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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish I'd got more Christmas presents?

137 replies

ArcticCactus · 26/12/2015 00:03

There was an unpleasant moment Xmas morning where I was happily doling out the gifts from under the tree and enjoying watching people open them.

"Oh you open one" said dh.
..."um, there aren't any for me" I said.
Awkward silence.

But there weren't. Dh got me one small thing he'd made me point at in a panic on the 23rd. No card.
Neither sibling got me anything.
The in law side didn't get me anything
Ds gets a pass because he's tiny, but aibu to feel really sad about this? We can afford it, and no one seems to have thought of me. I'm not expecting diamonds. I spent considerable time an effort getting people thoughtful gifts and posting them. I'd dropped hints about things I'd like. Mine expensive, or hard to find (new photo album, address book sort of thing.)

I'm an expat, I don't really have any friends in my new country and no one from the uk has bothered to keep in touch. No cards, no FB messages, nowt.

I feel invisible, unloved and upset. I know Xmas is about more than gifts by I feel the effort has been all one sided. Am I being precious or would this upset you ?

OP posts:

ErnesttheBavarian · 26/12/2015 10:54

Dear Arcticcactus,
I am very sad for you, and totally get how you're feeling. This happened to me but on my birthday. My mum remembered and called me, but not one of my kids remembered or got me anything.

It's NOT being demanding or precious to want your family to demonstrate that they love and appreciate you. Especially at Christmas when everyone is supposed to be exchanging, and they you have gone to so much effort for everyone else.

I would in you're place definitely tell your family how it's made you feel and why, and bloody well make it clear it's not acceptable.

I did this. Not just for me. Jot just about being grabby and demanding. I told my dc as they get older they also have a responsibility sibilty to look after and nurture other people. They have to learn to think past themselves. They won't get very far in relationships if they don't developed skills of being thoughtful and considerate. I kind of felt like I'd failed to teach them an important lessons that they could forget me iyswim.

As well as being very hurt I was also pretty angry. I think I got the message across. We'll see what happens next birthday.

What country are you in? I'm also not in UK. Making new friends is hard when you're a foreigner esp if you don't have much contact with others. I made a lot of mistakes and had many tough years. Looking back I see there were very hard. I started working a couple of years ago and my life feels a lot happier and more balanced. Still haven't got it right but slowly getting there.

I do think you need to be honest and clear about this. And I think u would ask them to fix it. It's not about being grabby. It's about teaching them how to treat other people. And reminding them that you are (a very important ) person. It's about giving them the opportunity to make amends.

Boomingmarvellous · 26/12/2015 10:55

That's is just awful. Not so much your siblings provided they bought for your DCs but pretty low not to have at least acknowledged your Christmas Day.

As for your in laws! What utter shits! Sorry but that is unbelievable. I take it you have moved to a country where you DH grew up so they have the benefit of their son near them, while you have given up friends and family? And they can't even acknowledge your sacrifice by welcoming you with a gift.

Perhaps your ex friends and family feel rejected by you in some way and have also disengaged? Still no excuse but slightly more understandable.

As for your H. What an arse.

IWasHereBeforeTheHack · 26/12/2015 11:13

YANBU.

However, is it possible that siblings posted something that hasn't arrived yet? Doesn't take away from the unhappiness on the day but if something turns up you'll know their intentions are good.

We have friends in USA. I frequently post things far too late to arrive for Christmas - but they do the same thing so it's fine.

soyvanillalatte · 26/12/2015 11:46

I totally get this OP. Its not about wanting "stuff" at all, just the thought. I am also living as an expat and turned 50 this year. Not one single message from any of my siblings, let alone a bunch of flowers. It does manke you feel quite alone. (We don't do xmas gifts from abroad anyway).

hefzi · 26/12/2015 12:38

I think this is appalling! My SIL is an expat - she is currently enjoying Christmas with the rest of the family, where she is treated as though she is one of my DP own children: stocking, gifts, money etc She also has presents from me and my DBs - because that's what you do at Christmas. I don't like her, but I went to a lot of effort to find gifts that would appeal to her, and are things that she is interested in, so that she would feel part of the celebrations - she's a different religion, so Christmas isn't one of her festivals, but that's no reason she shouldn't feel included and welcome. She's more fortunate than the OP, because she is totally fluent in English (seem to remember that OP hasn't had a chance to get fully up to speed with the new language yet) and also lives in a city, so lots of chances to meet other people, including those from her own country. She also has some friends in this country from when she studied here some years ago. BUT WE STILL MADE AN EFFORT TO INCLUDE HER PROPERLY! As did DB's friends - she hasn't been in the country very long, but his boss also gave her a personal gift (unfortunately, she hates the boss, who I think is lovely) as did other of his friends and neighbours. That's just basic common courtesy towards someone who is new to your circle.

OP - I think you have a DH problem here: you need to tell him, quite bluntly, how this has made you feel, on top of the other issues you are having with being an expat, and tell him that it is time for him to help you find solutions. It's not acceptable that it didn't even occur to him- he's not from a place where Christmas isn't celebrated nationally, or from a religion that it's not part of. He needs to start making a lot more effort to support you, starting now.

Redlocks28 · 26/12/2015 12:54

I don't like her

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2015 14:06

I totally agree with witsender

Re The fact that you are currently an expat should make people, esp your DH try harder not less!

My friend is a single ex pat and I always make sure she has a gift from us even though we don't usually buy for adults.

Original poster

ArcticCactus · 26/12/2015 14:48

Well we talked about it today. He apologised.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 14:50

Did you go shopping and treat yourself. So what's he going to do about it in the future.

Original poster

ArcticCactus · 26/12/2015 14:52

I didn't, no. I may have a look online for some nice baby clothes for ds, who is growing like a weed.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/12/2015 14:58

Another one here who was horrified to read this, OP. Who was there when people were opening presents? Who was your husband getting presents from?

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 15:02

No Arctic, something for YOU!!!

Original poster

ArcticCactus · 26/12/2015 15:11

It kind of feels a bit late now, to be honest. It's not the thing I'm bothered about, but the thought... And if I buy myself something that's not really there.

Dh was getting presents from his family, me, and ds (via me, obv, he's only a few weeks old.)

I'll have a look in the sales and see if there's anything I fancy. I need to be a bit louder in stating my needs I think. I have a tendency to be a bit invisible and accommodating, and moving somewhere I know nobody, being very introverted, being crap at making friends, having a baby (very tough pregnancy, took a big toll physically) has made it worse.

Thanks for all your kind comments, you're all lovely.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 15:15

Have a look in the sales and treat yourself, you do need to be louder and more vocal. Dh once got me a late box of chocolates 2 months after my birthday, lets say, it was never repeated again, his gifts to me have been absoltuly awsome since. You need to sit down with your dh, and tell him exactly how you felt, how you felt hurt and embarassed at not receiving any gifts from him or his family, and that next year he has to e mail an amazon wishlist to them of things that you would like, (things under £20), that is not acceptable. My in laws always made sure even before we were married and engaged, that I always received presents at family Christmas.

Pilgit · 26/12/2015 15:16

How rude and thoughtless of them all. I hope they feel properly ashamed of themselves and do something to make it up to you. I really don't understand how some people can be so wrapped up in themselves that they can't show basic kindness. This isn't about price but about being welcoming and inclusive.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 15:18

Do you know what, I would compile an amazon wishlist and before next Christmas, e mail it to them, with the heading so the same thing is not repeated like last year. Here are some little gifts that I would love to receive for Christmas. But I am blatant like that, I seriously would if I were in your position.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 15:20

Sometimes people are so self absorbed they need it spelled out to them.

LeaLeander · 26/12/2015 15:37

This year, buy NO gifts other than for your son. No birthday, Christmas, mother/father day, nothing for adults. Cross that off your mental list of things to do and save your energy.

witsender · 26/12/2015 15:47

I don't understand... WHY didn't he get you anything?

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 26/12/2015 15:53

:( yanbu at all.

Unless a couple actually specifically agree not to give each other presents, there's no excuse to not actually put an effort in and get your partner something decent. And decent does not have to mean expensive. I'm glad he's apologised and hopefully he will remember next year.

RhiWrites · 26/12/2015 15:57

That's so sad.

I don't think an apology means much unless it comes with restitution. He should go and spend time and thought on how to make this up to you.

Potatoface2 · 26/12/2015 15:57

my husband went out on the 23rd to get his presents , then phoned me to ask what i wanted!!....luckily my daughter told him and i was pleased....but it hasnt always been like this....sometimes ive got nothing from anyone....its not so much the receiving nothing its the thought that nobody even thinks about you...you are good enough to do all the planning, presents, cooking and running about after everyone but no one gives you a second thought...its shitty!

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2015 16:03

Exactly, potato, its the don't give a fuck about you attitude, not only from op dh but from the in laws, who bought their son presents, their grandchildren, but not op. Nothing! Did it not occur to them, to buy op a present, espcially as they are spending Christmas day with her! The apology from op dh, seemed half hearted, what is he going to do to make sure it never happens again! That op receives at least a decent birthday and Christmas present.

MadisonMontgomery · 26/12/2015 16:05

Next year I would be so tempted not to buy your inlaws etc anything - then when they ask where their presents are just say 'oh well since you never buy me anything I presumed you didn't want to do presents' - why the hell should you go to the trouble if it isn't reciprocated?

AlwaysBeYourself · 26/12/2015 16:08

Im surprised that he didn't bother to be honest. Has he never bothered?

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