AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

[LookingForwardto2016]

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

You are suggesting that adults should be allowed to express rejection of certain children by means of mean spirited gestures at Christmas.

Please tell me I am wrong here.

Yes adults are allowed to express rejection or otherwise of their or other people's children at Christmas or any other times of year.

you can't force another adult to feel something they don't, and you can't force them into spending their money.

You can try and help them build up a relationship, facilitate but you can't force it. I think often presents are given because you know that person, not just because of some genetic relationship.

Does anyone honestly think the MIL sat there thinking how can I express my rejection of this child? I think she was thinking, must get something nice for step-GC, make sure she feels part of the family. Just that like many posters here she didn't feel that making her feel accepted was synonymous with pretending she was another grandchild.

Question OP: what did the DSD give to the step-GM? Was it the same as what she gave to her own grandparents? I'd find that an interesting data-point.

Really, Headofthehive? I am gobsmacked.

Actually Catkind, the OP states that she was not thinking 'must get something nice for step-GC'.

The OP states that he rmother 'wanted to make sure she still had something to open' even though she had decided to give the other children significant gifts. What she got was therefore intended to be a step up from nothing.

How can it be otherwise? How do you force an adult to feel something?

It seems she gave her a little present which was kind.

You can't force her to feel something, I agree, Head - but I do think she should have realised how a little girl could be upset by seeing her step-siblings given so much more.

She could have given them all something, and handed the rest over to the OP to give to her dc once her dsd had gone home - just a little thoughtfulness would have prevented a 10-year-old being upset - and I don't think it is too much to expect an adult to show that sort of sensitivity.

Head..You fake it til you make it
Why is the idea of her needing therapy when she's older so laughable ?
She is from a broken home and situations like this will be chinks in her armour for sure
Anyway the OP is 100% convinced that the right decision was made..

It's part of the mumsnet philosophy that step children should be treated like princes and princesses even if that's very unfair on any subsequent children.

It's weird.

I think at ten she would be able to understand that her own grandma will give presents another time, and that this lady is not her grandma? Like they understand they are not invited to every party.

Lots of people have godmothers that drop in with presents for their godchild.

Children that age should understand the difference in family relationships.

I would certainly be pointing out that someone is not a cousin, but a step cousin. But then, I do explain the difference between my children's second cousin once removed and second cousin. so they understand where they fit in the family tree!

You can't force someone to fake it either, that's my point. To tell someone they can only give gifts to be opened secretly rather removes the joy from giving.

It's part of the mumsnet philosophy that step children should be treated like princes and princesses even if that's very unfair on any subsequent children.

Agreed! Everyone must adapt their lives for one person. Everyone must put that person at the centre of everything. Everyone must over compensate. MN is the best place to come if you want to hear that sort of stuff trotted about :)

One person/one group of people of there is more than one stepchild

I am not saying that this step child should be 'treated like a princess' - I am saying that adults could have shown a little forethought and sensitivity IN ORDER NOT TO HURT A 10-YEAR-OLD GIRL!!

Is that truly such an outlandish thing to suggest?

I think the ops mistake if any was not preparing the girl beforehand. Then she wouldn't be upset and it wouldn't have come as a shock.

Likewise we prepare ours if we think there will be an apparent imbalance. Our own children don't get the same value spent on them on the day...for lots of reasons.

Head I agree. We should have warned her beforehand and that is what we will remind her if we see my mum again this Christmas whilst dsd is here.

SDT A ten year old girl wouldn't be hurt if she didn't expect everyone who walks through the door to treat her completely the same as her siblings. (I'm not specifically aiming that at dsd, but 10 year olds in general, who are at an age to understand full well that people have different family members/friends )People such as a stepmum's extended family members/ godparent of the other children/ even the stepmum's "mummy" friends who see the stepmum's children all the time.

I am not saying that this step child should be 'treated like a princess' - I am saying that adults could have shown a little forethought and sensitivity IN ORDER NOT TO HURT A 10-YEAR-OLD GIRL!

Yes it is outlandish.

A 10yo is old enough to understand that xyz are this woman's grandchildren but x is her grandmother

Have to say, I remain bemused by the apparent necessity of marking this child out.

What was the big deal exactly?

This was Xmas presents not the inheritance.

Why was it so nb to give "her own" more?

Especially when I note she apparently didn't do this with your brothers step children? Or did I pick that up wrong?

The child of your aunt is your cousin in my books. Why would you be so punctilious about the word 'step'? What does it matter?

You absolutely can force someone to go through the motions, fake it, and be gracious. It is called being a grown up and many people manage it.

The joy of giving? It is not all about the feelings of the giver. At what point in a life does it behove someone to acte like a grown up and put the feelings of other people before your own? At ten?

It's part of the mumsnet philosophy that step children should be treated like princes and princesses even if that's very unfair on any subsequent children.

Agreed! Everyone must adapt their lives for one person. Everyone must put that person at the centre of everything. Everyone must over compensate.

From this I deduce that despite your protestations to the contrary, you have a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about this DSD, SoapandGlory?

A ten year old girl wouldn't be hurt if she didn't expect everyone who walks through the door to treat her completely the same as her siblings.
Yeah, perish the thought that a child would be treated the same as her siblings, in the home of her own father, on Christmas Day.

This is incredibly sad reading.

Math, history and identity is important and often more so to the children than the adults,that is why people use the word step.

As an aside, when families blend they can sometimes appear to forget that this blending is their own choice the children have to go along with it because they have little to no choice In the matter but you make that choice for yourself,you cannot make it for everybody else that has a connection to you.

You may think my view is sad and that is apsolutly your right to do so. But I think yours is sad and more than a little unkind.

fromm this I deduce that despite your protestations to the contrary, you have a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about this DSD, Soapandglory?

Not really! I'm just going off the attitudes I and others see on MN when it comes to stepchildren :) Possibly people projecting because not everyone bends over backwards for them or their little snowflakes now that they are in a blended family.

So how do you force someone to buy more presents? math you could threaten, cajole, argue, but you can't force.

You are not entitled to recieve any presents and must be grateful for any that you do get. My five year old was far more excited to give his presents, than to get any. It is about the joy of giving.

The word step exists to distinguish a child born of the aunt or perhaps adopted, to a child who is the aunts step child.

The English language is beautiful and should be used to its fullest extent. It has no bearing on whether that person is loved or who by, it just denotes a structural relationship in the family tree. I don't substitute aunt for uncle or there for their. They exist therefore I utilise. I dislike it when children are encouraged to call parents friends uncle or aunt when they are not. I think it is disrespectful to the person who is really the aunt, mother, or grandma.

Totally agree with you needs

Especially when I note she apparently didn't do this with your brothers step children? Or did I pick that up wrong?

No, you read that correctly. She knows my brother's stepchildren better than she knows dsd and their paternal side of the family are not involved in their lives. Dsd on the other hand has her maternal and paternal families as well the "extras" that come with them e.g. Step parents parents, etc..
So yes, my brother's stepchildren did get more from my mum than dsd, for perfectly acceptable reasons imo.

In my niece and nephew's case, children who live with their mother and her husband and their half siblings should not be told by their mother's mother in law that they are 'not really part of the family', and should not be made to feel like outsiders, on Christmas Day of all days. I call them my niece and nephew. My nephew is godfather to my youngest child.

History and identity are indeed important.

So therefore in the case of the DSD, acknowledging the equality in everybody's eyes of all of the children of the same father, in the home where she spent Christmas, should have been everybody's number one priority. Her father is part of her life and her identity, and her half siblings are part of her life and her identity.

She apparently has made the mistake of considering her half siblings' mother and grandmother part of her life and of assuming she was welcomed into their lives as the child of her father. There are many blended families where this would be seen as a massive compliment to the step-side but apparently in this family it is seen as out of place and grabby, and her comeuppance is seen as a good lesson to learn.

She has two sides to her family and it is a huge pity that the paternal side is considered not worthy of acknowledgement by the OP and her mother.

She apparently has made the mistake of considering her half siblings' mother and grandmother part of her life and of assuming she was welcomed into their lives as the child of her father. There are many blended families where this would be seen as a massive compliment to the step-side but apparently in this family it is seen as out of place and grabby, and her comeuppance is seen as a good lesson to learn.

My mum isn't really part of her life though is she? She hadn't seen her for months and months before Boxing Day. I am of part of her life of course, but that doesn't automatically mean my mum is. In order to be "part of someone's life" you actually need to see that person. My mum is a whole different person to me. My mum likes dsd sure and they got along fine when together but it doesn't mean dsd is her granddaughter, because there isn't any real relationship there at all. My mum isn't part of her life.

Just for perspective, I have relatives who live in Australia. Just because I know who they are doesn't mean they are part of my life- because I never see them!

I live on another continent from my mum and sister and my children are very much connected to them both and to their cousin whom they have never met and rarely speak to. ExH and I and our children lived (and still do) about nine hours by car from the exILs. That family was still family, still part of our lives. I never liked exMIL but I got her a decent Christmas gift every year and one for her birthday too.

My grandfather had two siblings who emigrated to Australia. They corresponded with each other until they died. They never saw each other again in the flesh. Their children, my mum's cousins, visited 'home' several times and stayed with cousins they had never met or even spoken to on the phone. In turn their children - my second cousins - also keep in touch and have visited.

I don't think you need to see a person frequently for them to be part of your life. There is nothing to stop anyone from according a proper welcome to a child except their own stubbornness and unnecessary punctiliousness. They get on fine when they see each other; your mother even likes this child -- so why take the opportunity at Christmas to make a stupid point? I would love to know what your mother thinks the word 'relationship' means. Are you really saying that out of sight is out of mind, and out of heart?