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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset....

419 replies

Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2015 10:36

Booked a 3D scan for today as thought this would be a lovely thing to do as a family (dh, ds and 2 dss) at Christmas and told older step children about it a few weeks ago. One showed no interest and said at the time he would probably have plans so I let it go there and then but other ( who lives with us full time ) said yes,great, he'd be there. This morning he has clearly forgotten and announces he has a guest coming round, I was not consulted directly but pointed out to dh that guest should be put off until later in the day as a previous commitment has been made but dh decides to take the easy route and just let it go. Left feeling really crushed, dh can't see why I am upset and can't understand that he should be showing his adult sons that if you have committed to something you should see it through, even if you have forgotten once reminded you should stick with first commitment. Note my parents would have loved to have come but I didn't invite as was treating it as a thing for just the 5 of us. AIBU?

OP posts:
Maryz · 27/12/2015 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 27/12/2015 14:12

OP please don't subject your kid to a birth. Nobody aside from the really crunchy and selfish would do that.

I'm out, there is twilight music playing.

PunkrockerGirl · 27/12/2015 14:13

I'd have found it weird if they did want to go, tbh Hmm

NerrSnerr · 27/12/2015 14:14

The fact that you took your 11 year old to the 20 week scan suggests that you hadn't thought through what would happen and how it would affect him if the unthinkable happened. I have two friends who were rushed to hospital after having huge bleeds after home births. Please don't subject him to trauma.

AliceInUnderpants · 27/12/2015 14:15

Oh come on!!

Your baby isn't as interesting to anyone else as it is to you and your DP. Your son's reaction to it really isn't 'normal'.

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2015 14:15

Paul, worra doesn't understand feeling disappointed when you plan something for someone else and then they bail. This is not the sort of empathy you can explain. One day she will experience it for herself. I think today was the final straw as I had also organised a lovely Christmas Day, lots of little special treats and surprises throughout the day for all our guests and then in laws decided they didn't fancy it last minute so was feeling a bit cut up by that too. However I had 12 other guests to worry about that day so just shrugged it off. Today Dss and girlfriend really were THE important guests and so I let it get to me. Note to self ...be more selfish and please number one only in future !!

OP posts:
Maryz · 27/12/2015 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 27/12/2015 14:21

Maybe they couldnt face another day of baby talk, pregnant women can be hugely annoying and boring at the best of times much less ones that do cinema and live shows.

I'd guess your younger son is feigning interest as he is quite old enough to understand that the first girl after three boys will steal all the attention from his parents. This pregnancy should have been low key given the ages of the others and their feelings not a "look at me" at every step.

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2015 14:23

Nerrsnerr....I didn't ....yet another person jumping in having not actually read what I posted and saying something judgemental based on incorrect information

OP posts:
FarrowAndBallache · 27/12/2015 14:23

Ye gods.

Bunbaker · 27/12/2015 14:24

"Plus part of my 'inclusive pregnancy' is to have a home birth so anyone who wishes to be involved can be, he also is very keen to attend that"

Clearly I am very different to you because I don't share personal and private stuff like this. I consider having medical procedures and giving birth as events not for public viewing. So I admit that I find your oversharing a bit weird, sorry.

I hope all goes well for you though.

Olddear · 27/12/2015 14:28

A day out to a 3D scan? Hells teeth.....

PrincessMouse · 27/12/2015 14:29

I guess he has waited a long time for a 'real' sibling and so is extra chuffed. Plus part of my 'inclusive pregnancy' is to have a home birth so anyone who wishes to be involved can be, he also is very keen to attend that, to the point of turning down a place on this years ski trip just in case baby comes then and he misses it.

I love this.. This will be hard to beat as my MN quote of the day. His missing his ski trip? Grin

Op. What do you mean by a 'real' sibling? Doesn't he already have some?

ghostspirit · 27/12/2015 14:29

i have had 2 home births my son saw the first one he was only 3 though and that was by accident. 2nd home birth was planned. teenager stuck her head round the door that was about it. but i would not actually plan for them to actually watch it.

my kids have come to scans as well because i have not had any one to look after them. of course have to be awear something could go wrong but the scans need to be done.

i do understand where worra is coming from. if i can a scan like that it would be for me.

NerrSnerr · 27/12/2015 14:30

Apologise- lots of people call the 20 week scan the gender scan so I misunderstood. Please still be careful with him being present at birth, I know so many people (including myself) who had complications. My husband had nightmares after mine so imagine how it would affect a child.

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2015 14:36

I'm really shocked at how many people use this forum to bully rather than trying to be kind and constructive. It's quite a worry that these people are parents. Yes I try and promote a kind, loving and inclusive home environment, when blending 2 families I think it is important that everyone feels they have a place and can be involved in it as much (or as little) as they want. My birth, my home, my choice. How dare someone suggest my labour will be inflicted on my Ds ! He is free to stand and watch every moment or can trot off to his room and shut the door. However I know how keen he is to witness a miracle, labour is natural and part of real life, not something dirty and horrid to take place somewhere out of sight and never to be spoken of. He has of course been prepared about all the possible outcomes, he understands what, how etc. and yes he knows his parents have sex!

OP posts:
LikeADivil · 27/12/2015 14:36

You sound like a lovely considerate Mum and StepMum.
I would have LOVED a 3D scan. I actually cried at one of my appointments as I had assumed I was having a normal scan, but I wasn't!

Bunbaker · 27/12/2015 14:37

Actually, I do understand the disappointment when people bail out, especially when you make plans for Christmas day and people change their minds.

Realistically, I think you need to lower your expectations regarding everyone else's excitement over your forthcoming baby. You are making this new baby the main focus of your life, so please be careful not to overlook your son as well.

I also think it is a bit odd that your son shows quite so much interest - scans, baby shows, attending the birth etc.

Interestingly, I have just asked DD (15) how much interest she would show if I ever got pregnant (this is theoretical as I am way past childbearing age now). She said that she would not be the least bit interested and would probably leave home as she hates babies

ghostspirit · 27/12/2015 14:45

bun i asked my 18 year old her mate who is part of the furniture. and my 13 year old son. they all said they would be like wtf.

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2015 14:46

Ds has no 'natural' siblings so he thinks of this as his first 'real ' one. This baby is particularly revered by all of them as a genetic link between between them all. Not that there isn't love between them now but they have all expressed a feeling that the new baby binds them together

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 27/12/2015 14:48

What do you mean 'natural'?

shazzarooney99 · 27/12/2015 14:48

Ive heard it all now! an 11 year old boy who knows his parents have sex? hes going to be at the home birth? its not natrual! none of it, i mean who discusses mum and dad having sex to an 11 year old or even younger?

Maryz · 27/12/2015 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressMia · 27/12/2015 14:53

I'm told someone is coming over to use our swimming pool

Have the birth in this pool...will put DSS off from ever swimming there again & so no such excuses for next live show.

Is scan playing on a loop in the home cinema ?

Bunbaker · 27/12/2015 14:53

I think that's it exactly. The OP's stance is not mainstream, and slightly barmy. Although, I think the OP sounds lovely and kind.

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