in 100, if taken perfectly, is probably a high enough failure rate to account for most unplanned pregnancies that you know about. That's not allowing for any forgetfulness or stomach bugs (vomiting or diarrhoea means that it will not be in your system for long enough to be absorbed correctly).

Even 99.9% would mean that 1 woman in 1000 would get pregnant every year.

If someone tells you about their seemingly-unplanned pregnancy, the possibilities are:
A - they took it properly, they are one of the 1 in 100
B - they did not take it properly, or were not quite careful enough around an illness, but they don't realise
C - they did not take it properly, and they know it, but they don't want to admit it
D - they stopped taking it on purpose

I think A+ B + C are much much higher than D.

Or maybe I am just naive and think too highly of the morals of my fellow human beings.

RaspberryOverloadingOnTurkey · 28/12/2015 20:10

OP, I do feel your GF was trying to get pregnant and claim it was an accident.

My girlfriend made a comment about how to increase fertility for men by having less caffeine and not having hot baths, which I thought was slightly weird as we weren't trying to have kids. So I then asked her outright.

She probably wasn't really expecting to be asked, so her comment "to see how you react" in answer to your question was probably just something she had to think of when put on the spot.

She said she stopped taking the pill because it made her feel sick. I said that is fine, but she should have still told me, and we could have used different methods.

You're right, she should have told you, if this was indeed the case. Not doing so was deceitful, and would in my case have been a dealbreaker if this had been done to me.

Wombat87 · 28/12/2015 20:14

Sounds pretty deceitful. I've had all sorts of different pills because they didn't agree with me. I've had combined, mini and even tried the injection. She had a duty to tell you.

My contraception failed. I was poorly, the medicine I was prescribed upset my stomach and I was stupid, didn't read the labels etc. This was my fault, no one else's. And when hysterically crying down the phone to DP about my stupidity after peeing on 3 sticks he was calm collected. Luckily for my situation DP and I are stable, and we had spoken about children, and this little one is just a year earlier than what we had expected and planned. (Before anyone accuses me of entrapment we were doing a large renovation project, doing 16/18hour days, I'd been sick 3 times in 6weeks and we were shot to hell. Sex every 3 weeks because you're so tired...sheer unlucky with the timing). You don't sound like you've had such a similar conversation.

If she's spoken about increasing fertility, it sounds to me like she's planning on getting pregnant. Unless there's something that you can physically watch her take or go to watch her have injected (injection, implant, coil) you'll never trust her again. Run.

Phalenopsisgirl · 28/12/2015 21:01

Only you really know the full story here and can make a judgement on what you do next. I would definitely advise taking control of contraception yourself as I already said. I would be wary of the things people say on these forums, they read a few lines about a situation and your relationship fill in the pages and pages of blanks themselves creating a picture of you and your gf based on their imagination, convince themselves they are now an authority on the matter and then advise accordingly. You may be in a wonderful committed relationship of ten years and this is a single misjudgement in all that time. She may have been desperate for children for years and you are shying from the subject. Only you two can sort this between you, I would speak to friends who really know you and your relationship if you want further council. No yanbu to be angry, just take what you read on here with a pinch of salt.

Farahilda · 28/12/2015 21:09

"You may be in a wonderful committed relationship of ten years and this is a single misjudgement in all that time."

He says in OP that they've been together for 14 months, and that she had admitted ditching the contraception he had been led to believe they were both relying on about 2 months ago.

She may have been desperate for DC for years, but that's not really anything to do with this (much newer) relationship. I don't see anything remotely unreasonable in OP's opinion that only just over a year in to a relationship is too soon to have DC.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/12/2015 21:25

agree trills, ive met a few woman who say they got preg when on the pill, then turns out they took it late/forgot one day/were sick/on antibs etc etc ......

op - be very careful, if you dont want children yet (how old are you/gf?) then if you stay with this woman, how can you trust her?

only said this afternoon to my friend shame there isnt a male pill yet for those men who dont want kids yet suddenly become a dad as woman trapped them

contraception should be discussed together, she broke your trust by stopping the pill

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/12/2015 21:25

I would be interested to know if she actually expressly told him she was on the pill or he just assumed.

Either way if you are certain you do not currently want kids it is your personal responsibility to do your best to protect against it, that rarely involves having someone else take care of it

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