To be upset....

[Phalenopsisgirl]

Booked a 3D scan for today as thought this would be a lovely thing to do as a family (dh, ds and 2 dss) at Christmas and told older step children about it a few weeks ago. One showed no interest and said at the time he would probably have plans so I let it go there and then but other ( who lives with us full time ) said yes,great, he'd be there. This morning he has clearly forgotten and announces he has a guest coming round, I was not consulted directly but pointed out to dh that guest should be put off until later in the day as a previous commitment has been made but dh decides to take the easy route and just let it go. Left feeling really crushed, dh can't see why I am upset and can't understand that he should be showing his adult sons that if you have committed to something you should see it through, even if you have forgotten once reminded you should stick with first commitment. Note my parents would have loved to have come but I didn't invite as was treating it as a thing for just the 5 of us. AIBU?

And to clarify I was only expecting the son who had asked to come to come, the other was always not coming and that was fine by me. No body was being persuaded into it.

Glad to hear it all went well.

"I personally would be over the moon to be invited and share someone's excitement"

Although I am really please and excited for friends when I hear about a pregnancy. I definitely wouldn't be joining or wanting to join them on a 3/4 D scan or any scan. The only exception to this rule would be a friend asking me to go because said friend would be on her own if I didn't attend.

I bet your SS has been left feeling really nervous scared that the GF seemed so excited broody

Heard it all now, bet they wish they'd gone to see Star Wars instead rather than have to fake excitement.

I wonder if you're OTT as its a girl as presumably none of the others had a big screen scan with invitations issued.

There is no way this was booked for the adult children and not yourself. They are adults with their own lives, they will have little interest in their step mother having a baby.

Princess, it's likely reminded him very much of safe sex and put him off for a while.

Pregnancy is exciting for the parents, for everyone else those nine months can seem an eternity!

I think they were all obliged to look interested since you managed to get them all to attend.
Lovely that you're so excited though

I'm glad it all worked out for you. I think the reason why people have been surprised ( including myself) is because most see scans as a medical procedure and not a fun family outing. You took your younger son to the 20 week scan- imagine how horrendous and traumatic it would have been for him if there had been a problem (especially as the point of the scan is to check for anomalies, not find out the sex).

It just seems very over the top for me, if there was a problem at the 4d scan would you have wanted to share that with your son's girlfriend?

The thing is though OP, you booked it and then told them about it.

Imo you should have checked with them before booking, to make sure they actually wanted to come.

Just because they made noises about the last scan, doesn't mean they wanted you to book a 'family experience' for them all.

I don't think it was fair to put them in that position where they felt obliged to go, and then start moaning because one of them wanted to see a friend instead.

Still it's done and over with now.

Autumn I bet he stopped at a chemist for a multi pack of "super strong" on the way home.

Princess mouse .... The girlfriend who as good as lives with us has been rediculously excited from the get go. ( another reason I looked to include her) He told me he and she talk about how fantastic it will be all the time and how desperate she is to 'borrow' the baby as they are both adamant they are keen to wait for kids themselves as they want time to be free to follow careers and travel etc. and importantly have their own home, but will be up for, and I quote 'any amount of baby sitting' and even the odd night feed so dh and I can get a few uninterupted hours sleep! Result

And then reality hits.....;)

I'm glad it went well for you.

It's never going to be a universally popular entertainment choice, because anyone who has ever had an adverse scan at any point is very unlikely (whatever the outcome of their PG) to ever contemplate one without trepidation.

BTW, what is the protocol if the sonographer for a 'non-medical' scan spots something that might be cause for concern?

There's one of the 4D places near me and I often see family groups going in including older men who I assume must be grandfathers-to-be, always strikes me as odd too but each to their own.

Op I was only lightheartedly teasing. But, it's amazing how broody she may well get after the scan and when the baby arrives.

Well it probably seems odd because it's not commonplace. It's when you're crushed because of the big audience declining being at the birth is when you're truly into loon territory.

Glad it went well OP, good luck.

i have not had a 4d scan. would like to. but anyway i have had the standard scan. my 5 year old was excited and the bloke that done the scan gave daughter a scan pic of the baby that she could have herself. but i think thats because shes 5. my other kids would have died of boredom. they would look at the scan pic after and say wow cool. sort of thing but they would not want to come.

i do agree its a strange thing to make as a family thing with young adults. when im pregnant anything to do with pregnancy is ace its very intresting. as soon as im not its just all boring stuff.

i would keep the excitement for me and partner. in mycase for 5 year old to. but in general its a parents thing

Worraliberty, I was actually in tears with the disappointment as stupidly I had been looking forward to us all sharing the event when I originally posted so I didn't really explain myself well and now I read it back I can see how people misunderstood. We were sat around the kitchen table when Ds (11) brought up, could we go for another 4 d scan and I looked for availability and asked if Dss and girlfriend would like to come/ could make it? Much genuine interest was shown so I pulled out the credit card and booked. Had no one fancied it I prob would have just told Ds to wait until the birth as he had already been to the gender scan but others had been unwittingly excluded ( because I thought they wouldn't be interested. ) However once booked I did start to get excited that we could all go together and didn't ask parents so Dss and girlfriend would feel this was for them, then this morning I'm told someone is coming over to use our swimming pool because Dss had forgotten the date. I just expected the swim to be pushed back an hour to accommodate both the scan and the swim and dh made me feel really bad that I still wanted our plans to go ahead. The issue was I wasn't that fussed, I had booked it to include them after they were sad not to have come the first time. Younger Dss never wanted to come, and so I didn't plan around him attending and had no issue with him not being bothered. I was hurt that once reminded that it was today the first port of call wasn't to postpone the guest an hour, instead I was made to feel that I was in the wrong to expect it.

Afterwards were you going to watch a colonoscopy?
I'm crying with laughter at this thread.

I'm laughing at the idea of an eleven year old asking his mum to book a baby scan as a treat. Howling.

Meditrina... Good question, and if they do find something then yes you will be told and they refer you as a matter of urgency to the hospital ( they ask you to take your notes for this reason) the people who work there are regular nhs sonographers as their day job but take shifts at the private place to top up income. We had had our abnormality scan and so they were not looking for that, instead they focus on babies face and the cute stuff, not running through organs one by one. However IF they see something yes they speak up but very unlikely as they simply aren't checking especially so late in pregnancy.

I also think this is bizarre, but each to their own. I had two private scans with DS as I suffered from severe anxiety during pregnancy, but only DH and I knew about those scans (and we still have never mentioned it to anyone) because as far as I'm concerned any scan is for diagnostic purposes or reassurance and is not for entertainment value. As I said though, each to their own.

In 'tears of disappointment'?

I stand by what I said earlier then.

This whole 'experience' was definitely for you, even if you don't realise it. Your stepson was obviously made to feel guilty so he eventually agreed to come along.

Hopefully this is a one-off and you'll think more carefully in future, and remember that only 2 people decided to have this baby and that's you and your DP.

If you behave anything like this again, you really do run the risk of pushing them all away.

Share the excitement by all means, but stop pushing it onto your step children (adults).

I think you're being a bit harsh and extreme there Worra.

Paulankathedog - I thought my Ds was showing normal excitement until I was told by another parent at school how amused they were that they had asked my Ds what he was doing this weekend and he had with total genuine joy told them he was "going to the baby show to choose stuff for the baby" they couldn't believe how thrilled he was as their own children would have been as interested in choosing a pram as watching paint dry. I guess he has waited a long time for a 'real' sibling and so is extra chuffed. Plus part of my 'inclusive pregnancy' is to have a home birth so anyone who wishes to be involved can be, he also is very keen to attend that, to the point of turning down a place on this years ski trip just in case baby comes then and he misses it. Clearly I am very lucky to have such a sensitive and involved big brother.

It's the thread that just keeps on giving baby shows for a fourth child in the family and a home birth in case the scan wasn't enough.

I predict the remaining elder son at home will have move out by that point!

Your point about "real" siblings goes against everything you have said about making the others feel included.

inviting whoever wants to watch the home birth. Crazy.